Best Laid Plans - We the Living

Ok, so the crazy hair in the video sucks. And the guy is totally emo. But there's something crazy sexy about a guy getting into piano like that. And the lyrics rock and are strangely appropriate.

"If I have alarmed you, I didn't try
I'm tongue-tied
I've got to be honest
I'm terrified to fly blind
I tried to disarm you
I played this part a thousand times
The hunter's the hunted
I'm terrified, I'm open wide

The distance is spanned between you and I
Can I see you tonight?
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side

I wanted to have this under control
The story told
You came and rewrote it
Opened the door I've never known
You say that you hold them, the sands of time
You never lie
They pull like a current
I call to shore, there's no reply

The distance is spanned between you and I
Can I see you tonight?
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side

And I never wanted anything like this before

The distance is spanned between you and I
Can I see you tonight?
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side

The bridges that stand between you and I
Come over tonight
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side
Stand alone on our side
Of mice and men on our side."

The Great Sadness

Well, friends, if ever there was a time to be praying for me, this would be it. Somewhere in the last 18 months, I turned the corner into young adulthood. Don't believe the hype. Being a young adult is incredibly overwhelming. I'm searching for what is right and what is wrong.. what is Truth.. where my life is going. Everything is so complicated and messed up right now. I'm exhausted.

"Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when our love is strong?
Why carry on without me?
Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done?
You seem to move on easy
Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry
At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away
Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby."

I'm freaking out, man!

I definitely move in two weeks. I'm definitely not ready on multiple levels. The Great Sadness is becoming more and more potent. Sigh.

Last Thing - Diana Anid

I'll stay away
Don't have to face this
It's my mistake
And no one's business
I am trying not to want to hurt him
Trying not to start this up again
He's in my way
And no surprises
It's been a day
Somehow survived it
Still I'm trying not to want to hurt him
Trying not to start this up again

It's the last thing that I need right now
Someone to bring me down
I've got a rule up now that he's moved out
No way, no boys allowed
And there's a reason why I keep my distance
Don't think you're going to understand
This is the last thing that I need right now

No need to stay
My choice, I made it
I'll keep away
Don't have to take it
'Cause I'm trying not to want to hurt him
Trying not to start this up again

Don't need a boyfriend
Not one like him
Don't want to be the foolish girl I was
And end up worse again
You can say it's from me
I'll be keeping away
Don't want to be the same foolish girl again

It's the last thing that I need right now
Someone to bring me down
I've got a rule up now that he's moved out
No way, no boys allowed
And there's a reason why I keep my distance
Don't think you're going to understand
This is the last thing that I need right now
I'll stay away
Don't have to face this
It's my mistake
And no one's business

Are we having fun yet? Seriously.

This is How it Feels - The Veronicas

You keep calling my phone nonstop
Don't you know I won't pick it up
You never leave a message
Look how you've changed
You've got nothing to say
You're getting in my way
You show up at my house
You're getting so obsessive
Like I have time for you?
Wasn't it me you didn't want?
Wasn't it me who was hanging on?
Now, I'm done, but before I go
I want you to know

This is how it feels
When you wait for a call that never comes
Lying awake all night 'cause you miss someone
This is how it feels
When the trust you had is broken
And you're left to burn with your heart wide open

You want to meet up and tell me why
Why and how you had the heart to f*** up my whole life
That's just so you
And now I've moved on by myself
And baby, I won't forgive
I'll just forget you lived
And I hope it hurts
Wasn't it me you tried to blame?
Wasn't it me you threw away?
But before you go there's something you should know

This is how it feels
When you wait for a call that never comes
Are you waking up cause you miss someone?
This is how it feels
When the trust you had is broken
And you're left to burn with your heart wide open

You taught me how to hate you
And I was so in love
When I tried to save us, it was not enough
So what the hell is different
'Cause now that I'm gone
You're calling back to tell me I'm the one
This is how it feels

Do you only want me cause you can't have me?
Do you only want me cause I'm gone?
Do you only want me cause you can't have me?
Do you only want me cause I'm gone?

