1) Stepping out of the car at Wal-Mart and totally eating it.. then not being able to get back up because it was so freaking slippery. I landed on my hip, but somehow both my knees bruised as well. The jolt of hitting the ground so hard is making me feel like I worked out too hard. My arms and abs are still killing me.
2) Hearing "Reveille" play every single day on post. I am pretty sure we somehow ended up back in the Civil War.
3) Listening to the librarian give a long, detailed story on how she bought a candy bar for $1.00 and didn't realize she handed the girl selling them a $10.00 bill. Apparently, she had to go back and look for a lost glove, so the girl was able to give her back change. She seriously acted like she had given the girl $100 bill. The other librarians all gasped at this story as if it were a life and death situation instead of nine dollars.
4) The "rebel" teenager who walked into Taco Bell. His outfit made him look like a pirate (black bandanna and a hoop earring). His t-shirt had the words "The Man" with an arrow pointing up to his head. And below that? The words "The Legend" with an arrow pointing down. I actually snorted soda up my nose. I really wanted to go up to him and demand proof of this "legend."
5) Hearing that the volcano in Anchorage erupted five times. That isn't entirely funny, but I know they took it off of watch like two weeks ago and it then exploded this past Sunday. It's so comforting to know our natural disaster technology is so accurate. Pbbbt.
6) Listening to two guys discuss the electronic store "Fry's." You would think they were talking about the Fountain of Youth or something.. THAT'S how excited they were. And they've never actually been to one. There isn't even one IN Alaska.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
bad day. i'm feeling pretty lost.
i am the only one to blame for this
somehow it all ends up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high
and like Icarus, i collide
with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love
to give and die
to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce
the skin of One who loves
more deeply than the oceans
more abundant than the tears
of a worls embracing every heartache
can i be the one to sacrifice?
or grip the spear and
watch the blood and water flow?
to love You
take my world apart
to need You
i am on my knees
to love You
take my world apart
to need You
broken on my knees
all said and done, i stand alone
amongst remains of a life i should not own
it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
did You really have to die for me?
all i am, for all You are
because what i need and what i believe
are world's apart
i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
more and more i need You now
i owe You more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago
so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it Yours
take my world apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that i despise
speak the words i can't deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
i pray, i pray, i pray
take my world apart
-jars of clay
somehow it all ends up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high
and like Icarus, i collide
with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love
to give and die
to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce
the skin of One who loves
more deeply than the oceans
more abundant than the tears
of a worls embracing every heartache
can i be the one to sacrifice?
or grip the spear and
watch the blood and water flow?
to love You
take my world apart
to need You
i am on my knees
to love You
take my world apart
to need You
broken on my knees
all said and done, i stand alone
amongst remains of a life i should not own
it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
did You really have to die for me?
all i am, for all You are
because what i need and what i believe
are world's apart
i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
more and more i need You now
i owe You more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago
so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it Yours
take my world apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that i despise
speak the words i can't deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
i pray, i pray, i pray
take my world apart
-jars of clay
Saturday, March 21, 2009
SO excited!
Twilight came out today! Hooray! Lucky for me, I was able to already pick up the 2-disc version. That alone makes it a good day. :) Dan thinks I'm ridiculous for being so into it.. it's just that the type of love shown in Twilight series is pretty much what every person hopes to have in a long-term relationship. Dan and I have very different views on love, so I don't think he totally gets it. I love on a whole other level.. which can sometimes be a bad thing because the people I love have the power to basically destroy me emotionally. I've learned a LOT about love over the last several months.. what it truely means to be loved unconditionally for who you are, not who everyone else thinks you should be; to love someone so much, the deep dark secrets cease to matter. I know I'm seeing the movie through different eyes, and I'm both excited and saddened by that. I guess I really am some crazy romantic at heart..
Friday, March 20, 2009
Wind Me Up and Watch Me Go
Over the past couple of months.. and maybe even longer than that if I'm being totally honest with myself.. I have come to realize that I have whole lot of anger inside me. Up until now, I have been able to hide it. I have always been terrified of my temper. I do NOT want to turn into the type of person who flies off the handle and attacks others. My dad was the firs to point it out to me when Dan was home in February and we attempted to solve some of our marital and communication issues. I think even my dad would be surprised at how furious I have become with the world.. or maybe my life, depending on the way you look at it. I came by the book "Angry Conversations with God" as a total fluke. I was looking for "The Excellent Wife," but apparently God had other plans for me.
Here is the thing: I have been a Christian my whole life. I have never doubted God's presence in my life. I love Him, and I love Jesus. My love has never faltered. That being said, I'm also upset with Him. I have finally realized that it is ok to get angry with God sometimes. After all, we tend to get the most angry with the people we love the most because they actually have a place in our hearts. A BIG place. Reading this book, I felt like I could have written it myself.
I do not WANT to be mad at God, and I certainly did not want to let others know that I was experiencing these negative feelings. I am supposed to be the strong one. Most people do not see that the calm exterior does not match my turbulent heart. I struggle with the things that have gone down in my life.. why things continually have to be hard for me no matter how much I plead with God to take some of it away. It terrifies me that God puts you through trials to prepare you for something bigger. I do not WANT anything bigger. I also know that the Bible says God will never give you more than you can handle, but I hate that the things piled onto my life cause me to consistently feel on the verge of destruction. I just want to feel better and stop all the tears.
Lucky for me, my faith is strong enough to keep me invested in my relationship with Christ. I do not feel the need to rebel against Him. I do not feel like I need to run from my Christian walk. I have been praying like a freaking maniac, and spend vast amounts of time listening for God's voice. In my darkest hours, I worry that I have done something wrong.. like maybe if I lived a better life somehow, things would improve. Blah.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I've been here one week.
You know the saying: "There's a fine line between love and hate?" I believe that. Both are such crazy strong emotions that it would make sense people struggle with exactly what they're feeling.. especially when it's a person they KNOW they love or loved at some point. At any rate, I've recently realized something similar along those same lines: there is a very fine line between too soon and too late. Why do I feel like they are one in the same?
From "Handle With Care":
"You are the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me, and the most painful... I love you, and I always will. Maybe more than I should... I thought that if I loved you hard enough, I could move mountains for you; I could make you fly. It didn't matter to me how that happened - just as long as it did. I wasn't thinking of who I might hurt, only who I could rescue... When it comes to memories, the good and the bad never balance" (273).
"'How can I miss him more when he's two feet away from me than when he's not around?'" (302).
"'A dutiful mother is someone who follows every step her child makes.' I said.
'And a good mother?'
I lifted my gaze to hers. 'Is someone whose child wants to follow HER'" (262).
"The more my hands moved, the less likely I was to let my mind wander... I'd left the pillows and bedding out, a just-in-case, as close as I could come to an apology. He came to the house every now and then to pick stuff up, but when he did, I felt like I was intruding. I would balance my checkbook, I would clean the bathroom, while listening to the two of you laugh in the other room... Sometimes I missed him viscerally. Sometimes I was angry at him. Sometimes I just wanted to turn back time... But mostly I wondered why the head could move so quickly while the heart dragged its feet. Even when I felt sure of myself and confident that I would be fine on my own, I still loved him. It felt like anything else permanent that has gone missing: a lost tooth, a severed leg. You might know better, but that doesn't keep your tongue from poking at the hole in your gum, or your phantom limb from aching" (268-269).
"This was worse than being judged by a jury of my peers. This was being judged by a jury of YOUR peers. I was, pure and simple, a failure... I cried until my eyes had swollen and my cheeks hurt. I cried until there was nothing left inside me" (271/272).
"Somewhere, in the deep creases of my mind - the folds where hope gets caught - I believed that whatever was wrong between you and me was reparable. It had to be, because when you love someone, you don't just suddenly lose that bond. Like any other energy, it can't be destroyed, just channeled into something else" (272).
