This is How it Feels - The Veronicas
You keep calling my phone nonstop
Don't you know I won't pick it up
You never leave a message
Look how you've changed
You've got nothing to say
You're getting in my way
You show up at my house
You're getting so obsessive
Like I have time for you?
Wasn't it me you didn't want?
Wasn't it me who was hanging on?
Now, I'm done, but before I go
I want you to know
This is how it feels
When you wait for a call that never comes
Lying awake all night 'cause you miss someone
This is how it feels
When the trust you had is broken
And you're left to burn with your heart wide open
You want to meet up and tell me why
Why and how you had the heart to f*** up my whole life
That's just so you
And now I've moved on by myself
And baby, I won't forgive
I'll just forget you lived
And I hope it hurts
Wasn't it me you tried to blame?
Wasn't it me you threw away?
But before you go there's something you should know
This is how it feels
When you wait for a call that never comes
Are you waking up cause you miss someone?
This is how it feels
When the trust you had is broken
And you're left to burn with your heart wide open
You taught me how to hate you
And I was so in love
When I tried to save us, it was not enough
So what the hell is different
'Cause now that I'm gone
You're calling back to tell me I'm the one
This is how it feels
Do you only want me cause you can't have me?
Do you only want me cause I'm gone?
Do you only want me cause you can't have me?
Do you only want me cause I'm gone?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Grief
For those of you who haven't heard, Dan and I had a good friend pass away in a helicopter crash in Iraq a couple days ago. The details are still kind of blurry and we still aren't entirely sure what went down and what is currently going on, but I'm going to add some links at the end of this entry for those of you who want to know more. Karin and Phil Windorski were the first military couple Dan and I bonded with when we started dating and he had first joined the Army. Originally, Dan had wanted to fly Kiowa helicopters, which is what Phil flew. Dan met Karin through an online support forum for Kiowa pilots. While Karin is not a pilot, she used the forum as a way to meet the girlfriends and spouses of pilot's. She completely took me under her wing and I probably wouldn't have survived Dan being gone so much without her. She's so incredibly strong.. the difference she has made in the lives of others is staggering.. even now, despite being in immense pain, she in encouraging us not just to focus on her and her family, but on the families of the 3 other lost lives on board as well. I ask that you please keep her and her three children in your prayers... the Good Lord knows she's going to need all the comfort she can get.
This is a first for me.. losing someone so out of the blue. Grief is such a strange process.. at first, I went into complete shock. I had to reread the email 5 times because I kept thinking I was reading it wrong.. surely I was glazing over some word.. surely my friend Jill, the one who informed me, had simply mi sworded a sentence. But no.. there it was.. and I went into hysterics. I dropped my cell phone three times trying to call Dan. When I finally got through to him, I couldn't even form complete sentences that made any sense. The words "babbling" and "sputtering" come to mind. Telling him was awful.. he loves Karin and Phil and their family as much as I do. I didn't really sleep last night.. the Aviation community is fairly small, so when a helicopter goes down, it generally has a pretty big effect on all of us as a whole even if we don't personally know those involved. To have it be someone close rocks you to your core.. I mean, that could be any one of us wives. We are all very aware of the dangers our husbands face on a daily basis, though we try not to dwell on that fact in order to avoid turning into complete basket cases. My emotions are running the complete gammon.. one minute, I'm totally fine.. maybe still a little sad, but not about to burst into tears. The next minute, I DO burst into tears out of nowhere. The next thing I know, I'm needing to curl up in the fetal position to fight how nauseous I am. I go into complete trances for even up to 45 minutes at a time.. just staring at the wall.. and when I snap out of it, I have no idea what I was even thinking about and am confused by how much time has passed. The guilt eats you alive.. while you HATE how much your friend is hurting and it's actually almost physically painful to think of her broken heart, you also in the next breath can't help but thank God it wasn't your husband. Then I hit the exhaustion wall and completely pass out into crazy deep sleep for an hour or two. It's all so confusing and hard.
At this point, it's really just about trying to take things one moment at a time. I'm spending a lot of time on my knees in prayer.. I seriously don't understand how people who don't believe in God can cope when something like this happens.. where they find comfort if they have no reason to believe that their loved one is in a better place now. The only thing keeping me even remotely sane through everything that has been going on lately is the knowledge that God is faithful. He has shown me time and time again that He really does work everything out for the good of those who love Him. He is able to take even the most messed up of situations and somehow still spin them into gold. I pray that I never lose sight of just how in control He really is. Once again, He has made me perfect in weakness.
http://www.startribune.com/local/38404244.html
http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/asection/la-fg-iraq-soldiers27-2009jan27,0,3479240.story
This is a first for me.. losing someone so out of the blue. Grief is such a strange process.. at first, I went into complete shock. I had to reread the email 5 times because I kept thinking I was reading it wrong.. surely I was glazing over some word.. surely my friend Jill, the one who informed me, had simply mi sworded a sentence. But no.. there it was.. and I went into hysterics. I dropped my cell phone three times trying to call Dan. When I finally got through to him, I couldn't even form complete sentences that made any sense. The words "babbling" and "sputtering" come to mind. Telling him was awful.. he loves Karin and Phil and their family as much as I do. I didn't really sleep last night.. the Aviation community is fairly small, so when a helicopter goes down, it generally has a pretty big effect on all of us as a whole even if we don't personally know those involved. To have it be someone close rocks you to your core.. I mean, that could be any one of us wives. We are all very aware of the dangers our husbands face on a daily basis, though we try not to dwell on that fact in order to avoid turning into complete basket cases. My emotions are running the complete gammon.. one minute, I'm totally fine.. maybe still a little sad, but not about to burst into tears. The next minute, I DO burst into tears out of nowhere. The next thing I know, I'm needing to curl up in the fetal position to fight how nauseous I am. I go into complete trances for even up to 45 minutes at a time.. just staring at the wall.. and when I snap out of it, I have no idea what I was even thinking about and am confused by how much time has passed. The guilt eats you alive.. while you HATE how much your friend is hurting and it's actually almost physically painful to think of her broken heart, you also in the next breath can't help but thank God it wasn't your husband. Then I hit the exhaustion wall and completely pass out into crazy deep sleep for an hour or two. It's all so confusing and hard.
