1) Stepping out of the car at Wal-Mart and totally eating it.. then not being able to get back up because it was so freaking slippery. I landed on my hip, but somehow both my knees bruised as well. The jolt of hitting the ground so hard is making me feel like I worked out too hard. My arms and abs are still killing me.
2) Hearing "Reveille" play every single day on post. I am pretty sure we somehow ended up back in the Civil War.
3) Listening to the librarian give a long, detailed story on how she bought a candy bar for $1.00 and didn't realize she handed the girl selling them a $10.00 bill. Apparently, she had to go back and look for a lost glove, so the girl was able to give her back change. She seriously acted like she had given the girl $100 bill. The other librarians all gasped at this story as if it were a life and death situation instead of nine dollars.
4) The "rebel" teenager who walked into Taco Bell. His outfit made him look like a pirate (black bandanna and a hoop earring). His t-shirt had the words "The Man" with an arrow pointing up to his head. And below that? The words "The Legend" with an arrow pointing down. I actually snorted soda up my nose. I really wanted to go up to him and demand proof of this "legend."
5) Hearing that the volcano in Anchorage erupted five times. That isn't entirely funny, but I know they took it off of watch like two weeks ago and it then exploded this past Sunday. It's so comforting to know our natural disaster technology is so accurate. Pbbbt.
6) Listening to two guys discuss the electronic store "Fry's." You would think they were talking about the Fountain of Youth or something.. THAT'S how excited they were. And they've never actually been to one. There isn't even one IN Alaska.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
bad day. i'm feeling pretty lost.
i am the only one to blame for this
somehow it all ends up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high
and like Icarus, i collide
with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love
to give and die
to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce
the skin of One who loves
more deeply than the oceans
more abundant than the tears
of a worls embracing every heartache
can i be the one to sacrifice?
or grip the spear and
watch the blood and water flow?
to love You
take my world apart
to need You
i am on my knees
to love You
take my world apart
to need You
broken on my knees
all said and done, i stand alone
amongst remains of a life i should not own
it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
did You really have to die for me?
all i am, for all You are
because what i need and what i believe
are world's apart
i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
more and more i need You now
i owe You more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago
so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it Yours
take my world apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that i despise
speak the words i can't deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
i pray, i pray, i pray
take my world apart
-jars of clay
somehow it all ends up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high
and like Icarus, i collide
with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love
to give and die
to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce
the skin of One who loves
more deeply than the oceans
more abundant than the tears
of a worls embracing every heartache
can i be the one to sacrifice?
or grip the spear and
watch the blood and water flow?
to love You
take my world apart
to need You
i am on my knees
to love You
take my world apart
to need You
broken on my knees
all said and done, i stand alone
amongst remains of a life i should not own
it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
did You really have to die for me?
all i am, for all You are
because what i need and what i believe
are world's apart
i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
more and more i need You now
i owe You more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago
so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it Yours
take my world apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that i despise
speak the words i can't deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
i pray, i pray, i pray
take my world apart
-jars of clay
Saturday, March 21, 2009
SO excited!
Twilight came out today! Hooray! Lucky for me, I was able to already pick up the 2-disc version. That alone makes it a good day. :) Dan thinks I'm ridiculous for being so into it.. it's just that the type of love shown in Twilight series is pretty much what every person hopes to have in a long-term relationship. Dan and I have very different views on love, so I don't think he totally gets it. I love on a whole other level.. which can sometimes be a bad thing because the people I love have the power to basically destroy me emotionally. I've learned a LOT about love over the last several months.. what it truely means to be loved unconditionally for who you are, not who everyone else thinks you should be; to love someone so much, the deep dark secrets cease to matter. I know I'm seeing the movie through different eyes, and I'm both excited and saddened by that. I guess I really am some crazy romantic at heart..
Friday, March 20, 2009
Wind Me Up and Watch Me Go
Over the past couple of months.. and maybe even longer than that if I'm being totally honest with myself.. I have come to realize that I have whole lot of anger inside me. Up until now, I have been able to hide it. I have always been terrified of my temper. I do NOT want to turn into the type of person who flies off the handle and attacks others. My dad was the firs to point it out to me when Dan was home in February and we attempted to solve some of our marital and communication issues. I think even my dad would be surprised at how furious I have become with the world.. or maybe my life, depending on the way you look at it. I came by the book "Angry Conversations with God" as a total fluke. I was looking for "The Excellent Wife," but apparently God had other plans for me.
