Learning how to balance. (Part Two)

All that being said, the "finding myself" (so cliche) process was very similar. That is not to say that I simply shucked all responsibilities and relationships out the window- I'm hardwired to be much more responsible than that. However, my main focus was on ME. I wanted to lose control for once. I was going to do what I wanted and answer to no one. The problem with answering to "no one" is that it can very quickly turn into not even wanting to answer to God. I was lucky or blessed or both to have not been so far gone that I could ignore (or even not hear) God's voice all together.

I completely turned inward, and a lot of my relationships sort of fell to the wayside for a little while. I spent most of my time making sure to surround myself with people who empowered me and helped me to come into my own. I was treading a very line between learning to trust myself and being totally selfish. It was rough. I was emotionally and spiritually exhausted, and in a vulnerable place. I assure you Satan took full advantage of that. I assure you I fell into his traps more than once. But I also assure you that God is faithful and able to outscream the lies that Satan is feeding you if you just stop and listen hard enough. The balance of being who you are and being obnoxiously self-centered is a hard one to strike. And so I "relapsed". Maybe it was guilt. I was not used to these new feelings of being independent (not that I wasn't independent before, it was just in a different way) and it frightened me. It sounds lame, I know.

Just when I thought I was going to lose myself completely and end up undoing all the positive strides I had made, God pulled me back from the ledge. He saved my life all over again. The fear of losing who I have become and who I am meant to be terrified me. And then something clicked in my head: I needed balance. Easy enough, right? Um, I'm going with wrong. The art of serving others and caring deeply for other people while still maintaining my identity has been hard. More than hard. And I am not totally there yet. The great thing is that I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, although I am sure this is something I will always have to keep in check.

So here is what I've learned: I do not WANT to do whatever I want. I want to do what God wants. I have always wanted that to a certain extent, but this is a whole other ball game, my friends. I do not necessarily want life to be easy. God has taught me in SO many ways that if life is incredibly easy for you, you're probably doing something wrong. After all, Satan does not tend to mess with people who are not a threat (worry not.. I'm not necessarily saying that if life does seem easy, God is bound to smite you at any moment). I am learning to get out of my bubble and engage the people around me. We are relational beings, and we need face to face connections with others even when it is uncomfortable. I am taking baby steps: smiling at strangers, responding to cashiers being polite rather than clamming up and staring at my feet. Worrying about saying the wrong thing and looking like an idiot is very real for me. My friend, Jeff, once said that it should not matter how you come off because the people who do not find you ridiculous are the people God has picked out to be in your life. He's a wise one, that Jeff. :) But as always, easier said than done. I took a huge leap of faith this last weekend and joined an off-roading Jeep club with Dan despite feeling like puking from nerves waiting for the meeting to begin. And what do you know? I survived to talk about it. Life is complex. Love is complex. I am complex.. because I am made in the image of a very complex God. God is the ultimate definition of balance, and I figure if I am made in His image, then it makes sense why my heart longs for that same way of being. I'm still being molded and shaped, and though a lot of times the fire to harden the clay is painful, I really enjoy the finished product.