At this point, it's really just about trying to take things one moment at a time. I'm spending a lot of time on my knees in prayer.. I seriously don't understand how people who don't believe in God can cope when something like this happens.. where they find comfort if they have no reason to believe that their loved one is in a better place now. The only thing keeping me even remotely sane through everything that has been going on lately is the knowledge that God is faithful. He has shown me time and time again that He really does work everything out for the good of those who love Him. He is able to take even the most messed up of situations and somehow still spin them into gold. I pray that I never lose sight of just how in control He really is. Once again, He has made me perfect in weakness.
http://www.startribune.com/local/38404244.html
http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/asection/la-fg-iraq-soldiers27-2009jan27,0,3479240.story
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas
I've made the same mistake before
Too many malls, too many stores
December traffic, Christmas rush
It breaks me till I push and shove
Children are crying while mother's are trying
To photograph Santa and sleigh
The shopping and buying and standing forever in line
What can I say?
I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
December comes then disappears
Faster and faster every year
Did my own mother keep this pace
Or was the world a different place?
Where people stayed home wishing for snow
Watching three channels on their TV
Look at us now, rushing around
Trying to buy Christmas peace
I need a silent, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
What was it like back there in Bethlehem
With peace on earth, good will to men?
Every shepard's out in the field
Keeping watch over their flock by night
And the glory of the Lord shown around them
And they were so afraid
"And the angel said: '"Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.'"
I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
Too many malls, too many stores
December traffic, Christmas rush
It breaks me till I push and shove
Children are crying while mother's are trying
To photograph Santa and sleigh
The shopping and buying and standing forever in line
What can I say?
I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
December comes then disappears
Faster and faster every year
Did my own mother keep this pace
Or was the world a different place?
Where people stayed home wishing for snow
Watching three channels on their TV
Look at us now, rushing around
Trying to buy Christmas peace
I need a silent, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
What was it like back there in Bethlehem
With peace on earth, good will to men?
Every shepard's out in the field
Keeping watch over their flock by night
And the glory of the Lord shown around them
And they were so afraid
"And the angel said: '"Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.'"
I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Well, here we are. Election Day.
I know this is going to be a long post, but please, try and bear with me and read it all the way through.. especially if you're going to leave a comment. What I'm about to say is probably going to make a lot of people mad.. I'm sure I'll be getting hate mail the rest of the week from my more liberal friends who have pretty much decided I am a crazy person when it comes to politics. But in all honesty, I don't care. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of not caring.. to simply voice what God has put on my heart and not worry about whether or not I've made someone unhappy. The road to realizing that I cannot please everyone in my life AND still please God 100% of the time has been a long one. But the bottom line is, for me, God trumps everyone else. So again, feel free to disagree.. I no longer care about displeasing people whose viewpoints are not biblical.
But I digress. It is officially election day. At this time four years ago, I marched my 20 year old butt into the voting booth feeling informed and confident. My dad and Debbie had sat down with me the night before and together we went over all of the propositions and people running against each other and what everything meant so I wouldn't walk in uninformed. I hope to do that with my own kids someday.. not tell them who to vote for or try and push my personal beliefs onto them, but rather to help them fully understand the process. I stand firmly in my belief that our right to vote should NOT be taken for granted; it is in your best interest to not EVER say to me, even jokingly, "but everyone knows our individual votes don't really count." I may sock you in the face, and I'd rather not break my hand over such an ignorant comment. So there I was.. 20, newly engaged but still living with my dad, and going to school to be an esthetician and massage technician. At the time, I felt I understood the world pretty well.. I now realize how naive I really was. I've always been mature for my age, or so people say, so while in comparison to most 20 year olds I was indeed ahead of the game, I still had a lot to learn. I voted for Bush, hands down, with zero reservations. While being at war was hard on my heart because of how pro-life I am, I happily went along without a political title and found myself agreeing with the war more often than not. I was delighted to find that this whole being an adult thing was so incredibly easy!
Fast forward two years. I'm 22, married to a military man, living in another country, have no idea what path I want to take career wise, and completely depressed over the state of our country and the choice I helped make in the leadership of said country. I'm desperately trying to support my husband and the troops while at the same time wanting to throw something at our president's head for increasing deployments from 12 months to 15 months. While a small part of me still felt like we needed to be in Iraq to somehow save the lives of the thousands of innocent people getting slaughtered by terrorists, I was frustrated that the government seemed so unconcerned about the amount of strain being put on military families. I could not understand how we could spend so much time policing another country when the foundation of our own country, the home, was crumbling around us. To make matters worse, I didn't have any answers on how to change things. I could voice my anger and disappointment towards the military and our country's leadership until I was blue in the face, but it's not like I had any better ideas as to how to fix things. Though Dan and I were still childless, I was deeply concerned and anxious over the type of the world my kids were going to grow up in. The amount of pain we as humans were and are in is staggering for me. It all felt so hopeless.
