I've made the same mistake before
Too many malls, too many stores
December traffic, Christmas rush
It breaks me till I push and shove
Children are crying while mother's are trying
To photograph Santa and sleigh
The shopping and buying and standing forever in line
What can I say?
I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
December comes then disappears
Faster and faster every year
Did my own mother keep this pace
Or was the world a different place?
Where people stayed home wishing for snow
Watching three channels on their TV
Look at us now, rushing around
Trying to buy Christmas peace
I need a silent, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
What was it like back there in Bethlehem
With peace on earth, good will to men?
Every shepard's out in the field
Keeping watch over their flock by night
And the glory of the Lord shown around them
And they were so afraid
"And the angel said: '"Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.'"
I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Well, here we are. Election Day.
I know this is going to be a long post, but please, try and bear with me and read it all the way through.. especially if you're going to leave a comment. What I'm about to say is probably going to make a lot of people mad.. I'm sure I'll be getting hate mail the rest of the week from my more liberal friends who have pretty much decided I am a crazy person when it comes to politics. But in all honesty, I don't care. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of not caring.. to simply voice what God has put on my heart and not worry about whether or not I've made someone unhappy. The road to realizing that I cannot please everyone in my life AND still please God 100% of the time has been a long one. But the bottom line is, for me, God trumps everyone else. So again, feel free to disagree.. I no longer care about displeasing people whose viewpoints are not biblical.
But I digress. It is officially election day. At this time four years ago, I marched my 20 year old butt into the voting booth feeling informed and confident. My dad and Debbie had sat down with me the night before and together we went over all of the propositions and people running against each other and what everything meant so I wouldn't walk in uninformed. I hope to do that with my own kids someday.. not tell them who to vote for or try and push my personal beliefs onto them, but rather to help them fully understand the process. I stand firmly in my belief that our right to vote should NOT be taken for granted; it is in your best interest to not EVER say to me, even jokingly, "but everyone knows our individual votes don't really count." I may sock you in the face, and I'd rather not break my hand over such an ignorant comment. So there I was.. 20, newly engaged but still living with my dad, and going to school to be an esthetician and massage technician. At the time, I felt I understood the world pretty well.. I now realize how naive I really was. I've always been mature for my age, or so people say, so while in comparison to most 20 year olds I was indeed ahead of the game, I still had a lot to learn. I voted for Bush, hands down, with zero reservations. While being at war was hard on my heart because of how pro-life I am, I happily went along without a political title and found myself agreeing with the war more often than not. I was delighted to find that this whole being an adult thing was so incredibly easy!
Fast forward two years. I'm 22, married to a military man, living in another country, have no idea what path I want to take career wise, and completely depressed over the state of our country and the choice I helped make in the leadership of said country. I'm desperately trying to support my husband and the troops while at the same time wanting to throw something at our president's head for increasing deployments from 12 months to 15 months. While a small part of me still felt like we needed to be in Iraq to somehow save the lives of the thousands of innocent people getting slaughtered by terrorists, I was frustrated that the government seemed so unconcerned about the amount of strain being put on military families. I could not understand how we could spend so much time policing another country when the foundation of our own country, the home, was crumbling around us. To make matters worse, I didn't have any answers on how to change things. I could voice my anger and disappointment towards the military and our country's leadership until I was blue in the face, but it's not like I had any better ideas as to how to fix things. Though Dan and I were still childless, I was deeply concerned and anxious over the type of the world my kids were going to grow up in. The amount of pain we as humans were and are in is staggering for me. It all felt so hopeless.
Once again, we fast forward another two years to today. I'm 24, my husband has been deployed for over a year, and whatever progress was being made in Iraq seems to have plateaued. There is no end to the war in sight, our country continues to spiral downward towards complete division, and the presidential title is about to change hands. For me, this election has been infuriating. It seems like every time I made a decision on who to vote for, some huge issue would come up and cause me to stop dead in my tracks and reevaluate my decision. It got to the point where I was so frustrated and sickened by all the petty slander and ridiculous arguments, I had pretty much decided not to vote at all. But that decision made many of the older adults in my life (i.e. my parents, my pastor, etc) not so happy.. and somehow I managed to be convinced that I did indeed need to vote even if it meant simply choosing the lesser of two evils. Easier said than done, but here's what ended up happening: God rocked my world.
To begin with, I shut the hell up. Do not misunderstand what I mean.. discussing politics is a part of life. Communication is vital in all areas of life. The problem is, we all spend a whole lot more time spouting off our own beliefs rather than listening to one another. For some reason, in our society, being "right" as an individual is far more important than listening to each other and coming to even the bare minimum of an understanding. Does anyone else see how backwards that is? None of us.. and I repeat NONE OF US have all the answers all the time, and we need to stop pretending like we do. It needs to be ok to be wrong. Did you hear that? IT IS OK TO BE PROVEN WRONG. The world teaches us that changing our minds about issues, whether political or otherwise, is to be weak and hypocritical. More often than not, that is so so SO not the case. Let me give you an example: I proudly bear the label "pro-life." For me, this means that I do not think abortion is right under any circumstances, and I do not agree with the death penalty. However, let's say one day Joe Schmoe comes along and presents to me a valid argument as to why I should be for the death penalty rather than against it. His facts and arguments make total sense to me, and based on that, I make an informed decision to start supporting the death penalty rather than stand against it. Friends, that does not make me a hypocrite. That makes me a mature and strong individual who is open to growth and advancement as God sees fit. Being a hypocrite means doing something IN THIS MOMENT and then turning around and telling someone else not to. Somewhere down the line, the difference between growth and hypocrisy got completely mixed up. Case and point: as a parent, you guide your children in the ways of what is right and what is wrong. You made mistakes, and you recognize that your child will also make mistakes. If you did drugs as a teenager in high school, it does not make you a hypocrite to then tell your own child that drugs are a terrible idea. Drugs are not all of a sudden ok to try because ones parents did it themselves. It's still wrong regardless. You learn from your mistakes in life, and you try and pass that wisdom on to others. If a person can stand up and say "I did this, and it was wrong and I want to encourage you not to make those same mistakes".. that shows an amazing amount of strength and wisdom. Being so involved in yourself that your entire focus is on being right is the easy part! Not only is it easy, it shows zero strength.. absolutely none. And friends, we need to encourage each other in this growth. When a person in your life is able to come around and admit they were wrong, feeling smug and gloating is not ok. Our focus needs to be shifted from this who is right and who is wrong issue to how can we support and build each other up.
I'm going to now take this one step further. Are you ready? When it comes to the right and wrong debate, the process of how the decision was reached will always be vastly more important than the end result. Let me explain what this has to do with politics.. or at least try to. I do not consider myself to be a democrat or a republican. The heart of the person running matters a whole lot more to me than some stupid title. My husband, however, is a republican. We start talking about politics, and things slowly start getting heated. By the time the argument is over, one or both of us is feeling hurt and alone in our marriage.. divided.. no longer one in Christ. Granted, we each were able to voice our individual opinions, but at what cost? Not only did the debate accomplish nothing, it also put a rift in the fabric that bonds us together. And this idea does not just apply to people who are married. It applies to ALL our relationships. Satan is brilliant at dividing and conquering, and we sit back and let it happen way more often than we should. Half the time we don't even realize it's happening. Satan sets up these huge traps in things like the presidential election. He gets us so focused on the "what" that we forget about the "who." We seem to think that as long as what it being debated is not a black or white issue.. as long as we are staying in the grey area.. that it is ok to treat each other poorly, to get angry with one another, to hurt each others feelings, to make another person feel worthless or small all in the name of having an individual opinion. Don't you see?! THIS IS NOT OKAY!
All right, one last thing. I really hope I'm making sense.. sometimes what I need to get out of my head comes faster than my hands can type and organize. This last part may make some of my fellow strong, feminist, female friends a little hot around the collar.. ha ha. People often do not see who I really am. I am a fairly private person, and for some reason, that tends to come off wrong. People are quick to assume that I am conservative in my beliefs.. that I've led a rather sheltered life.. that I follow all the rules all the time and I do not get into trouble. Most people who pass me on the street would fall over in confusion if they really knew my background and where I come from. I'm not saying this to be all emo.. I'm not looking for sympathy.. I am not saying my life has been any better or worse than anyone elses. I'm saying that I've been there.. grief, pain, and loneliness have been well practiced in my life over the years, as have grace, mercy, and love.. that when I say "I understand," I'm not just imagining what real hurt and disappointment must feel like... but that's neither here nor there. Obviously, as a Christian, my beliefs on life and love are grounded in the Bible. In the last several months, I feel like God has been moving in how we as people treat one another and deal with things. If you're super close to me, you're probably groaning right now because I keep talking about that very idea.. but I keep talking about it because God keeps revealing more and more of Himself to me in that area. As a nation, a country, a society, whatever, we have become completely divided. That whole "United We Stand" slogan is a huge joke, but I take full responsibility in allowing it get that way (as should you).. "Divided We Stand.. and are Crumbling" is a much more accurate way of putting things. For weeks, I have been anxious about this election.. mostly because I had no idea who I was a going to vote for or what it would take for me to finally make a decision. I used to think that my decision would always be easy.. that I would vote based on my own beliefs alone and disregard everyone elses opinion.. but.. are you ready for this?.. I was wrong. When Dan and I got married, we became one in Christ. How then had I allowed myself to fall into the trap of thinking that his opinions and beliefs should not cloud my own? I will tell you how: the world has set us up to believe that as a person, our little individual orbits are more important than unity as a couple or as a family. One of the biggest complaints I hear from women about Christianity is that in marriage, God calls us to be submissive to our husbands. You use the word "submit to a man" in reference to most females and you are probably going to get kicked in your junk. Ha ha. God's vision of marital unity has been vastly skewed by our own selfish ambitions. Now, do not for a even a second think that I am saying that as a wife, I should follow Dan around like a duckling asking permission for everything from spending money to when to pee. It does not mean that I blindly follow him into sin, or allow him to harm me or our future children. It means that I married a GOOD man.. a Godly man.. a man that I can trust to hear my opinions and beliefs and consider them when making all decisions. I KNOW this system has been abused and manipulated into horrible things. I'm not stupid, and I'm not blind. However, I will not allow the world to tell me that by allowing my husband to make the final call on decisions and standing 100% united with him somehow makes me a weak person. I'm entirely confused how somewhere down the line, being united as a family.. forsaking all others.. holding onto each other for dear life.. how all that became a BAD thing. To need another person, whether it be your spouse or best friend or parent or sibling, has become the ultimate form of weakness. It goes way above and beyond just foolish pride. "Charity" is practically a bad word and to serve others is somehow linked to letting people walk all over you. Do you see where I'm going with this? To truly be united as a country means to first be united in our day to day lives and relationships. We spend so much time pushing each other away.. we all have been hurt so many times and carry so much emotional baggage that opening our hearts and truly being vulnerable with one another is not something our society and this world supports.. which is exactly where Satan wants us. Divide and conquer. It has worked every time.. but not anymore.
Obama has won the election, and he states that America is poised for changed. I whole heartedly agree. But did I vote for him? It doesn't matter. God has put the people in leadership positions in our country for a reason. At the end of the day, the best we can ever hope to accomplish is to take the positive steps to change one moment, one decision, one relationship, one spoken word, one action at a time. Maybe it means simply walking away from a political debate that is starting to become heated and has the potential to hurt someone.. maybe it means that despite how many times your spouse has failed you, you are still going to choose to love him unconditionally today and have faith that God is big enough to change things.. maybe it means as a parent being able to admit being in the wrong to your child.. maybe it means leaving the past in the past and stop punishing someone for mistakes that cannot not be changed. I do not have all the answers, but neither do you.. if we did, we wouldn't be where we are today in the first place. The bottom line is that selfishness, independence, bitterness.. the idea that ones own opinion is always more important or more right than another.. keeping a record of wrong.. all that stuff is easy. Do not be fooled by the world. It takes FAR more strength to be a servant.. to be patient.. to admit when you are wrong.. to love unconditionally.. to build each other up and encourage one another.. to stand as a united front with your spouse and family and good friends against the deeds of darkness and the lies of the world.. these things, my friends, is what it means to be strong.. to be grounded in love and grace and mercy.
Oh.. and just for the record.. I definitely voted yes on giving farm animals ample exercise time. This issue definitely was my number one voting priority. :)
But I digress. It is officially election day. At this time four years ago, I marched my 20 year old butt into the voting booth feeling informed and confident. My dad and Debbie had sat down with me the night before and together we went over all of the propositions and people running against each other and what everything meant so I wouldn't walk in uninformed. I hope to do that with my own kids someday.. not tell them who to vote for or try and push my personal beliefs onto them, but rather to help them fully understand the process. I stand firmly in my belief that our right to vote should NOT be taken for granted; it is in your best interest to not EVER say to me, even jokingly, "but everyone knows our individual votes don't really count." I may sock you in the face, and I'd rather not break my hand over such an ignorant comment. So there I was.. 20, newly engaged but still living with my dad, and going to school to be an esthetician and massage technician. At the time, I felt I understood the world pretty well.. I now realize how naive I really was. I've always been mature for my age, or so people say, so while in comparison to most 20 year olds I was indeed ahead of the game, I still had a lot to learn. I voted for Bush, hands down, with zero reservations. While being at war was hard on my heart because of how pro-life I am, I happily went along without a political title and found myself agreeing with the war more often than not. I was delighted to find that this whole being an adult thing was so incredibly easy!
Fast forward two years. I'm 22, married to a military man, living in another country, have no idea what path I want to take career wise, and completely depressed over the state of our country and the choice I helped make in the leadership of said country. I'm desperately trying to support my husband and the troops while at the same time wanting to throw something at our president's head for increasing deployments from 12 months to 15 months. While a small part of me still felt like we needed to be in Iraq to somehow save the lives of the thousands of innocent people getting slaughtered by terrorists, I was frustrated that the government seemed so unconcerned about the amount of strain being put on military families. I could not understand how we could spend so much time policing another country when the foundation of our own country, the home, was crumbling around us. To make matters worse, I didn't have any answers on how to change things. I could voice my anger and disappointment towards the military and our country's leadership until I was blue in the face, but it's not like I had any better ideas as to how to fix things. Though Dan and I were still childless, I was deeply concerned and anxious over the type of the world my kids were going to grow up in. The amount of pain we as humans were and are in is staggering for me. It all felt so hopeless.
Once again, we fast forward another two years to today. I'm 24, my husband has been deployed for over a year, and whatever progress was being made in Iraq seems to have plateaued. There is no end to the war in sight, our country continues to spiral downward towards complete division, and the presidential title is about to change hands. For me, this election has been infuriating. It seems like every time I made a decision on who to vote for, some huge issue would come up and cause me to stop dead in my tracks and reevaluate my decision. It got to the point where I was so frustrated and sickened by all the petty slander and ridiculous arguments, I had pretty much decided not to vote at all. But that decision made many of the older adults in my life (i.e. my parents, my pastor, etc) not so happy.. and somehow I managed to be convinced that I did indeed need to vote even if it meant simply choosing the lesser of two evils. Easier said than done, but here's what ended up happening: God rocked my world.