From "Handle With Care":
"You are the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me, and the most painful... I love you, and I always will. Maybe more than I should... I thought that if I loved you hard enough, I could move mountains for you; I could make you fly. It didn't matter to me how that happened - just as long as it did. I wasn't thinking of who I might hurt, only who I could rescue... When it comes to memories, the good and the bad never balance" (273).
"'How can I miss him more when he's two feet away from me than when he's not around?'" (302).
"'A dutiful mother is someone who follows every step her child makes.' I said.
'And a good mother?'
I lifted my gaze to hers. 'Is someone whose child wants to follow HER'" (262).
"The more my hands moved, the less likely I was to let my mind wander... I'd left the pillows and bedding out, a just-in-case, as close as I could come to an apology. He came to the house every now and then to pick stuff up, but when he did, I felt like I was intruding. I would balance my checkbook, I would clean the bathroom, while listening to the two of you laugh in the other room... Sometimes I missed him viscerally. Sometimes I was angry at him. Sometimes I just wanted to turn back time... But mostly I wondered why the head could move so quickly while the heart dragged its feet. Even when I felt sure of myself and confident that I would be fine on my own, I still loved him. It felt like anything else permanent that has gone missing: a lost tooth, a severed leg. You might know better, but that doesn't keep your tongue from poking at the hole in your gum, or your phantom limb from aching" (268-269).
"This was worse than being judged by a jury of my peers. This was being judged by a jury of YOUR peers. I was, pure and simple, a failure... I cried until my eyes had swollen and my cheeks hurt. I cried until there was nothing left inside me" (271/272).
"Somewhere, in the deep creases of my mind - the folds where hope gets caught - I believed that whatever was wrong between you and me was reparable. It had to be, because when you love someone, you don't just suddenly lose that bond. Like any other energy, it can't be destroyed, just channeled into something else" (272).
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
How did we get here?
Ever feel like you aren't ever going to get past something? For example, some people say you never truely get over your first love. Now, for me, that isn't the case at all. It's so much bigger and deeper than I could ever put into words. I WANT to move on. I WANT to let all of this go. It's not working, and I feel exhausted.
Today.. sucked, I'm not going to lie. Ha ha. I've been out of heart medication for four days or so. This isn't anything new and different. I can be really bad about medication. I think it has something to do with rebellion, and something to do with pretending I'm just as healthy as everyone else. However, my body seems to defy me every chance it gets. By last night, I had the shakes so badly that when I tried underlining stuff in my book, it came out more like a squiggle. Game over. Time for the doctor. This is the part where I HATE the military. I called to get an appointment at the Family Practice Clinic, but since I'm still on Tricare West (I won't switch to Tricare Alaska until I actually move here), I couldn't be seen there. The connected me to a nurse, and after explaining everything all over again, she said I had to go to the ER. This really bothers me because I feel lame walking into the emergency room when so many people need it more than I do. On the other hand, I'm acutely aware that by the end of the week without the medication, my heart could fail completely (being at risk for a heart attack at 24 seriously sucks). We called the ER and checked the wait time, and since it was slow, we headed over there. The receptionist THOUGHT she knew what she was doing by calling the pharmacy and getting clearance just to go over there for a refill.. even though I told her like THREE FREAKING TIMES that I didn't have any refills left on the bottle. She kept insisting that was fine; that the pharmacy would fill it any way. Dude, I've been dealing with this terrible system for four years now. It's sad, but I TOTALLY knew more than she did, but she wouldn't listen. So we went back to the hotel, picked up the empty bottle, and went to the pharmacy.. where we were told there was nothing they could do since the pill bottle lacked refills. They told us I had to be seen at the emergency room. Well, no shit, Sherlock. We went BACK to the ER, and by this time, I was fuming. The problem with NOT having the heart medication is that my blood pressure spikes to dangerous levels, and I can't differenciate between actual angry feelings and simple high blood pressure. I get crazy anxiety, and I shake unconrtolably. I made sure to point out when we returned to the ER that SHE had made the mistake with the whole refill thing. I get so tired of people not listening to a word I say.. like they know my body better than I do. I know the routine in this case.. we go to the ER, I'm seen by a doctor, and he fills the prescription. Sounds easy, yes? Nope. First, I had to hear from some stupid doctor that I'm WAY too young to have hypertension, and actually kept making comments about how he wished I wouldn't refill the medication. This infuriated me even more. He doesn't know my background.. he doesn't know that I've struggled with an eating disorder for about a decade on and off.. that when the body is starving, it eats muscle.. the heart is a muscle. My body chose to eat that.. it can't be repaired, just maintained. He actually made me feel GUILTY for taking a medication that I would literally die without. Stupid man. We ended up having to wait for like three hours to be seen.. and by then, my anxiety was through the roof. I've spent WAY too much time in the ER to feel comfortable there. I was seriously ready to kill someone by the time we got out of there. Dan took it in stride, though. He's pretty brave for putting up with me. I feel better now that my heart isn't racing and I've stopped shaking. Sigh.
"Twilight" comes out on DVD soon! I'm ridiculously excited. Since I'm in Alaska, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get it the day it comes out. I'm stoked. The only problem is that the movie makes me think about things that I would prefer not to deal with. The idea that there are SO many different types of love.. that sometimes a person can love you to the best of his or her ability, but that may not be enough. The connections in the movie and the books are INTENSE.. and things have changed since I first read the series and saw the movie. I used to be able to see so much of my own feelings in it (minus the vampire thing.. ha ha). And while I still feel that way, I feel like the characters I once related others to has shifted uncomfortably. The big idea is this: it all comes down to who you can't live without. But what do you do when you aren't sure who that person is anymore?
Decoded - Paramore (from the Twilight soundtrack)
How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight
All the time
Nor could I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No, not this time, not this time
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know
The truth is hiding in your eyes
And hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think I can't see
What kind of man you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I'll figure this one out
On my own
I'm screaming I love you so
(On my own)
But my thoughts you can't decode
Do you see what we've done?
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
I think I know, I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me
I want it to be true
Today.. sucked, I'm not going to lie. Ha ha. I've been out of heart medication for four days or so. This isn't anything new and different. I can be really bad about medication. I think it has something to do with rebellion, and something to do with pretending I'm just as healthy as everyone else. However, my body seems to defy me every chance it gets. By last night, I had the shakes so badly that when I tried underlining stuff in my book, it came out more like a squiggle. Game over. Time for the doctor. This is the part where I HATE the military. I called to get an appointment at the Family Practice Clinic, but since I'm still on Tricare West (I won't switch to Tricare Alaska until I actually move here), I couldn't be seen there. The connected me to a nurse, and after explaining everything all over again, she said I had to go to the ER. This really bothers me because I feel lame walking into the emergency room when so many people need it more than I do. On the other hand, I'm acutely aware that by the end of the week without the medication, my heart could fail completely (being at risk for a heart attack at 24 seriously sucks). We called the ER and checked the wait time, and since it was slow, we headed over there. The receptionist THOUGHT she knew what she was doing by calling the pharmacy and getting clearance just to go over there for a refill.. even though I told her like THREE FREAKING TIMES that I didn't have any refills left on the bottle. She kept insisting that was fine; that the pharmacy would fill it any way. Dude, I've been dealing with this terrible system for four years now. It's sad, but I TOTALLY knew more than she did, but she wouldn't listen. So we went back to the hotel, picked up the empty bottle, and went to the pharmacy.. where we were told there was nothing they could do since the pill bottle lacked refills. They told us I had to be seen at the emergency room. Well, no shit, Sherlock. We went BACK to the ER, and by this time, I was fuming. The problem with NOT having the heart medication is that my blood pressure spikes to dangerous levels, and I can't differenciate between actual angry feelings and simple high blood pressure. I get crazy anxiety, and I shake unconrtolably. I made sure to point out when we returned to the ER that SHE had made the mistake with the whole refill thing. I get so tired of people not listening to a word I say.. like they know my body better than I do. I know the routine in this case.. we go to the ER, I'm seen by a doctor, and he fills the prescription. Sounds easy, yes? Nope. First, I had to hear from some stupid doctor that I'm WAY too young to have hypertension, and actually kept making comments about how he wished I wouldn't refill the medication. This infuriated me even more. He doesn't know my background.. he doesn't know that I've struggled with an eating disorder for about a decade on and off.. that when the body is starving, it eats muscle.. the heart is a muscle. My body chose to eat that.. it can't be repaired, just maintained. He actually made me feel GUILTY for taking a medication that I would literally die without. Stupid man. We ended up having to wait for like three hours to be seen.. and by then, my anxiety was through the roof. I've spent WAY too much time in the ER to feel comfortable there. I was seriously ready to kill someone by the time we got out of there. Dan took it in stride, though. He's pretty brave for putting up with me. I feel better now that my heart isn't racing and I've stopped shaking. Sigh.
