Sometimes, I even scare myself.

I'm not a stranger
No, I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists, I find it when I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic
That makes me feel anything, kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists, I find it when I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I am not a stranger
No, I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

Plumb - Cut

You can fire me. But, Bitch, don't think you can take me.

One Two Bedroom, Two Bathroom Apartment
Plus
Three Classic Stress Cases with OCD and Perpetual Anxiety
Plus
Three Broken Hearts
Plus
Three Volcanic and Often Unstable Tempers
Equals
One Very, VERY Immaculate Home

I'm pretty sure the smell of bleach will never leave at this point. And you could probably eat off the toilet seats.. I guarantee they have less bacteria than restaurant tables.

Not usually, no.

Him: "What do you say we call it a draw, huh? No harm, no foul."

Her: "You poisoned me and tried to shoot me with arrows."

Him: "Okay, maybe a little bit of foul."

I love babies.

Can I just say that Rachel's little adopted niece, Abigail, is the cutest baby ever? Ok, I know I say that about a lot of babies. I say it about Mason all the time, but he's kind of leaving the "baby" stage. Rachel's sister Sara needed a sitter at the last minute and I GLADLY took the job. Sara and Jon adopted Abby from Taiwan. She's so sweet and so full of love and smiles. I so did not want to leave!!

The past couple of days have been rough. Every once in a while, something will happen that will cause me to pause and look around and see just how fallen our world really is. The despair weighs me down. I cannot even begin to fathom how God manages to feel as much as He does. If we are made in His image, and if He feels everything we feel.. I just cannot process how He puts up with us. I have spent a LOT of time in tears the past few days.. my heart breaks for this world that is so lost. Our young people these days get sucked in and spat back out and we all just sit back and watch it happen. I want to be able to do more. I feel so powerless sometimes. I want to help SO SO badly.. I want to be able to help take the hurt away... but sometimes I do not even know where to start. I wish I had a better way of explaining myself... My heart just hurts. I have to be so careful not to let the emotional agony completely swallow me whole. I want God to use me, but most of the time I just feel like I'm wandering around in the dark, fumbling for purpose. Some sort of road map to my life would be fantastic right about now.

Fine. Let's be angry and do it your way.

Crying on the corner, waiting in the rain
I swear I'll never ever wait again
You gave me your word, but words for you are lies
Darling, in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go
But it's time to let you know

I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here

All of my life, I've been waiting in the rain
I've been waiting for a feeling that never ever came
It feels so close, but always disappear
Darling, in your wildest dreams, you never had a clue
But it's time you got the news

I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here

Darling,in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
Harden my heart, swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here

Quarter Flash - Harden My Heart

I think maybe he was right.

I feel better today.. more centered.. which is a totally lame word, but it seems to fit on some level. I leave you with a funny (courtesy of Fringe):

Peter: "Hey, we're looking for Big Bird."

Walter: "Don't be ridiculous. It's more like a pterodactyl."

Peter: "You're saying it had the claws of a lion and the fangs of a snake?"

Walter: "Reminds me of a woman I once knew in Cleveland."

Peter: "Walter, this thing would have been 8 feet long."

Walter: "Her name was Harriet."

Olivia: "How is everything?"

Peter: "Apparently, you're looking for a lion-snake named Harriet."

I'm going to need 781 boxes of denture cleaner.

Two of my closest friends, Shelby and Morgan, each have apartments by themselves in my apartment complex. I seriously don't understand how they do it. Maybe it is because I have a very large, very loud family and have grown accustomed to constant people and noise. Maybe it is because I have never actually lived alone. Whatever the reason, I am HATING having the apartment to myself. I am so beyond lonely. Even if I stay busy all day and go out at night, I still have to come home at some point to an empty apartment. The animals help... there are even some days when I prefer their company to that of the human variety. And though I am a total introvert and NEED alone time, I never expected to not have a choice. I hole up in my room when I am home because it is the only part of the apartment that I feel has always been JUST mine. The rest of the house depresses me. It is not that I CAN'T live alone.. like I'm some child that needs to be taken care of.. I just prefer knowing that there is someone else in the house, even if I'm not in the same room as they are. I AM SO FREAKING LONELY.

"Monster" is housewife for "raccoon."

I love my Jesus. Just when I think that God has tuned me out and no longer especially cared that I felt like I was drowning in my pain, He swoops in with a total moment of clarity and I'm able to realize everything is as it should be. He also reminded me once again that He has my best interests at heart, and sometimes pain is necessary to get me to where I need to be. He is faithful in answering prayer, but He does not always answer in the way I would have preferred. Even when I don't exactly know what I want, His answer may not be anything I expected. I can get so caught up in my own broken heart that I fail to see He has given me exactly what I asked for and needed.

Two nights ago, I found pot in Max's room. It almost killed me. With the way things have been for the last year or so, I didn't even think I had a heart left to break. It gave me physical chest pains to not only realize I had been played for a fool, but that maybe I never really knew Max to begin with. It makes you second guess yourself, and question your relationships with everyone around you. Max and I are unusually close as siblings. We've always been that way. It wasn't a secret that I put up with his crap way more than I probably should. But drugs in my house? I honestly thought he would never do that to me.. that he respected me too much. I was wrong. I KNEW I had to kick him out, but it was beyond hard for me (I finally understand what parents mean when they punish you and say "This hurts me more than it hurts you"). It is by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The only way I even could gather enough strength to do it was by putting Dan first. His name is on the lease, and Max's is not. We would have been held responsible, and Dan's career would have been in the toilet. I will not allow that to happen. He deserves better than that... but it still hurts. I think I've cried like 15 times just in the last two days.

By this morning, I was ready to never get out of bed again. My life is generally pretty chaotic, but the last 6 or so months have been ridiculous. I could NOT get ahead of the drama, not to mention the amount of times I felt like the people I trusted the most kept slapping me in the face. I was so tired of hurting. Dan and I have been growing in leaps and bounds in our marriage.. I can't even begin to explain the amount of restoration God has done. All I could think about was getting out of San Diego. And THAT is when it hit me.

