Obviously, I'm a big fan of song lyrics. While I love the music behind the lyrics as well, it's generally the words to a song that draw me in above all else. I'm sharing the following lyrics, "Underneath" by Alanis Morissette, because I haven't heard this true of a song in a long time. In my opinion, the message is extremely powerful, and it's a good reminder for us all. I believe that the home is both the greatest strength and the greatest weakness our world deals with today. I believe in family. And I believe that in order to impact the people around me.. in order to "change the world," I have to change myself first. We all do. It's funny how so many people are against the war, yet pick fights with their spouses on a daily basis.. how we can have such strong, broad opinions about each other, other people, other countries.. and yet 50% of marriages fail.. there are kids on the street because they didn't have parents who stepped up to the plate.. families are divided over petty issues that most likely won't even matter in the long run. And yet so many of us run around telling other people what should and should not be done or said.. not even realizing that everything that is wrong in this world starts with us. It starts with the home. Check the song out if you haven't heard it already.. it's a good one, for sure:
Look at us break our bonds in this kitchen
Look at us rallying all our defenses
Look at us waging war in our bedroom
Look at us jumping ship in our dialogue
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
Look at us form our cliques inside our sandbox
Look at us micro kids with both our hearts blocked
Look at us turn away from all the rough spots
Look at dictatorship on my own block
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
How I've spun my wheels with carts before my horse
When shine on the outside springs from the root
Spotlight on these seeds of simpler reasons
This core, born into form, starts in our living room
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms our there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
This is the story of a girl.
I. Am. Stressed. Dan comes home in two weeks for R&R, and I have a mile long "To Do" list to accomplish before he gets home. My schoolwork is overwhelming, and I have exactly 6 days off between now and Dan coming home (having a 15 month old hanging around your neck makes getting things done on work days next to impossible). Because I'm already stressed, I'm susceptible to snowballing anxiety that stems from knowing so little about what the future holds (thank you, Army).
However, tonight, as I ate dinner standing up, staring at the list I have to start tomorrow, I started thinking about how lame it can be to worry or be anxious because God seriously has it all under control. He never fails to show me that He's paying attention.. that He KNOWS my wants and needs and is acting accordingly, though I may not understand it all at the time. Yet I still struggle with giving complete control over to Christ. When I'm feeling this way, sometimes God will remind me of a major way He worked in my life in the past, though I didn't know it at the time. I felt like sharing my favorite example with all of you.. some of you have heard this story, but bear with me.
The first MAJOR fight I ever remember having with my dad occured when I was signing up for classes for my freshman year of high school. I had to pick a language. For some strange reason, I wanted to take to German (I'm sure at first it had something to do with that being the language Amanda was taking and at the time, we were connected at the hip). My father, on the other hand, was insisting on Spanish. His arguments made COMPLETE sense. We lived in San Diego, and with the border to Mexico being so close and so many immigrants living in this area, Spanish was the obvious choice. German, however, made absolutely ZERO sense. I had no desire to travel to Germany at any point, and I hate to fly. At the time, the odds of me EVER having to utter a single German word outside of high school were slim to none. Eventually, it being me, I'm sure the arguement started to turn into just hating to be told what to do. We fought for DAYS. I would stomp around the house all mad, and he would try to make stupid jokes to cheer me up and go along with the whole Spanish thing. Somewhere down the line, my mom convinced him it was my life and I needed to be able to choose my own classes. My dad eventually gave in, realizing that I wouldn't do well in Spanish if that wasn't what I wanted to be taking. I was victorious. I had gotten my way... nevermind the fact that secretly, I had no idea why I was even arguing my point when his made so much more sense.
I ended up taking 3 1/2 years of German, and by that last semester, I was miserable. I was starting to think maybe my dad had been right.. I was burned out on the language, and it wasn't very much fun to never get to use it. I assumed that within 5 years, I would have forgotten it all. I was wrong. Within three years of graduating high school, I was married to Dan. Six months later, we were sent to Germany. My dad and I laugh these days about that huge German/Spanish fight.. but in all seriousness, if I had not taken German in high school, I never would have survived the move. As it was, I was totally out of my comfort zone and had NO desire to be there.. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I also didn't understand any of the language. While I'm obviously far from fluent, I knew plenty to get by, and since Dan can speak German as well, we did all right. But this is what I'm talking about.. as a freshman, I had no idea that God was working and pushing me towards something that NEEDED to happen. It's weird to think that while I was crushing on some cute boy behind me and killing my CPR dummy in Health Class with Amanda, God was moving.. He knew who I would marry and what it would entail, and He loved me enough to make sure I wouldn't drown when He threw me into the deep part of the pool.
I actually feel better having shared this. It's a great reminder for me, and I hope it encourages you as well. God is paying attention. It's generally us that have lost focus.
