Are we having fun yet? Seriously. Bah. It's been a long week. I've been working crazy hours and for some reasons my emotions kind of feel like a wound up rubber band. I really do like my new job.. the people are great and I usually at least have SOME fun; I'm just not used to being on my feet all day, every day anymore. I think one of my main problems is I want to do well and I want to fit in. I'm a perfectionist, so it really bothers me when I screw up. And even though it's stupid, when I'm at work, I care what people think about me. AND, when customers snap at me, even when it's over something I have ZERO control over like prices or whether or not we can use a coupon, I take it personally. I think working is a hazard to my mental health..
I seriously feel out of sorts. Maybe it's the holidays.. and Dan not being here for them. Maybe it's the new job and being bombarded with so many new people and experiences. Maybe it's the whole Max-not-really-having-a-baby drama (if you don't know what I'm talking about, you can ask me specifically.. I don't have the energy to explain the whole story right now). Maybe it's the fact that I feel like a freaking cow these days. Don't get me wrong.. I'm not like, depressed or anything. I just feel off-kilter. And I miss Germany. That's all there is, there isn't anymore.
"Do you ever have that dream
Where you're walking naked down the street
And everyone just stares?
Do you ever feel so deep that you speak your mind
To put others straight to sleep?
You wonder if anybody cares
Sometimes I think I'm the only one
Whose day turned out unlike it had begun
And I feel bare naked and I just can't take it
I'm getting jaded, no, I just can't fake it anymore
'Cuz I'm bare naked and I know life's what you make it
Wish I could float away to some other day
You ever go downstairs to start your day
But your car's not there
Yeah, you know the joke is on you
You ever try your luck with a pick-up line
But you just sucked
You tell yourself it wasn't you
And I know it's hard to hold it inside
It's days like these I run and hide
When I feel bare naked and I just can't take it
I'm getting jaded, no, I just can't fake it anymore
I'm bare naked and I know life's what you make it
Wish I could float away to some other day
It's all a state of mind
But I don't mind trying to find a way
To keep my head above the mess I make
What the world creates
Sometimes it feels so good to let it all fall."
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
The Good Stuff
I know, I know.. it's been like a million years since the last time I updated this thing. It's been a hard couple of weeks, and I haven't felt like dumping on everyone. The last thing I need is to come as super negative. I'm hanging in there though.. things have calmed down a little bit despite being in the middle of the holiday season. I snagged a job at Border's (for those of you who don't know, that's a book and music store that also sports a cafe) last week and have been working my butt off. I had forgotten how uncomfortable standing around all day can be. But the people I work with are awesome and we have a lot of fun, plus the discount is nice now that it's Christmas present time. For those of you who have seen Clerks 2, I work with a guy who seriously acts JUST LIKE Elias. Good times.
God has really been blessing my relationships lately. I take Max to community service sometimes during the week, and I always hate having to get up at the butt crack of dawn (we have to make it to the heart of San Marcos by 7:30 and cannot be late), but our time together is always really great. We laugh a lot, and get to talk about things that matter. That's what life is all about really.. relationships. How people survive without close, personal relationships, I will never know. It's such a vital part of life.. we definitely were not made to be alone.
Dan is doing well. He's moving around Iraq a lot, but has been getting lots of flight time over the last month or so. He really likes his newest location because he actually gets internet on his own computer.. which also means he has Gmail chat back. Woot! So we're back to talking every day.. SO great! July seems SO far off sometimes. And to think when it finally DOES get here, I only get him for like two and a half weeks and then I have to send him back. I'm not going to lie.. sometimes it seems overwhelming. I try not to look ahead.. I think I'd go crazy if I just spent all my time thinking about July. Instead, I try and take it one day at a time. Looking back, time has gone by pretty quickly so far. We're actually almost past the half-way mark until R&R.. crazy!