To begin with, I shut the hell up. Do not misunderstand what I mean.. discussing politics is a part of life. Communication is vital in all areas of life. The problem is, we all spend a whole lot more time spouting off our own beliefs rather than listening to one another. For some reason, in our society, being "right" as an individual is far more important than listening to each other and coming to even the bare minimum of an understanding. Does anyone else see how backwards that is? None of us.. and I repeat NONE OF US have all the answers all the time, and we need to stop pretending like we do. It needs to be ok to be wrong. Did you hear that? IT IS OK TO BE PROVEN WRONG. The world teaches us that changing our minds about issues, whether political or otherwise, is to be weak and hypocritical. More often than not, that is so so SO not the case. Let me give you an example: I proudly bear the label "pro-life." For me, this means that I do not think abortion is right under any circumstances, and I do not agree with the death penalty. However, let's say one day Joe Schmoe comes along and presents to me a valid argument as to why I should be for the death penalty rather than against it. His facts and arguments make total sense to me, and based on that, I make an informed decision to start supporting the death penalty rather than stand against it. Friends, that does not make me a hypocrite. That makes me a mature and strong individual who is open to growth and advancement as God sees fit. Being a hypocrite means doing something IN THIS MOMENT and then turning around and telling someone else not to. Somewhere down the line, the difference between growth and hypocrisy got completely mixed up. Case and point: as a parent, you guide your children in the ways of what is right and what is wrong. You made mistakes, and you recognize that your child will also make mistakes. If you did drugs as a teenager in high school, it does not make you a hypocrite to then tell your own child that drugs are a terrible idea. Drugs are not all of a sudden ok to try because ones parents did it themselves. It's still wrong regardless. You learn from your mistakes in life, and you try and pass that wisdom on to others. If a person can stand up and say "I did this, and it was wrong and I want to encourage you not to make those same mistakes".. that shows an amazing amount of strength and wisdom. Being so involved in yourself that your entire focus is on being right is the easy part! Not only is it easy, it shows zero strength.. absolutely none. And friends, we need to encourage each other in this growth. When a person in your life is able to come around and admit they were wrong, feeling smug and gloating is not ok. Our focus needs to be shifted from this who is right and who is wrong issue to how can we support and build each other up.
I'm going to now take this one step further. Are you ready? When it comes to the right and wrong debate, the process of how the decision was reached will always be vastly more important than the end result. Let me explain what this has to do with politics.. or at least try to. I do not consider myself to be a democrat or a republican. The heart of the person running matters a whole lot more to me than some stupid title. My husband, however, is a republican. We start talking about politics, and things slowly start getting heated. By the time the argument is over, one or both of us is feeling hurt and alone in our marriage.. divided.. no longer one in Christ. Granted, we each were able to voice our individual opinions, but at what cost? Not only did the debate accomplish nothing, it also put a rift in the fabric that bonds us together. And this idea does not just apply to people who are married. It applies to ALL our relationships. Satan is brilliant at dividing and conquering, and we sit back and let it happen way more often than we should. Half the time we don't even realize it's happening. Satan sets up these huge traps in things like the presidential election. He gets us so focused on the "what" that we forget about the "who." We seem to think that as long as what it being debated is not a black or white issue.. as long as we are staying in the grey area.. that it is ok to treat each other poorly, to get angry with one another, to hurt each others feelings, to make another person feel worthless or small all in the name of having an individual opinion. Don't you see?! THIS IS NOT OKAY!
All right, one last thing. I really hope I'm making sense.. sometimes what I need to get out of my head comes faster than my hands can type and organize. This last part may make some of my fellow strong, feminist, female friends a little hot around the collar.. ha ha. People often do not see who I really am. I am a fairly private person, and for some reason, that tends to come off wrong. People are quick to assume that I am conservative in my beliefs.. that I've led a rather sheltered life.. that I follow all the rules all the time and I do not get into trouble. Most people who pass me on the street would fall over in confusion if they really knew my background and where I come from. I'm not saying this to be all emo.. I'm not looking for sympathy.. I am not saying my life has been any better or worse than anyone elses. I'm saying that I've been there.. grief, pain, and loneliness have been well practiced in my life over the years, as have grace, mercy, and love.. that when I say "I understand," I'm not just imagining what real hurt and disappointment must feel like... but that's neither here nor there. Obviously, as a Christian, my beliefs on life and love are grounded in the Bible. In the last several months, I feel like God has been moving in how we as people treat one another and deal with things. If you're super close to me, you're probably groaning right now because I keep talking about that very idea.. but I keep talking about it because God keeps revealing more and more of Himself to me in that area. As a nation, a country, a society, whatever, we have become completely divided. That whole "United We Stand" slogan is a huge joke, but I take full responsibility in allowing it get that way (as should you).. "Divided We Stand.. and are Crumbling" is a much more accurate way of putting things. For weeks, I have been anxious about this election.. mostly because I had no idea who I was a going to vote for or what it would take for me to finally make a decision. I used to think that my decision would always be easy.. that I would vote based on my own beliefs alone and disregard everyone elses opinion.. but.. are you ready for this?.. I was wrong. When Dan and I got married, we became one in Christ. How then had I allowed myself to fall into the trap of thinking that his opinions and beliefs should not cloud my own? I will tell you how: the world has set us up to believe that as a person, our little individual orbits are more important than unity as a couple or as a family. One of the biggest complaints I hear from women about Christianity is that in marriage, God calls us to be submissive to our husbands. You use the word "submit to a man" in reference to most females and you are probably going to get kicked in your junk. Ha ha. God's vision of marital unity has been vastly skewed by our own selfish ambitions. Now, do not for a even a second think that I am saying that as a wife, I should follow Dan around like a duckling asking permission for everything from spending money to when to pee. It does not mean that I blindly follow him into sin, or allow him to harm me or our future children. It means that I married a GOOD man.. a Godly man.. a man that I can trust to hear my opinions and beliefs and consider them when making all decisions. I KNOW this system has been abused and manipulated into horrible things. I'm not stupid, and I'm not blind. However, I will not allow the world to tell me that by allowing my husband to make the final call on decisions and standing 100% united with him somehow makes me a weak person. I'm entirely confused how somewhere down the line, being united as a family.. forsaking all others.. holding onto each other for dear life.. how all that became a BAD thing. To need another person, whether it be your spouse or best friend or parent or sibling, has become the ultimate form of weakness. It goes way above and beyond just foolish pride. "Charity" is practically a bad word and to serve others is somehow linked to letting people walk all over you. Do you see where I'm going with this? To truly be united as a country means to first be united in our day to day lives and relationships. We spend so much time pushing each other away.. we all have been hurt so many times and carry so much emotional baggage that opening our hearts and truly being vulnerable with one another is not something our society and this world supports.. which is exactly where Satan wants us. Divide and conquer. It has worked every time.. but not anymore.
Obama has won the election, and he states that America is poised for changed. I whole heartedly agree. But did I vote for him? It doesn't matter. God has put the people in leadership positions in our country for a reason. At the end of the day, the best we can ever hope to accomplish is to take the positive steps to change one moment, one decision, one relationship, one spoken word, one action at a time. Maybe it means simply walking away from a political debate that is starting to become heated and has the potential to hurt someone.. maybe it means that despite how many times your spouse has failed you, you are still going to choose to love him unconditionally today and have faith that God is big enough to change things.. maybe it means as a parent being able to admit being in the wrong to your child.. maybe it means leaving the past in the past and stop punishing someone for mistakes that cannot not be changed. I do not have all the answers, but neither do you.. if we did, we wouldn't be where we are today in the first place. The bottom line is that selfishness, independence, bitterness.. the idea that ones own opinion is always more important or more right than another.. keeping a record of wrong.. all that stuff is easy. Do not be fooled by the world. It takes FAR more strength to be a servant.. to be patient.. to admit when you are wrong.. to love unconditionally.. to build each other up and encourage one another.. to stand as a united front with your spouse and family and good friends against the deeds of darkness and the lies of the world.. these things, my friends, is what it means to be strong.. to be grounded in love and grace and mercy.
Oh.. and just for the record.. I definitely voted yes on giving farm animals ample exercise time. This issue definitely was my number one voting priority. :)
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Underneath
Obviously, I'm a big fan of song lyrics. While I love the music behind the lyrics as well, it's generally the words to a song that draw me in above all else. I'm sharing the following lyrics, "Underneath" by Alanis Morissette, because I haven't heard this true of a song in a long time. In my opinion, the message is extremely powerful, and it's a good reminder for us all. I believe that the home is both the greatest strength and the greatest weakness our world deals with today. I believe in family. And I believe that in order to impact the people around me.. in order to "change the world," I have to change myself first. We all do. It's funny how so many people are against the war, yet pick fights with their spouses on a daily basis.. how we can have such strong, broad opinions about each other, other people, other countries.. and yet 50% of marriages fail.. there are kids on the street because they didn't have parents who stepped up to the plate.. families are divided over petty issues that most likely won't even matter in the long run. And yet so many of us run around telling other people what should and should not be done or said.. not even realizing that everything that is wrong in this world starts with us. It starts with the home. Check the song out if you haven't heard it already.. it's a good one, for sure:
Look at us break our bonds in this kitchen
Look at us rallying all our defenses
Look at us waging war in our bedroom
Look at us jumping ship in our dialogue
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
Look at us form our cliques inside our sandbox
Look at us micro kids with both our hearts blocked
Look at us turn away from all the rough spots
Look at dictatorship on my own block
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
How I've spun my wheels with carts before my horse
When shine on the outside springs from the root
Spotlight on these seeds of simpler reasons
This core, born into form, starts in our living room
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms our there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
Look at us break our bonds in this kitchen
Look at us rallying all our defenses
Look at us waging war in our bedroom
Look at us jumping ship in our dialogue
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
Look at us form our cliques inside our sandbox
Look at us micro kids with both our hearts blocked
Look at us turn away from all the rough spots
Look at dictatorship on my own block
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
How I've spun my wheels with carts before my horse
When shine on the outside springs from the root
Spotlight on these seeds of simpler reasons
This core, born into form, starts in our living room
There is no difference in what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms our there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause right here, our underneath
Monday, June 9, 2008
This is the story of a girl.
I. Am. Stressed. Dan comes home in two weeks for R&R, and I have a mile long "To Do" list to accomplish before he gets home. My schoolwork is overwhelming, and I have exactly 6 days off between now and Dan coming home (having a 15 month old hanging around your neck makes getting things done on work days next to impossible). Because I'm already stressed, I'm susceptible to snowballing anxiety that stems from knowing so little about what the future holds (thank you, Army).
However, tonight, as I ate dinner standing up, staring at the list I have to start tomorrow, I started thinking about how lame it can be to worry or be anxious because God seriously has it all under control. He never fails to show me that He's paying attention.. that He KNOWS my wants and needs and is acting accordingly, though I may not understand it all at the time. Yet I still struggle with giving complete control over to Christ. When I'm feeling this way, sometimes God will remind me of a major way He worked in my life in the past, though I didn't know it at the time. I felt like sharing my favorite example with all of you.. some of you have heard this story, but bear with me.
The first MAJOR fight I ever remember having with my dad occured when I was signing up for classes for my freshman year of high school. I had to pick a language. For some strange reason, I wanted to take to German (I'm sure at first it had something to do with that being the language Amanda was taking and at the time, we were connected at the hip). My father, on the other hand, was insisting on Spanish. His arguments made COMPLETE sense. We lived in San Diego, and with the border to Mexico being so close and so many immigrants living in this area, Spanish was the obvious choice. German, however, made absolutely ZERO sense. I had no desire to travel to Germany at any point, and I hate to fly. At the time, the odds of me EVER having to utter a single German word outside of high school were slim to none. Eventually, it being me, I'm sure the arguement started to turn into just hating to be told what to do. We fought for DAYS. I would stomp around the house all mad, and he would try to make stupid jokes to cheer me up and go along with the whole Spanish thing. Somewhere down the line, my mom convinced him it was my life and I needed to be able to choose my own classes. My dad eventually gave in, realizing that I wouldn't do well in Spanish if that wasn't what I wanted to be taking. I was victorious. I had gotten my way... nevermind the fact that secretly, I had no idea why I was even arguing my point when his made so much more sense.
I ended up taking 3 1/2 years of German, and by that last semester, I was miserable. I was starting to think maybe my dad had been right.. I was burned out on the language, and it wasn't very much fun to never get to use it. I assumed that within 5 years, I would have forgotten it all. I was wrong. Within three years of graduating high school, I was married to Dan. Six months later, we were sent to Germany. My dad and I laugh these days about that huge German/Spanish fight.. but in all seriousness, if I had not taken German in high school, I never would have survived the move. As it was, I was totally out of my comfort zone and had NO desire to be there.. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I also didn't understand any of the language. While I'm obviously far from fluent, I knew plenty to get by, and since Dan can speak German as well, we did all right. But this is what I'm talking about.. as a freshman, I had no idea that God was working and pushing me towards something that NEEDED to happen. It's weird to think that while I was crushing on some cute boy behind me and killing my CPR dummy in Health Class with Amanda, God was moving.. He knew who I would marry and what it would entail, and He loved me enough to make sure I wouldn't drown when He threw me into the deep part of the pool.
I actually feel better having shared this. It's a great reminder for me, and I hope it encourages you as well. God is paying attention. It's generally us that have lost focus.
However, tonight, as I ate dinner standing up, staring at the list I have to start tomorrow, I started thinking about how lame it can be to worry or be anxious because God seriously has it all under control. He never fails to show me that He's paying attention.. that He KNOWS my wants and needs and is acting accordingly, though I may not understand it all at the time. Yet I still struggle with giving complete control over to Christ. When I'm feeling this way, sometimes God will remind me of a major way He worked in my life in the past, though I didn't know it at the time. I felt like sharing my favorite example with all of you.. some of you have heard this story, but bear with me.
The first MAJOR fight I ever remember having with my dad occured when I was signing up for classes for my freshman year of high school. I had to pick a language. For some strange reason, I wanted to take to German (I'm sure at first it had something to do with that being the language Amanda was taking and at the time, we were connected at the hip). My father, on the other hand, was insisting on Spanish. His arguments made COMPLETE sense. We lived in San Diego, and with the border to Mexico being so close and so many immigrants living in this area, Spanish was the obvious choice. German, however, made absolutely ZERO sense. I had no desire to travel to Germany at any point, and I hate to fly. At the time, the odds of me EVER having to utter a single German word outside of high school were slim to none. Eventually, it being me, I'm sure the arguement started to turn into just hating to be told what to do. We fought for DAYS. I would stomp around the house all mad, and he would try to make stupid jokes to cheer me up and go along with the whole Spanish thing. Somewhere down the line, my mom convinced him it was my life and I needed to be able to choose my own classes. My dad eventually gave in, realizing that I wouldn't do well in Spanish if that wasn't what I wanted to be taking. I was victorious. I had gotten my way... nevermind the fact that secretly, I had no idea why I was even arguing my point when his made so much more sense.
