Ok, I lied.

Funny how you can feel one way about something one day, and then feel totally different the next. Maybe it was the time in Chico.. I don't know.. but I had been feeling so comfortable in my own skin. I felt.. well.. good, I guess. It could be that there's been so much going on since I returned home that I've been sleeping very little.. we all know how lack of sleep makes you a little emotional and sometimes crazy. At any rate, I'm feeling a little down. It's hard to have people in your life who seem to enjoy pointing your faults out to you.. like somehow it makes them feel better about themselves. Or maybe she's just negative.. I don't really know. Now, the fact that this is normal behavior for said person should make me feel better.. knowing I'm not the only one she does it to, and knowing she probably doesn't even understand that she's hurting me. But all I feel is lame.. definitely WAY below the "good enough" par. So in retaliation, I throw myself into my schoolwork.. I clean.. I work- out.. I do all this stuff that I feel like will make me a better person if I can do it perfectly. It SOUNDS like I'm leading a healthy lifestyle by doing those things, but really it's my unhealthy mind driving it. So does it count as living healthy if your reasons for doing it are to somehow show certain people that you're better than they think?

It was a LONG day at work today. I love Mason, but I really reconsidered the whole having kids thing today. First, after he took his morning nap, he puked all over himself and his crib.. poor little guy. It was so sad. And smelly. I was really concerned why he was vomiting all of a sudden, so I stuck him in the bathtub (it had barely any water in it), and ran down the stairs to grab the house phone, and then ran back up. I think I was gone a total of like, 5 seconds MAYBE. When I get back into the bathroom, he has managed to not only poop in the bath water, but it playing with the poop. I thought I was going to die. For those of you who don't know, I am a SERIOUS germaphobe. I CANNOT handle bacteria and germs. There's exactly two people living in my apartment, and I've bought enough cleaning supplies with antibacterial stuff or bleach in it, I could probably open my own store. Half a bottle of bleach, scalding water, and a can of Lysol disinfectant spray later, I put Mason back in the bath and finished cleaning him up. At 2:30, Tracy, Mason's old nanny, dropped Maddy off (the 11 month old I used to watch with Mason) for three hours so that she could get a headstart on the traffic up to Santa Barbara. This was pretty much a terrible idea. Mason is NOT used to sharing me, and he didn't like it at ALL. He would SCREAM and cry if I picked Maddy up (which was sort of necessary since Mason can walk and Maddy can't), spent half the the three hours clinging to my pant leg like that would somehow get Maddy to see that I was HIS territory, and would snatch any toy Maddy picked up. Plus, although Maddy can't walk, she does crawl.. and that child is like a rocket.. not to mention the fact that she officially is obsessed with climbing stairs that she's bound to break her neck on. I'm not sure how my mom survived having twins.. I watched the two babies for 3 hours and was so tired, I felt like I was going to fall over.

It is funny to me how once women reach their young 20's, they start to like, hormonally want a baby. I know a lot of guys think women are just baby crazy, but in reality, we almost can't help it. Amanda and I were discussing this up in Chico.. how it seems like we hit 23 and the hormones kicked in and it's baby fever all the time. Her soon to be sister in law, Michelle, is 26 and says it just gets worst the older you get. Ugh. So not fun. Even after such a horrendous day, when I talked to my mother in law, she informed me that Dan's cousin is 5 months pregnant and my hormones went all crazy again. I mean, part of my isn't in any hurry.. but it's hard when it feels like all your married friends and family are starting families, and you're still waiting. I KNOW it will happen in God's timing, but that doesn't always make it easy. Stupid hormones.

I miss Amanda. And Chico. Boo.