However, tonight, as I ate dinner standing up, staring at the list I have to start tomorrow, I started thinking about how lame it can be to worry or be anxious because God seriously has it all under control. He never fails to show me that He's paying attention.. that He KNOWS my wants and needs and is acting accordingly, though I may not understand it all at the time. Yet I still struggle with giving complete control over to Christ. When I'm feeling this way, sometimes God will remind me of a major way He worked in my life in the past, though I didn't know it at the time. I felt like sharing my favorite example with all of you.. some of you have heard this story, but bear with me.
The first MAJOR fight I ever remember having with my dad occured when I was signing up for classes for my freshman year of high school. I had to pick a language. For some strange reason, I wanted to take to German (I'm sure at first it had something to do with that being the language Amanda was taking and at the time, we were connected at the hip). My father, on the other hand, was insisting on Spanish. His arguments made COMPLETE sense. We lived in San Diego, and with the border to Mexico being so close and so many immigrants living in this area, Spanish was the obvious choice. German, however, made absolutely ZERO sense. I had no desire to travel to Germany at any point, and I hate to fly. At the time, the odds of me EVER having to utter a single German word outside of high school were slim to none. Eventually, it being me, I'm sure the arguement started to turn into just hating to be told what to do. We fought for DAYS. I would stomp around the house all mad, and he would try to make stupid jokes to cheer me up and go along with the whole Spanish thing. Somewhere down the line, my mom convinced him it was my life and I needed to be able to choose my own classes. My dad eventually gave in, realizing that I wouldn't do well in Spanish if that wasn't what I wanted to be taking. I was victorious. I had gotten my way... nevermind the fact that secretly, I had no idea why I was even arguing my point when his made so much more sense.
I ended up taking 3 1/2 years of German, and by that last semester, I was miserable. I was starting to think maybe my dad had been right.. I was burned out on the language, and it wasn't very much fun to never get to use it. I assumed that within 5 years, I would have forgotten it all. I was wrong. Within three years of graduating high school, I was married to Dan. Six months later, we were sent to Germany. My dad and I laugh these days about that huge German/Spanish fight.. but in all seriousness, if I had not taken German in high school, I never would have survived the move. As it was, I was totally out of my comfort zone and had NO desire to be there.. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I also didn't understand any of the language. While I'm obviously far from fluent, I knew plenty to get by, and since Dan can speak German as well, we did all right. But this is what I'm talking about.. as a freshman, I had no idea that God was working and pushing me towards something that NEEDED to happen. It's weird to think that while I was crushing on some cute boy behind me and killing my CPR dummy in Health Class with Amanda, God was moving.. He knew who I would marry and what it would entail, and He loved me enough to make sure I wouldn't drown when He threw me into the deep part of the pool.
I actually feel better having shared this. It's a great reminder for me, and I hope it encourages you as well. God is paying attention. It's generally us that have lost focus.
The idea of strength..
Being an Army wife, especially an Army wife with a husband deployed for 15 months, I get asked a lot of questions. Sometimes the questions get old.. while I appreciate how much everyone cares, it can be frustrating to answer the same questions over and over again: "How are you handling things?" or "How much longer does he have over there?" or "How do you do it?" When I answer, most people don't really know what to say other than things like "Wow, that really sucks" or "I couldn't do that!" The thing is, I really didn't think I could do it either. My dad was in the Navy when I was little, and I vaguely remember him going away for months at a time and how miserable my mom and I were without him. Even after he got out and started working for the government, he traveled way more than any of us would have liked. At some point, I made the decision that I would NEVER date or marry a man in the military. It all just seemed too hard. God obviously had other plans, and everything about Dan was so amazing that it managed to override the fact that he was about to join the Army. And here's the thing about the human spirit: you DON'T know how much you're able to handle until you're actually going through it. I can't even count the amount of trials I have had in my life that I never thought I would get through. I do what I have to do, just like everyone else who goes through times when life seems overwhelming and they can't take anymore.
So here I am.. 23 years old.. married for 3 years to a Warrant Officer helicopter pilot in the Army (Did I mention I hate to fly? I'm pretty sure God is up in heaven laughing at me for thinking I had things figured out.. I married a PILOT and I hate to fly.. very funny). When people hear that Dan is gone for such a long period of time, I end up being called things like "incredibly strong" and people constantly talk about how they couldn't do it. This idea always sort of bothered me.. after all, most days I don't feel exceptionally strong. I think people would be surprised how many days I have to tell myself "Just get through the next hour" or "Just get through this weekend." It's not just taking things one day at a time, it's often taking things one moment at a time. To my complete surprise, Dan had noticed that whenever he asks how I'm doing, I say "ok" rather than "good" or "very well" like 90% of the time. I answer "ok" because most full days really aren't "good" without Dan. Sure, I have "good" or even "great" moments during the day, but over all, there's like a cloud hanging over me that only Dan can chase away. Don't get me wrong.. I'm a happy and relatively content person. But Dan is my husband, and therefore there are places in my heart that only he can get to.