My friend Brittany is coming to visit next month! I'm super stoked. We're taking a trip to Vegas and neither of us have ever been, so that will be fun. She's never been to Cali, so it will be interesting for me to do the touristy thing. Hopefully she's not TOO disappointed. :) Ha ha. I promise to update more often from here on out. Now I'm going to take a nap. Yay!
Oh, one last thing. I saw the movie "August Rush" this last weekend with Rachel. It was a good one for sure! But remember to bring the tissues.
God has really been blessing my relationships lately. I take Max to community service sometimes during the week, and I always hate having to get up at the butt crack of dawn (we have to make it to the heart of San Marcos by 7:30 and cannot be late), but our time together is always really great. We laugh a lot, and get to talk about things that matter. That's what life is all about really.. relationships. How people survive without close, personal relationships, I will never know. It's such a vital part of life.. we definitely were not made to be alone.
Dan is doing well. He's moving around Iraq a lot, but has been getting lots of flight time over the last month or so. He really likes his newest location because he actually gets internet on his own computer.. which also means he has Gmail chat back. Woot! So we're back to talking every day.. SO great! July seems SO far off sometimes. And to think when it finally DOES get here, I only get him for like two and a half weeks and then I have to send him back. I'm not going to lie.. sometimes it seems overwhelming. I try not to look ahead.. I think I'd go crazy if I just spent all my time thinking about July. Instead, I try and take it one day at a time. Looking back, time has gone by pretty quickly so far. We're actually almost past the half-way mark until R&R.. crazy!
My friend Brittany is coming to visit next month! I'm super stoked. We're taking a trip to Vegas and neither of us have ever been, so that will be fun. She's never been to Cali, so it will be interesting for me to do the touristy thing. Hopefully she's not TOO disappointed. :) Ha ha. I promise to update more often from here on out. Now I'm going to take a nap. Yay!
Oh, one last thing. I saw the movie "August Rush" this last weekend with Rachel. It was a good one for sure! But remember to bring the tissues.
Friday, November 9, 2007
And the world spins madly on.
I'm in my dark place [said in a loud whisper while glaring]. If you've never seen Stuart on Mad TV, you have no idea what I'm talking about. Regardless, you get the point.. I'm in one of my black moods. I've felt it coming on for a few days. It's been a rather hard week, and I've had way too many social interactions. I'm kind of a loner like that.. seeing too many people in one week makes me edgy. It's now Friday night and I'm grumpy and I've opted to have a night in, by myself. I was at the Anderson's earlier today helping with fire clean-up (THAT was pretty depressing.. the work is so pain-staking and time consuming that even after cleaning for three hours, it barely looked like I had done anything!) and brought like 10 loads of laundry home to do for them. So my plan is to do laundry (it actually relaxes me), eat cookies and sunflower seeds, drink champagne, take a bath, and go to bed early. And I refuse to answer my cell phone, so nobody better die tonight. That's an order.
My little brother, Max (one of three), got into a GNARLY car accident this week. The car is totalled. How he walked away without getting killed is beyond me.. especially since his airbag didn't deploy. The details of the accident are still a little sketchy, but it's my understanding that both Max and the other car ran red lights and the other car didn't have lights on so Max couldn't see him.. they hit each other head on. Max was in his little Chevy Aveo, and the other car was a van. The van won. Max is ok though.
Dan and I could use a LOT of prayer right now. We're in the process of making the biggest decision we've ever made as a couple (other than deciding to get married), and while I can't go into details right now, it has the potential to change our entire lives. We really just want to follow God's lead wherever it may take us, and remain faithful to Him regardless of the consequences. But we're stressed, and tired, and Satan is very good at exploiting our weaknesses. So please pray that God grants us strength, wisdom, and patience to wait on His command.
Grey's Anatomy last night was rather unsatisfying. Next week a school bus full of children crashes, and some kid comes in with a pencil stuck through his eye from the debris flying around. Hopefully it's a little more gratifying.