I ended up taking 3 1/2 years of German, and by that last semester, I was miserable. I was starting to think maybe my dad had been right.. I was burned out on the language, and it wasn't very much fun to never get to use it. I assumed that within 5 years, I would have forgotten it all. I was wrong. Within three years of graduating high school, I was married to Dan. Six months later, we were sent to Germany. My dad and I laugh these days about that huge German/Spanish fight.. but in all seriousness, if I had not taken German in high school, I never would have survived the move. As it was, I was totally out of my comfort zone and had NO desire to be there.. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I also didn't understand any of the language. While I'm obviously far from fluent, I knew plenty to get by, and since Dan can speak German as well, we did all right. But this is what I'm talking about.. as a freshman, I had no idea that God was working and pushing me towards something that NEEDED to happen. It's weird to think that while I was crushing on some cute boy behind me and killing my CPR dummy in Health Class with Amanda, God was moving.. He knew who I would marry and what it would entail, and He loved me enough to make sure I wouldn't drown when He threw me into the deep part of the pool.
I actually feel better having shared this. It's a great reminder for me, and I hope it encourages you as well. God is paying attention. It's generally us that have lost focus.
The idea of strength..
Being an Army wife, especially an Army wife with a husband deployed for 15 months, I get asked a lot of questions. Sometimes the questions get old.. while I appreciate how much everyone cares, it can be frustrating to answer the same questions over and over again: "How are you handling things?" or "How much longer does he have over there?" or "How do you do it?" When I answer, most people don't really know what to say other than things like "Wow, that really sucks" or "I couldn't do that!" The thing is, I really didn't think I could do it either. My dad was in the Navy when I was little, and I vaguely remember him going away for months at a time and how miserable my mom and I were without him. Even after he got out and started working for the government, he traveled way more than any of us would have liked. At some point, I made the decision that I would NEVER date or marry a man in the military. It all just seemed too hard. God obviously had other plans, and everything about Dan was so amazing that it managed to override the fact that he was about to join the Army. And here's the thing about the human spirit: you DON'T know how much you're able to handle until you're actually going through it. I can't even count the amount of trials I have had in my life that I never thought I would get through. I do what I have to do, just like everyone else who goes through times when life seems overwhelming and they can't take anymore.
So here I am.. 23 years old.. married for 3 years to a Warrant Officer helicopter pilot in the Army (Did I mention I hate to fly? I'm pretty sure God is up in heaven laughing at me for thinking I had things figured out.. I married a PILOT and I hate to fly.. very funny). When people hear that Dan is gone for such a long period of time, I end up being called things like "incredibly strong" and people constantly talk about how they couldn't do it. This idea always sort of bothered me.. after all, most days I don't feel exceptionally strong. I think people would be surprised how many days I have to tell myself "Just get through the next hour" or "Just get through this weekend." It's not just taking things one day at a time, it's often taking things one moment at a time. To my complete surprise, Dan had noticed that whenever he asks how I'm doing, I say "ok" rather than "good" or "very well" like 90% of the time. I answer "ok" because most full days really aren't "good" without Dan. Sure, I have "good" or even "great" moments during the day, but over all, there's like a cloud hanging over me that only Dan can chase away. Don't get me wrong.. I'm a happy and relatively content person. But Dan is my husband, and therefore there are places in my heart that only he can get to.
Here's the thing.. everyone always tells me how strong I am for handling things alone while Dan is gone.. for being able to marry a man who will be gone a lot. But here's the thing that most people don't know: Dan is so much stronger than I am. Seriously. I am fully aware of my issues, but most of you have no idea what it's like to really be with me. I have abandonment issues, divorce issues, and sexual issues from being molested. When I get scared something might go wrong in my life, I completely shut down emotionally.. I put up walls and push people away. I also push people's buttons.. I feel the need to push simply because I expect people to leave.. and I figure it's better now than when I'm even more attatched. I have eating issues, and next to zero self esteem. I have night terrors that cause a whole lot of thrashing and yelling, and sometimes I get so agitated that Dan has to get up and turn on the light to show me nothing is really there. Letting new people into my private circle is next to impossible. I don't play well with others.. I get overwhelmed in large groups of people, especially when I don't know them. They could be the nicest people on the planet, and I would still sit quietly, interacting as little as possible for fear I might say something incredibly stupid... which somehow comes across as being stuck up. The list goes on and on. Would you really want to date me knowing all of this? I know how I come off.. naive, sheltered, innocent. Most of the time, I can't cope with the idea of people seeing behind that mask. Not only did Dan see behind it and keep me around anyway, he also married me. He's incredibly patient.. he gives me space and time to work things out in my head when I need to, but also constantly reminds me that his arms are open when I'm ready to fall apart. I've never met anyone like him. Despite all my issues, I actually feel rather comfortable in my own skin for the first time because he makes me feel worthy.. that's a powerful feeling. My strength is nothing compared to Dan's.. he knew who I really am and loved me anyway. THAT, my friends, is true strength.
"God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave."
So here I am.. 23 years old.. married for 3 years to a Warrant Officer helicopter pilot in the Army (Did I mention I hate to fly? I'm pretty sure God is up in heaven laughing at me for thinking I had things figured out.. I married a PILOT and I hate to fly.. very funny). When people hear that Dan is gone for such a long period of time, I end up being called things like "incredibly strong" and people constantly talk about how they couldn't do it. This idea always sort of bothered me.. after all, most days I don't feel exceptionally strong. I think people would be surprised how many days I have to tell myself "Just get through the next hour" or "Just get through this weekend." It's not just taking things one day at a time, it's often taking things one moment at a time. To my complete surprise, Dan had noticed that whenever he asks how I'm doing, I say "ok" rather than "good" or "very well" like 90% of the time. I answer "ok" because most full days really aren't "good" without Dan. Sure, I have "good" or even "great" moments during the day, but over all, there's like a cloud hanging over me that only Dan can chase away. Don't get me wrong.. I'm a happy and relatively content person. But Dan is my husband, and therefore there are places in my heart that only he can get to.
Here's the thing.. everyone always tells me how strong I am for handling things alone while Dan is gone.. for being able to marry a man who will be gone a lot. But here's the thing that most people don't know: Dan is so much stronger than I am. Seriously. I am fully aware of my issues, but most of you have no idea what it's like to really be with me. I have abandonment issues, divorce issues, and sexual issues from being molested. When I get scared something might go wrong in my life, I completely shut down emotionally.. I put up walls and push people away. I also push people's buttons.. I feel the need to push simply because I expect people to leave.. and I figure it's better now than when I'm even more attatched. I have eating issues, and next to zero self esteem. I have night terrors that cause a whole lot of thrashing and yelling, and sometimes I get so agitated that Dan has to get up and turn on the light to show me nothing is really there. Letting new people into my private circle is next to impossible. I don't play well with others.. I get overwhelmed in large groups of people, especially when I don't know them. They could be the nicest people on the planet, and I would still sit quietly, interacting as little as possible for fear I might say something incredibly stupid... which somehow comes across as being stuck up. The list goes on and on. Would you really want to date me knowing all of this? I know how I come off.. naive, sheltered, innocent. Most of the time, I can't cope with the idea of people seeing behind that mask. Not only did Dan see behind it and keep me around anyway, he also married me. He's incredibly patient.. he gives me space and time to work things out in my head when I need to, but also constantly reminds me that his arms are open when I'm ready to fall apart. I've never met anyone like him. Despite all my issues, I actually feel rather comfortable in my own skin for the first time because he makes me feel worthy.. that's a powerful feeling. My strength is nothing compared to Dan's.. he knew who I really am and loved me anyway. THAT, my friends, is true strength.
"God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave."
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Funniest thing I've heard all day!
Sometimes when I get bored while Mason is napping, I'll get online and watch random shows I wouldn't normally make time for. Today's show was True Life: I have embarrassing parents, part 2 (not sure where part 1 went). This 15-year-old girl whose parents are retired professional clowns. It could be worse I suppose, but her parents hardly ever dress normally because they still do group events or picnics or parties or whatever (originally they performed for some well known circus.. Ringling Brothers maybe?). It kind of sucks that so many people are afraid of clowns.. the poor girl has friends who literally have to walk out of the room if her parents show up.. or run screaming in the other direction. HA! To make the whole thing even weirder, the daughters in the family are triplets, and the family's last name is Gram. What did they name their daughters, you ask?
Candy, Holli, and Milli. As in, when you say their names properly, it comes out candygram, hollogram, and milligram. Wow.
Candy, Holli, and Milli. As in, when you say their names properly, it comes out candygram, hollogram, and milligram. Wow.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Crazy Little Thing Called Love
I was talking with my friend Amanda tonight, and we were laughing about funny things that have happened while we were hanging out together. I've known her a long time, so there's a whole lot of memories, and I love her dearly.
For some reason, we started talking about having to pee in uncomfortable places.. like when you go "real" camping and their aren't any toilets for miles and miles and so you have to go hide behind a tree or bush and pray there's no poison ivy lurking around.
At any rate, it made me think about my own issues with peeing outside. I CANNOT do it. Seriously. If we're going camping, there had better be some sort of bathroom facility, even if it's just an outhouse, where I can pee. I am like this because of something that happened to me as a child.. the incident showed me both immense amounts of love, and immense amounts of embarassment.
I was like 6 or 7.. at least I think so.. and I was in Kentucky. I don't remember if we lived there or were just visiting, but our church decided to take all the kids on a hayride (noboday laugh.. hayrides can be a great time!). So, a bunch of my cousins and friends, plus my Mamaw (that's "Grandma" to those of you on the west coast), a couple of aunts and uncles, and a couple of other adult chaperones, piled onto this cart filled with hay and pulled by a tractor. The weather had been off for a day or two, but nobody thought anything of it. We eventually reached our picnic destination and proceeded to wolf down hotdogs and chips. One the adults on the trip had a radio with him, and had been listening to it on and off the entire outing. I've always been a slightly anxious person.. even as a child, panic could set into my little heart and have me freaking out over the worst things that could happen. It turned out a tornado warning had been issued.. and we were in the line of fire.
We didn't have time to make it back to the church, so somebody suggested we head for the "Bear Caves" (why they called them that, I'm not sure.. bears definitely do NOT live there) for some protection, and we would get out of there once the storm had passed. So, we were all piled back into the wagon and taken to the caves a short distance away. Once we had all been herded inside, they started a couple fires, and we prepared to wait out the terrible weather and crazy winds. As per usual with young kids, within an hour of being there, there was a chorus of "I have to go to the bathroom." We were split up: boys on one side, girls on the other. Piece of cake, right?
WRONG. As I got into the squat position, I realized I didn't know which way pee actually goes.. forward, or backward.. so I didn't know what direction to pull my pants. My older cousins seemed to have zero issues, so I felt like asking for help would make me too childish. I took a guess, and started to pee. Big mistake. I promtply peed all over myself and my pants. I was mortified. How could I have done such a thing?! I tried to be brave and not care.. I marched away from my cousins back to the fire.. but it was cold, and I was wet, and so ashamed. I was seriously on the verge of tears. My mamaw (my dad's mom) saw me looking devestated, and called me over to her. She asked me what was wrong, and I burst into tears. I was sobbing so hard I was giving myself the hiccups.
At this point, my Mamaw did the most amazing thing... she picked me up and pulled me into her lap and let me cry it out. Mind you, I was soaked in urine.. so you know it was seeping into her clothes as well. She didn't care. Isn't that amazing? Her love for me came first.. she didn't care that she'd probably smell like pee the entire day.. she didn't care that I was probably snotting all over her blouse at this point. All she cared about was taking away my fear and shame and hurt.
I don't get to see her very often, and I wonder if she knows how one small act like that could teach me so much about love. Unconditional love. My mamaw has a firm belief in Christ, and that day in the caves, she really portrayed God's love for us. It's a beautiful thing.
Of course, that's also the reason I refuse to pee anywhere but in a toilet. We don't need a repeat. :)
For some reason, we started talking about having to pee in uncomfortable places.. like when you go "real" camping and their aren't any toilets for miles and miles and so you have to go hide behind a tree or bush and pray there's no poison ivy lurking around.
At any rate, it made me think about my own issues with peeing outside. I CANNOT do it. Seriously. If we're going camping, there had better be some sort of bathroom facility, even if it's just an outhouse, where I can pee. I am like this because of something that happened to me as a child.. the incident showed me both immense amounts of love, and immense amounts of embarassment.
I was like 6 or 7.. at least I think so.. and I was in Kentucky. I don't remember if we lived there or were just visiting, but our church decided to take all the kids on a hayride (noboday laugh.. hayrides can be a great time!). So, a bunch of my cousins and friends, plus my Mamaw (that's "Grandma" to those of you on the west coast), a couple of aunts and uncles, and a couple of other adult chaperones, piled onto this cart filled with hay and pulled by a tractor. The weather had been off for a day or two, but nobody thought anything of it. We eventually reached our picnic destination and proceeded to wolf down hotdogs and chips. One the adults on the trip had a radio with him, and had been listening to it on and off the entire outing. I've always been a slightly anxious person.. even as a child, panic could set into my little heart and have me freaking out over the worst things that could happen. It turned out a tornado warning had been issued.. and we were in the line of fire.
We didn't have time to make it back to the church, so somebody suggested we head for the "Bear Caves" (why they called them that, I'm not sure.. bears definitely do NOT live there) for some protection, and we would get out of there once the storm had passed. So, we were all piled back into the wagon and taken to the caves a short distance away. Once we had all been herded inside, they started a couple fires, and we prepared to wait out the terrible weather and crazy winds. As per usual with young kids, within an hour of being there, there was a chorus of "I have to go to the bathroom." We were split up: boys on one side, girls on the other. Piece of cake, right?
WRONG. As I got into the squat position, I realized I didn't know which way pee actually goes.. forward, or backward.. so I didn't know what direction to pull my pants. My older cousins seemed to have zero issues, so I felt like asking for help would make me too childish. I took a guess, and started to pee. Big mistake. I promtply peed all over myself and my pants. I was mortified. How could I have done such a thing?! I tried to be brave and not care.. I marched away from my cousins back to the fire.. but it was cold, and I was wet, and so ashamed. I was seriously on the verge of tears. My mamaw (my dad's mom) saw me looking devestated, and called me over to her. She asked me what was wrong, and I burst into tears. I was sobbing so hard I was giving myself the hiccups.
