Bare Naked

Are we having fun yet? Seriously. Bah. It's been a long week. I've been working crazy hours and for some reasons my emotions kind of feel like a wound up rubber band. I really do like my new job.. the people are great and I usually at least have SOME fun; I'm just not used to being on my feet all day, every day anymore. I think one of my main problems is I want to do well and I want to fit in. I'm a perfectionist, so it really bothers me when I screw up. And even though it's stupid, when I'm at work, I care what people think about me. AND, when customers snap at me, even when it's over something I have ZERO control over like prices or whether or not we can use a coupon, I take it personally. I think working is a hazard to my mental health..


I seriously feel out of sorts. Maybe it's the holidays.. and Dan not being here for them. Maybe it's the new job and being bombarded with so many new people and experiences. Maybe it's the whole Max-not-really-having-a-baby drama (if you don't know what I'm talking about, you can ask me specifically.. I don't have the energy to explain the whole story right now). Maybe it's the fact that I feel like a freaking cow these days. Don't get me wrong.. I'm not like, depressed or anything. I just feel off-kilter. And I miss Germany. That's all there is, there isn't anymore.

"Do you ever have that dream
Where you're walking naked down the street
And everyone just stares?
Do you ever feel so deep that you speak your mind
To put others straight to sleep?
You wonder if anybody cares
Sometimes I think I'm the only one
Whose day turned out unlike it had begun

And I feel bare naked and I just can't take it
I'm getting jaded, no, I just can't fake it anymore
'Cuz I'm bare naked and I know life's what you make it
Wish I could float away to some other day

You ever go downstairs to start your day
But your car's not there
Yeah, you know the joke is on you
You ever try your luck with a pick-up line
But you just sucked
You tell yourself it wasn't you
And I know it's hard to hold it inside
It's days like these I run and hide

When I feel bare naked and I just can't take it
I'm getting jaded, no, I just can't fake it anymore
I'm bare naked and I know life's what you make it
Wish I could float away to some other day

It's all a state of mind
But I don't mind trying to find a way
To keep my head above the mess I make
What the world creates
Sometimes it feels so good to let it all fall."

The Good Stuff

I know, I know.. it's been like a million years since the last time I updated this thing. It's been a hard couple of weeks, and I haven't felt like dumping on everyone. The last thing I need is to come as super negative. I'm hanging in there though.. things have calmed down a little bit despite being in the middle of the holiday season. I snagged a job at Border's (for those of you who don't know, that's a book and music store that also sports a cafe) last week and have been working my butt off. I had forgotten how uncomfortable standing around all day can be. But the people I work with are awesome and we have a lot of fun, plus the discount is nice now that it's Christmas present time. For those of you who have seen Clerks 2, I work with a guy who seriously acts JUST LIKE Elias. Good times.

God has really been blessing my relationships lately. I take Max to community service sometimes during the week, and I always hate having to get up at the butt crack of dawn (we have to make it to the heart of San Marcos by 7:30 and cannot be late), but our time together is always really great. We laugh a lot, and get to talk about things that matter. That's what life is all about really.. relationships. How people survive without close, personal relationships, I will never know. It's such a vital part of life.. we definitely were not made to be alone.

Dan is doing well. He's moving around Iraq a lot, but has been getting lots of flight time over the last month or so. He really likes his newest location because he actually gets internet on his own computer.. which also means he has Gmail chat back. Woot! So we're back to talking every day.. SO great! July seems SO far off sometimes. And to think when it finally DOES get here, I only get him for like two and a half weeks and then I have to send him back. I'm not going to lie.. sometimes it seems overwhelming. I try not to look ahead.. I think I'd go crazy if I just spent all my time thinking about July. Instead, I try and take it one day at a time. Looking back, time has gone by pretty quickly so far. We're actually almost past the half-way mark until R&R.. crazy!

My friend Brittany is coming to visit next month! I'm super stoked. We're taking a trip to Vegas and neither of us have ever been, so that will be fun. She's never been to Cali, so it will be interesting for me to do the touristy thing. Hopefully she's not TOO disappointed. :) Ha ha. I promise to update more often from here on out. Now I'm going to take a nap. Yay!

Oh, one last thing. I saw the movie "August Rush" this last weekend with Rachel. It was a good one for sure! But remember to bring the tissues.