Learning how to balance (Part One).

I was talking with my dad this morning and I thought I'd share what we talked about and the growth I'm currently going through. I orginally planned it to be all one blog, but it got pretty long so I'm breaking it into two. The biggest process I'm currently undertaking in my life is that of balance. I tend to be a pretty unbalanced person.. ok, that makes me sound like I'm crazy (and to some, maybe I am). Ha ha. What I'm trying to say is that I tend to run in extremes. I'm extremely introverted, extremely private, extremely anxious.. guilty.. self-conscious.. controlled.. responsible.. self-doubting.. strong. With me, it tends to be all or nothing.

This can be problematic in the grand scheme of things. As a person, it isn't healthy to BE extreme. Ecclesiastes 7:18 says: "It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." I'm learning that it takes a much stronger person to practice balance than it does to live in a comfortable extreme.

Let me explain. My whole life, I never properly learned how to care for others AND care for myself. I get so busy taking care of everyone else that I forget to take care of myself. This has led to drastic and somewhat dire consequences in my life.. especially when it comes to my health. I finally pulled it together enough (or fell part enough, depending on the way you look at it) to start going to regular therapy sessions. For the first time in my life, I had to deal with.. well.. me. My issues. My problems. My background and history and shortcomings and strengths. It was brutal, but the outcome has been phenomenal. But here's the thing: in order to find balance, I first had to run the "all about me" extreme for a short time. This can be a dangerous place for the mind to go. When you start focusing so much on yourself, when you start blocking key people out, things get messy. Without someone who knows what they're doing in your life to pull you back from the edge in just the right timing, you can fall too far and the climb back can be agonizing.

The best example I have to explain all of this is the nutritional part of an eating disorder recovery program. When your weight is low and your calorie intake is practically non-existant, the nutrionists don't care WHAT you're eating as long as you're EATING. You're encouraged to eat WHATEVER sounds good. Nutritional value is of no consequence. Soda (non-diet) and sugary, high fat foods are a must. Salt is discouraged only because it makes you retain water and then they can't get an accurate read on your weight gain. You're encouraged to be selfish. The people closest to you (like, say, my husband) who are used to sharing food and ordering less because they know you aren't going to finish your food have to rethink how to order.. because once we feel like we have permission to eat, we're going to order in boatloads. Our eyes our WAY bigger than our stomaches, but the pressure of having to share MUST be removed.. otherwise, we feel like we have to eat less to ensure the other person gets enough to eat. I wasted a lot of food and a lot of money.. but it was part of the process. The bottom line though is that you cannot eat this way forever. Even if you're blessed with metabolism that keeps you from ballooning up, your body NEEDS certain nutrients and you can't ignore them forever (well, at least not if you want to live a long, productive life). Then I relapsed. I lost like 35 or 40 pounds in 4 months. This is beyond dangerous for my heart, and my family freaked out. We were all realizing something drastic had to change in the way I handled food. So for the last 18 months, the people closest to me have worked with me on balance. We make sure I not only get ENOUGH to eat during the day, but also the RIGHT things to eat. We started small, making sure I ate two meals a day.. and not Amber meals, but "normal" and "balanced" meals. Deals were struck: if I ate what I was supposed to be eating and taking care of my body for a week, a friend of mine wouldn't go rock climbing and mess with an already overused shoulder for the same amount of time. Sometimes, I was even bribed. Eventually, my body fell into a routine. I didn't even mean for it to happen. One day I'm smuggly making deals thinking I'm getting my way in some areas, and the next my body is demanding food at regular intervals. The thing is, I LIKE the balance. These days, I eat small amounts all day. I generally eat 6 meals, and I snack. What's crazy is I haven't actually gained any weight back. I've stopped losing, and I'm pretty happy where I am.. something I've never been able to say before, even at a size 1.