At this point, my Mamaw did the most amazing thing... she picked me up and pulled me into her lap and let me cry it out. Mind you, I was soaked in urine.. so you know it was seeping into her clothes as well. She didn't care. Isn't that amazing? Her love for me came first.. she didn't care that she'd probably smell like pee the entire day.. she didn't care that I was probably snotting all over her blouse at this point. All she cared about was taking away my fear and shame and hurt.
I don't get to see her very often, and I wonder if she knows how one small act like that could teach me so much about love. Unconditional love. My mamaw has a firm belief in Christ, and that day in the caves, she really portrayed God's love for us. It's a beautiful thing.
Of course, that's also the reason I refuse to pee anywhere but in a toilet. We don't need a repeat. :)
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Less than a month until R&R!
It's crazy, but Dan will be home for 3 weeks in less than a month. Funny how time seems to fly and stand still all at once. For those of you who don't know, Dan did all of his Pilot in Command testing, and earned the title last week. I am SO SO proud of him. Hopefully these last few weeks will go rather quickly.. I feel bad saying that.. I know we are supposed to not forget about the "now" because we're to busy looking forward.. but it's a little hard not!
"I married a committed military man. And I have loved this military life. I have also had to put my personal opinions aside to truly understand that our defenders of freedom are fighting a bigger battle. Not a political battle; their battle goes beyond politics. Beyond on religion, race, or gender. They are the defenders for us all. They are the defenders of our differences. As one soldier is taken away from us, another returns to us. There is balance in the universe; a natural system of order. Look beside each soldier, and you will find the people who fight with them. The spouses, the sons, the daughters, the families.: we serve too. Their victories are our victories, their defeats are our defeats. Together, we fight for our freedom. For years, I have tried to be the perfect wife and mother. Each day, I disappoint myself. Human life isn't about perfection; it is about accepting the flawed.. the misguided parts of ourselves. We keep trying, we keep loving, we keep believing. I am proud of the role we play in maintaining peace, in our country and in the world. I am proud to stand beside a man whose integrity shines like a diamond in the dust. And I am proud to call myself an Army wife." -Army Wives
"I married a committed military man. And I have loved this military life. I have also had to put my personal opinions aside to truly understand that our defenders of freedom are fighting a bigger battle. Not a political battle; their battle goes beyond politics. Beyond on religion, race, or gender. They are the defenders for us all. They are the defenders of our differences. As one soldier is taken away from us, another returns to us. There is balance in the universe; a natural system of order. Look beside each soldier, and you will find the people who fight with them. The spouses, the sons, the daughters, the families.: we serve too. Their victories are our victories, their defeats are our defeats. Together, we fight for our freedom. For years, I have tried to be the perfect wife and mother. Each day, I disappoint myself. Human life isn't about perfection; it is about accepting the flawed.. the misguided parts of ourselves. We keep trying, we keep loving, we keep believing. I am proud of the role we play in maintaining peace, in our country and in the world. I am proud to stand beside a man whose integrity shines like a diamond in the dust. And I am proud to call myself an Army wife." -Army Wives
Monday, May 26, 2008
Happy Memorial Day
I downloaded Season 1 of Army Wives tonight. It's amazing how comforting it can be to know you aren't alone. I was on episode 3, and at the very end, the Colonel comes in and tells his wife there's been an accident. You then hear the news start talking about a Blackhawk crashing. It's a show. It's not real. Yet at the sound of those words, everything in me stopped.. I stoppped breathing, I stopped thinking.. the only thing I could feel was the distinct urge to throw up. THAT'S how it feels when you're husband is deployed, and you know that any second, something could go terribly wrong, and he would die. That fear is imbedded so far into you that a TV show says one line and you can feel yourself falling apart from the inside out. Most of you will not even be able to begin to imagine what that's like.. but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
You tell me one more time how I should live, I swear I'll bite your head off.
The McConnell's, the family I nanny for, spent the last week in Hawaii, so I ended up having a week and a half off of work. Today was my first day back, and I missed Mason terribly, so it's nice to be spending my day's with him again. While he was napping earlier, I was reading a parenting magazine, and it had this whole article on people giving you unwanted advice. Apparently, when you had kids, everyone, including complete strangers, feel they had the right to tell you what they think you're doing wrong.. or they do the whole condescending questioning thing such as: "Are you sure he's getting enough to eat?" or "Are you sure bathing her every day is a good idea?" The great part about the article is they tell you how to handle those people, whether strangers or family or friends, and even give you sarcastic phrases to use. Excellent.
Anyway, it got me thinking about the experience we (being me, Anna, and Ruth) had at Pet People in 4S Ranch yesterday. Dan and I don't have kids yet, but we take the "parenting" pets role very seriously.. especially with our puppy, Nandi (actually, she turns one this month.. weird to say dog instead of puppy). For those of you who haven't met Nandi, she hates new men and has serious aggression issues. Now, we have not taken these issues lightly. We've dished out a WHOLE LOT of money on personal trainers for her, and I've spent a lot of hours working with her on behavioral issues. She's SO much better now than she was say 5 months ago, and we've been told her aggression will continue to get better as long as we keep working with her. But here's the thing: not everyone agrees with our method of correction. I used to be one of those people who freaked out at the sight of a dog wearing what appeared to be a torturous device with spikes sticking out of it.. basically a training collar. When I spoke with Nandi's trainer in the first appointment, and he pulled one out, I almost kicked him out.. I believe the slang term for them is a "pinch collar." Now, before you all throw me to the wolves for torturing my dog, you need to understand that I would never do ANYTHING to Nandi that caused her pain.. the collar is not like the one's sold in Petco and such. They're imported from Germany, and the "spikes" aren't spikey.. they have very smooth, very rounded edges. Just to be safe.. this is how much I love her.. I made him put it on ME, and then I gave myself a correction like we would have to do with her, which is basically one quick jerk and then release. Definitely got my attention, but DID NOT HURT. Also, this training company explained that the term "pinch collar" comes from people buying the collar WAY to small, so when the dog tries to pull, their skin gets caught and pinched. Very sad. Nandi's is so loose, if she puts her head down far enough, it slides right off. AND, she doesn't wear it ALL the time, nor do I ever let her sleep in it. And it WORKS because it's being done the right way. We originally tried the whole Petco training class thing, but everything was based on food rewards, and I kept being told eventually she'd do things even if you don't have a treat. Nandi isn't stupid.. she's way too smart for her own good, and would ignore me if she wasn't positive I had food in my hand. You have to understand that my biggest fear is that she's going to bite someone (probably a guy.. ha ha) and really hurt them, and then I'll have to put her down to avoid a lawsuit.
But I digress. We went to Pet People yesterday to buy Nandi new dishes. With a title like "Pet People," one would assume the people working there know a thing or two about dogs. Apparently not. I've included a list of things, based on our experience there, that every person should know about dogs.. especially if you work in a pet store(yes, all of these were stuff the staff did, not any other customers):
1) When you are a child, generally your parents tell you to ASK before you just walk up and pet someone's dog. Why is it that that changes when you grow up? Why do adults think they can touch my dog without permission? Seriously, Nandi may look cute and charming, but the second she feels frightened or cornered, be prepared to watch her morph into a rabid wolf.
2) Whoever started the myth that the best way to approach a dog is by sticking your hand out for them to sniff needs to be dragged into the street and shot. One of the MOST aggressive or frightening moves you can make is to go to the dog and try and let them sniff you. As a matter of fact, you should NEVER EVER approach a dog you don't know and basically force yourself on them. Let THEM come to YOU. I've lost count of the amount of times people, especially men, have almost lost a limb because to Nandi, they were initiating aggression.. and if her choices are fight or flight, she almost always chooses fight. When I jump in and say, "DO NOT reach for her again, please," one of the cashiers seriously smirked because Nandi didn't snap at her. But COME ON! I know my dog better than ANYONE.. do not assume that you know better than I do.
3) You wouldn't give a child a bunch of candy without asking the parents first, especially when the child belongs to a complete stranger. Why do people think it's different with pets? Nandi has an extremely sensitive stomach.. I've only had her 8 months, and she's managed to do the whole vomiting/diarhea at least 6 times in that amount of time. Because of this, I rarely introduce her to new treats or food.. we've figured out what works, and we're sticking to that. Then we go into Pet People, and they obviously think they know better, so they start having her do her tricks and giving her treats.. WITHOUT my permission. If Nandi had gotten sick that night, I swear I would have marched back over there and make the staff come over and clean up the mess.
4) Why are you making my dog do tricks and practicing her obedience training? Again you don't even KNOW me, nor do you know my dog. I got the impression she was trying to make a point.. she most likely was anti-training collar (which makes her even a worse pet person because she's not educated in training). No, Nandi was not on her best behavior in the store. She was very good, just not how she normally is with me. My mother-in-law is like Nandi's grandma.. Nandi LOVES her, and grandma means lots of love and attention without as firm of a hand with her (which isn't really a bad thing). Anyway, she was holding Nandi's leash, and of the cashier's came up and started practicing stay with her.. with treats. She actually could have set Nandi back in her training by making her stay multiple times and for various amounts of time in order to get the treat.. a command that, at least with me, she does simply because I'm in charge. I really think she was trying to prove to me that Nandi was having trouble listening to Grandma, and decided that MY way of doing things doesn't work, and her way does. The thing is, I'm Nandi's pack leader.. the way she is when it's just me and her it TOTALLY different than when she's with other people. She obeys me.. most of the time with any hesitation (we are still working on not barking when she's not getting attention). Lastly on this point, some of Nandi's commands are in German. For example, "lay down" is "plotz." But of course, the girl didn't know that and was trying to teach Nandi to "lay down." Thanks, lady. I appreciate you acting like Little Miss Know it All when you've known my dog for all of 5 minutes.
So friends, to wrap it up I say: "Don't assume you know best about a dog you just met.. or a child for that matter." Little did the cashier know that Nandi can seem fine with you one second, but until you've coming around for a while, she's not as comfortable as she seems. Case and point, we had a game night a few months ago, and three of the guys who came are on Nandi's short list of men she loves: Max (my brother), Ryan, and Michael. But Max brought a friend, and Nandi was feeling defensive (she's SO protective of me and Anna.. she's even protective of Madeleine, our chihuahua.. I can't take them both to the vet at the same time because Nandi won't let the vet anywhere near Madeleine). Nandi SEEMED to have accepted Sean, Max's friend.. she crawled into his lap and licked him face and let him pet her (the way to win her over is to ignore her until she can't stand it anymore and needs to "make friends"). However, when you've only been around her for 2 hours, moving quickly is a terrible idea. Sean went to pass the paper for the game, and he moved too fast (he had to reach over Nandi) and she bit him.. she didn't like, make him bleed or anything, but it was still awful. While I'm pretty good about reading her body language and acting accordingly, this just happened too fast. So really, that cashier was asking to be bitten, since she knew best and all.
Ok, one more thing.. I know this is like a small novel. Nandi isn't a bad dog. We wanted a dog to protect the house, and that's exactly what God gave us. She's a shelter dog, and it's obvious she's been abused in the past. When she does act aggressively, part of it isn't her fault.. it's the fact that most people are completely uneducated on the proper ways to be around a new or strange dog. It isn't fair to completely write her off when she's reacting on instinct. It just takes time to help her understand the proper ways to deal with that instict. And once she really does accept you.. after she's been a round you a couple of times.. you're her friend for life.
Anyway, it got me thinking about the experience we (being me, Anna, and Ruth) had at Pet People in 4S Ranch yesterday. Dan and I don't have kids yet, but we take the "parenting" pets role very seriously.. especially with our puppy, Nandi (actually, she turns one this month.. weird to say dog instead of puppy). For those of you who haven't met Nandi, she hates new men and has serious aggression issues. Now, we have not taken these issues lightly. We've dished out a WHOLE LOT of money on personal trainers for her, and I've spent a lot of hours working with her on behavioral issues. She's SO much better now than she was say 5 months ago, and we've been told her aggression will continue to get better as long as we keep working with her. But here's the thing: not everyone agrees with our method of correction. I used to be one of those people who freaked out at the sight of a dog wearing what appeared to be a torturous device with spikes sticking out of it.. basically a training collar. When I spoke with Nandi's trainer in the first appointment, and he pulled one out, I almost kicked him out.. I believe the slang term for them is a "pinch collar." Now, before you all throw me to the wolves for torturing my dog, you need to understand that I would never do ANYTHING to Nandi that caused her pain.. the collar is not like the one's sold in Petco and such. They're imported from Germany, and the "spikes" aren't spikey.. they have very smooth, very rounded edges. Just to be safe.. this is how much I love her.. I made him put it on ME, and then I gave myself a correction like we would have to do with her, which is basically one quick jerk and then release. Definitely got my attention, but DID NOT HURT. Also, this training company explained that the term "pinch collar" comes from people buying the collar WAY to small, so when the dog tries to pull, their skin gets caught and pinched. Very sad. Nandi's is so loose, if she puts her head down far enough, it slides right off. AND, she doesn't wear it ALL the time, nor do I ever let her sleep in it. And it WORKS because it's being done the right way. We originally tried the whole Petco training class thing, but everything was based on food rewards, and I kept being told eventually she'd do things even if you don't have a treat. Nandi isn't stupid.. she's way too smart for her own good, and would ignore me if she wasn't positive I had food in my hand. You have to understand that my biggest fear is that she's going to bite someone (probably a guy.. ha ha) and really hurt them, and then I'll have to put her down to avoid a lawsuit.
But I digress. We went to Pet People yesterday to buy Nandi new dishes. With a title like "Pet People," one would assume the people working there know a thing or two about dogs. Apparently not. I've included a list of things, based on our experience there, that every person should know about dogs.. especially if you work in a pet store(yes, all of these were stuff the staff did, not any other customers):
1) When you are a child, generally your parents tell you to ASK before you just walk up and pet someone's dog. Why is it that that changes when you grow up? Why do adults think they can touch my dog without permission? Seriously, Nandi may look cute and charming, but the second she feels frightened or cornered, be prepared to watch her morph into a rabid wolf.
2) Whoever started the myth that the best way to approach a dog is by sticking your hand out for them to sniff needs to be dragged into the street and shot. One of the MOST aggressive or frightening moves you can make is to go to the dog and try and let them sniff you. As a matter of fact, you should NEVER EVER approach a dog you don't know and basically force yourself on them. Let THEM come to YOU. I've lost count of the amount of times people, especially men, have almost lost a limb because to Nandi, they were initiating aggression.. and if her choices are fight or flight, she almost always chooses fight. When I jump in and say, "DO NOT reach for her again, please," one of the cashiers seriously smirked because Nandi didn't snap at her. But COME ON! I know my dog better than ANYONE.. do not assume that you know better than I do.
