I could totally live here forever.

I seriously LOVE Alaska. I cannot even put into words how much I love it here. I know, I know.. "just wait until winter." The thing is, I don't think I'm going to change my mind. I've felt as low as -19 degrees since I've been here, and yeah, it was cold.. even hard to breathe cold. But I LIKE the cold. One of my biggest problems with living in California is my allergy to the sun. For those of you who don't know, I seriously can only be out in direct sunlight for like 15 minutes before I feel like my skin is frying off. It's extremely painful, and VERY annoying. Going to the beach is a freaking EVENT because I have to prepare so much ahead of time.. and even fully prepared, more than say three hours at the beach (even with an umbrella) leaves me totally dehydrated and uncomfortable. I've made myself very, VERY sick in the past by trying to pretend I could be like everybody else. Not so much. At least here, because the weather is cold, I can cover up comfortably. I even have beanies with visors so I don't have to worry about my face (which is generally the only thing NOT covered). Most people can't even begin to understand the freedom I feel out here. And to be honest, it's more than freedom from sun poisoning. This whole place is just.. FREEING. Standing in the woods on awesome bridge trails with no one else around and complete silence for the first time made me feel like I could BREATHE. I get almost claustrophobic in highly populated areas. I did not realize how much I missed not feeling like walls and people were pressing in on me all the time.

On a whole other note, snow is really noisy. The weather has started slowly climbing upwards (today it was 42!) which means all the snow is melting. And it's LOUD.. like continuous rain sometimes, except not nearly as relaxing. I have decided that I really like the way hard snow sounds and feels under my boots. It makes me happy. I'm just waiting for the big ice break to happen. People out here all turn in forms betting on when the large, frozen body of water is finally going to crack. They make bets down to the SECOND. It's crazy. And apparently, the noise is deafening. I can just see me going into cardiac arrest because it happens while Dan is at work and I'm all alone. Good times.

One step forward, two steps back. Or three. Or four.

Aaaaand we're back to square one. L-A-M-E.

Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

Well I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it every day
I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

She wants to go home
But nobody's home
It's where she lies broken inside
There's no place to go
No place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes and look outside
Find the reasons why you've been rejected
No, you can't find what you've left behind
Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She has fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place
She's lost inside, lost inside

Sore Throat + Exhaustion + Homesickness + Feeling Fat = Sad Day

I'm feeling old school emotional tonight. Ha ha. :)

Don't Turn Around - Ace of Base

I will survive without you
Don't tell me that you want to leave

If you want to leave
I won't beg you to stay
And if you gotta go, darling
Maybe it's better that way
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Walk out that door
See if I care, go and go

But don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go, but I won't let you know
I won't let you know

I won't miss your arms around me
Holding me tight (holding me tight)
And if you ever think about me
Just know that I'll be alright
I'll be alright
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
I will survive, I'll make it through
I'll even learn to live without you

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know

I wish I could sream out loud
That I love you
I wish I could say to you "Don't go!"

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
Baby, don't turn around, don't turn around
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
Don't turn around

Learning how to balance. (Part Two)

All that being said, the "finding myself" (so cliche) process was very similar. That is not to say that I simply shucked all responsibilities and relationships out the window- I'm hardwired to be much more responsible than that. However, my main focus was on ME. I wanted to lose control for once. I was going to do what I wanted and answer to no one. The problem with answering to "no one" is that it can very quickly turn into not even wanting to answer to God. I was lucky or blessed or both to have not been so far gone that I could ignore (or even not hear) God's voice all together.

I completely turned inward, and a lot of my relationships sort of fell to the wayside for a little while. I spent most of my time making sure to surround myself with people who empowered me and helped me to come into my own. I was treading a very line between learning to trust myself and being totally selfish. It was rough. I was emotionally and spiritually exhausted, and in a vulnerable place. I assure you Satan took full advantage of that. I assure you I fell into his traps more than once. But I also assure you that God is faithful and able to outscream the lies that Satan is feeding you if you just stop and listen hard enough. The balance of being who you are and being obnoxiously self-centered is a hard one to strike. And so I "relapsed". Maybe it was guilt. I was not used to these new feelings of being independent (not that I wasn't independent before, it was just in a different way) and it frightened me. It sounds lame, I know.