"Twilight" comes out on DVD soon! I'm ridiculously excited. Since I'm in Alaska, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get it the day it comes out. I'm stoked. The only problem is that the movie makes me think about things that I would prefer not to deal with. The idea that there are SO many different types of love.. that sometimes a person can love you to the best of his or her ability, but that may not be enough. The connections in the movie and the books are INTENSE.. and things have changed since I first read the series and saw the movie. I used to be able to see so much of my own feelings in it (minus the vampire thing.. ha ha). And while I still feel that way, I feel like the characters I once related others to has shifted uncomfortably. The big idea is this: it all comes down to who you can't live without. But what do you do when you aren't sure who that person is anymore?
Decoded - Paramore (from the Twilight soundtrack)
How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight
All the time
Nor could I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No, not this time, not this time
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know
The truth is hiding in your eyes
And hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think I can't see
What kind of man you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I'll figure this one out
On my own
I'm screaming I love you so
(On my own)
But my thoughts you can't decode
Do you see what we've done?
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
I think I know, I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me
I want it to be true
Ice Sculptures
I've been having a lot of fat days. Having to put on so many layers doesn't help this feeling (yes, Dan, I know.. "Fat isn't a feeling"). I feel like a snow beast every time I go outside. Logically, I know I haven't gained weight.. all my clothes fit the same. Still, the mirror seems rather cruel these days.
Happy St. Patrick's Day! There will be no green beer drinking for Amber. When you're as Irish as I am, you're exempt from all the stupid American St. Patrick's Day traditions. Ha ha. I briefly considered digging out my "Kiss me, I'm Irish!" pin, but decided Dan probably wouldn't appreciate that. :) Not to mention the fact that I get totally weirded out by strange men invading my bubble.
Happy St. Patrick's Day! There will be no green beer drinking for Amber. When you're as Irish as I am, you're exempt from all the stupid American St. Patrick's Day traditions. Ha ha. I briefly considered digging out my "Kiss me, I'm Irish!" pin, but decided Dan probably wouldn't appreciate that. :) Not to mention the fact that I get totally weirded out by strange men invading my bubble.
Monday, March 16, 2009
The pieces of my heart are missing you.
If you think that the difference between -10 and -15 degrees isn't THAT much of a change, think again. Dan and I had really great date night last night, but neither of us were fully prepared for the onslaught of the -15 temperature and the -35 wind chill factor. We ate dinner at this place called Ivory Jacks. I picked it out of the phone book because they sold seafood, and I was dying for a healthy dinner. While prices of food wasn't shown on the menu in the phonebook, they served things like escargot, so I figured it was a nice place. Um, not so much. The building of the restaurant is connected to its private liquor store, and I almost fell over when we actually stepped inside. It was.. very relaxed to put it mildly. None of the tables matched, and they were more like card tables than actual dining tables. The chairs didn't match either, but all of them were fold out card table chairs. When we sat down (which you do yourself like in Germany), the paper placemat definitely was about a walrus penis. I didn't even know WHAT to say about that. Dan was amused. The food was definitely expensive (yes, we ordered the escargot to start), but maybe the point was to serve good food without needing to dress up. At any rate, we went to the ice sculpting park right afterwards (I'll post pictures tomorrow), and it was amazing. Since it was dark by the time we got there, we got to see them all lit up. To get into the park, you actually walk through an ice castle. It was pretty rad.. although we were so freaking cold, we couldn't stop and appreciate each piece separately. We surveyed on the go, and only took pictures of the ones we liked the best. By the time we got back to the car, I couldn't feel my legs or feet. I'm not joking.. I was THAT cold. It was actually incredibly painful to thaw once we got the heat turned up and started getting warm. Dan's eyelashes had actually turned to ice. We learned our lesson though. It was all worth it in the end
Since I've been here, I've found myself in a weird place spiritually and emotionally. I feel like Satan is using every possible method to drag me down. I've been beating my body, mind, and heart into spiritual submission and discipline. While I know I'm doing what God has called me to do by being here with Dan, the blows just keep coming. Don't get me wrong.. I know God has the much bigger picture in mind, so there's a reason things have to be hard right now. But I could really use a break. The night before I left, I went to get Golden Spoon with my parents. They have been so encouraging through this whole process, so it was good to hang out with them. Here's the thing.. I have this "mixed tape" a friend of mine gave me, and there are specific songs that make me bawl and feel totally conflicted. One of the songs on there is a song I had never even HEARD before, but fell in love with. At Golden Spoon, they put on music since things had started to wind down.. and that song was the first one to play. I was like "Seriously? Now?" BUT, I figured it was just a lame fluke and tried to get my mind back on track. The next day, I got on the plane, and they turned on music while people finished finding their seats and boarding. The first song to play? THAT SONG. At that point, I was like, "Dude, what is going ON right now?!" THEN, just to REALLY drive a stake through my heart, when I was on the flight from Anchorage to Fairbanks (and it was a totally different airline, mind you) and it was time to deplane, they played music. The last song to play was THAT SONG. I almost punched the window. I was tempted to bang my head against the upright tray table, but I figured that would make me look like a crazy person. I refrained. Today, I spoke with my brother Max who is watching my pets, and he tells me that in the freaking FOUR DAYS I've been gone, Nandi has already bitten two people. We've been lucky so far.. she's never broken skin.. but it only takes one time. I feel SO guilty for having to leave her for a few weeks. She has terrible separation anxiety, and it's gotten steadily worse since Anna, Ryan, and Dan have all left. It's really heartbreaking to me.. she's my baby, and we're pretty much connected at the hip.. er.. hip to head. Whatever. You understand. I miss her terribly, and I miss my brother and family and friends. I guess I'm missing routine and normalcy. I'm not sad ALL the time.. Dan and I laugh a lot and are getting to spend a lot of time together. But I can't shake this homesickness in the shadow of my heart.. the part that has nothing to do with missing a place, but missing people who are home to you. Sometimes I can't tell if the cold is coming from the outside, or actually emanating from inside me.
Oh, and it was only -2 today. It's heat wave, obviously. Of course, I'm adding lyrics to this post. It's therapeutic for me. It's an oldie but a goodie. :)
"I thought I heard your voice yesterday
When I turned around to say that I love you
Then I realized it was just my mind
Playing tricks on me
It seems colder lately at night
And I try to sleep with the lights on
Every time the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
I just can't believe that we're through
I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me
Is it done and over this time?
Have we really changed our minds?
But it's other's love
All the feeling that we used to share
I refuse to believe that you don't care
I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me
I've got to gather my senses to get there
I've been through worse kinds of weather
If it's over now, be strong
Can't believe that you're gone
Can't carry this over...