Once again, we fast forward another two years to today. I'm 24, my husband has been deployed for over a year, and whatever progress was being made in Iraq seems to have plateaued. There is no end to the war in sight, our country continues to spiral downward towards complete division, and the presidential title is about to change hands. For me, this election has been infuriating. It seems like every time I made a decision on who to vote for, some huge issue would come up and cause me to stop dead in my tracks and reevaluate my decision. It got to the point where I was so frustrated and sickened by all the petty slander and ridiculous arguments, I had pretty much decided not to vote at all. But that decision made many of the older adults in my life (i.e. my parents, my pastor, etc) not so happy.. and somehow I managed to be convinced that I did indeed need to vote even if it meant simply choosing the lesser of two evils. Easier said than done, but here's what ended up happening: God rocked my world.
To begin with, I shut the hell up. Do not misunderstand what I mean.. discussing politics is a part of life. Communication is vital in all areas of life. The problem is, we all spend a whole lot more time spouting off our own beliefs rather than listening to one another. For some reason, in our society, being "right" as an individual is far more important than listening to each other and coming to even the bare minimum of an understanding. Does anyone else see how backwards that is? None of us.. and I repeat NONE OF US have all the answers all the time, and we need to stop pretending like we do. It needs to be ok to be wrong. Did you hear that? IT IS OK TO BE PROVEN WRONG. The world teaches us that changing our minds about issues, whether political or otherwise, is to be weak and hypocritical. More often than not, that is so so SO not the case. Let me give you an example: I proudly bear the label "pro-life." For me, this means that I do not think abortion is right under any circumstances, and I do not agree with the death penalty. However, let's say one day Joe Schmoe comes along and presents to me a valid argument as to why I should be for the death penalty rather than against it. His facts and arguments make total sense to me, and based on that, I make an informed decision to start supporting the death penalty rather than stand against it. Friends, that does not make me a hypocrite. That makes me a mature and strong individual who is open to growth and advancement as God sees fit. Being a hypocrite means doing something IN THIS MOMENT and then turning around and telling someone else not to. Somewhere down the line, the difference between growth and hypocrisy got completely mixed up. Case and point: as a parent, you guide your children in the ways of what is right and what is wrong. You made mistakes, and you recognize that your child will also make mistakes. If you did drugs as a teenager in high school, it does not make you a hypocrite to then tell your own child that drugs are a terrible idea. Drugs are not all of a sudden ok to try because ones parents did it themselves. It's still wrong regardless. You learn from your mistakes in life, and you try and pass that wisdom on to others. If a person can stand up and say "I did this, and it was wrong and I want to encourage you not to make those same mistakes".. that shows an amazing amount of strength and wisdom. Being so involved in yourself that your entire focus is on being right is the easy part! Not only is it easy, it shows zero strength.. absolutely none. And friends, we need to encourage each other in this growth. When a person in your life is able to come around and admit they were wrong, feeling smug and gloating is not ok. Our focus needs to be shifted from this who is right and who is wrong issue to how can we support and build each other up.
I'm going to now take this one step further. Are you ready? When it comes to the right and wrong debate, the process of how the decision was reached will always be vastly more important than the end result. Let me explain what this has to do with politics.. or at least try to. I do not consider myself to be a democrat or a republican. The heart of the person running matters a whole lot more to me than some stupid title. My husband, however, is a republican. We start talking about politics, and things slowly start getting heated. By the time the argument is over, one or both of us is feeling hurt and alone in our marriage.. divided.. no longer one in Christ. Granted, we each were able to voice our individual opinions, but at what cost? Not only did the debate accomplish nothing, it also put a rift in the fabric that bonds us together. And this idea does not just apply to people who are married. It applies to ALL our relationships. Satan is brilliant at dividing and conquering, and we sit back and let it happen way more often than we should. Half the time we don't even realize it's happening. Satan sets up these huge traps in things like the presidential election. He gets us so focused on the "what" that we forget about the "who." We seem to think that as long as what it being debated is not a black or white issue.. as long as we are staying in the grey area.. that it is ok to treat each other poorly, to get angry with one another, to hurt each others feelings, to make another person feel worthless or small all in the name of having an individual opinion. Don't you see?! THIS IS NOT OKAY!
All right, one last thing. I really hope I'm making sense.. sometimes what I need to get out of my head comes faster than my hands can type and organize. This last part may make some of my fellow strong, feminist, female friends a little hot around the collar.. ha ha. People often do not see who I really am. I am a fairly private person, and for some reason, that tends to come off wrong. People are quick to assume that I am conservative in my beliefs.. that I've led a rather sheltered life.. that I follow all the rules all the time and I do not get into trouble. Most people who pass me on the street would fall over in confusion if they really knew my background and where I come from. I'm not saying this to be all emo.. I'm not looking for sympathy.. I am not saying my life has been any better or worse than anyone elses. I'm saying that I've been there.. grief, pain, and loneliness have been well practiced in my life over the years, as have grace, mercy, and love.. that when I say "I understand," I'm not just imagining what real hurt and disappointment must feel like... but that's neither here nor there. Obviously, as a Christian, my beliefs on life and love are grounded in the Bible. In the last several months, I feel like God has been moving in how we as people treat one another and deal with things. If you're super close to me, you're probably groaning right now because I keep talking about that very idea.. but I keep talking about it because God keeps revealing more and more of Himself to me in that area. As a nation, a country, a society, whatever, we have become completely divided. That whole "United We Stand" slogan is a huge joke, but I take full responsibility in allowing it get that way (as should you).. "Divided We Stand.. and are Crumbling" is a much more accurate way of putting things. For weeks, I have been anxious about this election.. mostly because I had no idea who I was a going to vote for or what it would take for me to finally make a decision. I used to think that my decision would always be easy.. that I would vote based on my own beliefs alone and disregard everyone elses opinion.. but.. are you ready for this?.. I was wrong. When Dan and I got married, we became one in Christ. How then had I allowed myself to fall into the trap of thinking that his opinions and beliefs should not cloud my own? I will tell you how: the world has set us up to believe that as a person, our little individual orbits are more important than unity as a couple or as a family. One of the biggest complaints I hear from women about Christianity is that in marriage, God calls us to be submissive to our husbands. You use the word "submit to a man" in reference to most females and you are probably going to get kicked in your junk. Ha ha. God's vision of marital unity has been vastly skewed by our own selfish ambitions. Now, do not for a even a second think that I am saying that as a wife, I should follow Dan around like a duckling asking permission for everything from spending money to when to pee. It does not mean that I blindly follow him into sin, or allow him to harm me or our future children. It means that I married a GOOD man.. a Godly man.. a man that I can trust to hear my opinions and beliefs and consider them when making all decisions. I KNOW this system has been abused and manipulated into horrible things. I'm not stupid, and I'm not blind. However, I will not allow the world to tell me that by allowing my husband to make the final call on decisions and standing 100% united with him somehow makes me a weak person. I'm entirely confused how somewhere down the line, being united as a family.. forsaking all others.. holding onto each other for dear life.. how all that became a BAD thing. To need another person, whether it be your spouse or best friend or parent or sibling, has become the ultimate form of weakness. It goes way above and beyond just foolish pride. "Charity" is practically a bad word and to serve others is somehow linked to letting people walk all over you. Do you see where I'm going with this? To truly be united as a country means to first be united in our day to day lives and relationships. We spend so much time pushing each other away.. we all have been hurt so many times and carry so much emotional baggage that opening our hearts and truly being vulnerable with one another is not something our society and this world supports.. which is exactly where Satan wants us. Divide and conquer. It has worked every time.. but not anymore.
