Sometimes, I even scare myself.

I'm not a stranger
No, I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists, I find it when I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic
That makes me feel anything, kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists, I find it when I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I am not a stranger
No, I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

Plumb - Cut

You can fire me. But, Bitch, don't think you can take me.

One Two Bedroom, Two Bathroom Apartment
Plus
Three Classic Stress Cases with OCD and Perpetual Anxiety
Plus
Three Broken Hearts
Plus
Three Volcanic and Often Unstable Tempers
Equals
One Very, VERY Immaculate Home

I'm pretty sure the smell of bleach will never leave at this point. And you could probably eat off the toilet seats.. I guarantee they have less bacteria than restaurant tables.

Not usually, no.

Him: "What do you say we call it a draw, huh? No harm, no foul."

Her: "You poisoned me and tried to shoot me with arrows."

Him: "Okay, maybe a little bit of foul."

I love babies.

Can I just say that Rachel's little adopted niece, Abigail, is the cutest baby ever? Ok, I know I say that about a lot of babies. I say it about Mason all the time, but he's kind of leaving the "baby" stage. Rachel's sister Sara needed a sitter at the last minute and I GLADLY took the job. Sara and Jon adopted Abby from Taiwan. She's so sweet and so full of love and smiles. I so did not want to leave!!

The past couple of days have been rough. Every once in a while, something will happen that will cause me to pause and look around and see just how fallen our world really is. The despair weighs me down. I cannot even begin to fathom how God manages to feel as much as He does. If we are made in His image, and if He feels everything we feel.. I just cannot process how He puts up with us. I have spent a LOT of time in tears the past few days.. my heart breaks for this world that is so lost. Our young people these days get sucked in and spat back out and we all just sit back and watch it happen. I want to be able to do more. I feel so powerless sometimes. I want to help SO SO badly.. I want to be able to help take the hurt away... but sometimes I do not even know where to start. I wish I had a better way of explaining myself... My heart just hurts. I have to be so careful not to let the emotional agony completely swallow me whole. I want God to use me, but most of the time I just feel like I'm wandering around in the dark, fumbling for purpose. Some sort of road map to my life would be fantastic right about now.

Fine. Let's be angry and do it your way.

Crying on the corner, waiting in the rain
I swear I'll never ever wait again
You gave me your word, but words for you are lies
Darling, in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go
But it's time to let you know

I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here

All of my life, I've been waiting in the rain
I've been waiting for a feeling that never ever came
It feels so close, but always disappear
Darling, in your wildest dreams, you never had a clue
But it's time you got the news

I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here

Darling,in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
Harden my heart, swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here

Quarter Flash - Harden My Heart

I think maybe he was right.

I feel better today.. more centered.. which is a totally lame word, but it seems to fit on some level. I leave you with a funny (courtesy of Fringe):

Peter: "Hey, we're looking for Big Bird."

Walter: "Don't be ridiculous. It's more like a pterodactyl."

Peter: "You're saying it had the claws of a lion and the fangs of a snake?"

Walter: "Reminds me of a woman I once knew in Cleveland."

Peter: "Walter, this thing would have been 8 feet long."

Walter: "Her name was Harriet."

Olivia: "How is everything?"

Peter: "Apparently, you're looking for a lion-snake named Harriet."

I'm going to need 781 boxes of denture cleaner.

Two of my closest friends, Shelby and Morgan, each have apartments by themselves in my apartment complex. I seriously don't understand how they do it. Maybe it is because I have a very large, very loud family and have grown accustomed to constant people and noise. Maybe it is because I have never actually lived alone. Whatever the reason, I am HATING having the apartment to myself. I am so beyond lonely. Even if I stay busy all day and go out at night, I still have to come home at some point to an empty apartment. The animals help... there are even some days when I prefer their company to that of the human variety. And though I am a total introvert and NEED alone time, I never expected to not have a choice. I hole up in my room when I am home because it is the only part of the apartment that I feel has always been JUST mine. The rest of the house depresses me. It is not that I CAN'T live alone.. like I'm some child that needs to be taken care of.. I just prefer knowing that there is someone else in the house, even if I'm not in the same room as they are. I AM SO FREAKING LONELY.