Grief

For those of you who haven't heard, Dan and I had a good friend pass away in a helicopter crash in Iraq a couple days ago. The details are still kind of blurry and we still aren't entirely sure what went down and what is currently going on, but I'm going to add some links at the end of this entry for those of you who want to know more. Karin and Phil Windorski were the first military couple Dan and I bonded with when we started dating and he had first joined the Army. Originally, Dan had wanted to fly Kiowa helicopters, which is what Phil flew. Dan met Karin through an online support forum for Kiowa pilots. While Karin is not a pilot, she used the forum as a way to meet the girlfriends and spouses of pilot's. She completely took me under her wing and I probably wouldn't have survived Dan being gone so much without her. She's so incredibly strong.. the difference she has made in the lives of others is staggering.. even now, despite being in immense pain, she in encouraging us not just to focus on her and her family, but on the families of the 3 other lost lives on board as well. I ask that you please keep her and her three children in your prayers... the Good Lord knows she's going to need all the comfort she can get.

This is a first for me.. losing someone so out of the blue. Grief is such a strange process.. at first, I went into complete shock. I had to reread the email 5 times because I kept thinking I was reading it wrong.. surely I was glazing over some word.. surely my friend Jill, the one who informed me, had simply mi sworded a sentence. But no.. there it was.. and I went into hysterics. I dropped my cell phone three times trying to call Dan. When I finally got through to him, I couldn't even form complete sentences that made any sense. The words "babbling" and "sputtering" come to mind. Telling him was awful.. he loves Karin and Phil and their family as much as I do. I didn't really sleep last night.. the Aviation community is fairly small, so when a helicopter goes down, it generally has a pretty big effect on all of us as a whole even if we don't personally know those involved. To have it be someone close rocks you to your core.. I mean, that could be any one of us wives. We are all very aware of the dangers our husbands face on a daily basis, though we try not to dwell on that fact in order to avoid turning into complete basket cases. My emotions are running the complete gammon.. one minute, I'm totally fine.. maybe still a little sad, but not about to burst into tears. The next minute, I DO burst into tears out of nowhere. The next thing I know, I'm needing to curl up in the fetal position to fight how nauseous I am. I go into complete trances for even up to 45 minutes at a time.. just staring at the wall.. and when I snap out of it, I have no idea what I was even thinking about and am confused by how much time has passed. The guilt eats you alive.. while you HATE how much your friend is hurting and it's actually almost physically painful to think of her broken heart, you also in the next breath can't help but thank God it wasn't your husband. Then I hit the exhaustion wall and completely pass out into crazy deep sleep for an hour or two. It's all so confusing and hard.

At this point, it's really just about trying to take things one moment at a time. I'm spending a lot of time on my knees in prayer.. I seriously don't understand how people who don't believe in God can cope when something like this happens.. where they find comfort if they have no reason to believe that their loved one is in a better place now. The only thing keeping me even remotely sane through everything that has been going on lately is the knowledge that God is faithful. He has shown me time and time again that He really does work everything out for the good of those who love Him. He is able to take even the most messed up of situations and somehow still spin them into gold. I pray that I never lose sight of just how in control He really is. Once again, He has made me perfect in weakness.

http://www.startribune.com/local/38404244.html
http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/asection/la-fg-iraq-soldiers27-2009jan27,0,3479240.story

Merry Christmas

I've made the same mistake before
Too many malls, too many stores
December traffic, Christmas rush
It breaks me till I push and shove
Children are crying while mother's are trying
To photograph Santa and sleigh
The shopping and buying and standing forever in line
What can I say?

I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night

December comes then disappears
Faster and faster every year
Did my own mother keep this pace
Or was the world a different place?
Where people stayed home wishing for snow
Watching three channels on their TV
Look at us now, rushing around
Trying to buy Christmas peace

I need a silent, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night

What was it like back there in Bethlehem
With peace on earth, good will to men?
Every shepard's out in the field
Keeping watch over their flock by night
And the glory of the Lord shown around them
And they were so afraid

"And the angel said: '"Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.'"