Obama has won the election, and he states that America is poised for changed. I whole heartedly agree. But did I vote for him? It doesn't matter. God has put the people in leadership positions in our country for a reason. At the end of the day, the best we can ever hope to accomplish is to take the positive steps to change one moment, one decision, one relationship, one spoken word, one action at a time. Maybe it means simply walking away from a political debate that is starting to become heated and has the potential to hurt someone.. maybe it means that despite how many times your spouse has failed you, you are still going to choose to love him unconditionally today and have faith that God is big enough to change things.. maybe it means as a parent being able to admit being in the wrong to your child.. maybe it means leaving the past in the past and stop punishing someone for mistakes that cannot not be changed. I do not have all the answers, but neither do you.. if we did, we wouldn't be where we are today in the first place. The bottom line is that selfishness, independence, bitterness.. the idea that ones own opinion is always more important or more right than another.. keeping a record of wrong.. all that stuff is easy. Do not be fooled by the world. It takes FAR more strength to be a servant.. to be patient.. to admit when you are wrong.. to love unconditionally.. to build each other up and encourage one another.. to stand as a united front with your spouse and family and good friends against the deeds of darkness and the lies of the world.. these things, my friends, is what it means to be strong.. to be grounded in love and grace and mercy.
Oh.. and just for the record.. I definitely voted yes on giving farm animals ample exercise time. This issue definitely was my number one voting priority. :)
But I digress. It is officially election day. At this time four years ago, I marched my 20 year old butt into the voting booth feeling informed and confident. My dad and Debbie had sat down with me the night before and together we went over all of the propositions and people running against each other and what everything meant so I wouldn't walk in uninformed. I hope to do that with my own kids someday.. not tell them who to vote for or try and push my personal beliefs onto them, but rather to help them fully understand the process. I stand firmly in my belief that our right to vote should NOT be taken for granted; it is in your best interest to not EVER say to me, even jokingly, "but everyone knows our individual votes don't really count." I may sock you in the face, and I'd rather not break my hand over such an ignorant comment. So there I was.. 20, newly engaged but still living with my dad, and going to school to be an esthetician and massage technician. At the time, I felt I understood the world pretty well.. I now realize how naive I really was. I've always been mature for my age, or so people say, so while in comparison to most 20 year olds I was indeed ahead of the game, I still had a lot to learn. I voted for Bush, hands down, with zero reservations. While being at war was hard on my heart because of how pro-life I am, I happily went along without a political title and found myself agreeing with the war more often than not. I was delighted to find that this whole being an adult thing was so incredibly easy!
Fast forward two years. I'm 22, married to a military man, living in another country, have no idea what path I want to take career wise, and completely depressed over the state of our country and the choice I helped make in the leadership of said country. I'm desperately trying to support my husband and the troops while at the same time wanting to throw something at our president's head for increasing deployments from 12 months to 15 months. While a small part of me still felt like we needed to be in Iraq to somehow save the lives of the thousands of innocent people getting slaughtered by terrorists, I was frustrated that the government seemed so unconcerned about the amount of strain being put on military families. I could not understand how we could spend so much time policing another country when the foundation of our own country, the home, was crumbling around us. To make matters worse, I didn't have any answers on how to change things. I could voice my anger and disappointment towards the military and our country's leadership until I was blue in the face, but it's not like I had any better ideas as to how to fix things. Though Dan and I were still childless, I was deeply concerned and anxious over the type of the world my kids were going to grow up in. The amount of pain we as humans were and are in is staggering for me. It all felt so hopeless.
Once again, we fast forward another two years to today. I'm 24, my husband has been deployed for over a year, and whatever progress was being made in Iraq seems to have plateaued. There is no end to the war in sight, our country continues to spiral downward towards complete division, and the presidential title is about to change hands. For me, this election has been infuriating. It seems like every time I made a decision on who to vote for, some huge issue would come up and cause me to stop dead in my tracks and reevaluate my decision. It got to the point where I was so frustrated and sickened by all the petty slander and ridiculous arguments, I had pretty much decided not to vote at all. But that decision made many of the older adults in my life (i.e. my parents, my pastor, etc) not so happy.. and somehow I managed to be convinced that I did indeed need to vote even if it meant simply choosing the lesser of two evils. Easier said than done, but here's what ended up happening: God rocked my world.
