Being an Army wife, especially an Army wife with a husband deployed for 15 months, I get asked a lot of questions. Sometimes the questions get old.. while I appreciate how much everyone cares, it can be frustrating to answer the same questions over and over again: "How are you handling things?" or "How much longer does he have over there?" or "How do you do it?" When I answer, most people don't really know what to say other than things like "Wow, that really sucks" or "I couldn't do that!" The thing is, I really didn't think I could do it either. My dad was in the Navy when I was little, and I vaguely remember him going away for months at a time and how miserable my mom and I were without him. Even after he got out and started working for the government, he traveled way more than any of us would have liked. At some point, I made the decision that I would NEVER date or marry a man in the military. It all just seemed too hard. God obviously had other plans, and everything about Dan was so amazing that it managed to override the fact that he was about to join the Army. And here's the thing about the human spirit: you DON'T know how much you're able to handle until you're actually going through it. I can't even count the amount of trials I have had in my life that I never thought I would get through. I do what I have to do, just like everyone else who goes through times when life seems overwhelming and they can't take anymore.
So here I am.. 23 years old.. married for 3 years to a Warrant Officer helicopter pilot in the Army (Did I mention I hate to fly? I'm pretty sure God is up in heaven laughing at me for thinking I had things figured out.. I married a PILOT and I hate to fly.. very funny). When people hear that Dan is gone for such a long period of time, I end up being called things like "incredibly strong" and people constantly talk about how they couldn't do it. This idea always sort of bothered me.. after all, most days I don't feel exceptionally strong. I think people would be surprised how many days I have to tell myself "Just get through the next hour" or "Just get through this weekend." It's not just taking things one day at a time, it's often taking things one moment at a time. To my complete surprise, Dan had noticed that whenever he asks how I'm doing, I say "ok" rather than "good" or "very well" like 90% of the time. I answer "ok" because most full days really aren't "good" without Dan. Sure, I have "good" or even "great" moments during the day, but over all, there's like a cloud hanging over me that only Dan can chase away. Don't get me wrong.. I'm a happy and relatively content person. But Dan is my husband, and therefore there are places in my heart that only he can get to.
Here's the thing.. everyone always tells me how strong I am for handling things alone while Dan is gone.. for being able to marry a man who will be gone a lot. But here's the thing that most people don't know: Dan is so much stronger than I am. Seriously. I am fully aware of my issues, but most of you have no idea what it's like to really be with me. I have abandonment issues, divorce issues, and sexual issues from being molested. When I get scared something might go wrong in my life, I completely shut down emotionally.. I put up walls and push people away. I also push people's buttons.. I feel the need to push simply because I expect people to leave.. and I figure it's better now than when I'm even more attatched. I have eating issues, and next to zero self esteem. I have night terrors that cause a whole lot of thrashing and yelling, and sometimes I get so agitated that Dan has to get up and turn on the light to show me nothing is really there. Letting new people into my private circle is next to impossible. I don't play well with others.. I get overwhelmed in large groups of people, especially when I don't know them. They could be the nicest people on the planet, and I would still sit quietly, interacting as little as possible for fear I might say something incredibly stupid... which somehow comes across as being stuck up. The list goes on and on. Would you really want to date me knowing all of this? I know how I come off.. naive, sheltered, innocent. Most of the time, I can't cope with the idea of people seeing behind that mask. Not only did Dan see behind it and keep me around anyway, he also married me. He's incredibly patient.. he gives me space and time to work things out in my head when I need to, but also constantly reminds me that his arms are open when I'm ready to fall apart. I've never met anyone like him. Despite all my issues, I actually feel rather comfortable in my own skin for the first time because he makes me feel worthy.. that's a powerful feeling. My strength is nothing compared to Dan's.. he knew who I really am and loved me anyway. THAT, my friends, is true strength.
"God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave."
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