You're a part of me now
Since I've been here, I've found myself in a weird place spiritually and emotionally. I feel like Satan is using every possible method to drag me down. I've been beating my body, mind, and heart into spiritual submission and discipline. While I know I'm doing what God has called me to do by being here with Dan, the blows just keep coming. Don't get me wrong.. I know God has the much bigger picture in mind, so there's a reason things have to be hard right now. But I could really use a break. The night before I left, I went to get Golden Spoon with my parents. They have been so encouraging through this whole process, so it was good to hang out with them. Here's the thing.. I have this "mixed tape" a friend of mine gave me, and there are specific songs that make me bawl and feel totally conflicted. One of the songs on there is a song I had never even HEARD before, but fell in love with. At Golden Spoon, they put on music since things had started to wind down.. and that song was the first one to play. I was like "Seriously? Now?" BUT, I figured it was just a lame fluke and tried to get my mind back on track. The next day, I got on the plane, and they turned on music while people finished finding their seats and boarding. The first song to play? THAT SONG. At that point, I was like, "Dude, what is going ON right now?!" THEN, just to REALLY drive a stake through my heart, when I was on the flight from Anchorage to Fairbanks (and it was a totally different airline, mind you) and it was time to deplane, they played music. The last song to play was THAT SONG. I almost punched the window. I was tempted to bang my head against the upright tray table, but I figured that would make me look like a crazy person. I refrained. Today, I spoke with my brother Max who is watching my pets, and he tells me that in the freaking FOUR DAYS I've been gone, Nandi has already bitten two people. We've been lucky so far.. she's never broken skin.. but it only takes one time. I feel SO guilty for having to leave her for a few weeks. She has terrible separation anxiety, and it's gotten steadily worse since Anna, Ryan, and Dan have all left. It's really heartbreaking to me.. she's my baby, and we're pretty much connected at the hip.. er.. hip to head. Whatever. You understand. I miss her terribly, and I miss my brother and family and friends. I guess I'm missing routine and normalcy. I'm not sad ALL the time.. Dan and I laugh a lot and are getting to spend a lot of time together. But I can't shake this homesickness in the shadow of my heart.. the part that has nothing to do with missing a place, but missing people who are home to you. Sometimes I can't tell if the cold is coming from the outside, or actually emanating from inside me.
Oh, and it was only -2 today. It's heat wave, obviously. Of course, I'm adding lyrics to this post. It's therapeutic for me. It's an oldie but a goodie. :)
"I thought I heard your voice yesterday
When I turned around to say that I love you
Then I realized it was just my mind
Playing tricks on me
It seems colder lately at night
And I try to sleep with the lights on
Every time the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
I just can't believe that we're through
I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me
Is it done and over this time?
Have we really changed our minds?
But it's other's love
All the feeling that we used to share
I refuse to believe that you don't care
I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me
I've got to gather my senses to get there
I've been through worse kinds of weather
If it's over now, be strong
Can't believe that you're gone
Can't carry this over...
You're a part of me now
Sunday, March 15, 2009
-10 Degrees and Counting
My stupid sinuses are not adjusting to this cold weather very well. They started bleeding on Friday, and have steadily become more and more painful. This morning in the shower, I got my first ACTUAL nosebleed (not just the small amounts coming out now and then) and had no idea how much blood ends up going down the back of your throat. It made me crazy nauseous. Apparently, this is normal, and should pass once I get used to the cold.
Dan and I were both starting to have cabin fever from me being stuck inside trying to give my sinuses a break. I'm also used to walking Nandi at least 2 miles every day and going to the gym at least twice a week. I was dying for excercise. I suggested we walk over to the PX (for those not associated with the military, the PX is like a super tiny Target) since it's right across the street. I bundled up: undershirt, sweater, light jacket, snow jacket with hood, mittens, hat, socks, and boots. We stepped outside.. and I couldn't even BREATHE it was so cold. Like, it HURTS to breathe in air like that whether through your nose or through your mouth.. sort of like when you've spent too much time in the pool holding your breath and afterwards your chest and lungs hurt. We did indeed make it across the street, but I probably just killed my sinuses again. The pain in my nose and under my eyes is pretty hard core at the moment.
I think we're going to see the ice sculpture festival tonight.. assuming I don't die in the process. Ha ha. I'll post pictures if we go.. it's going to be crazy awesome. Oh, and P.S. I've seriously slipped every single time I've gone outside.. sometimes more than once. I can't even let go of Dan because he's the only thing keeping me from totally eating it. Pbbbt.
Dan and I were both starting to have cabin fever from me being stuck inside trying to give my sinuses a break. I'm also used to walking Nandi at least 2 miles every day and going to the gym at least twice a week. I was dying for excercise. I suggested we walk over to the PX (for those not associated with the military, the PX is like a super tiny Target) since it's right across the street. I bundled up: undershirt, sweater, light jacket, snow jacket with hood, mittens, hat, socks, and boots. We stepped outside.. and I couldn't even BREATHE it was so cold. Like, it HURTS to breathe in air like that whether through your nose or through your mouth.. sort of like when you've spent too much time in the pool holding your breath and afterwards your chest and lungs hurt. We did indeed make it across the street, but I probably just killed my sinuses again. The pain in my nose and under my eyes is pretty hard core at the moment.
I think we're going to see the ice sculpture festival tonight.. assuming I don't die in the process. Ha ha. I'll post pictures if we go.. it's going to be crazy awesome. Oh, and P.S. I've seriously slipped every single time I've gone outside.. sometimes more than once. I can't even let go of Dan because he's the only thing keeping me from totally eating it. Pbbbt.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I love Alaska, but am still homesick.
I made it to Alaska! It is absolutely surreal to be in this state. When I got in last night, it was 22 degrees. This morning when we got up, it was 2. TWO! What's funny is that I always used to say things like "It's like 2 degrees out here! I'm freezing!" Um... I definitely had no idea what 2 degrees feels like. Ha ha. How quickly I've learned.
My flights were semi uneventful. On the one from San Diego to Seattle, I had an entire row to myself. Normally when that happens, I'm actually able to sleep.. especially since I've BARELY been sleeping at all lately, and the night before I left I only managed to grab an hour. But I was so overwhelmed by everything that I ended up staring at the ceiling with my head phones on. Seattle was AMAZING to fly over. I actually teared up because the view was THAT overwhelming.. like, it just screamed how beautiful our Creator really is, and how much pleasure He took in creating this world for us. From up there, for like I full five minutes, I couldn't think about anything else but Christ. I can't tell you how rare it is for me to not even be able to form words to express my feelings.
Seattle to Anchorage was a crazy full flight, and the longest of the three. It also took off way late because apparently the sink in the lavatory wasn't working and it took them like 30 minutes to finish the paperwork. At first, the pilot just said that the plane had a "small malfunction." DUDE! SPECIFY! The last thing I want to hear is "slight malfunction" when I'm on a plane. The guys next to me were super nice though. I'm pretty sure I bruised the guy closest to me like 10 different times. The lady in front of me kept her seat entirely reclined for the ENTIRE trip, leaving me VERY little room to maneuver. I dropped my Ipod at one point and could not even reach it due to lack of space. Every time I had to switch positions, it was this long, drawn out event. Luckily, the guy I kept elbowing and kneeing and smacking was really nice about it. Still, having a stranger, especially a GUY stranger, that close to me makes me nervous and flustered. But my bubble only had so much room to complain. Anyway, as we approached Anchorage, I was once again taken aback by the landscape from the sky. This time, however, it was speaking to me about how untamed our God really is. I'm not gonna lie.. God has a bad-ass side. :) He's wild and dangerous despite His sovereignty. It was good to be reminded of that, and it made me smile. However, I was really confused because there seriously was NOTHING out there! Like, we were coming up on the airport, but it was in front of us, so I couldn't see it. When you fly into San Diego, you literally go in between skyscrapers to land. I was SO confused by this terrain.. there was NOTHING except snow and icy water for as far as I can see. In an almost panic, I turned to the guy next to me and blurted out, "WHERE are all the buildings?!" He laughed and said you couldn't see them until the very end.. and he was right. I pointed them out in a sigh of relief, and the guy laughed at me again and said from his seat, he still couldn't see them. This time I laughed and was like, "That's because it's so small!" I'm so funny (not really)!