To begin with, I shut the hell up. Do not misunderstand what I mean.. discussing politics is a part of life. Communication is vital in all areas of life. The problem is, we all spend a whole lot more time spouting off our own beliefs rather than listening to one another. For some reason, in our society, being "right" as an individual is far more important than listening to each other and coming to even the bare minimum of an understanding. Does anyone else see how backwards that is? None of us.. and I repeat NONE OF US have all the answers all the time, and we need to stop pretending like we do. It needs to be ok to be wrong. Did you hear that? IT IS OK TO BE PROVEN WRONG. The world teaches us that changing our minds about issues, whether political or otherwise, is to be weak and hypocritical. More often than not, that is so so SO not the case. Let me give you an example: I proudly bear the label "pro-life." For me, this means that I do not think abortion is right under any circumstances, and I do not agree with the death penalty. However, let's say one day Joe Schmoe comes along and presents to me a valid argument as to why I should be for the death penalty rather than against it. His facts and arguments make total sense to me, and based on that, I make an informed decision to start supporting the death penalty rather than stand against it. Friends, that does not make me a hypocrite. That makes me a mature and strong individual who is open to growth and advancement as God sees fit. Being a hypocrite means doing something IN THIS MOMENT and then turning around and telling someone else not to. Somewhere down the line, the difference between growth and hypocrisy got completely mixed up. Case and point: as a parent, you guide your children in the ways of what is right and what is wrong. You made mistakes, and you recognize that your child will also make mistakes. If you did drugs as a teenager in high school, it does not make you a hypocrite to then tell your own child that drugs are a terrible idea. Drugs are not all of a sudden ok to try because ones parents did it themselves. It's still wrong regardless. You learn from your mistakes in life, and you try and pass that wisdom on to others. If a person can stand up and say "I did this, and it was wrong and I want to encourage you not to make those same mistakes".. that shows an amazing amount of strength and wisdom. Being so involved in yourself that your entire focus is on being right is the easy part! Not only is it easy, it shows zero strength.. absolutely none. And friends, we need to encourage each other in this growth. When a person in your life is able to come around and admit they were wrong, feeling smug and gloating is not ok. Our focus needs to be shifted from this who is right and who is wrong issue to how can we support and build each other up.
I'm going to now take this one step further. Are you ready? When it comes to the right and wrong debate, the process of how the decision was reached will always be vastly more important than the end result. Let me explain what this has to do with politics.. or at least try to. I do not consider myself to be a democrat or a republican. The heart of the person running matters a whole lot more to me than some stupid title. My husband, however, is a republican. We start talking about politics, and things slowly start getting heated. By the time the argument is over, one or both of us is feeling hurt and alone in our marriage.. divided.. no longer one in Christ. Granted, we each were able to voice our individual opinions, but at what cost? Not only did the debate accomplish nothing, it also put a rift in the fabric that bonds us together. And this idea does not just apply to people who are married. It applies to ALL our relationships. Satan is brilliant at dividing and conquering, and we sit back and let it happen way more often than we should. Half the time we don't even realize it's happening. Satan sets up these huge traps in things like the presidential election. He gets us so focused on the "what" that we forget about the "who." We seem to think that as long as what it being debated is not a black or white issue.. as long as we are staying in the grey area.. that it is ok to treat each other poorly, to get angry with one another, to hurt each others feelings, to make another person feel worthless or small all in the name of having an individual opinion. Don't you see?! THIS IS NOT OKAY!
All right, one last thing. I really hope I'm making sense.. sometimes what I need to get out of my head comes faster than my hands can type and organize. This last part may make some of my fellow strong, feminist, female friends a little hot around the collar.. ha ha. People often do not see who I really am. I am a fairly private person, and for some reason, that tends to come off wrong. People are quick to assume that I am conservative in my beliefs.. that I've led a rather sheltered life.. that I follow all the rules all the time and I do not get into trouble. Most people who pass me on the street would fall over in confusion if they really knew my background and where I come from. I'm not saying this to be all emo.. I'm not looking for sympathy.. I am not saying my life has been any better or worse than anyone elses. I'm saying that I've been there.. grief, pain, and loneliness have been well practiced in my life over the years, as have grace, mercy, and love.. that when I say "I understand," I'm not just imagining what real hurt and disappointment must feel like... but that's neither here nor there. Obviously, as a Christian, my beliefs on life and love are grounded in the Bible. In the last several months, I feel like God has been moving in how we as people treat one another and deal with things. If you're super close to me, you're probably groaning right now because I keep talking about that very idea.. but I keep talking about it because God keeps revealing more and more of Himself to me in that area. As a nation, a country, a society, whatever, we have become completely divided. That whole "United We Stand" slogan is a huge joke, but I take full responsibility in allowing it get that way (as should you).. "Divided We Stand.. and are Crumbling" is a much more accurate way of putting things. For weeks, I have been anxious about this election.. mostly because I had no idea who I was a going to vote for or what it would take for me to finally make a decision. I used to think that my decision would always be easy.. that I would vote based on my own beliefs alone and disregard everyone elses opinion.. but.. are you ready for this?.. I was wrong. When Dan and I got married, we became one in Christ. How then had I allowed myself to fall into the trap of thinking that his opinions and beliefs should not cloud my own? I will tell you how: the world has set us up to believe that as a person, our little individual orbits are more important than unity as a couple or as a family. One of the biggest complaints I hear from women about Christianity is that in marriage, God calls us to be submissive to our husbands. You use the word "submit to a man" in reference to most females and you are probably going to get kicked in your junk. Ha ha. God's vision of marital unity has been vastly skewed by our own selfish ambitions. Now, do not for a even a second think that I am saying that as a wife, I should follow Dan around like a duckling asking permission for everything from spending money to when to pee. It does not mean that I blindly follow him into sin, or allow him to harm me or our future children. It means that I married a GOOD man.. a Godly man.. a man that I can trust to hear my opinions and beliefs and consider them when making all decisions. I KNOW this system has been abused and manipulated into horrible things. I'm not stupid, and I'm not blind. However, I will not allow the world to tell me that by allowing my husband to make the final call on decisions and standing 100% united with him somehow makes me a weak person. I'm entirely confused how somewhere down the line, being united as a family.. forsaking all others.. holding onto each other for dear life.. how all that became a BAD thing. To need another person, whether it be your spouse or best friend or parent or sibling, has become the ultimate form of weakness. It goes way above and beyond just foolish pride. "Charity" is practically a bad word and to serve others is somehow linked to letting people walk all over you. Do you see where I'm going with this? To truly be united as a country means to first be united in our day to day lives and relationships. We spend so much time pushing each other away.. we all have been hurt so many times and carry so much emotional baggage that opening our hearts and truly being vulnerable with one another is not something our society and this world supports.. which is exactly where Satan wants us. Divide and conquer. It has worked every time.. but not anymore.