3) You wouldn't give a child a bunch of candy without asking the parents first, especially when the child belongs to a complete stranger. Why do people think it's different with pets? Nandi has an extremely sensitive stomach.. I've only had her 8 months, and she's managed to do the whole vomiting/diarhea at least 6 times in that amount of time. Because of this, I rarely introduce her to new treats or food.. we've figured out what works, and we're sticking to that. Then we go into Pet People, and they obviously think they know better, so they start having her do her tricks and giving her treats.. WITHOUT my permission. If Nandi had gotten sick that night, I swear I would have marched back over there and make the staff come over and clean up the mess.
4) Why are you making my dog do tricks and practicing her obedience training? Again you don't even KNOW me, nor do you know my dog. I got the impression she was trying to make a point.. she most likely was anti-training collar (which makes her even a worse pet person because she's not educated in training). No, Nandi was not on her best behavior in the store. She was very good, just not how she normally is with me. My mother-in-law is like Nandi's grandma.. Nandi LOVES her, and grandma means lots of love and attention without as firm of a hand with her (which isn't really a bad thing). Anyway, she was holding Nandi's leash, and of the cashier's came up and started practicing stay with her.. with treats. She actually could have set Nandi back in her training by making her stay multiple times and for various amounts of time in order to get the treat.. a command that, at least with me, she does simply because I'm in charge. I really think she was trying to prove to me that Nandi was having trouble listening to Grandma, and decided that MY way of doing things doesn't work, and her way does. The thing is, I'm Nandi's pack leader.. the way she is when it's just me and her it TOTALLY different than when she's with other people. She obeys me.. most of the time with any hesitation (we are still working on not barking when she's not getting attention). Lastly on this point, some of Nandi's commands are in German. For example, "lay down" is "plotz." But of course, the girl didn't know that and was trying to teach Nandi to "lay down." Thanks, lady. I appreciate you acting like Little Miss Know it All when you've known my dog for all of 5 minutes.
So friends, to wrap it up I say: "Don't assume you know best about a dog you just met.. or a child for that matter." Little did the cashier know that Nandi can seem fine with you one second, but until you've coming around for a while, she's not as comfortable as she seems. Case and point, we had a game night a few months ago, and three of the guys who came are on Nandi's short list of men she loves: Max (my brother), Ryan, and Michael. But Max brought a friend, and Nandi was feeling defensive (she's SO protective of me and Anna.. she's even protective of Madeleine, our chihuahua.. I can't take them both to the vet at the same time because Nandi won't let the vet anywhere near Madeleine). Nandi SEEMED to have accepted Sean, Max's friend.. she crawled into his lap and licked him face and let him pet her (the way to win her over is to ignore her until she can't stand it anymore and needs to "make friends"). However, when you've only been around her for 2 hours, moving quickly is a terrible idea. Sean went to pass the paper for the game, and he moved too fast (he had to reach over Nandi) and she bit him.. she didn't like, make him bleed or anything, but it was still awful. While I'm pretty good about reading her body language and acting accordingly, this just happened too fast. So really, that cashier was asking to be bitten, since she knew best and all.
Ok, one more thing.. I know this is like a small novel. Nandi isn't a bad dog. We wanted a dog to protect the house, and that's exactly what God gave us. She's a shelter dog, and it's obvious she's been abused in the past. When she does act aggressively, part of it isn't her fault.. it's the fact that most people are completely uneducated on the proper ways to be around a new or strange dog. It isn't fair to completely write her off when she's reacting on instinct. It just takes time to help her understand the proper ways to deal with that instict. And once she really does accept you.. after she's been a round you a couple of times.. you're her friend for life.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Hallelujah
Your really have to listen to it to understand. It's originally by Jeff Buckley.
"Well I've heard that there's a secret cord
David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lifts
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah...
Well you had your faith
But you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
A beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya
Then she tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah...
Well, Baby, I have been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
You know I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
You know love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah...
Well there was a time when you let me know
Just what was really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do ya?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah...
Well maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who out drew ya
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah..."
"Well I've heard that there's a secret cord
David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lifts
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah...
Well you had your faith
But you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
A beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya
Then she tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah...
Well, Baby, I have been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
You know I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
You know love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah...
Well there was a time when you let me know
Just what was really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do ya?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah...
Well maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who out drew ya
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah..."
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Don't Bite Your Friends
Very good advice, indeed. These are the types of lessons I'm learning with Mason every morning from the kid shows. "Dont bite your friends" was on Yo Gabba Gabba two days ago. Why is it that kids tend to gravitate towards the MOST annoying shows on the planet? I can handle the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I can handle Go Diego Go.. I actually really DID learn something new from that show. Did you there are pink river dolphins? I totally thought the show writers were making that up because it sounded a little far fetched. So I looked it up. They exist. God obviously was feeling creative that day. :) Anyway, Yo Gabba Gabba is sort of like Teletubbies.. only worse. Think Teletubbies on speed. You understand. Mason absolutely LOVES that show.. turning it off is not an option. If I have to hear: "But first (the host, a rail thin black man who appears to be about 6'5", holds up his index finger), let's go back, and remember what we did today! (4 strange looking creatures with names like "Tootie" let out some sort of collective excited noise) Will you help me? (host makes army swinging motion while creatures yell "YEAH!") Can we dance? (host does some sort of booty/arm shake, creatures yell "YEAH!" once again) Let's do it! (said in some sort of rapper voice) Break it down! (points hands in a sort of gun pose towards the ground)." On the up side, at least the creatures speak English rather than some weird language all of their own.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
For kicks and giggles.
I've been pretty open with everyone about the fact that I'm back in counseling because I think there's this stigma of shame that people feel when having to admit they are seeing a therapist. In my opinion, this shame is ridiculous. I have yet to meet a single person who at some time or another would not have benefitted from some sort of therapy.. and I've met a LOT of people. Anyway, I was filling out the paperwork for my counselor last night, and some of the questions were pretty funny.. I thought I'd share them. Basically, it asks the question "In the last 7 days, how much were you distressed by:" and then you rate everything that follows on 5 different levels (from Not At All to Extremely). Sounds easy enough. It starts out with things like "crying easily" or "feeling low energy or slowed down".. normal stuff. Then I was asked about spending, and got totally confused because I wasn't aware that "periods of intense spending" and "periods of excessive spending" were two different things. Ten questions later, I literally laughed out loud when I read: "Having urges to beat, injure, or harm someone." Besides, I think having the urge and actually following through with said beating are two different things. Ha ha.
Here's where it gets REALLY good: "Feeling that you are watched by others." Ok, I didn't feel that way until I read that. Suddenly I felt the intense urge to go peak through the blinds and make sure there wasn't some random man sitting in a car staking out my apartment. "The idea that someone else controls your thoughts." Well, I hadn't felt that way until just this very moment.. I mean, what if my lack of worry over someone else controlling my thoughts is actually because someone IS controlling my thoughts and making me feel a lack of paranoia about them. "Hearing voices that other people do not hear." Well, now that you mention it... And does it count if it's Dan's voice making me feel guilty for doing something I know he'd be disappointed in me doing? "Other people being aware of your private thoughts." I suddenly had the urge to not think ANYTHING if people around me were reading my mind. I kind of felt like Arthur in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy when they're trying to save Trillion and have to walk through that field of shovels that smack you in the face everytime you think a thought. And of course, the second you're told NOT to think anything, you start thinking thoughts a mile a minute. "Having thoughts that are not your own." Does that really make you crazy? I'm pretty sure half the thoughts in my head were not put there by me, but rather are things I've kind of absorbed from other people. Unless they mean someone is like, implanting thoughts in my head without my permission. Now there's a creepy thought.
Disclaimer: This is all done in fun. Nobody better leave a comment about how I obviously AM crazy if I'm taking this stuff seriously. And I totally understand that these can be serious illnesses in some people.. but having been deemed "crazy" in the past, I feel I have the right to poke fun a little bit. :)
Here's where it gets REALLY good: "Feeling that you are watched by others." Ok, I didn't feel that way until I read that. Suddenly I felt the intense urge to go peak through the blinds and make sure there wasn't some random man sitting in a car staking out my apartment. "The idea that someone else controls your thoughts." Well, I hadn't felt that way until just this very moment.. I mean, what if my lack of worry over someone else controlling my thoughts is actually because someone IS controlling my thoughts and making me feel a lack of paranoia about them. "Hearing voices that other people do not hear." Well, now that you mention it... And does it count if it's Dan's voice making me feel guilty for doing something I know he'd be disappointed in me doing? "Other people being aware of your private thoughts." I suddenly had the urge to not think ANYTHING if people around me were reading my mind. I kind of felt like Arthur in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy when they're trying to save Trillion and have to walk through that field of shovels that smack you in the face everytime you think a thought. And of course, the second you're told NOT to think anything, you start thinking thoughts a mile a minute. "Having thoughts that are not your own." Does that really make you crazy? I'm pretty sure half the thoughts in my head were not put there by me, but rather are things I've kind of absorbed from other people. Unless they mean someone is like, implanting thoughts in my head without my permission. Now there's a creepy thought.
Disclaimer: This is all done in fun. Nobody better leave a comment about how I obviously AM crazy if I'm taking this stuff seriously. And I totally understand that these can be serious illnesses in some people.. but having been deemed "crazy" in the past, I feel I have the right to poke fun a little bit. :)
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Little Miss Obsessive
Ladies and gentleman, 7 WEEKS until Dan comes home for R&R! Very exciting.. and scary. Ha ha. It's not scary for him.. he had an incredible amount of faith in me.. which he should, because I would not stray from him.. I just don't understand how he isn't nervous about seeing me again after a year. Then there's me.. I'm convinced he's going to see me and be like "Why did I marry her again?" Not that he's ever given me a reason to think that way.. I'm just damaged I guess. BUT, I started going to counseling again last week. My counselor's name is Gina Taffi, and she works like, RIGHT on the beach in Solano Beach.. it was eerie to be there though since the shark attack. There was next to nobody in the beach parking lots, and even less on the actual beach. Creepy.
We are attempting to get Mason off the bottle. It's so sad. He's just so cute you want to give him whatever he wants.. but Mandy says that her doctor says that babies should be off the bottle by his or her first birthday, and Mason is like 16 months now, so we're slacking.
I don't have a whole lot to talk about.. My life is revolving around Mason and school right now. I'm leaving you with some quotes that have really stuck with me lately for whatever reason. Take them as you want.
"Then, when I'd washed the dishes, I arranged the magnets on the fridge into a perfect line. Maybe I was developing obsessive-compulsive disorder. The last two magnets - round black untalitarian pieces that were my favorites because they could hold ten sheets of paper to the fridge without breaking a sweat - did not want to cooperate with my fixation. Their polarities were reversed; every time I tried to line the last one up, the other jumped out of place. For some reason - impending mania, perhaps - this really irritated me. Why couldn't they just play nice? Stupid with stubbornness, I kept shoving them together as if I was expecting them to suddenly give up. I could have flipped one over, but that felt like losing. Finally, exasperated at myself more than the magnets, I pulled them from the fridge and held them together with two hands. It took a little effort - they were strong enough to put up a fight - but I forced them to coexist side-by-side. 'See,' I said out loud - talking to unanimate objects, never a good sign - 'That's not so horrible, is it?' I stood there like an idiot for a second, not quite able to admit that I wasn't having any lasting effect against scientific principles. Then, with a sigh, I put the magnets back on the fridge, a foot apart. 'There's no need to be so inflexible,' I muttered. It was still too early, but I decided I'd better get out of the house before the inanimate objects started talking back." - Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
"And there you see the distinction between our feelings: had he been in my place and I in his, thought I hated him with a hatred that turned my life to gall, I never would have raised a hand against him. You may look incredulous, if you please! I never would have banished him from her society as long as she desired his. The moment her regard ceased, I would have torn his heart out, and drank his blood! But, till then - if you don't believe me, you don't know me - till then, I would have died by inches before I touched a single hair of his head!" - Wuthering Heights
"'And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.'
'What a stupid lamb.'
'What a sick masochistic lion.'" - Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?" - Grey's Anatomy
"'Chin up. Put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little. Don't lick your wounds: celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You're in a lion fight. Just because you didn't win, doesn't mean you don't know how to roar.'" - Chief of Surgery, Grey's Anatomy
We are attempting to get Mason off the bottle. It's so sad. He's just so cute you want to give him whatever he wants.. but Mandy says that her doctor says that babies should be off the bottle by his or her first birthday, and Mason is like 16 months now, so we're slacking.
I don't have a whole lot to talk about.. My life is revolving around Mason and school right now. I'm leaving you with some quotes that have really stuck with me lately for whatever reason. Take them as you want.
"Then, when I'd washed the dishes, I arranged the magnets on the fridge into a perfect line. Maybe I was developing obsessive-compulsive disorder. The last two magnets - round black untalitarian pieces that were my favorites because they could hold ten sheets of paper to the fridge without breaking a sweat - did not want to cooperate with my fixation. Their polarities were reversed; every time I tried to line the last one up, the other jumped out of place. For some reason - impending mania, perhaps - this really irritated me. Why couldn't they just play nice? Stupid with stubbornness, I kept shoving them together as if I was expecting them to suddenly give up. I could have flipped one over, but that felt like losing. Finally, exasperated at myself more than the magnets, I pulled them from the fridge and held them together with two hands. It took a little effort - they were strong enough to put up a fight - but I forced them to coexist side-by-side. 'See,' I said out loud - talking to unanimate objects, never a good sign - 'That's not so horrible, is it?' I stood there like an idiot for a second, not quite able to admit that I wasn't having any lasting effect against scientific principles. Then, with a sigh, I put the magnets back on the fridge, a foot apart. 'There's no need to be so inflexible,' I muttered. It was still too early, but I decided I'd better get out of the house before the inanimate objects started talking back." - Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
"And there you see the distinction between our feelings: had he been in my place and I in his, thought I hated him with a hatred that turned my life to gall, I never would have raised a hand against him. You may look incredulous, if you please! I never would have banished him from her society as long as she desired his. The moment her regard ceased, I would have torn his heart out, and drank his blood! But, till then - if you don't believe me, you don't know me - till then, I would have died by inches before I touched a single hair of his head!" - Wuthering Heights
"'And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.'
'What a stupid lamb.'
'What a sick masochistic lion.'" - Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?" - Grey's Anatomy
"'Chin up. Put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little. Don't lick your wounds: celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You're in a lion fight. Just because you didn't win, doesn't mean you don't know how to roar.'" - Chief of Surgery, Grey's Anatomy
Friday, April 25, 2008
Ok, I lied.