For months, I had praying for the strength to leave.. to do the Godly thing and follow my husband to Alaska. During Dan's deployment, I sort of put down roots here and I couldn't stomach the idea of leaving the people and places that were so comforting and safe to me. Every single day I would ask God how He expected me to just up and leave when things were so rocky with Dan and I felt so much more loved down here. I didn't exactly know how I wanted Him to go about getting me up there, but I was expecting something... well.. positive. Something that would not be painful and hard to deal with. I should have known better. The chain of events that have occurred since January were.. unpleasant. I was pretty much reeling from all the emotional blows. Things I had never even thought to worry about came out of nowhere, prompting my favorite lines to be: "What just happened?!" and "What is going on right now?!" By the time finding pot in Max's room rolled around, I was in a complete and total funk and could feel myself slipping into a depression. Last night, my prayers went something like: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU EXPECT OF ME ANYMORE! WHERE ARE YOU?!" I could feel God moving in my marriage.. I was pretty doubtful I would ever feel the same about my relationship with Dan.. and actually, I was right.. I just didn't expect where we are now to be SO much more healthy and amazing. I knew it was all God, and while I was so thankful things were getting better in my marriage, I couldn't hear God about what I was supposed to be doing HERE. Imagine my surprise this morning when I realized that God had done exactly what I asked.. but He did it by removing every obstacle that was keeping me from leaving. I LOVED being Mason's nanny and I would cry every time I thought about leaving him.. but then his parents moved to Carlsbad, making the commute to work horrendous. His new nanny lives in Carlsbad as well, which means he will get to see her way more often than me (it's seriously like a 40 minute drive to their house). I loved my apartment, but the crime rate in my neighborhood has sky rocketed, making the expensive rent no longer worth it (a guy got stabbed in the head with a screwdriver in my parking lot and I swear an entire band of homeless people have moved to my street). It's so bad that even if I was staying here, I would be moving out of the area. The idea of leaving Max still kills me, but I no longer feel guilty about moving out of our apartment because he isn't living here anymore. The people I had been close to, the ones in my weekly routine that I couldn't imagine not being there, have either moved (or about to move), or circumstances in the relationship has led to much needed space. There have been numerous other things along those lines, and all were pretty painful to deal with. I was so focused on the individual events that I failed to see the big picture until now.

While I am still hurting in a lot of ways, it was a great relief to see that God is paying attention. I could kick myself for not trusting Him.. for getting frustrated with Him. It is ridiculous to me sometimes that I have been a Christian my entire life and despite God not EVER letting me down, I still expect Him to bail. So lame. It is a good thing that in my relationship with God, at least one of us knows the best course of action. Half the time I don't even know what I want.. my heart wanders.. I feel lost.. and yet I sometimes trust myself rather than trust God, or assume I know how things should go when my reality is so small and limited. Lucky for us as humans, God never even considers bailing on us.. and love doesn't get any better than that.

You're not sorry.

I feel like I need to just sit staring at the wall for a while. No, really. You get to a place where you think that there is no way your heart can be broken into any more pieces.. I hate the place my heart is in right now. I have worked SO hard to handle stress and overwhelming emotions in a healthy way.. and yet here I am again. All I want to do is crawl into my happy place (the bed) with my kids (the dogs) and turn off my cell phone and just be numb. It all just hurts too much. I can't handle all the lies. And I'm tired of being alone.

You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taken me this long
Baby, but I've figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you
Baby, like I did before
You're not sorry, no no

You're looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could have loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you've got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being the last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Because it's worked each time before

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you
Baby, like I did before
You're not sorry, no no
You're not sorry

You had me crawling for you, honey
And it never would have gone away
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you
Baby, like I did before
You're not sorry, no no

High in protein, tastier than you might think. Especially millipedes.

Well, I successfully made it back to San Diego. It's so weird coming back here after being in such a small town. I almost immediately felt like the walls were closing in around me. This bizarre feeling, limbo space I am in is making me antsy. I understand now why God does not want us to be lukewarm.. why He doesn't want us to straddle the fence between the world and His Word. It makes things WAY harder than they need to be.

I had a flashback this evening of my second year in college. I had walked up to my friend, Morgan's, house and didn't take my keys. During the time I was over there helping her get ready for this big date she's been looking forward to for months now (it's complicated), Max came home from work. When he left, he locked the door thinking I was asleep in my room. By the time we figured out I was locked out, Max was well on his way to a friend's house who lives like 25 minutes away. He suggested I try the back door. Our apartment sits sort of inside a hill.. our front door is on ground level, but you go downstairs immediately upon entering. I am not coordinated at ALL, so trying to climb across this muddy hill (OF COURSE, the sprinklers had to have already gone off) without killing myself was ridiculous. I'm short, which makes climbing over fences next to impossible sometimes. I did manage to make it in without breaking anything, but I'm getting WAY too old for this sneaking into the house crap. :) It makes me laugh to think that during college when I lived with my parents, I was always sneaking IN rather than out. They always knew where I was, but worried about my lack of sleep and late nights. I know, I know.. I'm SUCH a rebel.

My parents went on a cruise this last week to Mexico, but ended up getting turned around thanks to the swine flu "epidemic." Rather than spending time in the warm sun on nice beaches, they instead got to spend time in San Fransisco. In the rain. At like 40 degrees. Good times.

Remember when you were little and the opposite sex was like the grossest thing EVER? How we all needed to get cootie shots because obviously the opposing gender was INFECTED? I've decided there is definitely something to that theory.