Here is the thing: I have been a Christian my whole life. I have never doubted God's presence in my life. I love Him, and I love Jesus. My love has never faltered. That being said, I'm also upset with Him. I have finally realized that it is ok to get angry with God sometimes. After all, we tend to get the most angry with the people we love the most because they actually have a place in our hearts. A BIG place. Reading this book, I felt like I could have written it myself.
I do not WANT to be mad at God, and I certainly did not want to let others know that I was experiencing these negative feelings. I am supposed to be the strong one. Most people do not see that the calm exterior does not match my turbulent heart. I struggle with the things that have gone down in my life.. why things continually have to be hard for me no matter how much I plead with God to take some of it away. It terrifies me that God puts you through trials to prepare you for something bigger. I do not WANT anything bigger. I also know that the Bible says God will never give you more than you can handle, but I hate that the things piled onto my life cause me to consistently feel on the verge of destruction. I just want to feel better and stop all the tears.
Lucky for me, my faith is strong enough to keep me invested in my relationship with Christ. I do not feel the need to rebel against Him. I do not feel like I need to run from my Christian walk. I have been praying like a freaking maniac, and spend vast amounts of time listening for God's voice. In my darkest hours, I worry that I have done something wrong.. like maybe if I lived a better life somehow, things would improve. Blah.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I've been here one week.
You know the saying: "There's a fine line between love and hate?" I believe that. Both are such crazy strong emotions that it would make sense people struggle with exactly what they're feeling.. especially when it's a person they KNOW they love or loved at some point. At any rate, I've recently realized something similar along those same lines: there is a very fine line between too soon and too late. Why do I feel like they are one in the same?
From "Handle With Care":
"You are the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me, and the most painful... I love you, and I always will. Maybe more than I should... I thought that if I loved you hard enough, I could move mountains for you; I could make you fly. It didn't matter to me how that happened - just as long as it did. I wasn't thinking of who I might hurt, only who I could rescue... When it comes to memories, the good and the bad never balance" (273).
"'How can I miss him more when he's two feet away from me than when he's not around?'" (302).
"'A dutiful mother is someone who follows every step her child makes.' I said.
'And a good mother?'
I lifted my gaze to hers. 'Is someone whose child wants to follow HER'" (262).
"The more my hands moved, the less likely I was to let my mind wander... I'd left the pillows and bedding out, a just-in-case, as close as I could come to an apology. He came to the house every now and then to pick stuff up, but when he did, I felt like I was intruding. I would balance my checkbook, I would clean the bathroom, while listening to the two of you laugh in the other room... Sometimes I missed him viscerally. Sometimes I was angry at him. Sometimes I just wanted to turn back time... But mostly I wondered why the head could move so quickly while the heart dragged its feet. Even when I felt sure of myself and confident that I would be fine on my own, I still loved him. It felt like anything else permanent that has gone missing: a lost tooth, a severed leg. You might know better, but that doesn't keep your tongue from poking at the hole in your gum, or your phantom limb from aching" (268-269).
"This was worse than being judged by a jury of my peers. This was being judged by a jury of YOUR peers. I was, pure and simple, a failure... I cried until my eyes had swollen and my cheeks hurt. I cried until there was nothing left inside me" (271/272).
"Somewhere, in the deep creases of my mind - the folds where hope gets caught - I believed that whatever was wrong between you and me was reparable. It had to be, because when you love someone, you don't just suddenly lose that bond. Like any other energy, it can't be destroyed, just channeled into something else" (272).
From "Handle With Care":
"You are the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me, and the most painful... I love you, and I always will. Maybe more than I should... I thought that if I loved you hard enough, I could move mountains for you; I could make you fly. It didn't matter to me how that happened - just as long as it did. I wasn't thinking of who I might hurt, only who I could rescue... When it comes to memories, the good and the bad never balance" (273).
"'How can I miss him more when he's two feet away from me than when he's not around?'" (302).
"'A dutiful mother is someone who follows every step her child makes.' I said.
'And a good mother?'
I lifted my gaze to hers. 'Is someone whose child wants to follow HER'" (262).
"The more my hands moved, the less likely I was to let my mind wander... I'd left the pillows and bedding out, a just-in-case, as close as I could come to an apology. He came to the house every now and then to pick stuff up, but when he did, I felt like I was intruding. I would balance my checkbook, I would clean the bathroom, while listening to the two of you laugh in the other room... Sometimes I missed him viscerally. Sometimes I was angry at him. Sometimes I just wanted to turn back time... But mostly I wondered why the head could move so quickly while the heart dragged its feet. Even when I felt sure of myself and confident that I would be fine on my own, I still loved him. It felt like anything else permanent that has gone missing: a lost tooth, a severed leg. You might know better, but that doesn't keep your tongue from poking at the hole in your gum, or your phantom limb from aching" (268-269).