Funny how you can feel one way about something one day, and then feel totally different the next. Maybe it was the time in Chico.. I don't know.. but I had been feeling so comfortable in my own skin. I felt.. well.. good, I guess. It could be that there's been so much going on since I returned home that I've been sleeping very little.. we all know how lack of sleep makes you a little emotional and sometimes crazy. At any rate, I'm feeling a little down. It's hard to have people in your life who seem to enjoy pointing your faults out to you.. like somehow it makes them feel better about themselves. Or maybe she's just negative.. I don't really know. Now, the fact that this is normal behavior for said person should make me feel better.. knowing I'm not the only one she does it to, and knowing she probably doesn't even understand that she's hurting me. But all I feel is lame.. definitely WAY below the "good enough" par. So in retaliation, I throw myself into my schoolwork.. I clean.. I work- out.. I do all this stuff that I feel like will make me a better person if I can do it perfectly. It SOUNDS like I'm leading a healthy lifestyle by doing those things, but really it's my unhealthy mind driving it. So does it count as living healthy if your reasons for doing it are to somehow show certain people that you're better than they think?
It was a LONG day at work today. I love Mason, but I really reconsidered the whole having kids thing today. First, after he took his morning nap, he puked all over himself and his crib.. poor little guy. It was so sad. And smelly. I was really concerned why he was vomiting all of a sudden, so I stuck him in the bathtub (it had barely any water in it), and ran down the stairs to grab the house phone, and then ran back up. I think I was gone a total of like, 5 seconds MAYBE. When I get back into the bathroom, he has managed to not only poop in the bath water, but it playing with the poop. I thought I was going to die. For those of you who don't know, I am a SERIOUS germaphobe. I CANNOT handle bacteria and germs. There's exactly two people living in my apartment, and I've bought enough cleaning supplies with antibacterial stuff or bleach in it, I could probably open my own store. Half a bottle of bleach, scalding water, and a can of Lysol disinfectant spray later, I put Mason back in the bath and finished cleaning him up. At 2:30, Tracy, Mason's old nanny, dropped Maddy off (the 11 month old I used to watch with Mason) for three hours so that she could get a headstart on the traffic up to Santa Barbara. This was pretty much a terrible idea. Mason is NOT used to sharing me, and he didn't like it at ALL. He would SCREAM and cry if I picked Maddy up (which was sort of necessary since Mason can walk and Maddy can't), spent half the the three hours clinging to my pant leg like that would somehow get Maddy to see that I was HIS territory, and would snatch any toy Maddy picked up. Plus, although Maddy can't walk, she does crawl.. and that child is like a rocket.. not to mention the fact that she officially is obsessed with climbing stairs that she's bound to break her neck on. I'm not sure how my mom survived having twins.. I watched the two babies for 3 hours and was so tired, I felt like I was going to fall over.
It is funny to me how once women reach their young 20's, they start to like, hormonally want a baby. I know a lot of guys think women are just baby crazy, but in reality, we almost can't help it. Amanda and I were discussing this up in Chico.. how it seems like we hit 23 and the hormones kicked in and it's baby fever all the time. Her soon to be sister in law, Michelle, is 26 and says it just gets worst the older you get. Ugh. So not fun. Even after such a horrendous day, when I talked to my mother in law, she informed me that Dan's cousin is 5 months pregnant and my hormones went all crazy again. I mean, part of my isn't in any hurry.. but it's hard when it feels like all your married friends and family are starting families, and you're still waiting. I KNOW it will happen in God's timing, but that doesn't always make it easy. Stupid hormones.
I miss Amanda. And Chico. Boo.
It was a LONG day at work today. I love Mason, but I really reconsidered the whole having kids thing today. First, after he took his morning nap, he puked all over himself and his crib.. poor little guy. It was so sad. And smelly. I was really concerned why he was vomiting all of a sudden, so I stuck him in the bathtub (it had barely any water in it), and ran down the stairs to grab the house phone, and then ran back up. I think I was gone a total of like, 5 seconds MAYBE. When I get back into the bathroom, he has managed to not only poop in the bath water, but it playing with the poop. I thought I was going to die. For those of you who don't know, I am a SERIOUS germaphobe. I CANNOT handle bacteria and germs. There's exactly two people living in my apartment, and I've bought enough cleaning supplies with antibacterial stuff or bleach in it, I could probably open my own store. Half a bottle of bleach, scalding water, and a can of Lysol disinfectant spray later, I put Mason back in the bath and finished cleaning him up. At 2:30, Tracy, Mason's old nanny, dropped Maddy off (the 11 month old I used to watch with Mason) for three hours so that she could get a headstart on the traffic up to Santa Barbara. This was pretty much a terrible idea. Mason is NOT used to sharing me, and he didn't like it at ALL. He would SCREAM and cry if I picked Maddy up (which was sort of necessary since Mason can walk and Maddy can't), spent half the the three hours clinging to my pant leg like that would somehow get Maddy to see that I was HIS territory, and would snatch any toy Maddy picked up. Plus, although Maddy can't walk, she does crawl.. and that child is like a rocket.. not to mention the fact that she officially is obsessed with climbing stairs that she's bound to break her neck on. I'm not sure how my mom survived having twins.. I watched the two babies for 3 hours and was so tired, I felt like I was going to fall over.
It is funny to me how once women reach their young 20's, they start to like, hormonally want a baby. I know a lot of guys think women are just baby crazy, but in reality, we almost can't help it. Amanda and I were discussing this up in Chico.. how it seems like we hit 23 and the hormones kicked in and it's baby fever all the time. Her soon to be sister in law, Michelle, is 26 and says it just gets worst the older you get. Ugh. So not fun. Even after such a horrendous day, when I talked to my mother in law, she informed me that Dan's cousin is 5 months pregnant and my hormones went all crazy again. I mean, part of my isn't in any hurry.. but it's hard when it feels like all your married friends and family are starting families, and you're still waiting. I KNOW it will happen in God's timing, but that doesn't always make it easy. Stupid hormones.
I miss Amanda. And Chico. Boo.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
You Start to Wonder Why You're Here Not There
I went to visit my good friend Amanda in Chico this last week. We've now been friends for over a decade, and I wonder how we all of sudden are old enough to be able to say that. Yeah, yeah.. I know.. We're still young.. But sometimes it really doesn't feel that way. At any rate, I had a great time.. but I'm thinking maybe I'm not cut out to be a "normal" college student. Of course, being three years into marriage, thinking about having kids, and having grown up way faster than I should have might have something to do with it.
I have been struggling a lot lately with people who think they've had to face challenges in life when in reality, they don't understand how blessed they are. I've tried really hard to be one of those people who understands that what is incredibly hard for one person may be a cake walk to another who has been through more.. I try really hard not to compare lives.. but sometimes it's just too much and I feel like smacking people in the head. I know a lot of it has to do with immaturity.. most young adults think they know it all when in reality, they know squat. I think my biggest struggle is when said people complain about their lives, or write crazy emo blogs, or always negative, and really, they have no reason to be. Seriously, people. Let's learn to count our blessings, shall we?
I think I'm going through a weird growing up stage. Or maybe it's not so weird.. Dan kept telling me it would happen eventually, but I always thought he was crazy. Ha ha. I'm learning not to care what people think about me. Most of you don't know how huge of a struggle this is for me. While I tend to come off as having a pretty firm backbone in dealing with other people, it REALLY bothers me when I'm not well liked. I have spent considerable time and energy in the past trying to be this person that in my mind was perfect.. and I failed miserably. The bottom line is you can't make everyone happy all the time, so you have to pick your battles and say what you need to say and then just let go. In the past two months, I've had a couple of relationships sort of end in one way or another. Sometimes it is stuff I've done, sometimes it's stuff the other person has done, and sometimes it's both. I'm learning that friendships tend to go through cycles.. people I was close to a year ago are NOT the same people I'm close to know.. and somehow I'm finally ok with that. Like, I know that when I'm back in Germany, for example, I'll still be good friends with Jill despite both of us having such hectic lives that we rarely get to talk anymore (you'll always the static cling to my dryer sheet!).. and I think that's how friendship should be. And sometimes friendships will run their course and then end, and that's okay, too. As kids, it somehow gets set in your mind that you HAVE to stay friends with people forever, and that isn't reality.. it needs to be okay to step back and move on rather than torturing yourself in relationships you aren't benefiting from in any way. Hopefully, there WILL be people that you stay friends with forever, but every friend is a forever friend.
I still am struggling, however, with getting over family members deciding they do not like you. I guess I have this really old fashioned, conservative view of family that you should always have each other's backs. It's what I was brought up to believe, anyway. Both my parents come from large families, and seeing them all interact was awesome. Don't get me wrong.. there are for SURE issues that crop up as time goes on (especially since women tend to be snippy and petty).. but it seems to me that you never give up on family. I've been thinking about this a lot because today my brother, Max, was asked to move out of my parents house due to literally YEARS worth of breaking the rules and rebellion. My problem is not with my dad and stepmom at all.. I know their hearts, and I know first hand what is like to live with Max and put up with his crap. My problem is that everyone has an opinion about it.. so I'm informing everyone now that I don't want to hear it. I seriously cannot handle people who think they know what should be done in a situation they have never been in themselves or experienced first hand. People always tend to say "I would never do that" or "I would never allow that to happen," when in reality, they don't know what they would or would not do. Sure, I'd like to think for example that if someone had a gun to my head and asked if I believed in God, and I KNEW I was going to die if I said yes, I would like to think I would be honest and admit my faith. However, since I've never actually been asked that question with a gun pointed at my head, I can't say without a shadow of a doubt that I would be brave enough to say yes. I don't think anyone can. Or take for example those abused women you see on like Oprah or whatever.. I remember seeing women in terrible relationships where the guy controls EVERYTHING and thinking "How stupid are these women? That will never be me!" Yet at 19, I found myself in the exact same position.. I was in a relationship with a guy who simply tried to hold on too tightly and I became his everything. And the whole time all I could think was, "How did I get here?!" Later, when I shared my testimony with the high school girls at my church, a lot of the girls took on my stance of "I would never do that." And yet, within a couple years, half those girls had dated guys that were bad news. Really, I think it's best to avoid the word "never" all together. God will seriously show you stuff about yourself you'd rather not see if you start pulling the never talk.
Dan comes home in two months!! We're officially in countdown mode!! So exciting and scary all at the same time! We're looking forward to a trip planned to Big Bear for a few days.. I'm determined to go para sailing, but we'll see how gutsy I'm really feeling once we're up there. Dan left the remote area he has been in for the last few weeks, which is a huge relief for me.. we can now go back to talking like every day. In other news, while I was in Chico, my little guy, Mason, that I nanny for started walking. He had started doing the whole wobbly, ten-step, pregnant woman walk before I left, but now he powers around the house. It's crazy! He's growing so fast.. it makes me sad to think I'll feel like my own kids are growing even faster.
To close, let me leave with some tips for all you single guys out there that I learned while in Chico:
1) Telling a girl she has a "nice aura" does not make you sound deep, it makes you sound like you're on drugs and perhaps a little crazy.
2) Showing a girl pictures of porn you've downloaded to your cell phone is not going to get you into her pants. In fact, you'll be lucky if she doesn't run away screaming about the pervert with the gross cell phone.
3) Asking a girl what she thinks of another girls boobs is not a wise conversation starter. Asking her if she'd rather be a grizzly bear or a koala bear, however, is.
4) Calling a girl some type of candy generally makes us laugh.. but know that it's AT you, not WITH you.
5) Unless the girl is a total slut, she's going to want to get to know you before you start making grabs at her butt. Less than 24 minutes is not an ample amount of time.
6) Playing with a married woman's hair: bad. Tickling a married woman: worse. Reaching around and grabbing a married woman's boobs: going to get you knocked out.
7) When offering a girl a place to sleep, make sure she understands you do not mean with the shovels in the backyard shed.
8) If you've been drinking to the point that you are projectile vomiting into the bushes and all over the patio, a girl high-tailing it out of there is not a "heartless bitch." She's merely attempting to not start projectile vomiting herself from the smell and inevitably making the whole situation worse.
To be continued, I'm sure. :)
I have been struggling a lot lately with people who think they've had to face challenges in life when in reality, they don't understand how blessed they are. I've tried really hard to be one of those people who understands that what is incredibly hard for one person may be a cake walk to another who has been through more.. I try really hard not to compare lives.. but sometimes it's just too much and I feel like smacking people in the head. I know a lot of it has to do with immaturity.. most young adults think they know it all when in reality, they know squat. I think my biggest struggle is when said people complain about their lives, or write crazy emo blogs, or always negative, and really, they have no reason to be. Seriously, people. Let's learn to count our blessings, shall we?
I think I'm going through a weird growing up stage. Or maybe it's not so weird.. Dan kept telling me it would happen eventually, but I always thought he was crazy. Ha ha. I'm learning not to care what people think about me. Most of you don't know how huge of a struggle this is for me. While I tend to come off as having a pretty firm backbone in dealing with other people, it REALLY bothers me when I'm not well liked. I have spent considerable time and energy in the past trying to be this person that in my mind was perfect.. and I failed miserably. The bottom line is you can't make everyone happy all the time, so you have to pick your battles and say what you need to say and then just let go. In the past two months, I've had a couple of relationships sort of end in one way or another. Sometimes it is stuff I've done, sometimes it's stuff the other person has done, and sometimes it's both. I'm learning that friendships tend to go through cycles.. people I was close to a year ago are NOT the same people I'm close to know.. and somehow I'm finally ok with that. Like, I know that when I'm back in Germany, for example, I'll still be good friends with Jill despite both of us having such hectic lives that we rarely get to talk anymore (you'll always the static cling to my dryer sheet!).. and I think that's how friendship should be. And sometimes friendships will run their course and then end, and that's okay, too. As kids, it somehow gets set in your mind that you HAVE to stay friends with people forever, and that isn't reality.. it needs to be okay to step back and move on rather than torturing yourself in relationships you aren't benefiting from in any way. Hopefully, there WILL be people that you stay friends with forever, but every friend is a forever friend.
I still am struggling, however, with getting over family members deciding they do not like you. I guess I have this really old fashioned, conservative view of family that you should always have each other's backs. It's what I was brought up to believe, anyway. Both my parents come from large families, and seeing them all interact was awesome. Don't get me wrong.. there are for SURE issues that crop up as time goes on (especially since women tend to be snippy and petty).. but it seems to me that you never give up on family. I've been thinking about this a lot because today my brother, Max, was asked to move out of my parents house due to literally YEARS worth of breaking the rules and rebellion. My problem is not with my dad and stepmom at all.. I know their hearts, and I know first hand what is like to live with Max and put up with his crap. My problem is that everyone has an opinion about it.. so I'm informing everyone now that I don't want to hear it. I seriously cannot handle people who think they know what should be done in a situation they have never been in themselves or experienced first hand. People always tend to say "I would never do that" or "I would never allow that to happen," when in reality, they don't know what they would or would not do. Sure, I'd like to think for example that if someone had a gun to my head and asked if I believed in God, and I KNEW I was going to die if I said yes, I would like to think I would be honest and admit my faith. However, since I've never actually been asked that question with a gun pointed at my head, I can't say without a shadow of a doubt that I would be brave enough to say yes. I don't think anyone can. Or take for example those abused women you see on like Oprah or whatever.. I remember seeing women in terrible relationships where the guy controls EVERYTHING and thinking "How stupid are these women? That will never be me!" Yet at 19, I found myself in the exact same position.. I was in a relationship with a guy who simply tried to hold on too tightly and I became his everything. And the whole time all I could think was, "How did I get here?!" Later, when I shared my testimony with the high school girls at my church, a lot of the girls took on my stance of "I would never do that." And yet, within a couple years, half those girls had dated guys that were bad news. Really, I think it's best to avoid the word "never" all together. God will seriously show you stuff about yourself you'd rather not see if you start pulling the never talk.