"I probably shouldn't say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we shared
It was awesome, but we lost it
It's not possible for me not to care
And now we're standing in the rain
And nothing is ever going to change
Until you hear, my dear

The 7 things I hate about you
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make my laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends, they're jerks
When you act like them, just know it hurts
I want to be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do?
You make me love you

It's awkward and silent
As I wait for you to say
What I need to hear now
Your sincere apology
When you mean it, I'll believe it
If you text it, I'll delete it
Let's be clear, I'm not coming back
You're taking 7 steps here

The 7 things I hate about you
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make my laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends, they're jerks
When you act like them, just know it hurts
I want to be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do?
You make me love you

And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention the 7 that I like

The 7 things I like about you
Your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's
When we kiss, I'm hypnotized
You make me laugh, you make me cry
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy
Your hands in mine
When we're intertwined every thing's all right
I want to be with the one that I know
And the 7th thing I like the most that you do?
You make me love you."

At the tone, you're on your own.

Everything is so messed up. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I don't understand how I got here. I'm so frustrated with life and God and men and who I am. I HATE THIS.

"I'm lying in my bed all alone
Called you once again, no one is home
It's raining outside on Saturday night
Turning out the light, again I try
My friends say I'm too good, too good for you
And maybe that is true; well, I don't care
What do they all know? They got it all wrong
This is so unfair, they're playing our song

Nobody gets too much heaven no more
It's much harder to come by
I'm waiting in line
Nobody gets too much love anymore
It's as high as a mountain and harder to climb

Something is going on, what is wrong?
I want you to be here, why won't you come
And spend some time with me? Can't you see?
Have we come undone? Is this the end of our song?

Nobody gets too much heaven no more
It's much harder to come by
I'm waiting in line
Nobody gets too much love anymore
It's as high as a mountain and harder to climb

How do I deal with how I feel?
How to reveal, what is real love?
Another day fades away, and so I say

Nobody gets too much heaven no more
It's much harder to come by
I'm waiting in line
Nobody gets too much love anymore
It's as high as a mountain and harder to climb.."

I'm in a world of hurt.

Stoplight, lock the door
Don't look back
Undress in the dark
And hide from you
All of you
You'll never know the way your words have haunted me
I can't believe you'd ask these things of me
You don't know me

You belong to me, my Snow White Queen
There's nowhere to run
So let's just get it over
Soon, I know you'll see
You're just like me
Don't scream anymore, my love
'Cause all I want is you

Wake up in a dream
Frozen in fear
All your hands on me
I can't scream, I can't scream
I can't escape the twisted way you think of me
I feel you in my dreams and I don't sleep

You belong to me, my Snow White Queen
There's nowhere to run
So let's just get it over
Soon, I know you'll see
You're just like me
Don't scream anymore, my love
'Cause all I want is you

I can't save your life
Though nothing I bleed for is more tormenting
I'm losing my mind and you just stand there
And stare as my world divides

You belong to me, my Snow White Queen
There's nowhere to run
So let's just get it over
Soon, I know you'll see
You're just like me
Don't scream anymore, my love
'Cause all I want is you
All I want is you

Speculating on the assumptions made here.

The snow has been melting pretty rapidly in the last week. What is crazy is that it sounded like continuous rain even though the sun was out. In fact, it sounded so much like rain that when I went outside and it was ACTUALLY raining, I got all disoriented. Good times.

Since the cat has officially been let out of the bag (or in other words, my brother finally spilled to my dad and Debbie), I can now formally announce that Max and his girlfriend (sort of), Sarah, are pregnant. The boy moves at lightening speed. In the 6 weeks I've been in Alaska, he managed to call it quits with Vanessa, meet and start dating Sarah, and get her pregnant on accident. After much discussion, they decided to try and keep the baby. I admit I'm a little.. disappointed. It is always hard to see someone else stumble into something that you've actually tried to do the right way and not been able to succeed. I know, I know.. God's timing and all that jazz. I'm also bumming that I won't be around to really get to know Sarah and eventually the baby. It makes the move that much harder on me.. and of course, Max knows EXACTLY what to say to make me feel horribly guilty for leaving. Like I have a choice. Max actually told me about the baby before telling my dad, which made my life even worse for a short while. I knew my parents would kill me when they found out I knew but had not told them. I WANTED to tell them. All of us kids are SUPER close to our parents and step-parents. We pretty much tell them everything, and they are some of the first people we go to when we need help or advice or encouragement (we're very blessed in that department). My mom knew, which made it a little easier, but not being able to call and talk it over with my dad was awful. To his credit, he knew something was up because I kept calling him and ALMOST spilling the beans. I'm the worst liar by omission ever. And it's amazing to me that I'm 24 and married and can still feel guilty for keeping something from my parents. Ha ha.

In other news, my good friends Matt and Ryan were apparently in a gnarly car accident on Sunday. They're lucky nobody was hurt.. although I almost killed both of them upon hearing of the accident through Facebook and not from a phone call from one of them. In hindsight, I should have known they were fine since it was on Matt's Facebook and I doubt he would be updating his status from the grave.. unless perhaps even God has joined the Facebook network and Matt was updating from Heaven. At any rate, when I read that both he AND Ryan had been in the car, I nearly killed myself trying to get to my phone. Dan was on the couch talking to his mom on the other cell phone, and I'm pretty sure his thought process was something along the lines of "There goes my crazy wife again" as I ran into his big Army trunk hard enough to my bruise my shin and barely notice. It's funny how everything in you pretty much shuts down except this blinding need to make sure the people you love who might be in danger are in fact alive and kicking. Matt actually answered the phone sounding rather cheerful.. CHEERFUL! Ugh. And of course, getting accident details from him was ridiculous because he's a guy and sucks at relaying detailed accounts. The details he DID share were details I could have lived without such as how hard the impact was.. not the best image to have in my head. It makes me wince to think about it. I think what made my panic even more intense was the fact that multiple people in my extended family have died in the last week, so I already had death on the brain. All I could think was: "No, no, NO! Surely God would not be that cruel.. to take both of them at the same time." I'm not entirely sure I would recover from that sort of blow. Next to the men in my immediate family, Matt and Ryan the two men my life wouldn't be complete without. BUT, everyone was ok, aside from the car which was totalled (and that sucks on a whole other level for Ryan because the poor guy just had his engine rebuilt).