My little brother, Max (one of three), got into a GNARLY car accident this week. The car is totalled. How he walked away without getting killed is beyond me.. especially since his airbag didn't deploy. The details of the accident are still a little sketchy, but it's my understanding that both Max and the other car ran red lights and the other car didn't have lights on so Max couldn't see him.. they hit each other head on. Max was in his little Chevy Aveo, and the other car was a van. The van won. Max is ok though.
Dan and I could use a LOT of prayer right now. We're in the process of making the biggest decision we've ever made as a couple (other than deciding to get married), and while I can't go into details right now, it has the potential to change our entire lives. We really just want to follow God's lead wherever it may take us, and remain faithful to Him regardless of the consequences. But we're stressed, and tired, and Satan is very good at exploiting our weaknesses. So please pray that God grants us strength, wisdom, and patience to wait on His command.
Grey's Anatomy last night was rather unsatisfying. Next week a school bus full of children crashes, and some kid comes in with a pencil stuck through his eye from the debris flying around. Hopefully it's a little more gratifying.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
When in doubt, call Mom and Dad.
Ok, so technically it's my dad and step-mom, but you get the point (my real mom lives too far away for me to run to her house when things get hard). Yesterday, my 7-month-old, 51 pound puppy got sick. REALLY SICK. She had crazy amounts of crap coming out both ends. She woke me up SUPER early to go out, and it was all down hill from there. By late evening, I was practically in tears not knowing what to do and completely overwhelmed. I've never owned a big dog, so dealing with one alone was especially hard. SO, I loaded Nandi and Madeleine into the car (Nandi puked in the garage on the way to the car) and drove like a bat out of hell to my dad's house (Nandi also pooped in the car on the way there). Debbie, my step-mom, met me outside to deal with Nandi as I was ready to have a nervous break down. Lucky for me (and my brothers) my dad and Debbie are GREAT at handling whatever we throw at them (and often times we throw more than any normal parents could handle at them.. we seriously tell them EVERYTHING). Debbie put Nandi in their backyard AND cleaned my car out for me. My dad made dinner for us, and I didn't even have to fix my own plate. By the time I went home, I felt like I was in one piece again, and Nandi's stomach had finally settled down. I would probably die during this deployment if I weren't so close to so much family.
What did Nandi get sick from you ask? Let me explain. Nandi is part rhodesian ridgeback, part boxer.. but mostly rhodesian ridgeback. She looks just like one except she's actually missing the ridge down her back. Way back in the day, ridgebacks were bread in Africa to be lion hunters and killers. They are the only dog in the world strong enough to kill a lion.. their name actually means "king of the lions." This means she extremely strong.. at 50 pounds, she can already over power me when she wants to (thank God for puppy school). I gave her this bone that would take a normal dog a couple of months to chew up. It took Nandi three hours. Though she was strong enough to eat it that fast, her digestive system isn't built to eat that much bone in one sitting.. so things didn't go over so well in her digestive track. Normally, she's smarter than the average dog.. but apparently not when it comes to her stomach.
Today, my dad and Debbie came over and helped me get my house in order. Everything is almost completely put away, thank God. It was really starting to overwhelm me and stress me out. With three of us working on it, things went really quickly. Things should totally come together tomorrow INCLUDING all of the stuff that belongs on the walls. Woot!
To close, I dyed my hair so that's it's closer to my original color. For those of you who don't know, I was born with bright red hair. The red has darkened a little bit over the years, but I'm still a red head. Somewhere along the line of getting it highlighted, it started to look rather blond.. and I got tired of it, and the upkeep it required. So we're back to red. I actually missed it.
What did Nandi get sick from you ask? Let me explain. Nandi is part rhodesian ridgeback, part boxer.. but mostly rhodesian ridgeback. She looks just like one except she's actually missing the ridge down her back. Way back in the day, ridgebacks were bread in Africa to be lion hunters and killers. They are the only dog in the world strong enough to kill a lion.. their name actually means "king of the lions." This means she extremely strong.. at 50 pounds, she can already over power me when she wants to (thank God for puppy school). I gave her this bone that would take a normal dog a couple of months to chew up. It took Nandi three hours. Though she was strong enough to eat it that fast, her digestive system isn't built to eat that much bone in one sitting.. so things didn't go over so well in her digestive track. Normally, she's smarter than the average dog.. but apparently not when it comes to her stomach.