Our plane was so late by the time we got to Anchorage, I missed my connecting flight. We flew into the North Terminal and it took me a good 10 minutes to figure out that Alaska airlines flew out of the South Terminal. How do you get to the South Terminal, you ask? You take a shuttle. That you have to wait for outside. That runs every 15 minutes, and if you JUST missed it, you're going to be out there for a while. I had not planned for this at all. Luckily I had my snow jacket in my carry-on, but I wasn't wearing socks yet (flats don't need them usually) and my hates and scarves and mittens were in my checked baggage. It SUCKED. I have pretty poor circulation to my hands to begin with. Within three minutes, I couldn't even dial my phone properly because my hands were numb. It sucked. BUT, it's funny how God does things on purpose to actually help you. Another girl my age missed the Fairbanks flight as well, and we both got stuck on the 7:00pm flight.. which was 2 1/2 hours away. Somehow, we started talking (especially in the security line where ONE FREAKING PERSON was working a line that practically went out the door) and it turns out, she and her husband are stationed at Ft. Wainwright as well. We got a long SUPER well, and ended up having dinner together and talked the whole time. Before I left with Dan, we exchanged numbers. I officially have a female friend here. This is HUGE for me. I made a decision a few months back that I needed to change my relationships with men and start working on having close female friends. I managed to find that in San Diego, but I was terrified about not meeting girls who didn't hate me right off the bat, or annoyed me to the point I steered clear. I've REALLY been praying about it, and was shocked and excited how quickly God answered that prayer.
When we finally landed in Fairbanks, I was exhausted.. until I got my bags and headed outside with Dan. THAT woke me up REALLY fast despite a jacket, socks, and gloves. And I have never seen so much snow in my life! Trees are buried halfway up the trunk and benches are pretty much just slabs on the ground. It's INSANE! But I actually really like it so far. The snow looks like diamonds when the sun is out. Our temporary lodging is nice. It's like an itty bitty apartment.. just without a range for like baking or whatever. It saves money to not have to go out to eat all the time.
Married ladies take note: when flying, make sure your ring is on your finger. My ring is too big right now, plus one of the brackets broke and I'm scared I'll lose a sapphire if I wear it before it's fixed. I always assumed guys didn't pay attention to the ring.. I was wrong. Nothing is more awkward than random guys talking to you and offering to help you and asking you questions. I'm not saying this to be conceited at ALL.. I honestly don't understand the draw. I HATE being the center of attention like that, and I never know what to say. I at first thought to just cut them off and be like "Um, I'm married. Please don't talk to me." But then I got all nervous that that was rude since maybe they really are just trying to strike up a friendly conversation to pass the time. The Lord knows airports are only entertaining for so long. You have to combat boredom some how, I guess.
Lastly, despite the adventure so far and how nice it is to be with Dan and how amazing the landscape is, I'm a little homesick. I didn't expect to feel that. This trip isn't permanent yet, so that helps a little bit.. knowing I'm not quite gone for good yet. It makes the transition easier.
My flights were semi uneventful. On the one from San Diego to Seattle, I had an entire row to myself. Normally when that happens, I'm actually able to sleep.. especially since I've BARELY been sleeping at all lately, and the night before I left I only managed to grab an hour. But I was so overwhelmed by everything that I ended up staring at the ceiling with my head phones on. Seattle was AMAZING to fly over. I actually teared up because the view was THAT overwhelming.. like, it just screamed how beautiful our Creator really is, and how much pleasure He took in creating this world for us. From up there, for like I full five minutes, I couldn't think about anything else but Christ. I can't tell you how rare it is for me to not even be able to form words to express my feelings.
Seattle to Anchorage was a crazy full flight, and the longest of the three. It also took off way late because apparently the sink in the lavatory wasn't working and it took them like 30 minutes to finish the paperwork. At first, the pilot just said that the plane had a "small malfunction." DUDE! SPECIFY! The last thing I want to hear is "slight malfunction" when I'm on a plane. The guys next to me were super nice though. I'm pretty sure I bruised the guy closest to me like 10 different times. The lady in front of me kept her seat entirely reclined for the ENTIRE trip, leaving me VERY little room to maneuver. I dropped my Ipod at one point and could not even reach it due to lack of space. Every time I had to switch positions, it was this long, drawn out event. Luckily, the guy I kept elbowing and kneeing and smacking was really nice about it. Still, having a stranger, especially a GUY stranger, that close to me makes me nervous and flustered. But my bubble only had so much room to complain. Anyway, as we approached Anchorage, I was once again taken aback by the landscape from the sky. This time, however, it was speaking to me about how untamed our God really is. I'm not gonna lie.. God has a bad-ass side. :) He's wild and dangerous despite His sovereignty. It was good to be reminded of that, and it made me smile. However, I was really confused because there seriously was NOTHING out there! Like, we were coming up on the airport, but it was in front of us, so I couldn't see it. When you fly into San Diego, you literally go in between skyscrapers to land. I was SO confused by this terrain.. there was NOTHING except snow and icy water for as far as I can see. In an almost panic, I turned to the guy next to me and blurted out, "WHERE are all the buildings?!" He laughed and said you couldn't see them until the very end.. and he was right. I pointed them out in a sigh of relief, and the guy laughed at me again and said from his seat, he still couldn't see them. This time I laughed and was like, "That's because it's so small!" I'm so funny (not really)!
Our plane was so late by the time we got to Anchorage, I missed my connecting flight. We flew into the North Terminal and it took me a good 10 minutes to figure out that Alaska airlines flew out of the South Terminal. How do you get to the South Terminal, you ask? You take a shuttle. That you have to wait for outside. That runs every 15 minutes, and if you JUST missed it, you're going to be out there for a while. I had not planned for this at all. Luckily I had my snow jacket in my carry-on, but I wasn't wearing socks yet (flats don't need them usually) and my hates and scarves and mittens were in my checked baggage. It SUCKED. I have pretty poor circulation to my hands to begin with. Within three minutes, I couldn't even dial my phone properly because my hands were numb. It sucked. BUT, it's funny how God does things on purpose to actually help you. Another girl my age missed the Fairbanks flight as well, and we both got stuck on the 7:00pm flight.. which was 2 1/2 hours away. Somehow, we started talking (especially in the security line where ONE FREAKING PERSON was working a line that practically went out the door) and it turns out, she and her husband are stationed at Ft. Wainwright as well. We got a long SUPER well, and ended up having dinner together and talked the whole time. Before I left with Dan, we exchanged numbers. I officially have a female friend here. This is HUGE for me. I made a decision a few months back that I needed to change my relationships with men and start working on having close female friends. I managed to find that in San Diego, but I was terrified about not meeting girls who didn't hate me right off the bat, or annoyed me to the point I steered clear. I've REALLY been praying about it, and was shocked and excited how quickly God answered that prayer.
When we finally landed in Fairbanks, I was exhausted.. until I got my bags and headed outside with Dan. THAT woke me up REALLY fast despite a jacket, socks, and gloves. And I have never seen so much snow in my life! Trees are buried halfway up the trunk and benches are pretty much just slabs on the ground. It's INSANE! But I actually really like it so far. The snow looks like diamonds when the sun is out. Our temporary lodging is nice. It's like an itty bitty apartment.. just without a range for like baking or whatever. It saves money to not have to go out to eat all the time.
Married ladies take note: when flying, make sure your ring is on your finger. My ring is too big right now, plus one of the brackets broke and I'm scared I'll lose a sapphire if I wear it before it's fixed. I always assumed guys didn't pay attention to the ring.. I was wrong. Nothing is more awkward than random guys talking to you and offering to help you and asking you questions. I'm not saying this to be conceited at ALL.. I honestly don't understand the draw. I HATE being the center of attention like that, and I never know what to say. I at first thought to just cut them off and be like "Um, I'm married. Please don't talk to me." But then I got all nervous that that was rude since maybe they really are just trying to strike up a friendly conversation to pass the time. The Lord knows airports are only entertaining for so long. You have to combat boredom some how, I guess.
Lastly, despite the adventure so far and how nice it is to be with Dan and how amazing the landscape is, I'm a little homesick. I didn't expect to feel that. This trip isn't permanent yet, so that helps a little bit.. knowing I'm not quite gone for good yet. It makes the transition easier.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I should be asleep, but I'm not.