I come home in less than a week! I'm not really looking forward to the red eye flight, but only so many flights are available after all the volcano nonsense in Anchorage. Did I mention that volcanic ash travels so far that even though we're like 8 hours away from it, we're still get the dust? It drives me INSANE. Not only do my allergies hate me, but I can't keep anything wiped down! It's a never ending process. It doesn't help that all of the furniture we're currently using is black. Since the dust is white, you see what an issue this is. Pbbbt.

Boys Don't Cry

This weird limbo place is getting old. I don't understand what God is trying to do, and in all honesty, it gets old. For a while there, I felt like things were coming together and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Except I think maybe I tripped over something I couldn't see in the dark, and when I got back up, I was all turned around and confused which way to walk. I'm pretty lonely right now, and everyone else seems to have WAY more faith in me than I have in me. I'm actually jealous of my brothers these days. I'm stressed over money because the Army throws things at you last minute and expects you to be able to go harvest bills from the money trees in the backyard or something. Whatever. I'm so over all of this.

You sit there on the couch
Sipping your scotch and ice
You turn the TV on
And tune me out again

So what would you say to me
If you could talk to me?
If you could ask anything
And I wouldn't lie?
But you're ok with this damaging awkwardness
So I'll just play it safe
And keep it inside
Boys don't cry

I used to hold your hand
So tight there was no question
But now even when you're near
I've never felt so alone

So what would you say to me
If you could talk to me?
If you could ask anything
And I wouldn't lie?
But you're ok with this damaging awkwardness
So I'll just play it safe
And keep it inside
Boys don't cry

If you just stand beside me
I'll keep you in my life
Tell me how much you love me
And I'll be just fine
Don't be afraid of me

So what would you say to me
If you could talk to me?
If you could ask anything
And I wouldn't lie?
But you're ok with this damaging awkwardness
So I'll just play it safe
And keep it inside
Boys don't cry

What is going on?!

I am pretty certain my stress level has reached an all time high. Ok, maybe not ALL time, but definitely enough to make me want to get off this ride I call life (and please, nobody assume that means I'm about to off myself at any minute). I finally bought my plane ticket home, and I get in the morning of the 29th. I'm so excited to see my animals, I can't even see straight.

This week consisted of phone call after phone call of not so great news. My Uncle Bluford died out of nowhere. He was one of my favorites. The last two times I was in Kentucky, I kept promising I would come over and visit with him, but things were so busy, it just never happened. Now it's too late, and it breaks my heart. My cousin, Stephanie, his daughter, is only a couple years older than I am.. I can't even imagine losing my dad at this age. I still need him too much. My brother, Max, dropped a bombshell on me out of the blue. The boy seriously needs to learn to prepare the person he's talking to before blurting out whatever is going on. I am completely at a loss as to how I'm supposed to deal with this. I'm having intense bout of deja vu, and it sort of makes me want to go hide in a hole somewhere. My best friend, Rachel, is currently in Canada visiting her fiance.. except I'm not entirely sure if she's getting married anymore. It breaks my heart, and gives me anxiety to think of her getting to stay in San Diego and me still having to move. She deserves better than the way she is being treated. And let us not even get into my inferiority complex when it comes to the role I need to play in Dan's life.

Coming to Alaska was supposed to relieve stress, not make it worse. So much for that idea. I have the distinct feeling that things are going to get much worse before they get better. Bah.

All over the place.

Today was one of those days where you find yourself yelling phrases like "WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!" at the ceiling. I feel inadequate at this whole Rear-D Commander's wife thing. I'm not exactly the cookie-cutter military spouse to begin with, not to mention kind of girl retarded. I end up feeling inferior, which makes me shy and quiet, which ends up coming off as being stuck up. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that Dan is more than made for a position like this.. I just don't see how I fit into the big picture. I'm really not as strong as I come off to be. I seriously didn't say ONE word during the meeting. It didn't help that everyone already knew each other. And let's not even go into the fact that all the other wives my age were definitely NOT the wives of officers. Poor Dan was totally uncomfortable as well trying to figure out how to act around all these married women whose husbands are in the sandbox. His reaction to any uncomfortable situation is to make people laugh, which in turn comes off as flirting to me. This does not land us in happy territory. All the wives are SO pretty and cute and social.. and then there's me. I know I'm meant to be here, but I don't understand why God thinks I'm strong enough to be in this role. I KNOW I have to try, but I'm feeling the distinct urge to run for the hills.. or maybe bury my head in the sand like an ostrich. I'm really overwhelmed. God seems to have WAY more faith in me than I have in me. At any rate, I spent a bunch of time on the phone with Amanda and she always makes me laugh, so that helped. And then on the way home, I flipped on the radio just to drown out all the noise in my head. I normally hate Miley Cyrus, but I honestly think God can speak to you through ANY music.. and this song for some reason made me feel like everything was going to be ok.

"I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
'You'll never reach it'
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what is waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments
That I'm gonna remember most
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what is waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving, keep on climbing
Keep the faith
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith"

HAPPY EASTER!

Church this morning was awesome. I never get tired of hearing about Jesus and the great sacrifice He made for me. Sometimes I struggle with that idea.. it breaks my heart that He had to DIE in order to save us. I wish there had been an easier way. BUT, that's what happens when you live in such a fallen world. It is a good reminder to choose to do the right thing.. what God is calling you to do.. even when some days you feel down right weary from fighting with the darkness.

The temperature continues to climb, and the snow continues to melt. Despite this, I still wear boots, jeans, a long sleeve shirt, and a jacket. Sometimes I add a snow vest, too. In church this morning, I was shocked to see women wearing spring dresses without sweaters. Some of them even had open toed shoes and apparently forgot tights. Dude, 35 degrees is NOT sundress weather! If it were this cold in San Diego, people would be arriving at church in Uggz and knit hats and wool scarves. So strange.