Today, my dad and Debbie came over and helped me get my house in order. Everything is almost completely put away, thank God. It was really starting to overwhelm me and stress me out. With three of us working on it, things went really quickly. Things should totally come together tomorrow INCLUDING all of the stuff that belongs on the walls. Woot!
To close, I dyed my hair so that's it's closer to my original color. For those of you who don't know, I was born with bright red hair. The red has darkened a little bit over the years, but I'm still a red head. Somewhere along the line of getting it highlighted, it started to look rather blond.. and I got tired of it, and the upkeep it required. So we're back to red. I actually missed it.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Happy Halloween!
Just so we're clear, Halloween is by far my least favorite holiday of the year. I'm not sure what caused my aversion to it, but most of the time I'd rather just skip it all together. However, this year, I opted to dress the dogs up and take them to the Harvest Festival at RBBC. Nandi was a pumpkin and Madeleine was a dinosaur with a little caveman riding on her back. SO CUTE. Anna went with me so I didn't struggle the whole night trying to control both dogs. Nandi did a WHOLE lot better than we expected her to, so that was a relief. The festival was pretty crowded.. we actually managed to fill up the parking lot so people had to start parking on the street. And for the record, Anna was dressed like an 80's chick, not a hoochie. :) Enjoy the pictures below.
I just finished watching the Invisible and Captivity. The latter I don't recommend at all, but the first one was ok (although fairly predictable). I got to talk to Dan on the phone last night at like 2:30am. It was good to hear his voice, but sometimes the phone calls actually make being away from him worse. Sad day.
I'm excited it's finally November! BRING ON THE TURKEY!
I just finished watching the Invisible and Captivity. The latter I don't recommend at all, but the first one was ok (although fairly predictable). I got to talk to Dan on the phone last night at like 2:30am. It was good to hear his voice, but sometimes the phone calls actually make being away from him worse. Sad day.
I'm excited it's finally November! BRING ON THE TURKEY!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Our chinchilla has three names.
Last week I brought home a chinchilla my brother got from a friend of his and promptly neglected (God bless my parents who keep allowing us to bring homeless animals into their house even though they know what the outcome will probably be). I'm a huge animal lover, and feel the need to always have a small animal in the house. Deuteronomy, our rabbit, sadly had to find a new home in Germany, so the chinchilla was an ok second choice. Originally, his name was Wiley. But upon bringing him home, Anna decided she liked Roger better. Then Elizabeth came to visit and kept calling him Chinky (the fact that name is so close to a racial slur didn't seem to bother anyone but me). I've taken to calling him Chinchilla with Three Names. Maybe I should shorten it to CTN.
Last night, a friend of mine, Morgan, and I carved pumpkins. Maybe it's because when you're little your parents do all the work, but carving pumpkins is a LOT harder than I remember it being. Dan and I carved one in Alabama when we were engaged and I was visiting, but he didn't make me do much , I guess. Anyway, Morgan came up with the brilliant idea to use carrots for their noses.. a sort of snowman meets jack-o-lantern. For some reason, I didn't think about the fact that carrots need moisture to stay straight.. so my pumpkins nose is drooping rather sadly at this point. I guess it's a good thing Halloween is tomorrow. I'm taking Nandi and Madeleine to the Harvest Festival at RBBC. They will be dressed up as a pumpkin and a dinosaur. I'll post pictures when I get them. :)
I spent the evening at the Blank's house (as in Dan's parents house) and had dinner and watched NCIS and the Unit. The Unit was a little hard to watch.. it actually was set in Iraq this episode, and their was lots of shooting and explosions. I had to keep reminding myself that Dan was safe and in the middle of nowhere. My stomach kept getting queasy though.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I think it has something to do with not totally feeling at home here, which is weird because before I got married, I had been living in San Diego for like nine or ten years. I know it's because Dan isn't here, and all of my stuff in my bedroom is new. It's weird sleeping in a bed that Dan has never seen with sheets Dan didn't help me pick out. I'm hoping once everything is put away and in order maybe I'll feel better. One of these days I'll finally get my old bookshelf out of my parent's storage unit. I've had it forever, which should help.