Obama has won the election, and he states that America is poised for changed. I whole heartedly agree. But did I vote for him? It doesn't matter. God has put the people in leadership positions in our country for a reason. At the end of the day, the best we can ever hope to accomplish is to take the positive steps to change one moment, one decision, one relationship, one spoken word, one action at a time. Maybe it means simply walking away from a political debate that is starting to become heated and has the potential to hurt someone.. maybe it means that despite how many times your spouse has failed you, you are still going to choose to love him unconditionally today and have faith that God is big enough to change things.. maybe it means as a parent being able to admit being in the wrong to your child.. maybe it means leaving the past in the past and stop punishing someone for mistakes that cannot not be changed. I do not have all the answers, but neither do you.. if we did, we wouldn't be where we are today in the first place. The bottom line is that selfishness, independence, bitterness.. the idea that ones own opinion is always more important or more right than another.. keeping a record of wrong.. all that stuff is easy. Do not be fooled by the world. It takes FAR more strength to be a servant.. to be patient.. to admit when you are wrong.. to love unconditionally.. to build each other up and encourage one another.. to stand as a united front with your spouse and family and good friends against the deeds of darkness and the lies of the world.. these things, my friends, is what it means to be strong.. to be grounded in love and grace and mercy.
Oh.. and just for the record.. I definitely voted yes on giving farm animals ample exercise time. This issue definitely was my number one voting priority. :)
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Underneath
Obviously, I'm a big fan of song lyrics. While I love the music behind the lyrics as well, it's generally the words to a song that draw me in above all else. I'm sharing the following lyrics, "Underneath" by Alanis Morissette, because I haven't heard this true of a song in a long time. In my opinion, the message is extremely powerful, and it's a good reminder for us all. I believe that the home is both the greatest strength and the greatest weakness our world deals with today. I believe in family. And I believe that in order to impact the people around me.. in order to "change the world," I have to change myself first. We all do. It's funny how so many people are against the war, yet pick fights with their spouses on a daily basis.. how we can have such strong, broad opinions about each other, other people, other countries.. and yet 50% of marriages fail.. there are kids on the street because they didn't have parents who stepped up to the plate.. families are divided over petty issues that most likely won't even matter in the long run. And yet so many of us run around telling other people what should and should not be done or said.. not even realizing that everything that is wrong in this world starts with us. It starts with the home. Check the song out if you haven't heard it already.. it's a good one, for sure:
Look at us break our bonds in this kitchen
Look at us rallying all our defenses
Look at us waging war in our bedroom
Look at us jumping ship in our dialogue
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
Look at us form our cliques inside our sandbox
Look at us micro kids with both our hearts blocked
Look at us turn away from all the rough spots
Look at dictatorship on my own block
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
How I've spun my wheels with carts before my horse
When shine on the outside springs from the root
Spotlight on these seeds of simpler reasons
This core, born into form, starts in our living room
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms our there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
Look at us break our bonds in this kitchen
Look at us rallying all our defenses
Look at us waging war in our bedroom
Look at us jumping ship in our dialogue
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
Look at us form our cliques inside our sandbox
Look at us micro kids with both our hearts blocked
Look at us turn away from all the rough spots
Look at dictatorship on my own block
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
How I've spun my wheels with carts before my horse
When shine on the outside springs from the root
Spotlight on these seeds of simpler reasons
This core, born into form, starts in our living room
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms our there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
Monday, June 9, 2008
This is the story of a girl.
I. Am. Stressed. Dan comes home in two weeks for R&R, and I have a mile long "To Do" list to accomplish before he gets home. My schoolwork is overwhelming, and I have exactly 6 days off between now and Dan coming home (having a 15 month old hanging around your neck makes getting things done on work days next to impossible). Because I'm already stressed, I'm susceptible to snowballing anxiety that stems from knowing so little about what the future holds (thank you, Army).
However, tonight, as I ate dinner standing up, staring at the list I have to start tomorrow, I started thinking about how lame it can be to worry or be anxious because God seriously has it all under control. He never fails to show me that He's paying attention.. that He KNOWS my wants and needs and is acting accordingly, though I may not understand it all at the time. Yet I still struggle with giving complete control over to Christ. When I'm feeling this way, sometimes God will remind me of a major way He worked in my life in the past, though I didn't know it at the time. I felt like sharing my favorite example with all of you.. some of you have heard this story, but bear with me.