Happy Easter! Chocolate is good, but Jesus is better!

"Did the grass sing?
Did the earth rejoice to feel You again?
Over and over like a trumpet underground
Did the earth seem to pound: 'He is Risen'?
Over and over in a neverending round
'He is risen! Alleluia! Alleluia!'"

I'm just... tired..

This Woman Needs - SheDaisy

This woman takes on the world
And picks up your shirts
Keeps it together somehow
This same woman
That melts with your touch
Wants you to feel what I'm feeling right now

Cause this woman needs a safe place to land
The strength in your hands
To know you know what this woman needs
Is somewhere to cry
So lay by my side and I'll tell you
I'll tell you this woman needs

To be reassured that my heart's your home
Your love is what wills you stay
I need you to see me in every light
And hear that you still think I'm beautiful anyway

Cause this woman needs a safe place to land
The strength in your hands
To know you know what this woman needs
Is somewhere to cry
So lay by my side and I'll tell you
I'll tell you what this woman needs

I could totally live here forever.

I seriously LOVE Alaska. I cannot even put into words how much I love it here. I know, I know.. "just wait until winter." The thing is, I don't think I'm going to change my mind. I've felt as low as -19 degrees since I've been here, and yeah, it was cold.. even hard to breathe cold. But I LIKE the cold. One of my biggest problems with living in California is my allergy to the sun. For those of you who don't know, I seriously can only be out in direct sunlight for like 15 minutes before I feel like my skin is frying off. It's extremely painful, and VERY annoying. Going to the beach is a freaking EVENT because I have to prepare so much ahead of time.. and even fully prepared, more than say three hours at the beach (even with an umbrella) leaves me totally dehydrated and uncomfortable. I've made myself very, VERY sick in the past by trying to pretend I could be like everybody else. Not so much. At least here, because the weather is cold, I can cover up comfortably. I even have beanies with visors so I don't have to worry about my face (which is generally the only thing NOT covered). Most people can't even begin to understand the freedom I feel out here. And to be honest, it's more than freedom from sun poisoning. This whole place is just.. FREEING. Standing in the woods on awesome bridge trails with no one else around and complete silence for the first time made me feel like I could BREATHE. I get almost claustrophobic in highly populated areas. I did not realize how much I missed not feeling like walls and people were pressing in on me all the time.

On a whole other note, snow is really noisy. The weather has started slowly climbing upwards (today it was 42!) which means all the snow is melting. And it's LOUD.. like continuous rain sometimes, except not nearly as relaxing. I have decided that I really like the way hard snow sounds and feels under my boots. It makes me happy. I'm just waiting for the big ice break to happen. People out here all turn in forms betting on when the large, frozen body of water is finally going to crack. They make bets down to the SECOND. It's crazy. And apparently, the noise is deafening. I can just see me going into cardiac arrest because it happens while Dan is at work and I'm all alone. Good times.

One step forward, two steps back. Or three. Or four.

Aaaaand we're back to square one. L-A-M-E.

Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

Well I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it every day
I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

She wants to go home
But nobody's home
It's where she lies broken inside
There's no place to go
No place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes and look outside
Find the reasons why you've been rejected
No, you can't find what you've left behind
Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She has fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place
She's lost inside, lost inside

Sore Throat + Exhaustion + Homesickness + Feeling Fat = Sad Day

I'm feeling old school emotional tonight. Ha ha. :)

Don't Turn Around - Ace of Base

I will survive without you
Don't tell me that you want to leave

If you want to leave
I won't beg you to stay
And if you gotta go, darling
Maybe it's better that way
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Walk out that door
See if I care, go and go

But don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go, but I won't let you know
I won't let you know

I won't miss your arms around me
Holding me tight (holding me tight)
And if you ever think about me
Just know that I'll be alright
I'll be alright
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
I will survive, I'll make it through
I'll even learn to live without you

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know

I wish I could sream out loud
That I love you
I wish I could say to you "Don't go!"

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
Baby, don't turn around, don't turn around
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
Don't turn around

Learning how to balance. (Part Two)

All that being said, the "finding myself" (so cliche) process was very similar. That is not to say that I simply shucked all responsibilities and relationships out the window- I'm hardwired to be much more responsible than that. However, my main focus was on ME. I wanted to lose control for once. I was going to do what I wanted and answer to no one. The problem with answering to "no one" is that it can very quickly turn into not even wanting to answer to God. I was lucky or blessed or both to have not been so far gone that I could ignore (or even not hear) God's voice all together.

I completely turned inward, and a lot of my relationships sort of fell to the wayside for a little while. I spent most of my time making sure to surround myself with people who empowered me and helped me to come into my own. I was treading a very line between learning to trust myself and being totally selfish. It was rough. I was emotionally and spiritually exhausted, and in a vulnerable place. I assure you Satan took full advantage of that. I assure you I fell into his traps more than once. But I also assure you that God is faithful and able to outscream the lies that Satan is feeding you if you just stop and listen hard enough. The balance of being who you are and being obnoxiously self-centered is a hard one to strike. And so I "relapsed". Maybe it was guilt. I was not used to these new feelings of being independent (not that I wasn't independent before, it was just in a different way) and it frightened me. It sounds lame, I know.

Just when I thought I was going to lose myself completely and end up undoing all the positive strides I had made, God pulled me back from the ledge. He saved my life all over again. The fear of losing who I have become and who I am meant to be terrified me. And then something clicked in my head: I needed balance. Easy enough, right? Um, I'm going with wrong. The art of serving others and caring deeply for other people while still maintaining my identity has been hard. More than hard. And I am not totally there yet. The great thing is that I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, although I am sure this is something I will always have to keep in check.