Just when I thought I was going to lose myself completely and end up undoing all the positive strides I had made, God pulled me back from the ledge. He saved my life all over again. The fear of losing who I have become and who I am meant to be terrified me. And then something clicked in my head: I needed balance. Easy enough, right? Um, I'm going with wrong. The art of serving others and caring deeply for other people while still maintaining my identity has been hard. More than hard. And I am not totally there yet. The great thing is that I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, although I am sure this is something I will always have to keep in check.

So here is what I've learned: I do not WANT to do whatever I want. I want to do what God wants. I have always wanted that to a certain extent, but this is a whole other ball game, my friends. I do not necessarily want life to be easy. God has taught me in SO many ways that if life is incredibly easy for you, you're probably doing something wrong. After all, Satan does not tend to mess with people who are not a threat (worry not.. I'm not necessarily saying that if life does seem easy, God is bound to smite you at any moment). I am learning to get out of my bubble and engage the people around me. We are relational beings, and we need face to face connections with others even when it is uncomfortable. I am taking baby steps: smiling at strangers, responding to cashiers being polite rather than clamming up and staring at my feet. Worrying about saying the wrong thing and looking like an idiot is very real for me. My friend, Jeff, once said that it should not matter how you come off because the people who do not find you ridiculous are the people God has picked out to be in your life. He's a wise one, that Jeff. :) But as always, easier said than done. I took a huge leap of faith this last weekend and joined an off-roading Jeep club with Dan despite feeling like puking from nerves waiting for the meeting to begin. And what do you know? I survived to talk about it. Life is complex. Love is complex. I am complex.. because I am made in the image of a very complex God. God is the ultimate definition of balance, and I figure if I am made in His image, then it makes sense why my heart longs for that same way of being. I'm still being molded and shaped, and though a lot of times the fire to harden the clay is painful, I really enjoy the finished product.

Learning how to balance (Part One).

I was talking with my dad this morning and I thought I'd share what we talked about and the growth I'm currently going through. I orginally planned it to be all one blog, but it got pretty long so I'm breaking it into two. The biggest process I'm currently undertaking in my life is that of balance. I tend to be a pretty unbalanced person.. ok, that makes me sound like I'm crazy (and to some, maybe I am). Ha ha. What I'm trying to say is that I tend to run in extremes. I'm extremely introverted, extremely private, extremely anxious.. guilty.. self-conscious.. controlled.. responsible.. self-doubting.. strong. With me, it tends to be all or nothing.

This can be problematic in the grand scheme of things. As a person, it isn't healthy to BE extreme. Ecclesiastes 7:18 says: "It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." I'm learning that it takes a much stronger person to practice balance than it does to live in a comfortable extreme.

Let me explain. My whole life, I never properly learned how to care for others AND care for myself. I get so busy taking care of everyone else that I forget to take care of myself. This has led to drastic and somewhat dire consequences in my life.. especially when it comes to my health. I finally pulled it together enough (or fell part enough, depending on the way you look at it) to start going to regular therapy sessions. For the first time in my life, I had to deal with.. well.. me. My issues. My problems. My background and history and shortcomings and strengths. It was brutal, but the outcome has been phenomenal. But here's the thing: in order to find balance, I first had to run the "all about me" extreme for a short time. This can be a dangerous place for the mind to go. When you start focusing so much on yourself, when you start blocking key people out, things get messy. Without someone who knows what they're doing in your life to pull you back from the edge in just the right timing, you can fall too far and the climb back can be agonizing.