The first MAJOR fight I ever remember having with my dad occured when I was signing up for classes for my freshman year of high school. I had to pick a language. For some strange reason, I wanted to take to German (I'm sure at first it had something to do with that being the language Amanda was taking and at the time, we were connected at the hip). My father, on the other hand, was insisting on Spanish. His arguments made COMPLETE sense. We lived in San Diego, and with the border to Mexico being so close and so many immigrants living in this area, Spanish was the obvious choice. German, however, made absolutely ZERO sense. I had no desire to travel to Germany at any point, and I hate to fly. At the time, the odds of me EVER having to utter a single German word outside of high school were slim to none. Eventually, it being me, I'm sure the arguement started to turn into just hating to be told what to do. We fought for DAYS. I would stomp around the house all mad, and he would try to make stupid jokes to cheer me up and go along with the whole Spanish thing. Somewhere down the line, my mom convinced him it was my life and I needed to be able to choose my own classes. My dad eventually gave in, realizing that I wouldn't do well in Spanish if that wasn't what I wanted to be taking. I was victorious. I had gotten my way... nevermind the fact that secretly, I had no idea why I was even arguing my point when his made so much more sense.
I ended up taking 3 1/2 years of German, and by that last semester, I was miserable. I was starting to think maybe my dad had been right.. I was burned out on the language, and it wasn't very much fun to never get to use it. I assumed that within 5 years, I would have forgotten it all. I was wrong. Within three years of graduating high school, I was married to Dan. Six months later, we were sent to Germany. My dad and I laugh these days about that huge German/Spanish fight.. but in all seriousness, if I had not taken German in high school, I never would have survived the move. As it was, I was totally out of my comfort zone and had NO desire to be there.. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I also didn't understand any of the language. While I'm obviously far from fluent, I knew plenty to get by, and since Dan can speak German as well, we did all right. But this is what I'm talking about.. as a freshman, I had no idea that God was working and pushing me towards something that NEEDED to happen. It's weird to think that while I was crushing on some cute boy behind me and killing my CPR dummy in Health Class with Amanda, God was moving.. He knew who I would marry and what it would entail, and He loved me enough to make sure I wouldn't drown when He threw me into the deep part of the pool.
I actually feel better having shared this. It's a great reminder for me, and I hope it encourages you as well. God is paying attention. It's generally us that have lost focus.
However, tonight, as I ate dinner standing up, staring at the list I have to start tomorrow, I started thinking about how lame it can be to worry or be anxious because God seriously has it all under control. He never fails to show me that He's paying attention.. that He KNOWS my wants and needs and is acting accordingly, though I may not understand it all at the time. Yet I still struggle with giving complete control over to Christ. When I'm feeling this way, sometimes God will remind me of a major way He worked in my life in the past, though I didn't know it at the time. I felt like sharing my favorite example with all of you.. some of you have heard this story, but bear with me.
The first MAJOR fight I ever remember having with my dad occured when I was signing up for classes for my freshman year of high school. I had to pick a language. For some strange reason, I wanted to take to German (I'm sure at first it had something to do with that being the language Amanda was taking and at the time, we were connected at the hip). My father, on the other hand, was insisting on Spanish. His arguments made COMPLETE sense. We lived in San Diego, and with the border to Mexico being so close and so many immigrants living in this area, Spanish was the obvious choice. German, however, made absolutely ZERO sense. I had no desire to travel to Germany at any point, and I hate to fly. At the time, the odds of me EVER having to utter a single German word outside of high school were slim to none. Eventually, it being me, I'm sure the arguement started to turn into just hating to be told what to do. We fought for DAYS. I would stomp around the house all mad, and he would try to make stupid jokes to cheer me up and go along with the whole Spanish thing. Somewhere down the line, my mom convinced him it was my life and I needed to be able to choose my own classes. My dad eventually gave in, realizing that I wouldn't do well in Spanish if that wasn't what I wanted to be taking. I was victorious. I had gotten my way... nevermind the fact that secretly, I had no idea why I was even arguing my point when his made so much more sense.
I ended up taking 3 1/2 years of German, and by that last semester, I was miserable. I was starting to think maybe my dad had been right.. I was burned out on the language, and it wasn't very much fun to never get to use it. I assumed that within 5 years, I would have forgotten it all. I was wrong. Within three years of graduating high school, I was married to Dan. Six months later, we were sent to Germany. My dad and I laugh these days about that huge German/Spanish fight.. but in all seriousness, if I had not taken German in high school, I never would have survived the move. As it was, I was totally out of my comfort zone and had NO desire to be there.. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I also didn't understand any of the language. While I'm obviously far from fluent, I knew plenty to get by, and since Dan can speak German as well, we did all right. But this is what I'm talking about.. as a freshman, I had no idea that God was working and pushing me towards something that NEEDED to happen. It's weird to think that while I was crushing on some cute boy behind me and killing my CPR dummy in Health Class with Amanda, God was moving.. He knew who I would marry and what it would entail, and He loved me enough to make sure I wouldn't drown when He threw me into the deep part of the pool.
I actually feel better having shared this. It's a great reminder for me, and I hope it encourages you as well. God is paying attention. It's generally us that have lost focus.
The idea of strength..
Being an Army wife, especially an Army wife with a husband deployed for 15 months, I get asked a lot of questions. Sometimes the questions get old.. while I appreciate how much everyone cares, it can be frustrating to answer the same questions over and over again: "How are you handling things?" or "How much longer does he have over there?" or "How do you do it?" When I answer, most people don't really know what to say other than things like "Wow, that really sucks" or "I couldn't do that!" The thing is, I really didn't think I could do it either. My dad was in the Navy when I was little, and I vaguely remember him going away for months at a time and how miserable my mom and I were without him. Even after he got out and started working for the government, he traveled way more than any of us would have liked. At some point, I made the decision that I would NEVER date or marry a man in the military. It all just seemed too hard. God obviously had other plans, and everything about Dan was so amazing that it managed to override the fact that he was about to join the Army. And here's the thing about the human spirit: you DON'T know how much you're able to handle until you're actually going through it. I can't even count the amount of trials I have had in my life that I never thought I would get through. I do what I have to do, just like everyone else who goes through times when life seems overwhelming and they can't take anymore.