I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night

Well, here we are. Election Day.

I know this is going to be a long post, but please, try and bear with me and read it all the way through.. especially if you're going to leave a comment. What I'm about to say is probably going to make a lot of people mad.. I'm sure I'll be getting hate mail the rest of the week from my more liberal friends who have pretty much decided I am a crazy person when it comes to politics. But in all honesty, I don't care. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of not caring.. to simply voice what God has put on my heart and not worry about whether or not I've made someone unhappy. The road to realizing that I cannot please everyone in my life AND still please God 100% of the time has been a long one. But the bottom line is, for me, God trumps everyone else. So again, feel free to disagree.. I no longer care about displeasing people whose viewpoints are not biblical.

But I digress. It is officially election day. At this time four years ago, I marched my 20 year old butt into the voting booth feeling informed and confident. My dad and Debbie had sat down with me the night before and together we went over all of the propositions and people running against each other and what everything meant so I wouldn't walk in uninformed. I hope to do that with my own kids someday.. not tell them who to vote for or try and push my personal beliefs onto them, but rather to help them fully understand the process. I stand firmly in my belief that our right to vote should NOT be taken for granted; it is in your best interest to not EVER say to me, even jokingly, "but everyone knows our individual votes don't really count." I may sock you in the face, and I'd rather not break my hand over such an ignorant comment. So there I was.. 20, newly engaged but still living with my dad, and going to school to be an esthetician and massage technician. At the time, I felt I understood the world pretty well.. I now realize how naive I really was. I've always been mature for my age, or so people say, so while in comparison to most 20 year olds I was indeed ahead of the game, I still had a lot to learn. I voted for Bush, hands down, with zero reservations. While being at war was hard on my heart because of how pro-life I am, I happily went along without a political title and found myself agreeing with the war more often than not. I was delighted to find that this whole being an adult thing was so incredibly easy!

Fast forward two years. I'm 22, married to a military man, living in another country, have no idea what path I want to take career wise, and completely depressed over the state of our country and the choice I helped make in the leadership of said country. I'm desperately trying to support my husband and the troops while at the same time wanting to throw something at our president's head for increasing deployments from 12 months to 15 months. While a small part of me still felt like we needed to be in Iraq to somehow save the lives of the thousands of innocent people getting slaughtered by terrorists, I was frustrated that the government seemed so unconcerned about the amount of strain being put on military families. I could not understand how we could spend so much time policing another country when the foundation of our own country, the home, was crumbling around us. To make matters worse, I didn't have any answers on how to change things. I could voice my anger and disappointment towards the military and our country's leadership until I was blue in the face, but it's not like I had any better ideas as to how to fix things. Though Dan and I were still childless, I was deeply concerned and anxious over the type of the world my kids were going to grow up in. The amount of pain we as humans were and are in is staggering for me. It all felt so hopeless.

Once again, we fast forward another two years to today. I'm 24, my husband has been deployed for over a year, and whatever progress was being made in Iraq seems to have plateaued. There is no end to the war in sight, our country continues to spiral downward towards complete division, and the presidential title is about to change hands. For me, this election has been infuriating. It seems like every time I made a decision on who to vote for, some huge issue would come up and cause me to stop dead in my tracks and reevaluate my decision. It got to the point where I was so frustrated and sickened by all the petty slander and ridiculous arguments, I had pretty much decided not to vote at all. But that decision made many of the older adults in my life (i.e. my parents, my pastor, etc) not so happy.. and somehow I managed to be convinced that I did indeed need to vote even if it meant simply choosing the lesser of two evils. Easier said than done, but here's what ended up happening: God rocked my world.