So here is what I've learned: I do not WANT to do whatever I want. I want to do what God wants. I have always wanted that to a certain extent, but this is a whole other ball game, my friends. I do not necessarily want life to be easy. God has taught me in SO many ways that if life is incredibly easy for you, you're probably doing something wrong. After all, Satan does not tend to mess with people who are not a threat (worry not.. I'm not necessarily saying that if life does seem easy, God is bound to smite you at any moment). I am learning to get out of my bubble and engage the people around me. We are relational beings, and we need face to face connections with others even when it is uncomfortable. I am taking baby steps: smiling at strangers, responding to cashiers being polite rather than clamming up and staring at my feet. Worrying about saying the wrong thing and looking like an idiot is very real for me. My friend, Jeff, once said that it should not matter how you come off because the people who do not find you ridiculous are the people God has picked out to be in your life. He's a wise one, that Jeff. :) But as always, easier said than done. I took a huge leap of faith this last weekend and joined an off-roading Jeep club with Dan despite feeling like puking from nerves waiting for the meeting to begin. And what do you know? I survived to talk about it. Life is complex. Love is complex. I am complex.. because I am made in the image of a very complex God. God is the ultimate definition of balance, and I figure if I am made in His image, then it makes sense why my heart longs for that same way of being. I'm still being molded and shaped, and though a lot of times the fire to harden the clay is painful, I really enjoy the finished product.

Learning how to balance (Part One).

I was talking with my dad this morning and I thought I'd share what we talked about and the growth I'm currently going through. I orginally planned it to be all one blog, but it got pretty long so I'm breaking it into two. The biggest process I'm currently undertaking in my life is that of balance. I tend to be a pretty unbalanced person.. ok, that makes me sound like I'm crazy (and to some, maybe I am). Ha ha. What I'm trying to say is that I tend to run in extremes. I'm extremely introverted, extremely private, extremely anxious.. guilty.. self-conscious.. controlled.. responsible.. self-doubting.. strong. With me, it tends to be all or nothing.

This can be problematic in the grand scheme of things. As a person, it isn't healthy to BE extreme. Ecclesiastes 7:18 says: "It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." I'm learning that it takes a much stronger person to practice balance than it does to live in a comfortable extreme.

Let me explain. My whole life, I never properly learned how to care for others AND care for myself. I get so busy taking care of everyone else that I forget to take care of myself. This has led to drastic and somewhat dire consequences in my life.. especially when it comes to my health. I finally pulled it together enough (or fell part enough, depending on the way you look at it) to start going to regular therapy sessions. For the first time in my life, I had to deal with.. well.. me. My issues. My problems. My background and history and shortcomings and strengths. It was brutal, but the outcome has been phenomenal. But here's the thing: in order to find balance, I first had to run the "all about me" extreme for a short time. This can be a dangerous place for the mind to go. When you start focusing so much on yourself, when you start blocking key people out, things get messy. Without someone who knows what they're doing in your life to pull you back from the edge in just the right timing, you can fall too far and the climb back can be agonizing.

The best example I have to explain all of this is the nutritional part of an eating disorder recovery program. When your weight is low and your calorie intake is practically non-existant, the nutrionists don't care WHAT you're eating as long as you're EATING. You're encouraged to eat WHATEVER sounds good. Nutritional value is of no consequence. Soda (non-diet) and sugary, high fat foods are a must. Salt is discouraged only because it makes you retain water and then they can't get an accurate read on your weight gain. You're encouraged to be selfish. The people closest to you (like, say, my husband) who are used to sharing food and ordering less because they know you aren't going to finish your food have to rethink how to order.. because once we feel like we have permission to eat, we're going to order in boatloads. Our eyes our WAY bigger than our stomaches, but the pressure of having to share MUST be removed.. otherwise, we feel like we have to eat less to ensure the other person gets enough to eat. I wasted a lot of food and a lot of money.. but it was part of the process. The bottom line though is that you cannot eat this way forever. Even if you're blessed with metabolism that keeps you from ballooning up, your body NEEDS certain nutrients and you can't ignore them forever (well, at least not if you want to live a long, productive life). Then I relapsed. I lost like 35 or 40 pounds in 4 months. This is beyond dangerous for my heart, and my family freaked out. We were all realizing something drastic had to change in the way I handled food. So for the last 18 months, the people closest to me have worked with me on balance. We make sure I not only get ENOUGH to eat during the day, but also the RIGHT things to eat. We started small, making sure I ate two meals a day.. and not Amber meals, but "normal" and "balanced" meals. Deals were struck: if I ate what I was supposed to be eating and taking care of my body for a week, a friend of mine wouldn't go rock climbing and mess with an already overused shoulder for the same amount of time. Sometimes, I was even bribed. Eventually, my body fell into a routine. I didn't even mean for it to happen. One day I'm smuggly making deals thinking I'm getting my way in some areas, and the next my body is demanding food at regular intervals. The thing is, I LIKE the balance. These days, I eat small amounts all day. I generally eat 6 meals, and I snack. What's crazy is I haven't actually gained any weight back. I've stopped losing, and I'm pretty happy where I am.. something I've never been able to say before, even at a size 1.

What I Cannot Change

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day
And pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh, the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my father or my mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk
We can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self-inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world
Than it is to please myself
Oh, the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now, I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Don't make an answer out of a question.

I love the feeling of normal. Seriously. I had forgotten how much I love just being "normal" with Daniel. Actually living in the same house again is improving things ten-fold. I had feared that the distance had changed us too much.. that we were apart for too long. And the distance HAS changed us. The great thing is that now that the distance is gone, he is back to his normal, laid-back, let me do whatever I want (ha ha) self, and he's totally accepting of the positive changes I have made in my life in his absence. It's comfortable again, but comfortable in a GOOD way.

