Wind Me Up and Watch Me Go

Over the past couple of months.. and maybe even longer than that if I'm being totally honest with myself.. I have come to realize that I have whole lot of anger inside me. Up until now, I have been able to hide it. I have always been terrified of my temper. I do NOT want to turn into the type of person who flies off the handle and attacks others. My dad was the firs to point it out to me when Dan was home in February and we attempted to solve some of our marital and communication issues. I think even my dad would be surprised at how furious I have become with the world.. or maybe my life, depending on the way you look at it. I came by the book "Angry Conversations with God" as a total fluke. I was looking for "The Excellent Wife," but apparently God had other plans for me.

Here is the thing: I have been a Christian my whole life. I have never doubted God's presence in my life. I love Him, and I love Jesus. My love has never faltered. That being said, I'm also upset with Him. I have finally realized that it is ok to get angry with God sometimes. After all, we tend to get the most angry with the people we love the most because they actually have a place in our hearts. A BIG place. Reading this book, I felt like I could have written it myself.

I do not WANT to be mad at God, and I certainly did not want to let others know that I was experiencing these negative feelings. I am supposed to be the strong one. Most people do not see that the calm exterior does not match my turbulent heart. I struggle with the things that have gone down in my life.. why things continually have to be hard for me no matter how much I plead with God to take some of it away. It terrifies me that God puts you through trials to prepare you for something bigger. I do not WANT anything bigger. I also know that the Bible says God will never give you more than you can handle, but I hate that the things piled onto my life cause me to consistently feel on the verge of destruction. I just want to feel better and stop all the tears.

Lucky for me, my faith is strong enough to keep me invested in my relationship with Christ. I do not feel the need to rebel against Him. I do not feel like I need to run from my Christian walk. I have been praying like a freaking maniac, and spend vast amounts of time listening for God's voice. In my darkest hours, I worry that I have done something wrong.. like maybe if I lived a better life somehow, things would improve. Blah.