To begin with, I shut the hell up. Do not misunderstand what I mean.. discussing politics is a part of life. Communication is vital in all areas of life. The problem is, we all spend a whole lot more time spouting off our own beliefs rather than listening to one another. For some reason, in our society, being "right" as an individual is far more important than listening to each other and coming to even the bare minimum of an understanding. Does anyone else see how backwards that is? None of us.. and I repeat NONE OF US have all the answers all the time, and we need to stop pretending like we do. It needs to be ok to be wrong. Did you hear that? IT IS OK TO BE PROVEN WRONG. The world teaches us that changing our minds about issues, whether political or otherwise, is to be weak and hypocritical. More often than not, that is so so SO not the case. Let me give you an example: I proudly bear the label "pro-life." For me, this means that I do not think abortion is right under any circumstances, and I do not agree with the death penalty. However, let's say one day Joe Schmoe comes along and presents to me a valid argument as to why I should be for the death penalty rather than against it. His facts and arguments make total sense to me, and based on that, I make an informed decision to start supporting the death penalty rather than stand against it. Friends, that does not make me a hypocrite. That makes me a mature and strong individual who is open to growth and advancement as God sees fit. Being a hypocrite means doing something IN THIS MOMENT and then turning around and telling someone else not to. Somewhere down the line, the difference between growth and hypocrisy got completely mixed up. Case and point: as a parent, you guide your children in the ways of what is right and what is wrong. You made mistakes, and you recognize that your child will also make mistakes. If you did drugs as a teenager in high school, it does not make you a hypocrite to then tell your own child that drugs are a terrible idea. Drugs are not all of a sudden ok to try because ones parents did it themselves. It's still wrong regardless. You learn from your mistakes in life, and you try and pass that wisdom on to others. If a person can stand up and say "I did this, and it was wrong and I want to encourage you not to make those same mistakes".. that shows an amazing amount of strength and wisdom. Being so involved in yourself that your entire focus is on being right is the easy part! Not only is it easy, it shows zero strength.. absolutely none. And friends, we need to encourage each other in this growth. When a person in your life is able to come around and admit they were wrong, feeling smug and gloating is not ok. Our focus needs to be shifted from this who is right and who is wrong issue to how can we support and build each other up.

I'm going to now take this one step further. Are you ready? When it comes to the right and wrong debate, the process of how the decision was reached will always be vastly more important than the end result. Let me explain what this has to do with politics.. or at least try to. I do not consider myself to be a democrat or a republican. The heart of the person running matters a whole lot more to me than some stupid title. My husband, however, is a republican. We start talking about politics, and things slowly start getting heated. By the time the argument is over, one or both of us is feeling hurt and alone in our marriage.. divided.. no longer one in Christ. Granted, we each were able to voice our individual opinions, but at what cost? Not only did the debate accomplish nothing, it also put a rift in the fabric that bonds us together. And this idea does not just apply to people who are married. It applies to ALL our relationships. Satan is brilliant at dividing and conquering, and we sit back and let it happen way more often than we should. Half the time we don't even realize it's happening. Satan sets up these huge traps in things like the presidential election. He gets us so focused on the "what" that we forget about the "who." We seem to think that as long as what it being debated is not a black or white issue.. as long as we are staying in the grey area.. that it is ok to treat each other poorly, to get angry with one another, to hurt each others feelings, to make another person feel worthless or small all in the name of having an individual opinion. Don't you see?! THIS IS NOT OKAY!