The best example I have to explain all of this is the nutritional part of an eating disorder recovery program. When your weight is low and your calorie intake is practically non-existant, the nutrionists don't care WHAT you're eating as long as you're EATING. You're encouraged to eat WHATEVER sounds good. Nutritional value is of no consequence. Soda (non-diet) and sugary, high fat foods are a must. Salt is discouraged only because it makes you retain water and then they can't get an accurate read on your weight gain. You're encouraged to be selfish. The people closest to you (like, say, my husband) who are used to sharing food and ordering less because they know you aren't going to finish your food have to rethink how to order.. because once we feel like we have permission to eat, we're going to order in boatloads. Our eyes our WAY bigger than our stomaches, but the pressure of having to share MUST be removed.. otherwise, we feel like we have to eat less to ensure the other person gets enough to eat. I wasted a lot of food and a lot of money.. but it was part of the process. The bottom line though is that you cannot eat this way forever. Even if you're blessed with metabolism that keeps you from ballooning up, your body NEEDS certain nutrients and you can't ignore them forever (well, at least not if you want to live a long, productive life). Then I relapsed. I lost like 35 or 40 pounds in 4 months. This is beyond dangerous for my heart, and my family freaked out. We were all realizing something drastic had to change in the way I handled food. So for the last 18 months, the people closest to me have worked with me on balance. We make sure I not only get ENOUGH to eat during the day, but also the RIGHT things to eat. We started small, making sure I ate two meals a day.. and not Amber meals, but "normal" and "balanced" meals. Deals were struck: if I ate what I was supposed to be eating and taking care of my body for a week, a friend of mine wouldn't go rock climbing and mess with an already overused shoulder for the same amount of time. Sometimes, I was even bribed. Eventually, my body fell into a routine. I didn't even mean for it to happen. One day I'm smuggly making deals thinking I'm getting my way in some areas, and the next my body is demanding food at regular intervals. The thing is, I LIKE the balance. These days, I eat small amounts all day. I generally eat 6 meals, and I snack. What's crazy is I haven't actually gained any weight back. I've stopped losing, and I'm pretty happy where I am.. something I've never been able to say before, even at a size 1.

What I Cannot Change

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day
And pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh, the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my father or my mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk
We can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self-inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world
Than it is to please myself
Oh, the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now, I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Don't make an answer out of a question.

I love the feeling of normal. Seriously. I had forgotten how much I love just being "normal" with Daniel. Actually living in the same house again is improving things ten-fold. I had feared that the distance had changed us too much.. that we were apart for too long. And the distance HAS changed us. The great thing is that now that the distance is gone, he is back to his normal, laid-back, let me do whatever I want (ha ha) self, and he's totally accepting of the positive changes I have made in my life in his absence. It's comfortable again, but comfortable in a GOOD way.

Here's what sucks: it's normal and comfortable. But my life still feels.. incomplete. I feel like I'm straddling some weird invincible line because I'm here, but half of my life is still in San Diego. Being just us has been great.. we've worked HARD on our relationship, found a church (Bethel Chapel), and are looking for a permanent residence. But I still wish there was a way to combine both my worlds. I feel like my relationship with Dan and my "home" life in San Diego have been two separate worlds for too long. In fact, the worlds haven't REALLY intertwined since the first two months Dan and I were dating. Maybe I'll feel better when I have my animals up here and all of my stuff.. but I think it is more than that. Much more. I know this is where I'm supposed to be... wherever Dan is. And I LOVE Alaska. And God has a far better plan than I could ever imagine. So I guess I'll just.. well.. wait.

I miss Nandi like crazy. I didn't realize how much I had come to rely on her presence to feel safe. When Dan isn't home, my anxiety starts to resemble a coiled spring. Don't get me wrong. Alaska isn't like, crazy unsafe or anything. It just has a lot of weird noises.. none of them normal city noises. And our current apartment complex has really thin walls, so every time someone comes home, it sounds like someone is trying to come in our front door. This is not OK. Now, realistically, I shouldn't be worried. Our front door locks automatically when you shut it, so it's not like anyone can ever just walk in. But I've come to rely on Nandi's ears and instincts. As long as she's not nervous, I'm not nervous. I know that as soon as she gets used to new noises, she can tell what she needs to worry about and what she doesn't. I wish I had the same ability. I'm also not used to not having her connected to my hip. I would get annoyed sometimes, but now I actually miss it! Sad day.

I guess that is it. Not a whole lot to report. My sinuses have finally stopped bleeding. Dan's mom suggested we get a humidifier and it saved my life. Ha ha. I was randomly sick for a few days.. not sure what happened there, but my body was not happy. The amount of static in the air is INSANE. After days of having my hair stick up in every direction, I finally had to buy a spray to keep it under control. I was about 10 seconds away from rubbing dryer sheets on my head. :) I'm totally into Evanescence right now. I bought their album "The Open Door" a couple of years ago, but wasn't really into it. I revisited it recently, and I'm totally hooked. TOTALLY hooked. I've been playing the computer game Titan Quest in my down time. How big of a dork am I? :) I recently finished my second sci-fi novel EVER. It took me forever.. all of the weird names and made-up words and crazy amounts of characters gets me pretty lost at first. I couldn't even get through Harry Potter. But I'm finding if I stick with it, eventually it all makes sense and I can keep everything straight. So that's me.