It's funny to me how life doesn't get easier as you age. When we're little, we look forward to this crazy phenomenon called "adulthood." It seems perfect. What they don't understand is that just because you have the ability and right to make your own choices, you still spend half the time trying to figure out your place in this world and who you are supposed to be. Purpose remains a mystery. Pain is normal.. even constant at times. One minute you think you know who you are, and the next minute you're looking around wondering how the crap you got here. You think you know the people closest to you, but you may not be right. My life seems to enbody the word "complicated." And I'm really tired of it.
Say Goodbye - Ashlee Simpson
You don't know me like you knew me
You stopped listening the moment that I needed you the most
You can't see me like you saw me
The truth comes easy
But it's hard for you to pull me from the ground
So I scream
Scream 'cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
But what if there was?
You'd still be you and I'd still need to say goodbye
Maybe you don't love me like I love you, baby
'Cause the broken in you doesn't make me run
There is beauty in the dark side
I'm not frightened
Without it I could never feel the sun
So I scream
Scream 'cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
But what if there was?
You'd still be you and I'd still need to say goodbye
Nothing will change
No matter what you say
I'm still going to be the same
The harder we try, the harder we fight
Can't get it right
So I scream
Scream 'cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
But what if there was?
You'd still be you and I'd still need to say goodbye
Say Goodbye - Ashlee Simpson
You don't know me like you knew me
You stopped listening the moment that I needed you the most
You can't see me like you saw me
The truth comes easy
But it's hard for you to pull me from the ground
So I scream
Scream 'cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
But what if there was?
You'd still be you and I'd still need to say goodbye
Maybe you don't love me like I love you, baby
'Cause the broken in you doesn't make me run
There is beauty in the dark side
I'm not frightened
Without it I could never feel the sun
So I scream
Scream 'cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
But what if there was?
You'd still be you and I'd still need to say goodbye
Nothing will change
No matter what you say
I'm still going to be the same
The harder we try, the harder we fight
Can't get it right
So I scream
Scream 'cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
But what if there was?
You'd still be you and I'd still need to say goodbye
Monday, March 9, 2009
Happy Ever After (Blog #2)
she loves her mamas lemonade
hates the sound that goodbyes make
hhe prays someday she'll find someone to need her
she swears there is no difference
between the lies and compliments
it's all the same if everybody leaves her
and every magazine tells her she's not good enough
the pictures that she sees make her cry
she would change everything, everything
just ask her
caught in the between
a beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home
she's giving boys what they want
and tries to act so nonchalant
afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction
she never stays the same for long
assuming that she'll get it wrong
perfect only in her imperfection
she's not a drama queen
she doesn't want to feel this way
only 17, but tired
she's just the way she is
but no one has told her that's ok
hates the sound that goodbyes make
hhe prays someday she'll find someone to need her
she swears there is no difference
between the lies and compliments
it's all the same if everybody leaves her
and every magazine tells her she's not good enough
the pictures that she sees make her cry
she would change everything, everything
just ask her
caught in the between
a beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home
she's giving boys what they want
and tries to act so nonchalant
afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction
she never stays the same for long
assuming that she'll get it wrong
perfect only in her imperfection
she's not a drama queen
she doesn't want to feel this way
only 17, but tired
she's just the way she is
but no one has told her that's ok
I'm investing in caution tape.
Max and I decided today that his bedroom (one he shared with Ryan what seems like forever ago and yesterday all at the same time) needs a huge "X" put across the doorway in "Caution" tape. Or maybe we should just brick it over. This stupid apartment is so painful for both of us. Poor Max.. his girlfriend of (on and off) 5 years opted to dump him the other night for good. Now, granted, she was cheating on him and he deserves better, but funny how that doesn't make you feel any better. He's taken to sleeping on the couch because his bedroom smells like her no matter how much Febreeze we spray. I can't get him to eat, which is REALLY bad because his metabolism is so fast that you can already tell he's dropping weight. We both live here, but really, all we both can think about is fleeing the memories that haunt this stupid house. I spend hours walking Nandi to get away, and spend as much time in my room as possible. Life is ridiculously painful right now. And I leave for Alaska in 2 days for a visit. Wish me luck.
"Motorcycles in the parking lot
Revving their engines and it just won't stop
Matches the noises screaming in my head
Houston, I think we got a problem
Where does everybody go when they go?
They go so fast, I don't think they know
We hate so fast and we love too slow
London, I think we got a problem
And when I think about it
I just can't think about it
I try to drink about it
But I keep spinning
Ave Mary A, where did you go? Where did you go?
How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?
Help me let go of the chaos around me
The devil that hounds me
I need you to tell me, "Child, be still"
Child be still, child be still
Broken hearts all around the spot
I can't help thinking that we lost the plot
Suicide bomber, and a student shot
Tokyo, I think we got a problem
But for that they have got a pill
If that don't kill you then the side effects will
If we don't kill each other then the side effects will
K-Town, I think we've got a problem
If the darkest hour comes before the light
Where is the light? Where is the light?
If the darkest hour comes before the light
Where is the light? Where is the light?
Ave Mary A, where did you go? Where did you go?
How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?
Help me, help me, let go of the chaos around me
The devil that hounds me
I need you to tell me, "Child, be still"
Child be still, child be still
"Motorcycles in the parking lot
Revving their engines and it just won't stop
Matches the noises screaming in my head
Houston, I think we got a problem
Where does everybody go when they go?
They go so fast, I don't think they know
We hate so fast and we love too slow
London, I think we got a problem
And when I think about it
I just can't think about it
I try to drink about it
But I keep spinning
Ave Mary A, where did you go? Where did you go?
How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?
Help me let go of the chaos around me
The devil that hounds me
I need you to tell me, "Child, be still"
Child be still, child be still
Broken hearts all around the spot
I can't help thinking that we lost the plot
Suicide bomber, and a student shot
Tokyo, I think we got a problem
But for that they have got a pill
If that don't kill you then the side effects will
If we don't kill each other then the side effects will
K-Town, I think we've got a problem
If the darkest hour comes before the light
Where is the light? Where is the light?
If the darkest hour comes before the light
Where is the light? Where is the light?
Ave Mary A, where did you go? Where did you go?
How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?
Help me, help me, let go of the chaos around me
The devil that hounds me
I need you to tell me, "Child, be still"
Child be still, child be still
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Oh, so easily you're over me..
Here's what is on my mind: if you know you are doing the right thing, but you also know you are doing it for all the wrong reasons, is it still the right thing to do? "Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus" (Wallace Stegner - The Spectator Bird).
My dog, Nandi, found this weird ball in the house. I have absolutely NO idea where it came from, but she's obsessed. If she hits it hard enough, it lights up and makes weird noises. I can't tell if she's scared of it and trying to kill it, or playing with it because she thinks it is fun. Regardless, she won't let me near it. I think maybe she's trying to protect me from it.
I bought the newest Jody Picoult book the other day called "Handle with Care." Her books seriously rock my world. She makes you think about things that you may not be entirely comfortable with, which makes her amazing. I actually end up underlining certain sentences and paragraphs because they hit me so hard. I thought I'd share:
"It's funny, isn't it, how you can be 100 percent sure of your opinion on something until it happens to you" (29).
"Tempering: to heat slowly and gradually... In cooking, tempering is about making something stronger by taking your time... Or, in other words, it's the substance you've got when you start that determines the outcome" (15).
"Things break all the time. Glass, and dishes, and fingernails. Cars and contracts and potato chips. You can break a record, a horse, a dollar. You can break the ice. There are coffee breaks and lunch breaks and prison breaks. Day breaks, waves break, voices break. Chains can be broken. So can silence, and fever... Promises break. Hearts break... Fault lines. These are the places where the earth breaks apart. These are the spots where earthquakes originate, where volcanoes are born. Or in other words: the world is crumbling under us; it's the solid ground beneath our feet that's an illusion" (1).
"'Maybe,' Sean said, 'she wasn't meant to be here with us. Maybe this is God's will.'
'What about MY will?' I asked. 'I want her. I've wanted her all along'" (10).