"This was worse than being judged by a jury of my peers. This was being judged by a jury of YOUR peers. I was, pure and simple, a failure... I cried until my eyes had swollen and my cheeks hurt. I cried until there was nothing left inside me" (271/272).
"Somewhere, in the deep creases of my mind - the folds where hope gets caught - I believed that whatever was wrong between you and me was reparable. It had to be, because when you love someone, you don't just suddenly lose that bond. Like any other energy, it can't be destroyed, just channeled into something else" (272).
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
How did we get here?
Ever feel like you aren't ever going to get past something? For example, some people say you never truely get over your first love. Now, for me, that isn't the case at all. It's so much bigger and deeper than I could ever put into words. I WANT to move on. I WANT to let all of this go. It's not working, and I feel exhausted.
Today.. sucked, I'm not going to lie. Ha ha. I've been out of heart medication for four days or so. This isn't anything new and different. I can be really bad about medication. I think it has something to do with rebellion, and something to do with pretending I'm just as healthy as everyone else. However, my body seems to defy me every chance it gets. By last night, I had the shakes so badly that when I tried underlining stuff in my book, it came out more like a squiggle. Game over. Time for the doctor. This is the part where I HATE the military. I called to get an appointment at the Family Practice Clinic, but since I'm still on Tricare West (I won't switch to Tricare Alaska until I actually move here), I couldn't be seen there. The connected me to a nurse, and after explaining everything all over again, she said I had to go to the ER. This really bothers me because I feel lame walking into the emergency room when so many people need it more than I do. On the other hand, I'm acutely aware that by the end of the week without the medication, my heart could fail completely (being at risk for a heart attack at 24 seriously sucks). We called the ER and checked the wait time, and since it was slow, we headed over there. The receptionist THOUGHT she knew what she was doing by calling the pharmacy and getting clearance just to go over there for a refill.. even though I told her like THREE FREAKING TIMES that I didn't have any refills left on the bottle. She kept insisting that was fine; that the pharmacy would fill it any way. Dude, I've been dealing with this terrible system for four years now. It's sad, but I TOTALLY knew more than she did, but she wouldn't listen. So we went back to the hotel, picked up the empty bottle, and went to the pharmacy.. where we were told there was nothing they could do since the pill bottle lacked refills. They told us I had to be seen at the emergency room. Well, no shit, Sherlock. We went BACK to the ER, and by this time, I was fuming. The problem with NOT having the heart medication is that my blood pressure spikes to dangerous levels, and I can't differenciate between actual angry feelings and simple high blood pressure. I get crazy anxiety, and I shake unconrtolably. I made sure to point out when we returned to the ER that SHE had made the mistake with the whole refill thing. I get so tired of people not listening to a word I say.. like they know my body better than I do. I know the routine in this case.. we go to the ER, I'm seen by a doctor, and he fills the prescription. Sounds easy, yes? Nope. First, I had to hear from some stupid doctor that I'm WAY too young to have hypertension, and actually kept making comments about how he wished I wouldn't refill the medication. This infuriated me even more. He doesn't know my background.. he doesn't know that I've struggled with an eating disorder for about a decade on and off.. that when the body is starving, it eats muscle.. the heart is a muscle. My body chose to eat that.. it can't be repaired, just maintained. He actually made me feel GUILTY for taking a medication that I would literally die without. Stupid man. We ended up having to wait for like three hours to be seen.. and by then, my anxiety was through the roof. I've spent WAY too much time in the ER to feel comfortable there. I was seriously ready to kill someone by the time we got out of there. Dan took it in stride, though. He's pretty brave for putting up with me. I feel better now that my heart isn't racing and I've stopped shaking. Sigh.
"Twilight" comes out on DVD soon! I'm ridiculously excited. Since I'm in Alaska, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get it the day it comes out. I'm stoked. The only problem is that the movie makes me think about things that I would prefer not to deal with. The idea that there are SO many different types of love.. that sometimes a person can love you to the best of his or her ability, but that may not be enough. The connections in the movie and the books are INTENSE.. and things have changed since I first read the series and saw the movie. I used to be able to see so much of my own feelings in it (minus the vampire thing.. ha ha). And while I still feel that way, I feel like the characters I once related others to has shifted uncomfortably. The big idea is this: it all comes down to who you can't live without. But what do you do when you aren't sure who that person is anymore?
