How did we get here?

Ever feel like you aren't ever going to get past something? For example, some people say you never truely get over your first love. Now, for me, that isn't the case at all. It's so much bigger and deeper than I could ever put into words. I WANT to move on. I WANT to let all of this go. It's not working, and I feel exhausted.

Today.. sucked, I'm not going to lie. Ha ha. I've been out of heart medication for four days or so. This isn't anything new and different. I can be really bad about medication. I think it has something to do with rebellion, and something to do with pretending I'm just as healthy as everyone else. However, my body seems to defy me every chance it gets. By last night, I had the shakes so badly that when I tried underlining stuff in my book, it came out more like a squiggle. Game over. Time for the doctor. This is the part where I HATE the military. I called to get an appointment at the Family Practice Clinic, but since I'm still on Tricare West (I won't switch to Tricare Alaska until I actually move here), I couldn't be seen there. The connected me to a nurse, and after explaining everything all over again, she said I had to go to the ER. This really bothers me because I feel lame walking into the emergency room when so many people need it more than I do. On the other hand, I'm acutely aware that by the end of the week without the medication, my heart could fail completely (being at risk for a heart attack at 24 seriously sucks). We called the ER and checked the wait time, and since it was slow, we headed over there. The receptionist THOUGHT she knew what she was doing by calling the pharmacy and getting clearance just to go over there for a refill.. even though I told her like THREE FREAKING TIMES that I didn't have any refills left on the bottle. She kept insisting that was fine; that the pharmacy would fill it any way. Dude, I've been dealing with this terrible system for four years now. It's sad, but I TOTALLY knew more than she did, but she wouldn't listen. So we went back to the hotel, picked up the empty bottle, and went to the pharmacy.. where we were told there was nothing they could do since the pill bottle lacked refills. They told us I had to be seen at the emergency room. Well, no shit, Sherlock. We went BACK to the ER, and by this time, I was fuming. The problem with NOT having the heart medication is that my blood pressure spikes to dangerous levels, and I can't differenciate between actual angry feelings and simple high blood pressure. I get crazy anxiety, and I shake unconrtolably. I made sure to point out when we returned to the ER that SHE had made the mistake with the whole refill thing. I get so tired of people not listening to a word I say.. like they know my body better than I do. I know the routine in this case.. we go to the ER, I'm seen by a doctor, and he fills the prescription. Sounds easy, yes? Nope. First, I had to hear from some stupid doctor that I'm WAY too young to have hypertension, and actually kept making comments about how he wished I wouldn't refill the medication. This infuriated me even more. He doesn't know my background.. he doesn't know that I've struggled with an eating disorder for about a decade on and off.. that when the body is starving, it eats muscle.. the heart is a muscle. My body chose to eat that.. it can't be repaired, just maintained. He actually made me feel GUILTY for taking a medication that I would literally die without. Stupid man. We ended up having to wait for like three hours to be seen.. and by then, my anxiety was through the roof. I've spent WAY too much time in the ER to feel comfortable there. I was seriously ready to kill someone by the time we got out of there. Dan took it in stride, though. He's pretty brave for putting up with me. I feel better now that my heart isn't racing and I've stopped shaking. Sigh.

"Twilight" comes out on DVD soon! I'm ridiculously excited. Since I'm in Alaska, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get it the day it comes out. I'm stoked. The only problem is that the movie makes me think about things that I would prefer not to deal with. The idea that there are SO many different types of love.. that sometimes a person can love you to the best of his or her ability, but that may not be enough. The connections in the movie and the books are INTENSE.. and things have changed since I first read the series and saw the movie. I used to be able to see so much of my own feelings in it (minus the vampire thing.. ha ha). And while I still feel that way, I feel like the characters I once related others to has shifted uncomfortably. The big idea is this: it all comes down to who you can't live without. But what do you do when you aren't sure who that person is anymore?

Decoded - Paramore (from the Twilight soundtrack)

How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight
All the time
Nor could I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No, not this time, not this time

How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think I can't see
What kind of man you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I'll figure this one out
On my own

I'm screaming I love you so
(On my own)
But my thoughts you can't decode

Do you see what we've done?
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves

How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
I think I know, I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me
I want it to be true