Dan is still doing well. He got the Wii I sent him in the mail today and was pretty stoked about that. He's been asking for one since last Christmas, but they get snatched up pretty quickly. I had to have a showdown on Ebay to get him one. He was watching Transformers when I spoke with him earlier. His opinion on the movie? "I was disappointed it was a commercial for GM." I didn't notice when I saw the movie, but maybe I missed something.
Last night, a friend of mine, Morgan, and I carved pumpkins. Maybe it's because when you're little your parents do all the work, but carving pumpkins is a LOT harder than I remember it being. Dan and I carved one in Alabama when we were engaged and I was visiting, but he didn't make me do much , I guess. Anyway, Morgan came up with the brilliant idea to use carrots for their noses.. a sort of snowman meets jack-o-lantern. For some reason, I didn't think about the fact that carrots need moisture to stay straight.. so my pumpkins nose is drooping rather sadly at this point. I guess it's a good thing Halloween is tomorrow. I'm taking Nandi and Madeleine to the Harvest Festival at RBBC. They will be dressed up as a pumpkin and a dinosaur. I'll post pictures when I get them. :)
I spent the evening at the Blank's house (as in Dan's parents house) and had dinner and watched NCIS and the Unit. The Unit was a little hard to watch.. it actually was set in Iraq this episode, and their was lots of shooting and explosions. I had to keep reminding myself that Dan was safe and in the middle of nowhere. My stomach kept getting queasy though.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I think it has something to do with not totally feeling at home here, which is weird because before I got married, I had been living in San Diego for like nine or ten years. I know it's because Dan isn't here, and all of my stuff in my bedroom is new. It's weird sleeping in a bed that Dan has never seen with sheets Dan didn't help me pick out. I'm hoping once everything is put away and in order maybe I'll feel better. One of these days I'll finally get my old bookshelf out of my parent's storage unit. I've had it forever, which should help.
Dan is still doing well. He got the Wii I sent him in the mail today and was pretty stoked about that. He's been asking for one since last Christmas, but they get snatched up pretty quickly. I had to have a showdown on Ebay to get him one. He was watching Transformers when I spoke with him earlier. His opinion on the movie? "I was disappointed it was a commercial for GM." I didn't notice when I saw the movie, but maybe I missed something.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Shoot Your TV; Read Comics
Being the oldest sibling sucks sometimes. Or maybe it's being the oldest female sibling that's the problem.. regardless, I find myself worrying about my younger siblings when I really shouldn't. They're all technically adults, and can pretty much fend for themselves. But that's not helping me sleep any better.
Can I just say my weekend rocked? Saturday evening I drove up to Deidre and Jarod's in Whittier. Man, I miss Deidre being around all the time. I feel like we've only started to really openly share with each other in the last couple of years, and it makes me sad that she lives further north now. Her husband, Jarod, is quite possibly one of the most rad men on the planet (watch out for the hookers!). It was such a blessing to get to spend time with them. Today, first thing in the morning, I drove further north to Granada Hills to hang out with Dan's friend Jeff. His church is awesome.. I wish I lived further north.. I'd go every Sunday. We had a fun lunch at the Grove and I was finally able to spend some time getting to know him. He and Dan go WAY back.. like from junior high school (and they're in their early 30's so that was a long time ago.. ha ha). Jeff is now one of my most favorite people in the world.
I just finished the book "House" by Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker. It scared me pretty bad. I'm such a chicken. Spiritual warfare freaks me out.. even if the book is fiction.