Decoded - Paramore (from the Twilight soundtrack)
How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight
All the time
Nor could I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No, not this time, not this time
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know
The truth is hiding in your eyes
And hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think I can't see
What kind of man you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I'll figure this one out
On my own
I'm screaming I love you so
(On my own)
But my thoughts you can't decode
Do you see what we've done?
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
I think I know, I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me
I want it to be true
Today.. sucked, I'm not going to lie. Ha ha. I've been out of heart medication for four days or so. This isn't anything new and different. I can be really bad about medication. I think it has something to do with rebellion, and something to do with pretending I'm just as healthy as everyone else. However, my body seems to defy me every chance it gets. By last night, I had the shakes so badly that when I tried underlining stuff in my book, it came out more like a squiggle. Game over. Time for the doctor. This is the part where I HATE the military. I called to get an appointment at the Family Practice Clinic, but since I'm still on Tricare West (I won't switch to Tricare Alaska until I actually move here), I couldn't be seen there. The connected me to a nurse, and after explaining everything all over again, she said I had to go to the ER. This really bothers me because I feel lame walking into the emergency room when so many people need it more than I do. On the other hand, I'm acutely aware that by the end of the week without the medication, my heart could fail completely (being at risk for a heart attack at 24 seriously sucks). We called the ER and checked the wait time, and since it was slow, we headed over there. The receptionist THOUGHT she knew what she was doing by calling the pharmacy and getting clearance just to go over there for a refill.. even though I told her like THREE FREAKING TIMES that I didn't have any refills left on the bottle. She kept insisting that was fine; that the pharmacy would fill it any way. Dude, I've been dealing with this terrible system for four years now. It's sad, but I TOTALLY knew more than she did, but she wouldn't listen. So we went back to the hotel, picked up the empty bottle, and went to the pharmacy.. where we were told there was nothing they could do since the pill bottle lacked refills. They told us I had to be seen at the emergency room. Well, no shit, Sherlock. We went BACK to the ER, and by this time, I was fuming. The problem with NOT having the heart medication is that my blood pressure spikes to dangerous levels, and I can't differenciate between actual angry feelings and simple high blood pressure. I get crazy anxiety, and I shake unconrtolably. I made sure to point out when we returned to the ER that SHE had made the mistake with the whole refill thing. I get so tired of people not listening to a word I say.. like they know my body better than I do. I know the routine in this case.. we go to the ER, I'm seen by a doctor, and he fills the prescription. Sounds easy, yes? Nope. First, I had to hear from some stupid doctor that I'm WAY too young to have hypertension, and actually kept making comments about how he wished I wouldn't refill the medication. This infuriated me even more. He doesn't know my background.. he doesn't know that I've struggled with an eating disorder for about a decade on and off.. that when the body is starving, it eats muscle.. the heart is a muscle. My body chose to eat that.. it can't be repaired, just maintained. He actually made me feel GUILTY for taking a medication that I would literally die without. Stupid man. We ended up having to wait for like three hours to be seen.. and by then, my anxiety was through the roof. I've spent WAY too much time in the ER to feel comfortable there. I was seriously ready to kill someone by the time we got out of there. Dan took it in stride, though. He's pretty brave for putting up with me. I feel better now that my heart isn't racing and I've stopped shaking. Sigh.
"Twilight" comes out on DVD soon! I'm ridiculously excited. Since I'm in Alaska, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get it the day it comes out. I'm stoked. The only problem is that the movie makes me think about things that I would prefer not to deal with. The idea that there are SO many different types of love.. that sometimes a person can love you to the best of his or her ability, but that may not be enough. The connections in the movie and the books are INTENSE.. and things have changed since I first read the series and saw the movie. I used to be able to see so much of my own feelings in it (minus the vampire thing.. ha ha). And while I still feel that way, I feel like the characters I once related others to has shifted uncomfortably. The big idea is this: it all comes down to who you can't live without. But what do you do when you aren't sure who that person is anymore?
Decoded - Paramore (from the Twilight soundtrack)
How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight
All the time
Nor could I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No, not this time, not this time
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know
The truth is hiding in your eyes
And hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think I can't see
What kind of man you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I'll figure this one out
On my own
I'm screaming I love you so
(On my own)
But my thoughts you can't decode
Do you see what we've done?
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
I think I know, I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me
I want it to be true
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