Dan comes home in two months!! We're officially in countdown mode!! So exciting and scary all at the same time! We're looking forward to a trip planned to Big Bear for a few days.. I'm determined to go para sailing, but we'll see how gutsy I'm really feeling once we're up there. Dan left the remote area he has been in for the last few weeks, which is a huge relief for me.. we can now go back to talking like every day. In other news, while I was in Chico, my little guy, Mason, that I nanny for started walking. He had started doing the whole wobbly, ten-step, pregnant woman walk before I left, but now he powers around the house. It's crazy! He's growing so fast.. it makes me sad to think I'll feel like my own kids are growing even faster.
To close, let me leave with some tips for all you single guys out there that I learned while in Chico:
1) Telling a girl she has a "nice aura" does not make you sound deep, it makes you sound like you're on drugs and perhaps a little crazy.
2) Showing a girl pictures of porn you've downloaded to your cell phone is not going to get you into her pants. In fact, you'll be lucky if she doesn't run away screaming about the pervert with the gross cell phone.
3) Asking a girl what she thinks of another girls boobs is not a wise conversation starter. Asking her if she'd rather be a grizzly bear or a koala bear, however, is.
4) Calling a girl some type of candy generally makes us laugh.. but know that it's AT you, not WITH you.
5) Unless the girl is a total slut, she's going to want to get to know you before you start making grabs at her butt. Less than 24 minutes is not an ample amount of time.
6) Playing with a married woman's hair: bad. Tickling a married woman: worse. Reaching around and grabbing a married woman's boobs: going to get you knocked out.
7) When offering a girl a place to sleep, make sure she understands you do not mean with the shovels in the backyard shed.
8) If you've been drinking to the point that you are projectile vomiting into the bushes and all over the patio, a girl high-tailing it out of there is not a "heartless bitch." She's merely attempting to not start projectile vomiting herself from the smell and inevitably making the whole situation worse.
To be continued, I'm sure. :)
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I'll take the hurricane.
Man, it's been a rough couple of weeks. However, as the Bible says: "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me" (2 Corinthians 12:9). I have definitely been feeling weak.. in more areas than one.
I was sick from Friday until Tuesday of this last weekend. It SERIOUSLY sucked. I didn't even get out of bed for four days (aside from like, peeing, and that took effort), and threw up so much I got all crazy dehydrated. So then I had to go to urgent care and get IV's and three different medications. Fantastic. I normally have great veins, but they were so "dry", the nurse missed the first time. Now the inside of my right arm pretty much looks like I've been shooting up. The cool thing about getting sick was I reminded how great my family and friends are. I am loved, and that's always an awesome feeling.
Other than the physical sickness, I'm pretty emotionally sick these days as well. I think I just get overwhelmed. I'm not like, depressed or anything.. there's just a lot going on. There have been several people lately, people who are SUPER close to me, that I've had to practice tough love with. It really isn't any fun at all. What sucks is I end up feeling guilty. Even if I KNOW I'm totally in the right, these people know how to act and exactly what to say to make me feel like the worst and most cruel person on the planet. I've cried a LOT. I just have to trust that I'm doing what is right, and what is Biblical, and try not to dwell on it.. much easier said than done.
Seminary is insane right now as well. There was a huge mix-up with a bunch of students in one of my classes.. half my classmates had tests that never reached their destination, including my own. It ended up being a good thing in the end though.. long story, but it's awesome how God steps in and helps you out right when you need it. My next two classes started on the first, but for some reason, I didn't get the keys to it until the 7th. This means that I not only have to re-take the test from my last class, I'm also trying to play two weeks of catch-up. My student advisor has no idea why the got sent late, but luckily I'm not going to lose points in my classes. School is a tad overwhelming at the moment. I know it will be worth it in the end, and usually I totally love it.. but we all have weeks where we're just burned out.
I've also been having a lot of friend issues that I won't even go into. Sigh. Satan is on the offense in my life right now, for sure. But ya know, in all honesty, I kind of like so much going on. Yeah, it's stressful and overwhelming, but at least it isn't boring. I see some of the lives around me, and I would much rather being growing as a person and in Christ than not have anything going on at all. I'm a firm believer that, especially for Christians, if you honestly do not ever have any trials or hard times or whatever, you're doing something wrong. If Satan does not at least attack you every once in a while, that probably means you're living a life not worth attacking because you are not a threat. I want to be a threat, so, as the song says below, I'll take the hurricane.
"Saw first sight of a fire
Stepped right up to the flame
Could have taken my time
But I'm really not the type
To be shaken by what have
I was up for the fight
Pulled out into the water
Lost myself in the waves
I didn't really care
If all in love's not fair
I was going nowhere
And I was already there
Could have left town that night
Found a good place to hide
In the safety of a landslide
Far away from you
Could have just saved my life
Found higher ground to climb
Ask me to choose between
The boring and the pouring rain
I'll take the hurricane
Taped my heart to a window
Watched you shatter the glass
I was laughing all the while
Like an intoxicated child
Denying my denial
Guess I needed something wild
Should've left town that night
Found a good place to hide
In the safety of a landslide
Far away from you
Could have just saved my life
Found higher ground to climb
Ask me to choose between
The boring and the pouring rain
I'll take the hurricane
Guess I started the fire
Stepped right into the flame
I'll take the hurricane."
-Angie Mattson
I was sick from Friday until Tuesday of this last weekend. It SERIOUSLY sucked. I didn't even get out of bed for four days (aside from like, peeing, and that took effort), and threw up so much I got all crazy dehydrated. So then I had to go to urgent care and get IV's and three different medications. Fantastic. I normally have great veins, but they were so "dry", the nurse missed the first time. Now the inside of my right arm pretty much looks like I've been shooting up. The cool thing about getting sick was I reminded how great my family and friends are. I am loved, and that's always an awesome feeling.
Other than the physical sickness, I'm pretty emotionally sick these days as well. I think I just get overwhelmed. I'm not like, depressed or anything.. there's just a lot going on. There have been several people lately, people who are SUPER close to me, that I've had to practice tough love with. It really isn't any fun at all. What sucks is I end up feeling guilty. Even if I KNOW I'm totally in the right, these people know how to act and exactly what to say to make me feel like the worst and most cruel person on the planet. I've cried a LOT. I just have to trust that I'm doing what is right, and what is Biblical, and try not to dwell on it.. much easier said than done.
Seminary is insane right now as well. There was a huge mix-up with a bunch of students in one of my classes.. half my classmates had tests that never reached their destination, including my own. It ended up being a good thing in the end though.. long story, but it's awesome how God steps in and helps you out right when you need it. My next two classes started on the first, but for some reason, I didn't get the keys to it until the 7th. This means that I not only have to re-take the test from my last class, I'm also trying to play two weeks of catch-up. My student advisor has no idea why the got sent late, but luckily I'm not going to lose points in my classes. School is a tad overwhelming at the moment. I know it will be worth it in the end, and usually I totally love it.. but we all have weeks where we're just burned out.
I've also been having a lot of friend issues that I won't even go into. Sigh. Satan is on the offense in my life right now, for sure. But ya know, in all honesty, I kind of like so much going on. Yeah, it's stressful and overwhelming, but at least it isn't boring. I see some of the lives around me, and I would much rather being growing as a person and in Christ than not have anything going on at all. I'm a firm believer that, especially for Christians, if you honestly do not ever have any trials or hard times or whatever, you're doing something wrong. If Satan does not at least attack you every once in a while, that probably means you're living a life not worth attacking because you are not a threat. I want to be a threat, so, as the song says below, I'll take the hurricane.
"Saw first sight of a fire
Stepped right up to the flame
Could have taken my time
But I'm really not the type
To be shaken by what have
I was up for the fight
Pulled out into the water
Lost myself in the waves
I didn't really care
If all in love's not fair
I was going nowhere
And I was already there
Could have left town that night
Found a good place to hide
In the safety of a landslide
Far away from you
Could have just saved my life
Found higher ground to climb
Ask me to choose between
The boring and the pouring rain
I'll take the hurricane
Taped my heart to a window
Watched you shatter the glass
I was laughing all the while
Like an intoxicated child
Denying my denial
Guess I needed something wild
Should've left town that night
Found a good place to hide
In the safety of a landslide
Far away from you
Could have just saved my life
Found higher ground to climb
Ask me to choose between
The boring and the pouring rain
I'll take the hurricane
Guess I started the fire
Stepped right into the flame
I'll take the hurricane."
-Angie Mattson
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Oh, woe to me.
If you can tell me what movie that line is from, I'll give you a cookie! ;) Look at me blogging after only two days! See, I'm making an effort. If only I had this much motivation every day of the week...
SO! Watching shows like "Kids Say the Darndest Things" (I'm having issues with the word darndest. Surely that it is not in fact an actual word.) always makes me laugh. It also makes me take a step back and think about when I was a child how I misinterpreted the world around me. From a kid's perspective, things get pretty jumbled up, and generally parents have no idea their kids are even confused. Example? I grew up in the church. My parents were die hard Jesus freaks and so every Sunday morning, I would first attend Sunday School and then be dragged into what became known as "Big Church." Where my siblings, peers, and I got this phrase is still up for debate.. I think it had something to do with the fact that grown-ups were bigger than we were. At any rate, I have very vivid memories of the times spent in worship. Most of the songs I learned by heart long before I could read, so sometimes the actual lyrics to the hymn versus what I was hearing around did not always match up. I clearly remember standing between my mom and my dad as a four year old, singing at the top of my lungs: "He is exalted, the King is exalted, and I, I will praise Him!" Little did my parents know that I had no idea what the word "exalted" meant. In fact, my little girl brain registered "exalted" as "salted," and I spent numerous nights pondering why in the world we would want to salt Jesus. But who was I to question the often bizarre and absurd world our parents lived in? You know what I'm talking about.. that strange, almost 4th dimensional realm that, as kids, we saw adults circulating in. Grown-ups had strange grooming rituals ("Mommy, why are you putting that green slime on your face?") and even stranger mating habits (we all remember how our faces contorted in horror upon being given the knowledge of procreation). I can only imagine how much Mason (the little guy I nanny for) is picking up from me. I tend to spend a lot of time talking to him as if he were an adult rather than a child.. sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it. I will jabber on and on about life and things he should know and what surfaces or objects he should avoid because they are crawling with germs and deadly bacteria that could, at any given moment, stage a coupe against our healthy immune systems. And while we're on the subject of nasty amoeba's, if you have a child that is still in the phases where they want to stick everything in their mouth, I strongly suggest NOT having a cat that is allowed both indoors and outdoors. I almost had heart failure when I noticed Mason chewing on something, only to discover it was a feather from a dead bird the cat, Milton, had dragged into the house and generously deposited on the rug in the hallway in front of the bathroom.. I was convinced Mason had become infected with some horrid bird disease.
With all that said, it's funny how we, as adults, take certain things for granted. I'm not talking about people or money or what not, I'm talking about things that just are. Case and point? The garbage disposal. When was the last time you really sat down and thought long and hard about how the garbage disposal works and where all that junk in the sink goes? Well, my last time was in fact today. Our sink has had a leak for heaven only knows how long now, and neither Anna nor I have gotten around to call in the little man to fix it. We were not surprised when the sink started backing up. But when Anna turned on the garbage disposal, the problem made itself more than apparent. I said to her, from my spot across the room on the couch, that it appeared to be broken, and she agreed. She then mentioned that she had tried to collect all of the little ends of the Otter Pops I had cut off into the sink, but maybe some had escaped. I stared at her blankly. I had no idea what Otter Pop ends had to do with our congested sink. Anna, in her calm and patient manner, said to me, "Plastic isn't biodegradable." Again, a blank stare. I KNOW plastic isn't biodegradable, but again, what did that have to do with the kitchen sink? All of a sudden, I started to feel the earth tilt on it's axis.. something was not right. Anna obviously knew something that I did not. This brings us back to the idea of things that just ARE. In Amber World, word association is a must. Because the term "garbage disposal" has the word garbage in it, I immediately assumed that anything you throw down the sink inevitably ends up at the garbage dump with last night's leftovers and Dan's holey sock. Apparently, friends, this is not the case. My entire life, I just assumed that anything that was small enough to fit in the sink hole and also frail enough to be chopped up in the disposal's metal teeth were fair game. But this is just not so. In fact, the garbage disposal actually ends up dumping into the sewer system along with the water being flushed with it (how I did not put those two together, I don't know). So really, we shouldn't be putting anything down the garbage disposal other than maybe food debris left over from dinner. Plastic Otter Pop tops are a definite no no, along with all the hard artichoke pieces I recall trying to jam down there... that body was probably a bad idea.. hmmmm.. ;)
I seriously do not know how I have gone through my entire life not knowing where the garbage disposal leads. In Germany, we didn't even HAVE a garbage disposal, so apparently the magic only happens in the United States. But it makes me a little nervous.. I mean, how many other things do I take for granted? I remember the first time I had to pull the garbage out to the curb because Dan was out in the field. The first time around, I forgot all together. Apparently, the garbage man does not have time to drag my garbage out from the backyard. German trash only gets picked up every other week, so by the time the NEXT garbage day rolled around, I was more than ready to get it out of my house before it grew legs or started talking. But get this! There is no magic "Trash Can Return" fairy! After days of our garbage cans being the only ones still sitting out on the street, the little old lady downstairs ended up dragging them back behind the house herself. Dan always did it without talking about it, so it never even crossed my mind that I would need to put them back. Along those same lines is my problem with washing my own car. I have four brothers and two dads, so there has never been any need for me to wash or clean out my own car. All I knew was that every couple of months, I would walk out to my car and find it fresh as a daisy with a wax job to boot. Obviously, the Car Wash Fairy had been running amock the night before. Imagine my surpirse when, upon getting married, my car started to get dirtier and dirtier without any explaination as to why. I had assumed Dan would be the new Car Wash Fairy. I guess the tights didn't fit.
Anyway, it's late, and I have to work bright and early tomorrow morning. I will be spending the day trying to refrain from using any words that Mason may subconsciously be storing away to use as blackmail against me when he goes through his terrible two's. Oh, and P.S., I looked it up. Damndest is a word, and therefore darndest gets to be a word by default.