[In reference to the teacup ride at Disneyworld]
"The family seemed so happy it made my stomach hurt to watch it. I knew that the people on the commercial probably weren't even a real family - but I WANTED them to be one. I wanted to believe they were laughing, smiling, even as they were spinning out of control" (18).
My dog, Nandi, found this weird ball in the house. I have absolutely NO idea where it came from, but she's obsessed. If she hits it hard enough, it lights up and makes weird noises. I can't tell if she's scared of it and trying to kill it, or playing with it because she thinks it is fun. Regardless, she won't let me near it. I think maybe she's trying to protect me from it.
I bought the newest Jody Picoult book the other day called "Handle with Care." Her books seriously rock my world. She makes you think about things that you may not be entirely comfortable with, which makes her amazing. I actually end up underlining certain sentences and paragraphs because they hit me so hard. I thought I'd share:
"It's funny, isn't it, how you can be 100 percent sure of your opinion on something until it happens to you" (29).
"Tempering: to heat slowly and gradually... In cooking, tempering is about making something stronger by taking your time... Or, in other words, it's the substance you've got when you start that determines the outcome" (15).
"Things break all the time. Glass, and dishes, and fingernails. Cars and contracts and potato chips. You can break a record, a horse, a dollar. You can break the ice. There are coffee breaks and lunch breaks and prison breaks. Day breaks, waves break, voices break. Chains can be broken. So can silence, and fever... Promises break. Hearts break... Fault lines. These are the places where the earth breaks apart. These are the spots where earthquakes originate, where volcanoes are born. Or in other words: the world is crumbling under us; it's the solid ground beneath our feet that's an illusion" (1).
"'Maybe,' Sean said, 'she wasn't meant to be here with us. Maybe this is God's will.'
'What about MY will?' I asked. 'I want her. I've wanted her all along'" (10).
[In reference to the teacup ride at Disneyworld]
"The family seemed so happy it made my stomach hurt to watch it. I knew that the people on the commercial probably weren't even a real family - but I WANTED them to be one. I wanted to believe they were laughing, smiling, even as they were spinning out of control" (18).
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I really shouldn't miss you, but I can't let you go.
I'm pretty sure I would die without Rachel. Seriously. God is so good for sending me such a great friend. It's amazing when, after days like today, I don't have to explain myself because she already knows. Good times. Too bad I still feel sad and conflicted even after a crazy fun time. So much to take in.. so many decisions to make.. so much to think about. I think I'm tired.
"What I can remember is a lot like water
Trickling down a page of the most beautiful colors
I can't quite put my finger down
On the moment that I became like this
You see, I'm the bravest girl you will ever come to meet
Yet I shrink down to nothing at the thought of someone really seeing me
I think my heart is wrapped around and tangled up in winding weeds
But, I don't want to go on living
Being so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet are trembling
And every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all
Watch me unfold, unfold, unfold
These hands that I hold behind my back
Are bound and broken by own doing
And I can't feel anything anymore
I need a touch to remind me that I'm still real
I don't want to go on living
Being so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet are trembling
And every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all
Watch me unfold, unfold, unfold
My soul- it's dying to be freed
See, I can't live the rest of my life so guarded
It's dying to be freed
It's up to me choose what kind of life I lead
But, I don't want to go on living
Being so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet are trembling
And every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all
Watch me unfold, unfold, unfold
"What I can remember is a lot like water
Trickling down a page of the most beautiful colors
I can't quite put my finger down
On the moment that I became like this
You see, I'm the bravest girl you will ever come to meet
Yet I shrink down to nothing at the thought of someone really seeing me
I think my heart is wrapped around and tangled up in winding weeds
But, I don't want to go on living
Being so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet are trembling
And every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all
Watch me unfold, unfold, unfold
These hands that I hold behind my back
Are bound and broken by own doing
And I can't feel anything anymore
I need a touch to remind me that I'm still real
I don't want to go on living
Being so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet are trembling
And every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all
Watch me unfold, unfold, unfold
My soul- it's dying to be freed
See, I can't live the rest of my life so guarded
It's dying to be freed
It's up to me choose what kind of life I lead
But, I don't want to go on living
Being so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet are trembling
And every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all
Watch me unfold, unfold, unfold
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Points of Authority
Before somebody else takes you out of the frame
And puts your name to shame
Cover up your face
You can't run this race
The pace is too fast
You just won't last
You love the way I look at you
While taking pleasure
In the awful things you put me through
You take away if I give in
My life, my pride is broken
You like to think you're never wrong
You live what you've learned
You have to act like you're someone
You live what you've learned
You want someone to hurt like you
You live what you've learned
You want to share what you've been through
You live what you've learned
You love the things I say I'll do
The way I'll hurt myself again just to get back at you
You take away when I give in
My life, my pride is broken
You like to think you're never wrong
You live what you've learned
You have to act like you're someone
You live what you've learned
You want someone to hurt like you
You live what you've learned
You want to share what you've been through
You live what you've learned
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Too many memories.
The problem with close relationships is that when they go south (and in my experience, they always go south at some point or another), EVERYTHING seems to remind you of the person you're trying to forget. I mean, you do your best to avoid the obvious memories.. the big glaring ones.. like the park or certain songs. It's the ones that sneak attack you that are the worst. You're minding your own business.. maybe even managed to go a few hours without thinking about the person.. and then, out of nowhere- WHAM! SNEAK ATTACK! The next thing you know, you're a crying heap on the kitchen floor because said person used to take the foil off the top of your wine bottle because you always left it on after it was open. Or you're grocery shopping with your little brother and he starts explaining how to pick out eggs.. a skill he learned from a person you really DON'T want to be thinking about. Thank God that time heals all wounds. I don't know how many weeks of this I can take!
"I dance around this empty house
Tear us down, throw you out
Screaming down the halls
Spinning all around and now we fall
Pictures framing up the past
Your taunting smirk behind the glass
This museum full of ash
Once a tickle, now a rash
This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down
9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, fun
Echoes knocking on locked doors
All the laughter from before
I'd rather live out on the street
Than in this haunted memory
I've called the movers, called the maids
We'll try to excorcise this place
Drag my mattress to the yard
Crumble, tumble house of cards
I'm crawling through the doggy door
My keys don't fit my life no more
I'll change the drapes, break the plates
I'll find a new place, burn this f*cker down
This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm going to burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down
9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, FUN!"
PINK - Funhouse
"I dance around this empty house
Tear us down, throw you out
Screaming down the halls
Spinning all around and now we fall
Pictures framing up the past
Your taunting smirk behind the glass
This museum full of ash
Once a tickle, now a rash
This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down
9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, fun
Echoes knocking on locked doors
All the laughter from before
I'd rather live out on the street
Than in this haunted memory
I've called the movers, called the maids
We'll try to excorcise this place
Drag my mattress to the yard
Crumble, tumble house of cards
I'm crawling through the doggy door
My keys don't fit my life no more
I'll change the drapes, break the plates
I'll find a new place, burn this f*cker down
This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm going to burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down
9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, FUN!"
PINK - Funhouse
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The Reader
In a vain attempt at distracting myself from.. well.. life and all it's complexities, I bought the book "The Reader" from Target the other day. I don't reccomend it. I'm really only finishing it because I'm one of those people who HAS to finish a book even if it totally sucks and takes me months to get through. At any rate, the author does have great insights about certain things. The following is an excerpt that has stuck with me and I can't get out of my head:
"Why does it make me so sad when I think back to that time? Is it yearning for past happines- for I was happy in the weeks that followed... we loved as if nothing else in the world mattered. Is it the knowledge of what came later, and that what came out afterwards had been there all along? Why? Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hindsight because it concealed dark truths... but we were happy! Sometimes the memory of happiness cannot stay true because it ended unhappily. Because happiness is only real if it lasts forever? Because things always end painfully if they contained pain, conscious or unconscious, all along? But what is unconscious, unrecognized pain?