So here I am.. 23 years old.. married for 3 years to a Warrant Officer helicopter pilot in the Army (Did I mention I hate to fly? I'm pretty sure God is up in heaven laughing at me for thinking I had things figured out.. I married a PILOT and I hate to fly.. very funny). When people hear that Dan is gone for such a long period of time, I end up being called things like "incredibly strong" and people constantly talk about how they couldn't do it. This idea always sort of bothered me.. after all, most days I don't feel exceptionally strong. I think people would be surprised how many days I have to tell myself "Just get through the next hour" or "Just get through this weekend." It's not just taking things one day at a time, it's often taking things one moment at a time. To my complete surprise, Dan had noticed that whenever he asks how I'm doing, I say "ok" rather than "good" or "very well" like 90% of the time. I answer "ok" because most full days really aren't "good" without Dan. Sure, I have "good" or even "great" moments during the day, but over all, there's like a cloud hanging over me that only Dan can chase away. Don't get me wrong.. I'm a happy and relatively content person. But Dan is my husband, and therefore there are places in my heart that only he can get to.
Here's the thing.. everyone always tells me how strong I am for handling things alone while Dan is gone.. for being able to marry a man who will be gone a lot. But here's the thing that most people don't know: Dan is so much stronger than I am. Seriously. I am fully aware of my issues, but most of you have no idea what it's like to really be with me. I have abandonment issues, divorce issues, and sexual issues from being molested. When I get scared something might go wrong in my life, I completely shut down emotionally.. I put up walls and push people away. I also push people's buttons.. I feel the need to push simply because I expect people to leave.. and I figure it's better now than when I'm even more attatched. I have eating issues, and next to zero self esteem. I have night terrors that cause a whole lot of thrashing and yelling, and sometimes I get so agitated that Dan has to get up and turn on the light to show me nothing is really there. Letting new people into my private circle is next to impossible. I don't play well with others.. I get overwhelmed in large groups of people, especially when I don't know them. They could be the nicest people on the planet, and I would still sit quietly, interacting as little as possible for fear I might say something incredibly stupid... which somehow comes across as being stuck up. The list goes on and on. Would you really want to date me knowing all of this? I know how I come off.. naive, sheltered, innocent. Most of the time, I can't cope with the idea of people seeing behind that mask. Not only did Dan see behind it and keep me around anyway, he also married me. He's incredibly patient.. he gives me space and time to work things out in my head when I need to, but also constantly reminds me that his arms are open when I'm ready to fall apart. I've never met anyone like him. Despite all my issues, I actually feel rather comfortable in my own skin for the first time because he makes me feel worthy.. that's a powerful feeling. My strength is nothing compared to Dan's.. he knew who I really am and loved me anyway. THAT, my friends, is true strength.
"God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave."
So here I am.. 23 years old.. married for 3 years to a Warrant Officer helicopter pilot in the Army (Did I mention I hate to fly? I'm pretty sure God is up in heaven laughing at me for thinking I had things figured out.. I married a PILOT and I hate to fly.. very funny). When people hear that Dan is gone for such a long period of time, I end up being called things like "incredibly strong" and people constantly talk about how they couldn't do it. This idea always sort of bothered me.. after all, most days I don't feel exceptionally strong. I think people would be surprised how many days I have to tell myself "Just get through the next hour" or "Just get through this weekend." It's not just taking things one day at a time, it's often taking things one moment at a time. To my complete surprise, Dan had noticed that whenever he asks how I'm doing, I say "ok" rather than "good" or "very well" like 90% of the time. I answer "ok" because most full days really aren't "good" without Dan. Sure, I have "good" or even "great" moments during the day, but over all, there's like a cloud hanging over me that only Dan can chase away. Don't get me wrong.. I'm a happy and relatively content person. But Dan is my husband, and therefore there are places in my heart that only he can get to.
Here's the thing.. everyone always tells me how strong I am for handling things alone while Dan is gone.. for being able to marry a man who will be gone a lot. But here's the thing that most people don't know: Dan is so much stronger than I am. Seriously. I am fully aware of my issues, but most of you have no idea what it's like to really be with me. I have abandonment issues, divorce issues, and sexual issues from being molested. When I get scared something might go wrong in my life, I completely shut down emotionally.. I put up walls and push people away. I also push people's buttons.. I feel the need to push simply because I expect people to leave.. and I figure it's better now than when I'm even more attatched. I have eating issues, and next to zero self esteem. I have night terrors that cause a whole lot of thrashing and yelling, and sometimes I get so agitated that Dan has to get up and turn on the light to show me nothing is really there. Letting new people into my private circle is next to impossible. I don't play well with others.. I get overwhelmed in large groups of people, especially when I don't know them. They could be the nicest people on the planet, and I would still sit quietly, interacting as little as possible for fear I might say something incredibly stupid... which somehow comes across as being stuck up. The list goes on and on. Would you really want to date me knowing all of this? I know how I come off.. naive, sheltered, innocent. Most of the time, I can't cope with the idea of people seeing behind that mask. Not only did Dan see behind it and keep me around anyway, he also married me. He's incredibly patient.. he gives me space and time to work things out in my head when I need to, but also constantly reminds me that his arms are open when I'm ready to fall apart. I've never met anyone like him. Despite all my issues, I actually feel rather comfortable in my own skin for the first time because he makes me feel worthy.. that's a powerful feeling. My strength is nothing compared to Dan's.. he knew who I really am and loved me anyway. THAT, my friends, is true strength.
"God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave."
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