Monday, March 16, 2009

The pieces of my heart are missing you.

If you think that the difference between -10 and -15 degrees isn't THAT much of a change, think again. Dan and I had really great date night last night, but neither of us were fully prepared for the onslaught of the -15 temperature and the -35 wind chill factor. We ate dinner at this place called Ivory Jacks. I picked it out of the phone book because they sold seafood, and I was dying for a healthy dinner. While prices of food wasn't shown on the menu in the phonebook, they served things like escargot, so I figured it was a nice place. Um, not so much. The building of the restaurant is connected to its private liquor store, and I almost fell over when we actually stepped inside. It was.. very relaxed to put it mildly. None of the tables matched, and they were more like card tables than actual dining tables. The chairs didn't match either, but all of them were fold out card table chairs. When we sat down (which you do yourself like in Germany), the paper placemat definitely was about a walrus penis. I didn't even know WHAT to say about that. Dan was amused. The food was definitely expensive (yes, we ordered the escargot to start), but maybe the point was to serve good food without needing to dress up. At any rate, we went to the ice sculpting park right afterwards (I'll post pictures tomorrow), and it was amazing. Since it was dark by the time we got there, we got to see them all lit up. To get into the park, you actually walk through an ice castle. It was pretty rad.. although we were so freaking cold, we couldn't stop and appreciate each piece separately. We surveyed on the go, and only took pictures of the ones we liked the best. By the time we got back to the car, I couldn't feel my legs or feet. I'm not joking.. I was THAT cold. It was actually incredibly painful to thaw once we got the heat turned up and started getting warm. Dan's eyelashes had actually turned to ice. We learned our lesson though. It was all worth it in the end

Since I've been here, I've found myself in a weird place spiritually and emotionally. I feel like Satan is using every possible method to drag me down. I've been beating my body, mind, and heart into spiritual submission and discipline. While I know I'm doing what God has called me to do by being here with Dan, the blows just keep coming. Don't get me wrong.. I know God has the much bigger picture in mind, so there's a reason things have to be hard right now. But I could really use a break. The night before I left, I went to get Golden Spoon with my parents. They have been so encouraging through this whole process, so it was good to hang out with them. Here's the thing.. I have this "mixed tape" a friend of mine gave me, and there are specific songs that make me bawl and feel totally conflicted. One of the songs on there is a song I had never even HEARD before, but fell in love with. At Golden Spoon, they put on music since things had started to wind down.. and that song was the first one to play. I was like "Seriously? Now?" BUT, I figured it was just a lame fluke and tried to get my mind back on track. The next day, I got on the plane, and they turned on music while people finished finding their seats and boarding. The first song to play? THAT SONG. At that point, I was like, "Dude, what is going ON right now?!" THEN, just to REALLY drive a stake through my heart, when I was on the flight from Anchorage to Fairbanks (and it was a totally different airline, mind you) and it was time to deplane, they played music. The last song to play was THAT SONG. I almost punched the window. I was tempted to bang my head against the upright tray table, but I figured that would make me look like a crazy person. I refrained. Today, I spoke with my brother Max who is watching my pets, and he tells me that in the freaking FOUR DAYS I've been gone, Nandi has already bitten two people. We've been lucky so far.. she's never broken skin.. but it only takes one time. I feel SO guilty for having to leave her for a few weeks. She has terrible separation anxiety, and it's gotten steadily worse since Anna, Ryan, and Dan have all left. It's really heartbreaking to me.. she's my baby, and we're pretty much connected at the hip.. er.. hip to head. Whatever. You understand. I miss her terribly, and I miss my brother and family and friends. I guess I'm missing routine and normalcy. I'm not sad ALL the time.. Dan and I laugh a lot and are getting to spend a lot of time together. But I can't shake this homesickness in the shadow of my heart.. the part that has nothing to do with missing a place, but missing people who are home to you. Sometimes I can't tell if the cold is coming from the outside, or actually emanating from inside me.

Oh, and it was only -2 today. It's heat wave, obviously. Of course, I'm adding lyrics to this post. It's therapeutic for me. It's an oldie but a goodie. :)

"I thought I heard your voice yesterday
When I turned around to say that I love you
Then I realized it was just my mind
Playing tricks on me
It seems colder lately at night
And I try to sleep with the lights on
Every time the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
I just can't believe that we're through

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

Is it done and over this time?
Have we really changed our minds?
But it's other's love
All the feeling that we used to share
I refuse to believe that you don't care

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

I've got to gather my senses to get there
I've been through worse kinds of weather
If it's over now, be strong
Can't believe that you're gone
Can't carry this over...
You're a part of me now

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