Here's what sucks: it's normal and comfortable. But my life still feels.. incomplete. I feel like I'm straddling some weird invincible line because I'm here, but half of my life is still in San Diego. Being just us has been great.. we've worked HARD on our relationship, found a church (Bethel Chapel), and are looking for a permanent residence. But I still wish there was a way to combine both my worlds. I feel like my relationship with Dan and my "home" life in San Diego have been two separate worlds for too long. In fact, the worlds haven't REALLY intertwined since the first two months Dan and I were dating. Maybe I'll feel better when I have my animals up here and all of my stuff.. but I think it is more than that. Much more. I know this is where I'm supposed to be... wherever Dan is. And I LOVE Alaska. And God has a far better plan than I could ever imagine. So I guess I'll just.. well.. wait.

I miss Nandi like crazy. I didn't realize how much I had come to rely on her presence to feel safe. When Dan isn't home, my anxiety starts to resemble a coiled spring. Don't get me wrong. Alaska isn't like, crazy unsafe or anything. It just has a lot of weird noises.. none of them normal city noises. And our current apartment complex has really thin walls, so every time someone comes home, it sounds like someone is trying to come in our front door. This is not OK. Now, realistically, I shouldn't be worried. Our front door locks automatically when you shut it, so it's not like anyone can ever just walk in. But I've come to rely on Nandi's ears and instincts. As long as she's not nervous, I'm not nervous. I know that as soon as she gets used to new noises, she can tell what she needs to worry about and what she doesn't. I wish I had the same ability. I'm also not used to not having her connected to my hip. I would get annoyed sometimes, but now I actually miss it! Sad day.

I guess that is it. Not a whole lot to report. My sinuses have finally stopped bleeding. Dan's mom suggested we get a humidifier and it saved my life. Ha ha. I was randomly sick for a few days.. not sure what happened there, but my body was not happy. The amount of static in the air is INSANE. After days of having my hair stick up in every direction, I finally had to buy a spray to keep it under control. I was about 10 seconds away from rubbing dryer sheets on my head. :) I'm totally into Evanescence right now. I bought their album "The Open Door" a couple of years ago, but wasn't really into it. I revisited it recently, and I'm totally hooked. TOTALLY hooked. I've been playing the computer game Titan Quest in my down time. How big of a dork am I? :) I recently finished my second sci-fi novel EVER. It took me forever.. all of the weird names and made-up words and crazy amounts of characters gets me pretty lost at first. I couldn't even get through Harry Potter. But I'm finding if I stick with it, eventually it all makes sense and I can keep everything straight. So that's me.

Things that made me laugh this week.

1) Stepping out of the car at Wal-Mart and totally eating it.. then not being able to get back up because it was so freaking slippery. I landed on my hip, but somehow both my knees bruised as well. The jolt of hitting the ground so hard is making me feel like I worked out too hard. My arms and abs are still killing me.

2) Hearing "Reveille" play every single day on post. I am pretty sure we somehow ended up back in the Civil War.

3) Listening to the librarian give a long, detailed story on how she bought a candy bar for $1.00 and didn't realize she handed the girl selling them a $10.00 bill. Apparently, she had to go back and look for a lost glove, so the girl was able to give her back change. She seriously acted like she had given the girl $100 bill. The other librarians all gasped at this story as if it were a life and death situation instead of nine dollars.

4) The "rebel" teenager who walked into Taco Bell. His outfit made him look like a pirate (black bandanna and a hoop earring). His t-shirt had the words "The Man" with an arrow pointing up to his head. And below that? The words "The Legend" with an arrow pointing down. I actually snorted soda up my nose. I really wanted to go up to him and demand proof of this "legend."

5) Hearing that the volcano in Anchorage erupted five times. That isn't entirely funny, but I know they took it off of watch like two weeks ago and it then exploded this past Sunday. It's so comforting to know our natural disaster technology is so accurate. Pbbbt.

6) Listening to two guys discuss the electronic store "Fry's." You would think they were talking about the Fountain of Youth or something.. THAT'S how excited they were. And they've never actually been to one. There isn't even one IN Alaska.

bad day. i'm feeling pretty lost.

i am the only one to blame for this
somehow it all ends up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high
and like Icarus, i collide
with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love
to give and die
to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce
the skin of One who loves
more deeply than the oceans
more abundant than the tears
of a worls embracing every heartache
can i be the one to sacrifice?
or grip the spear and
watch the blood and water flow?

to love You
take my world apart
to need You
i am on my knees
to love You
take my world apart
to need You
broken on my knees

all said and done, i stand alone
amongst remains of a life i should not own
it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
did You really have to die for me?
all i am, for all You are
because what i need and what i believe
are world's apart

i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
more and more i need You now
i owe You more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago
so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it Yours
take my world apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that i despise
speak the words i can't deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
i pray, i pray, i pray
take my world apart

-jars of clay

SO excited!

Twilight came out today! Hooray! Lucky for me, I was able to already pick up the 2-disc version. That alone makes it a good day. :) Dan thinks I'm ridiculous for being so into it.. it's just that the type of love shown in Twilight series is pretty much what every person hopes to have in a long-term relationship. Dan and I have very different views on love, so I don't think he totally gets it. I love on a whole other level.. which can sometimes be a bad thing because the people I love have the power to basically destroy me emotionally. I've learned a LOT about love over the last several months.. what it truely means to be loved unconditionally for who you are, not who everyone else thinks you should be; to love someone so much, the deep dark secrets cease to matter. I know I'm seeing the movie through different eyes, and I'm both excited and saddened by that. I guess I really am some crazy romantic at heart..

Wind Me Up and Watch Me Go

Over the past couple of months.. and maybe even longer than that if I'm being totally honest with myself.. I have come to realize that I have whole lot of anger inside me. Up until now, I have been able to hide it. I have always been terrified of my temper. I do NOT want to turn into the type of person who flies off the handle and attacks others. My dad was the firs to point it out to me when Dan was home in February and we attempted to solve some of our marital and communication issues. I think even my dad would be surprised at how furious I have become with the world.. or maybe my life, depending on the way you look at it. I came by the book "Angry Conversations with God" as a total fluke. I was looking for "The Excellent Wife," but apparently God had other plans for me.