All right, one last thing. I really hope I'm making sense.. sometimes what I need to get out of my head comes faster than my hands can type and organize. This last part may make some of my fellow strong, feminist, female friends a little hot around the collar.. ha ha. People often do not see who I really am. I am a fairly private person, and for some reason, that tends to come off wrong. People are quick to assume that I am conservative in my beliefs.. that I've led a rather sheltered life.. that I follow all the rules all the time and I do not get into trouble. Most people who pass me on the street would fall over in confusion if they really knew my background and where I come from. I'm not saying this to be all emo.. I'm not looking for sympathy.. I am not saying my life has been any better or worse than anyone elses. I'm saying that I've been there.. grief, pain, and loneliness have been well practiced in my life over the years, as have grace, mercy, and love.. that when I say "I understand," I'm not just imagining what real hurt and disappointment must feel like... but that's neither here nor there. Obviously, as a Christian, my beliefs on life and love are grounded in the Bible. In the last several months, I feel like God has been moving in how we as people treat one another and deal with things. If you're super close to me, you're probably groaning right now because I keep talking about that very idea.. but I keep talking about it because God keeps revealing more and more of Himself to me in that area. As a nation, a country, a society, whatever, we have become completely divided. That whole "United We Stand" slogan is a huge joke, but I take full responsibility in allowing it get that way (as should you).. "Divided We Stand.. and are Crumbling" is a much more accurate way of putting things. For weeks, I have been anxious about this election.. mostly because I had no idea who I was a going to vote for or what it would take for me to finally make a decision. I used to think that my decision would always be easy.. that I would vote based on my own beliefs alone and disregard everyone elses opinion.. but.. are you ready for this?.. I was wrong. When Dan and I got married, we became one in Christ. How then had I allowed myself to fall into the trap of thinking that his opinions and beliefs should not cloud my own? I will tell you how: the world has set us up to believe that as a person, our little individual orbits are more important than unity as a couple or as a family. One of the biggest complaints I hear from women about Christianity is that in marriage, God calls us to be submissive to our husbands. You use the word "submit to a man" in reference to most females and you are probably going to get kicked in your junk. Ha ha. God's vision of marital unity has been vastly skewed by our own selfish ambitions. Now, do not for a even a second think that I am saying that as a wife, I should follow Dan around like a duckling asking permission for everything from spending money to when to pee. It does not mean that I blindly follow him into sin, or allow him to harm me or our future children. It means that I married a GOOD man.. a Godly man.. a man that I can trust to hear my opinions and beliefs and consider them when making all decisions. I KNOW this system has been abused and manipulated into horrible things. I'm not stupid, and I'm not blind. However, I will not allow the world to tell me that by allowing my husband to make the final call on decisions and standing 100% united with him somehow makes me a weak person. I'm entirely confused how somewhere down the line, being united as a family.. forsaking all others.. holding onto each other for dear life.. how all that became a BAD thing. To need another person, whether it be your spouse or best friend or parent or sibling, has become the ultimate form of weakness. It goes way above and beyond just foolish pride. "Charity" is practically a bad word and to serve others is somehow linked to letting people walk all over you. Do you see where I'm going with this? To truly be united as a country means to first be united in our day to day lives and relationships. We spend so much time pushing each other away.. we all have been hurt so many times and carry so much emotional baggage that opening our hearts and truly being vulnerable with one another is not something our society and this world supports.. which is exactly where Satan wants us. Divide and conquer. It has worked every time.. but not anymore.

Obama has won the election, and he states that America is poised for changed. I whole heartedly agree. But did I vote for him? It doesn't matter. God has put the people in leadership positions in our country for a reason. At the end of the day, the best we can ever hope to accomplish is to take the positive steps to change one moment, one decision, one relationship, one spoken word, one action at a time. Maybe it means simply walking away from a political debate that is starting to become heated and has the potential to hurt someone.. maybe it means that despite how many times your spouse has failed you, you are still going to choose to love him unconditionally today and have faith that God is big enough to change things.. maybe it means as a parent being able to admit being in the wrong to your child.. maybe it means leaving the past in the past and stop punishing someone for mistakes that cannot not be changed. I do not have all the answers, but neither do you.. if we did, we wouldn't be where we are today in the first place. The bottom line is that selfishness, independence, bitterness.. the idea that ones own opinion is always more important or more right than another.. keeping a record of wrong.. all that stuff is easy. Do not be fooled by the world. It takes FAR more strength to be a servant.. to be patient.. to admit when you are wrong.. to love unconditionally.. to build each other up and encourage one another.. to stand as a united front with your spouse and family and good friends against the deeds of darkness and the lies of the world.. these things, my friends, is what it means to be strong.. to be grounded in love and grace and mercy.

Oh.. and just for the record.. I definitely voted yes on giving farm animals ample exercise time. This issue definitely was my number one voting priority. :)