Driving on the freeway is terrifying. Especially the 5. Especially when the little red car four cars ahead of you spins out of control and ends up facing the wrong direction and you have to swerve into another lane without looking. Bah.
My title for today's blog comes straight from the comic book company Lost in the Dark Press.. which just happens to be run by not only Jeff, but another one of Dan's friends, Steve. The company is in my top friends on Myspace. You should check them out. Their work is brilliant. No, seriously, go NOW.
Can I just say my weekend rocked? Saturday evening I drove up to Deidre and Jarod's in Whittier. Man, I miss Deidre being around all the time. I feel like we've only started to really openly share with each other in the last couple of years, and it makes me sad that she lives further north now. Her husband, Jarod, is quite possibly one of the most rad men on the planet (watch out for the hookers!). It was such a blessing to get to spend time with them. Today, first thing in the morning, I drove further north to Granada Hills to hang out with Dan's friend Jeff. His church is awesome.. I wish I lived further north.. I'd go every Sunday. We had a fun lunch at the Grove and I was finally able to spend some time getting to know him. He and Dan go WAY back.. like from junior high school (and they're in their early 30's so that was a long time ago.. ha ha). Jeff is now one of my most favorite people in the world.
I just finished the book "House" by Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker. It scared me pretty bad. I'm such a chicken. Spiritual warfare freaks me out.. even if the book is fiction.
Driving on the freeway is terrifying. Especially the 5. Especially when the little red car four cars ahead of you spins out of control and ends up facing the wrong direction and you have to swerve into another lane without looking. Bah.
My title for today's blog comes straight from the comic book company Lost in the Dark Press.. which just happens to be run by not only Jeff, but another one of Dan's friends, Steve. The company is in my top friends on Myspace. You should check them out. Their work is brilliant. No, seriously, go NOW.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
It begins.
Why does it seem like the font is HUGE while I type this? I've been blogging for 5 seconds on something that is not Myspace and I'm already confused.
I figured this blog thing was a good idea.. it makes sense to have one spot people can go to for updates. Not that my life is that exciting. :)
I hate it when all you want is to go to sleep because you know you have a big day ahead of you and your body refuses to shut down. I'm going up to LA tomorrow to visit Deidre, and then going further north to visit Dan's friend, Jeff. I mean, he's my friend too, but he was Dan's friend first. You understand.
Dan is doing well in Iraq. He's pretty bored at this point.. you know there's not a whole lot going on when the highlight of his day was winning a game of Risk. Actually, he really likes that game, so maybe it would have been the highlight regardless. At any rate, it's very frustrating to be away from him knowing he's only had a handful of missions so far and it's been almost three months. BUT, at least the three months have gone by fairly quickly.
I'm still trying to finish putting everything away from unpacking. I hate unpacking. It's time consuming and I don't really enjoy figuring out where to put things so they look good. Apparently I'm not much of a nester. I like the end results, but I hate the process.
I figured this blog thing was a good idea.. it makes sense to have one spot people can go to for updates. Not that my life is that exciting. :)
I hate it when all you want is to go to sleep because you know you have a big day ahead of you and your body refuses to shut down. I'm going up to LA tomorrow to visit Deidre, and then going further north to visit Dan's friend, Jeff. I mean, he's my friend too, but he was Dan's friend first. You understand.
Dan is doing well in Iraq. He's pretty bored at this point.. you know there's not a whole lot going on when the highlight of his day was winning a game of Risk. Actually, he really likes that game, so maybe it would have been the highlight regardless. At any rate, it's very frustrating to be away from him knowing he's only had a handful of missions so far and it's been almost three months. BUT, at least the three months have gone by fairly quickly.
I'm still trying to finish putting everything away from unpacking. I hate unpacking. It's time consuming and I don't really enjoy figuring out where to put things so they look good. Apparently I'm not much of a nester. I like the end results, but I hate the process.
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