SO! Watching shows like "Kids Say the Darndest Things" (I'm having issues with the word darndest. Surely that it is not in fact an actual word.) always makes me laugh. It also makes me take a step back and think about when I was a child how I misinterpreted the world around me. From a kid's perspective, things get pretty jumbled up, and generally parents have no idea their kids are even confused. Example? I grew up in the church. My parents were die hard Jesus freaks and so every Sunday morning, I would first attend Sunday School and then be dragged into what became known as "Big Church." Where my siblings, peers, and I got this phrase is still up for debate.. I think it had something to do with the fact that grown-ups were bigger than we were. At any rate, I have very vivid memories of the times spent in worship. Most of the songs I learned by heart long before I could read, so sometimes the actual lyrics to the hymn versus what I was hearing around did not always match up. I clearly remember standing between my mom and my dad as a four year old, singing at the top of my lungs: "He is exalted, the King is exalted, and I, I will praise Him!" Little did my parents know that I had no idea what the word "exalted" meant. In fact, my little girl brain registered "exalted" as "salted," and I spent numerous nights pondering why in the world we would want to salt Jesus. But who was I to question the often bizarre and absurd world our parents lived in? You know what I'm talking about.. that strange, almost 4th dimensional realm that, as kids, we saw adults circulating in. Grown-ups had strange grooming rituals ("Mommy, why are you putting that green slime on your face?") and even stranger mating habits (we all remember how our faces contorted in horror upon being given the knowledge of procreation). I can only imagine how much Mason (the little guy I nanny for) is picking up from me. I tend to spend a lot of time talking to him as if he were an adult rather than a child.. sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it. I will jabber on and on about life and things he should know and what surfaces or objects he should avoid because they are crawling with germs and deadly bacteria that could, at any given moment, stage a coupe against our healthy immune systems. And while we're on the subject of nasty amoeba's, if you have a child that is still in the phases where they want to stick everything in their mouth, I strongly suggest NOT having a cat that is allowed both indoors and outdoors. I almost had heart failure when I noticed Mason chewing on something, only to discover it was a feather from a dead bird the cat, Milton, had dragged into the house and generously deposited on the rug in the hallway in front of the bathroom.. I was convinced Mason had become infected with some horrid bird disease.
With all that said, it's funny how we, as adults, take certain things for granted. I'm not talking about people or money or what not, I'm talking about things that just are. Case and point? The garbage disposal. When was the last time you really sat down and thought long and hard about how the garbage disposal works and where all that junk in the sink goes? Well, my last time was in fact today. Our sink has had a leak for heaven only knows how long now, and neither Anna nor I have gotten around to call in the little man to fix it. We were not surprised when the sink started backing up. But when Anna turned on the garbage disposal, the problem made itself more than apparent. I said to her, from my spot across the room on the couch, that it appeared to be broken, and she agreed. She then mentioned that she had tried to collect all of the little ends of the Otter Pops I had cut off into the sink, but maybe some had escaped. I stared at her blankly. I had no idea what Otter Pop ends had to do with our congested sink. Anna, in her calm and patient manner, said to me, "Plastic isn't biodegradable." Again, a blank stare. I KNOW plastic isn't biodegradable, but again, what did that have to do with the kitchen sink? All of a sudden, I started to feel the earth tilt on it's axis.. something was not right. Anna obviously knew something that I did not. This brings us back to the idea of things that just ARE. In Amber World, word association is a must. Because the term "garbage disposal" has the word garbage in it, I immediately assumed that anything you throw down the sink inevitably ends up at the garbage dump with last night's leftovers and Dan's holey sock. Apparently, friends, this is not the case. My entire life, I just assumed that anything that was small enough to fit in the sink hole and also frail enough to be chopped up in the disposal's metal teeth were fair game. But this is just not so. In fact, the garbage disposal actually ends up dumping into the sewer system along with the water being flushed with it (how I did not put those two together, I don't know). So really, we shouldn't be putting anything down the garbage disposal other than maybe food debris left over from dinner. Plastic Otter Pop tops are a definite no no, along with all the hard artichoke pieces I recall trying to jam down there... that body was probably a bad idea.. hmmmm.. ;)
I seriously do not know how I have gone through my entire life not knowing where the garbage disposal leads. In Germany, we didn't even HAVE a garbage disposal, so apparently the magic only happens in the United States. But it makes me a little nervous.. I mean, how many other things do I take for granted? I remember the first time I had to pull the garbage out to the curb because Dan was out in the field. The first time around, I forgot all together. Apparently, the garbage man does not have time to drag my garbage out from the backyard. German trash only gets picked up every other week, so by the time the NEXT garbage day rolled around, I was more than ready to get it out of my house before it grew legs or started talking. But get this! There is no magic "Trash Can Return" fairy! After days of our garbage cans being the only ones still sitting out on the street, the little old lady downstairs ended up dragging them back behind the house herself. Dan always did it without talking about it, so it never even crossed my mind that I would need to put them back. Along those same lines is my problem with washing my own car. I have four brothers and two dads, so there has never been any need for me to wash or clean out my own car. All I knew was that every couple of months, I would walk out to my car and find it fresh as a daisy with a wax job to boot. Obviously, the Car Wash Fairy had been running amock the night before. Imagine my surpirse when, upon getting married, my car started to get dirtier and dirtier without any explaination as to why. I had assumed Dan would be the new Car Wash Fairy. I guess the tights didn't fit.
Anyway, it's late, and I have to work bright and early tomorrow morning. I will be spending the day trying to refrain from using any words that Mason may subconsciously be storing away to use as blackmail against me when he goes through his terrible two's. Oh, and P.S., I looked it up. Damndest is a word, and therefore darndest gets to be a word by default.
Friday, March 28, 2008
That's How She Became the Nanny!
I know, I know.. I totally struggle with this whole blogging thing. At least my excuse is that I'm just really busy, rather than totally depressed. Ha ha. I guess I should update from where I last left off.
My job at Border's ended January 13th at the end of the holiday season. I must admit, I was pretty bummed when it was over. They offered me a job working in the cafe as a Barista, but I wasn't really feeling that. I had been praying about my job the entire time I worked there, and asked that if I was meant to stay there, that God would reveal that to me. Obviously, that wasn't in His plan.. but something even better was (I mean, of course it was even better! He knows my heart better than anyone else!). My good friend, Rachel, called me the week my job at Border's ended and asked if I was available to nanny for two babies, twice a week for three hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I LOVE kids, especially babies, so I was super excited to accept. The babies, Maddy and Mason, were 8 months old and 11 months old, respectfully, and their mom's are good friends.. so it made sense that they would share a nanny. I seriously fell in love with those kids.. they were both SO great! The next few weeks were rather rough, however, because Mason's mom, Amanda, and the full-time nanny didn't really get along.. I mean, she was a great nanny, but sometimes different personalities just get along better than others. Anyway, after those few weeks, Amanda offered me the full-time nanny job with Mason and I was more than happy to accept. Mason is the SWEETEST and happiest baby, ever. He's seriously a joy to be around every day. It's a good fit on multiple levels. Amanda and I get along great.. she's becoming a good friend.. and being a nanny totally fits my personality. I love the routine, and it makes the time away from Dan go by really quickly. Plus, the pay doesn't hurt either. :) Mason is 13 months old now, so he's just learning to talk and walk, which is super fun for me. My hours are great, and his parents are cool about letting me take him with me during the day to run errands or have lunch with friends. I love having such flexibility (well, as much flexibility as possible when you have a baby on a pretty set routine), and it makes working around my schooling really easy. I love being with Mason so much that I actually kind of miss him on my weekends and days off! Yeah, I'm pretty stoked about this job. :)
Seminary is going well. My classes started back up in January, so I've been pretty busy with that. I may or may not be pulling an all nighter tonight to get things finished up due to two of my classes ending on Monday. Ah, the joys of final projects and tests. I'm not really complaining though.. I really do love school. Sometimes I struggle with feeling like a failure though because I don't have my degree yet. I mean, realistically, it actually is a GOOD thing that I'm still working on my degree.. it's not like I've just been sitting on my butt doing nothing since high school graduation. I have a lot to show for the last six years (has it really been that long?!). And I know a lot of my friend's got college out of the way only to now have a degree they aren't even using.. so I think in the long run, it's all going to be worth the wait. But sometimes I get down when other friends are graduating with bachelor's degrees, and I'm still trucking along. Blah. I know God has a plan for me, though, and when I really stop and think about it, I know I'm on the right path.
Only 3 months until I get to see Dan!! He's coming for R&R sometime towards the end of June. Half the time I can't believe so much time has gone by, and the other half of the time it feels like the 15 months are just dragging on. We hit kind of a rough patch a couple of weeks ago.. we were really starting to feel the distance. It's totally normal, obviously, but that didn't make it any less sucky. BUT, our relationship is solid, and firmly grounded in Christ, and we're totally fine now. We're both looking forward to him coming home for a couple of weeks.. I'm way nervous as well. I seriously get butterflies when I think about seeing him again after all this time. We have some fun and relaxing stuff planned for his trip home.. we're going to stay at a bed and breakfast in Julian for four days and take romantic carriage rides and indulge in some spa treatments and ride some horses and llamas. That's right, I said llama's. We're also planning a night in LA to visit with our good friend Jeff and visit the tar pits (yeah, I'm weird and into that sort of thing). Mostly it's just going to be about getting used to each other again. I know it may not all be smooth sailing, but I have faith it's going to be a great reunion over all. It's weird to think of him here.. living in Anna and my's apartment, meeting Nandi for the first time, going through my normal routine's with me nannying for Mason and yoga on Monday nights with Morgan. But I'm excited!!
Let's see.. what else is going on? Oh! Next month I'm going to visit Amanda up in Chico, and then I'm going to swing into the Vallejo area for a few days and visit with Crystal. I'm SO excited to see both of them! Amanda and I always have a ball together, and I'm stoked to meet Crystal's boys. The last time I saw her, her oldest son, Landon, had just been born.. and he's three now with two younger brothers, so it's been awhile!
Please continue to keep us in your prayers! Dan has been moving all over the place in Iraq.. it's a little hard to keep up with him. :) He still appreciates all the mail, but generally doesn't have a ton of time to send out thank you notes. I apologize to anyone who has emailed me over the last couple of months and I haven't gotten back to you.. it's been a little crazy! Hopefully, I'll be better in the future. Oh, one last thing! There's a very good chance we will be going to Alaska next. We are SUPER excited about that and can't wait to start yet another adventure together!
My job at Border's ended January 13th at the end of the holiday season. I must admit, I was pretty bummed when it was over. They offered me a job working in the cafe as a Barista, but I wasn't really feeling that. I had been praying about my job the entire time I worked there, and asked that if I was meant to stay there, that God would reveal that to me. Obviously, that wasn't in His plan.. but something even better was (I mean, of course it was even better! He knows my heart better than anyone else!). My good friend, Rachel, called me the week my job at Border's ended and asked if I was available to nanny for two babies, twice a week for three hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I LOVE kids, especially babies, so I was super excited to accept. The babies, Maddy and Mason, were 8 months old and 11 months old, respectfully, and their mom's are good friends.. so it made sense that they would share a nanny. I seriously fell in love with those kids.. they were both SO great! The next few weeks were rather rough, however, because Mason's mom, Amanda, and the full-time nanny didn't really get along.. I mean, she was a great nanny, but sometimes different personalities just get along better than others. Anyway, after those few weeks, Amanda offered me the full-time nanny job with Mason and I was more than happy to accept. Mason is the SWEETEST and happiest baby, ever. He's seriously a joy to be around every day. It's a good fit on multiple levels. Amanda and I get along great.. she's becoming a good friend.. and being a nanny totally fits my personality. I love the routine, and it makes the time away from Dan go by really quickly. Plus, the pay doesn't hurt either. :) Mason is 13 months old now, so he's just learning to talk and walk, which is super fun for me. My hours are great, and his parents are cool about letting me take him with me during the day to run errands or have lunch with friends. I love having such flexibility (well, as much flexibility as possible when you have a baby on a pretty set routine), and it makes working around my schooling really easy. I love being with Mason so much that I actually kind of miss him on my weekends and days off! Yeah, I'm pretty stoked about this job. :)
Seminary is going well. My classes started back up in January, so I've been pretty busy with that. I may or may not be pulling an all nighter tonight to get things finished up due to two of my classes ending on Monday. Ah, the joys of final projects and tests. I'm not really complaining though.. I really do love school. Sometimes I struggle with feeling like a failure though because I don't have my degree yet. I mean, realistically, it actually is a GOOD thing that I'm still working on my degree.. it's not like I've just been sitting on my butt doing nothing since high school graduation. I have a lot to show for the last six years (has it really been that long?!). And I know a lot of my friend's got college out of the way only to now have a degree they aren't even using.. so I think in the long run, it's all going to be worth the wait. But sometimes I get down when other friends are graduating with bachelor's degrees, and I'm still trucking along. Blah. I know God has a plan for me, though, and when I really stop and think about it, I know I'm on the right path.
Only 3 months until I get to see Dan!! He's coming for R&R sometime towards the end of June. Half the time I can't believe so much time has gone by, and the other half of the time it feels like the 15 months are just dragging on. We hit kind of a rough patch a couple of weeks ago.. we were really starting to feel the distance. It's totally normal, obviously, but that didn't make it any less sucky. BUT, our relationship is solid, and firmly grounded in Christ, and we're totally fine now. We're both looking forward to him coming home for a couple of weeks.. I'm way nervous as well. I seriously get butterflies when I think about seeing him again after all this time. We have some fun and relaxing stuff planned for his trip home.. we're going to stay at a bed and breakfast in Julian for four days and take romantic carriage rides and indulge in some spa treatments and ride some horses and llamas. That's right, I said llama's. We're also planning a night in LA to visit with our good friend Jeff and visit the tar pits (yeah, I'm weird and into that sort of thing). Mostly it's just going to be about getting used to each other again. I know it may not all be smooth sailing, but I have faith it's going to be a great reunion over all. It's weird to think of him here.. living in Anna and my's apartment, meeting Nandi for the first time, going through my normal routine's with me nannying for Mason and yoga on Monday nights with Morgan. But I'm excited!!
Let's see.. what else is going on? Oh! Next month I'm going to visit Amanda up in Chico, and then I'm going to swing into the Vallejo area for a few days and visit with Crystal. I'm SO excited to see both of them! Amanda and I always have a ball together, and I'm stoked to meet Crystal's boys. The last time I saw her, her oldest son, Landon, had just been born.. and he's three now with two younger brothers, so it's been awhile!
Please continue to keep us in your prayers! Dan has been moving all over the place in Iraq.. it's a little hard to keep up with him. :) He still appreciates all the mail, but generally doesn't have a ton of time to send out thank you notes. I apologize to anyone who has emailed me over the last couple of months and I haven't gotten back to you.. it's been a little crazy! Hopefully, I'll be better in the future. Oh, one last thing! There's a very good chance we will be going to Alaska next. We are SUPER excited about that and can't wait to start yet another adventure together!
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