But there was so much energy in me, such belief that one day I'd be attractive and clever... such anticipation when I met new people and new situations. Is that what makes me sad? The eagneress and belief that filled me then and exacted a pledge from life that life could never fulfill? Sometimes I see the same eagerness and belief in the faces of children and teenagers and the sight brings back the same sadness I feel in remembering myself. Is this what sadness is all about? Is it what comes over us when beautiful memories shatter in hindsight because the remembered happiness fed not just on actual circumstances but on a promise that was not kept?"
"Why does it make me so sad when I think back to that time? Is it yearning for past happines- for I was happy in the weeks that followed... we loved as if nothing else in the world mattered. Is it the knowledge of what came later, and that what came out afterwards had been there all along? Why? Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hindsight because it concealed dark truths... but we were happy! Sometimes the memory of happiness cannot stay true because it ended unhappily. Because happiness is only real if it lasts forever? Because things always end painfully if they contained pain, conscious or unconscious, all along? But what is unconscious, unrecognized pain?
But there was so much energy in me, such belief that one day I'd be attractive and clever... such anticipation when I met new people and new situations. Is that what makes me sad? The eagneress and belief that filled me then and exacted a pledge from life that life could never fulfill? Sometimes I see the same eagerness and belief in the faces of children and teenagers and the sight brings back the same sadness I feel in remembering myself. Is this what sadness is all about? Is it what comes over us when beautiful memories shatter in hindsight because the remembered happiness fed not just on actual circumstances but on a promise that was not kept?"
Monday, March 2, 2009
H.A.L.T.
My dad has this saying: "HALT." He says it while throwing his hand up in a stop motion. We all find it pretty endearing, and we all end up using it pretty consistantly. The idea is that a helpful way to keep from sinning is to, well, HALT. You never want to be too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. It makes sense. I think about the times when I've been most likely to do things I either KNOW I shouldn't do or sort of slip up and do. Generally, I'm one of those things.. hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. And it's funny how they all tie in together. Like, if you're one, there's a very good chance you will be another, or end up feeling another. My main issue is this: what do you when one of those things can't be helped? I'm on day three of no sleep. Last night, I was attempting to sleep.. except Nandi decided to get into cat treats.. or maybe chinchilla treats.. and proceeded to be sick the ENTIRE NIGHT. She was nice enough to wake me up every hour on the hour all the way through.. oh wait, it's 7:12pm, and she's STILL SICK. I'm officially exhausted, borderling delirious, and picking fights with my husband simply because I can. Poor man has the patience of a saint.
I'm the biggest dork ever. No, seriously. Yesterday, I ran like a million errands. I ended up going to Petco by myself. For those of you who don't know, I have five pets: 2 cats, 2 dogs, and a chinchilla. This means that Petco trips involve a crapload of stuff. I generally take someone with me.. generally a guy. But I was feeling independent and.. some word that means "strong" that doesn't make me sound like a wannabe feminist. At any rate, I did all the shopping and all the lifting and even managed to load the car while holding the cart all at the same time. Feeling VERY pleased with myself, I returned the cart and went to step into the street.. and promptly tripped over the curb and almost ate it. In front of a car. Whose male driver started laughing at me while I sputtered about being ok. I tried to play it cool.. but let's face it, I'm like the uncoolest girl on the planet, not to mention the least smooth. :)
My friend, Peter, gave me the greatest metaphor ever today. We were talking about relationships, both the dating kind and the friend kind, and he says: "You know that feeling of falling into a Viper's nest? If you move forward, you're going to get bitten. If you move back, you're going to get bitten. But if you just sit there and don't move at all, you're.. well.. going to get bitten." Oh man. I've felt like that SO much in the last few months, it's ridiculous. It totally made me laugh though when he finished: "Which is why it's important to have always have at least one snake killing friend!" Probably very true.
In other news, I bought Season One of "How I Met Your Mother." It's freaking amazing. HILARIOUS. You should go watch it.
I'm the biggest dork ever. No, seriously. Yesterday, I ran like a million errands. I ended up going to Petco by myself. For those of you who don't know, I have five pets: 2 cats, 2 dogs, and a chinchilla. This means that Petco trips involve a crapload of stuff. I generally take someone with me.. generally a guy. But I was feeling independent and.. some word that means "strong" that doesn't make me sound like a wannabe feminist. At any rate, I did all the shopping and all the lifting and even managed to load the car while holding the cart all at the same time. Feeling VERY pleased with myself, I returned the cart and went to step into the street.. and promptly tripped over the curb and almost ate it. In front of a car. Whose male driver started laughing at me while I sputtered about being ok. I tried to play it cool.. but let's face it, I'm like the uncoolest girl on the planet, not to mention the least smooth. :)
My friend, Peter, gave me the greatest metaphor ever today. We were talking about relationships, both the dating kind and the friend kind, and he says: "You know that feeling of falling into a Viper's nest? If you move forward, you're going to get bitten. If you move back, you're going to get bitten. But if you just sit there and don't move at all, you're.. well.. going to get bitten." Oh man. I've felt like that SO much in the last few months, it's ridiculous. It totally made me laugh though when he finished: "Which is why it's important to have always have at least one snake killing friend!" Probably very true.
In other news, I bought Season One of "How I Met Your Mother." It's freaking amazing. HILARIOUS. You should go watch it.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
And then he went to "the island".
I couldn't sleep at all last night. I hate it when my brain won't shut down and insists on terrorizing me through the entire night. At this point, I'm so tired that I'll start to do something and completely forget what I was doing and start something else. Still, over all today was crazy productive. It's amazing what one can accomplish in all those extra hours.
On a not so light note, it's incredibly sad when you realize that God has purposely brought you into a time of extreme lonliness simply because you still have to learn to go to Him first. I'm so there right now, it's ridiculous. I know in the long run it is going to be so great. But in the midst of it, when you feel like next to no one fully understands you and the few people who do have been taken away for one reason or another, things get pretty gnarly. Seriously. Lack of sleep and too much crying has very unattractive results. Trust me.
On a not so light note, it's incredibly sad when you realize that God has purposely brought you into a time of extreme lonliness simply because you still have to learn to go to Him first. I'm so there right now, it's ridiculous. I know in the long run it is going to be so great. But in the midst of it, when you feel like next to no one fully understands you and the few people who do have been taken away for one reason or another, things get pretty gnarly. Seriously. Lack of sleep and too much crying has very unattractive results. Trust me.
Best Laid Plans - We the Living
Ok, so the crazy hair in the video sucks. And the guy is totally emo. But there's something crazy sexy about a guy getting into piano like that. And the lyrics rock and are strangely appropriate.
"If I have alarmed you, I didn't try
I'm tongue-tied
I've got to be honest
I'm terrified to fly blind
I tried to disarm you
I played this part a thousand times
The hunter's the hunted
I'm terrified, I'm open wide
The distance is spanned between you and I
Can I see you tonight?
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side
I wanted to have this under control
The story told
You came and rewrote it
Opened the door I've never known
You say that you hold them, the sands of time
You never lie
They pull like a current
I call to shore, there's no reply
The distance is spanned between you and I
Can I see you tonight?
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side
And I never wanted anything like this before
The distance is spanned between you and I
Can I see you tonight?
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side
The bridges that stand between you and I
Come over tonight
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side
Stand alone on our side
Of mice and men on our side."
"If I have alarmed you, I didn't try
I'm tongue-tied
I've got to be honest
I'm terrified to fly blind
I tried to disarm you
I played this part a thousand times
The hunter's the hunted
I'm terrified, I'm open wide
The distance is spanned between you and I
Can I see you tonight?
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side
I wanted to have this under control
The story told
You came and rewrote it
Opened the door I've never known
You say that you hold them, the sands of time
You never lie
They pull like a current
I call to shore, there's no reply
The distance is spanned between you and I
Can I see you tonight?
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side
And I never wanted anything like this before
The distance is spanned between you and I
Can I see you tonight?
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side
The bridges that stand between you and I
Come over tonight
When the pen in our hands
And our best laid plans
Will stand alone on our side
Stand alone on our side
Of mice and men on our side."
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