You Start to Wonder Why You're Here Not There

I went to visit my good friend Amanda in Chico this last week. We've now been friends for over a decade, and I wonder how we all of sudden are old enough to be able to say that. Yeah, yeah.. I know.. We're still young.. But sometimes it really doesn't feel that way. At any rate, I had a great time.. but I'm thinking maybe I'm not cut out to be a "normal" college student. Of course, being three years into marriage, thinking about having kids, and having grown up way faster than I should have might have something to do with it.

I have been struggling a lot lately with people who think they've had to face challenges in life when in reality, they don't understand how blessed they are. I've tried really hard to be one of those people who understands that what is incredibly hard for one person may be a cake walk to another who has been through more.. I try really hard not to compare lives.. but sometimes it's just too much and I feel like smacking people in the head. I know a lot of it has to do with immaturity.. most young adults think they know it all when in reality, they know squat. I think my biggest struggle is when said people complain about their lives, or write crazy emo blogs, or always negative, and really, they have no reason to be. Seriously, people. Let's learn to count our blessings, shall we?

I think I'm going through a weird growing up stage. Or maybe it's not so weird.. Dan kept telling me it would happen eventually, but I always thought he was crazy. Ha ha. I'm learning not to care what people think about me. Most of you don't know how huge of a struggle this is for me. While I tend to come off as having a pretty firm backbone in dealing with other people, it REALLY bothers me when I'm not well liked. I have spent considerable time and energy in the past trying to be this person that in my mind was perfect.. and I failed miserably. The bottom line is you can't make everyone happy all the time, so you have to pick your battles and say what you need to say and then just let go. In the past two months, I've had a couple of relationships sort of end in one way or another. Sometimes it is stuff I've done, sometimes it's stuff the other person has done, and sometimes it's both. I'm learning that friendships tend to go through cycles.. people I was close to a year ago are NOT the same people I'm close to know.. and somehow I'm finally ok with that. Like, I know that when I'm back in Germany, for example, I'll still be good friends with Jill despite both of us having such hectic lives that we rarely get to talk anymore (you'll always the static cling to my dryer sheet!).. and I think that's how friendship should be. And sometimes friendships will run their course and then end, and that's okay, too. As kids, it somehow gets set in your mind that you HAVE to stay friends with people forever, and that isn't reality.. it needs to be okay to step back and move on rather than torturing yourself in relationships you aren't benefiting from in any way. Hopefully, there WILL be people that you stay friends with forever, but every friend is a forever friend.

I still am struggling, however, with getting over family members deciding they do not like you. I guess I have this really old fashioned, conservative view of family that you should always have each other's backs. It's what I was brought up to believe, anyway. Both my parents come from large families, and seeing them all interact was awesome. Don't get me wrong.. there are for SURE issues that crop up as time goes on (especially since women tend to be snippy and petty).. but it seems to me that you never give up on family. I've been thinking about this a lot because today my brother, Max, was asked to move out of my parents house due to literally YEARS worth of breaking the rules and rebellion. My problem is not with my dad and stepmom at all.. I know their hearts, and I know first hand what is like to live with Max and put up with his crap. My problem is that everyone has an opinion about it.. so I'm informing everyone now that I don't want to hear it. I seriously cannot handle people who think they know what should be done in a situation they have never been in themselves or experienced first hand. People always tend to say "I would never do that" or "I would never allow that to happen," when in reality, they don't know what they would or would not do. Sure, I'd like to think for example that if someone had a gun to my head and asked if I believed in God, and I KNEW I was going to die if I said yes, I would like to think I would be honest and admit my faith. However, since I've never actually been asked that question with a gun pointed at my head, I can't say without a shadow of a doubt that I would be brave enough to say yes. I don't think anyone can. Or take for example those abused women you see on like Oprah or whatever.. I remember seeing women in terrible relationships where the guy controls EVERYTHING and thinking "How stupid are these women? That will never be me!" Yet at 19, I found myself in the exact same position.. I was in a relationship with a guy who simply tried to hold on too tightly and I became his everything. And the whole time all I could think was, "How did I get here?!" Later, when I shared my testimony with the high school girls at my church, a lot of the girls took on my stance of "I would never do that." And yet, within a couple years, half those girls had dated guys that were bad news. Really, I think it's best to avoid the word "never" all together. God will seriously show you stuff about yourself you'd rather not see if you start pulling the never talk.

Dan comes home in two months!! We're officially in countdown mode!! So exciting and scary all at the same time! We're looking forward to a trip planned to Big Bear for a few days.. I'm determined to go para sailing, but we'll see how gutsy I'm really feeling once we're up there. Dan left the remote area he has been in for the last few weeks, which is a huge relief for me.. we can now go back to talking like every day. In other news, while I was in Chico, my little guy, Mason, that I nanny for started walking. He had started doing the whole wobbly, ten-step, pregnant woman walk before I left, but now he powers around the house. It's crazy! He's growing so fast.. it makes me sad to think I'll feel like my own kids are growing even faster.

To close, let me leave with some tips for all you single guys out there that I learned while in Chico:
1) Telling a girl she has a "nice aura" does not make you sound deep, it makes you sound like you're on drugs and perhaps a little crazy.
2) Showing a girl pictures of porn you've downloaded to your cell phone is not going to get you into her pants. In fact, you'll be lucky if she doesn't run away screaming about the pervert with the gross cell phone.
3) Asking a girl what she thinks of another girls boobs is not a wise conversation starter. Asking her if she'd rather be a grizzly bear or a koala bear, however, is.
4) Calling a girl some type of candy generally makes us laugh.. but know that it's AT you, not WITH you.
5) Unless the girl is a total slut, she's going to want to get to know you before you start making grabs at her butt. Less than 24 minutes is not an ample amount of time.
6) Playing with a married woman's hair: bad. Tickling a married woman: worse. Reaching around and grabbing a married woman's boobs: going to get you knocked out.
7) When offering a girl a place to sleep, make sure she understands you do not mean with the shovels in the backyard shed.
8) If you've been drinking to the point that you are projectile vomiting into the bushes and all over the patio, a girl high-tailing it out of there is not a "heartless bitch." She's merely attempting to not start projectile vomiting herself from the smell and inevitably making the whole situation worse.

To be continued, I'm sure. :)