Here's the thing.. everyone always tells me how strong I am for handling things alone while Dan is gone.. for being able to marry a man who will be gone a lot. But here's the thing that most people don't know: Dan is so much stronger than I am. Seriously. I am fully aware of my issues, but most of you have no idea what it's like to really be with me. I have abandonment issues, divorce issues, and sexual issues from being molested. When I get scared something might go wrong in my life, I completely shut down emotionally.. I put up walls and push people away. I also push people's buttons.. I feel the need to push simply because I expect people to leave.. and I figure it's better now than when I'm even more attatched. I have eating issues, and next to zero self esteem. I have night terrors that cause a whole lot of thrashing and yelling, and sometimes I get so agitated that Dan has to get up and turn on the light to show me nothing is really there. Letting new people into my private circle is next to impossible. I don't play well with others.. I get overwhelmed in large groups of people, especially when I don't know them. They could be the nicest people on the planet, and I would still sit quietly, interacting as little as possible for fear I might say something incredibly stupid... which somehow comes across as being stuck up. The list goes on and on. Would you really want to date me knowing all of this? I know how I come off.. naive, sheltered, innocent. Most of the time, I can't cope with the idea of people seeing behind that mask. Not only did Dan see behind it and keep me around anyway, he also married me. He's incredibly patient.. he gives me space and time to work things out in my head when I need to, but also constantly reminds me that his arms are open when I'm ready to fall apart. I've never met anyone like him. Despite all my issues, I actually feel rather comfortable in my own skin for the first time because he makes me feel worthy.. that's a powerful feeling. My strength is nothing compared to Dan's.. he knew who I really am and loved me anyway. THAT, my friends, is true strength.
"God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave."
So here I am.. 23 years old.. married for 3 years to a Warrant Officer helicopter pilot in the Army (Did I mention I hate to fly? I'm pretty sure God is up in heaven laughing at me for thinking I had things figured out.. I married a PILOT and I hate to fly.. very funny). When people hear that Dan is gone for such a long period of time, I end up being called things like "incredibly strong" and people constantly talk about how they couldn't do it. This idea always sort of bothered me.. after all, most days I don't feel exceptionally strong. I think people would be surprised how many days I have to tell myself "Just get through the next hour" or "Just get through this weekend." It's not just taking things one day at a time, it's often taking things one moment at a time. To my complete surprise, Dan had noticed that whenever he asks how I'm doing, I say "ok" rather than "good" or "very well" like 90% of the time. I answer "ok" because most full days really aren't "good" without Dan. Sure, I have "good" or even "great" moments during the day, but over all, there's like a cloud hanging over me that only Dan can chase away. Don't get me wrong.. I'm a happy and relatively content person. But Dan is my husband, and therefore there are places in my heart that only he can get to.
Here's the thing.. everyone always tells me how strong I am for handling things alone while Dan is gone.. for being able to marry a man who will be gone a lot. But here's the thing that most people don't know: Dan is so much stronger than I am. Seriously. I am fully aware of my issues, but most of you have no idea what it's like to really be with me. I have abandonment issues, divorce issues, and sexual issues from being molested. When I get scared something might go wrong in my life, I completely shut down emotionally.. I put up walls and push people away. I also push people's buttons.. I feel the need to push simply because I expect people to leave.. and I figure it's better now than when I'm even more attatched. I have eating issues, and next to zero self esteem. I have night terrors that cause a whole lot of thrashing and yelling, and sometimes I get so agitated that Dan has to get up and turn on the light to show me nothing is really there. Letting new people into my private circle is next to impossible. I don't play well with others.. I get overwhelmed in large groups of people, especially when I don't know them. They could be the nicest people on the planet, and I would still sit quietly, interacting as little as possible for fear I might say something incredibly stupid... which somehow comes across as being stuck up. The list goes on and on. Would you really want to date me knowing all of this? I know how I come off.. naive, sheltered, innocent. Most of the time, I can't cope with the idea of people seeing behind that mask. Not only did Dan see behind it and keep me around anyway, he also married me. He's incredibly patient.. he gives me space and time to work things out in my head when I need to, but also constantly reminds me that his arms are open when I'm ready to fall apart. I've never met anyone like him. Despite all my issues, I actually feel rather comfortable in my own skin for the first time because he makes me feel worthy.. that's a powerful feeling. My strength is nothing compared to Dan's.. he knew who I really am and loved me anyway. THAT, my friends, is true strength.
"God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave."
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