Here is the thing: I have been a Christian my whole life. I have never doubted God's presence in my life. I love Him, and I love Jesus. My love has never faltered. That being said, I'm also upset with Him. I have finally realized that it is ok to get angry with God sometimes. After all, we tend to get the most angry with the people we love the most because they actually have a place in our hearts. A BIG place. Reading this book, I felt like I could have written it myself.

I do not WANT to be mad at God, and I certainly did not want to let others know that I was experiencing these negative feelings. I am supposed to be the strong one. Most people do not see that the calm exterior does not match my turbulent heart. I struggle with the things that have gone down in my life.. why things continually have to be hard for me no matter how much I plead with God to take some of it away. It terrifies me that God puts you through trials to prepare you for something bigger. I do not WANT anything bigger. I also know that the Bible says God will never give you more than you can handle, but I hate that the things piled onto my life cause me to consistently feel on the verge of destruction. I just want to feel better and stop all the tears.

Lucky for me, my faith is strong enough to keep me invested in my relationship with Christ. I do not feel the need to rebel against Him. I do not feel like I need to run from my Christian walk. I have been praying like a freaking maniac, and spend vast amounts of time listening for God's voice. In my darkest hours, I worry that I have done something wrong.. like maybe if I lived a better life somehow, things would improve. Blah.

I've been here one week.

You know the saying: "There's a fine line between love and hate?" I believe that. Both are such crazy strong emotions that it would make sense people struggle with exactly what they're feeling.. especially when it's a person they KNOW they love or loved at some point. At any rate, I've recently realized something similar along those same lines: there is a very fine line between too soon and too late. Why do I feel like they are one in the same?

From "Handle With Care":

"You are the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me, and the most painful... I love you, and I always will. Maybe more than I should... I thought that if I loved you hard enough, I could move mountains for you; I could make you fly. It didn't matter to me how that happened - just as long as it did. I wasn't thinking of who I might hurt, only who I could rescue... When it comes to memories, the good and the bad never balance" (273).

"'How can I miss him more when he's two feet away from me than when he's not around?'" (302).

"'A dutiful mother is someone who follows every step her child makes.' I said.
'And a good mother?'
I lifted my gaze to hers. 'Is someone whose child wants to follow HER'" (262).

"The more my hands moved, the less likely I was to let my mind wander... I'd left the pillows and bedding out, a just-in-case, as close as I could come to an apology. He came to the house every now and then to pick stuff up, but when he did, I felt like I was intruding. I would balance my checkbook, I would clean the bathroom, while listening to the two of you laugh in the other room... Sometimes I missed him viscerally. Sometimes I was angry at him. Sometimes I just wanted to turn back time... But mostly I wondered why the head could move so quickly while the heart dragged its feet. Even when I felt sure of myself and confident that I would be fine on my own, I still loved him. It felt like anything else permanent that has gone missing: a lost tooth, a severed leg. You might know better, but that doesn't keep your tongue from poking at the hole in your gum, or your phantom limb from aching" (268-269).

"This was worse than being judged by a jury of my peers. This was being judged by a jury of YOUR peers. I was, pure and simple, a failure... I cried until my eyes had swollen and my cheeks hurt. I cried until there was nothing left inside me" (271/272).

"Somewhere, in the deep creases of my mind - the folds where hope gets caught - I believed that whatever was wrong between you and me was reparable. It had to be, because when you love someone, you don't just suddenly lose that bond. Like any other energy, it can't be destroyed, just channeled into something else" (272).

How did we get here?

Ever feel like you aren't ever going to get past something? For example, some people say you never truely get over your first love. Now, for me, that isn't the case at all. It's so much bigger and deeper than I could ever put into words. I WANT to move on. I WANT to let all of this go. It's not working, and I feel exhausted.

Today.. sucked, I'm not going to lie. Ha ha. I've been out of heart medication for four days or so. This isn't anything new and different. I can be really bad about medication. I think it has something to do with rebellion, and something to do with pretending I'm just as healthy as everyone else. However, my body seems to defy me every chance it gets. By last night, I had the shakes so badly that when I tried underlining stuff in my book, it came out more like a squiggle. Game over. Time for the doctor. This is the part where I HATE the military. I called to get an appointment at the Family Practice Clinic, but since I'm still on Tricare West (I won't switch to Tricare Alaska until I actually move here), I couldn't be seen there. The connected me to a nurse, and after explaining everything all over again, she said I had to go to the ER. This really bothers me because I feel lame walking into the emergency room when so many people need it more than I do. On the other hand, I'm acutely aware that by the end of the week without the medication, my heart could fail completely (being at risk for a heart attack at 24 seriously sucks). We called the ER and checked the wait time, and since it was slow, we headed over there. The receptionist THOUGHT she knew what she was doing by calling the pharmacy and getting clearance just to go over there for a refill.. even though I told her like THREE FREAKING TIMES that I didn't have any refills left on the bottle. She kept insisting that was fine; that the pharmacy would fill it any way. Dude, I've been dealing with this terrible system for four years now. It's sad, but I TOTALLY knew more than she did, but she wouldn't listen. So we went back to the hotel, picked up the empty bottle, and went to the pharmacy.. where we were told there was nothing they could do since the pill bottle lacked refills. They told us I had to be seen at the emergency room. Well, no shit, Sherlock. We went BACK to the ER, and by this time, I was fuming. The problem with NOT having the heart medication is that my blood pressure spikes to dangerous levels, and I can't differenciate between actual angry feelings and simple high blood pressure. I get crazy anxiety, and I shake unconrtolably. I made sure to point out when we returned to the ER that SHE had made the mistake with the whole refill thing. I get so tired of people not listening to a word I say.. like they know my body better than I do. I know the routine in this case.. we go to the ER, I'm seen by a doctor, and he fills the prescription. Sounds easy, yes? Nope. First, I had to hear from some stupid doctor that I'm WAY too young to have hypertension, and actually kept making comments about how he wished I wouldn't refill the medication. This infuriated me even more. He doesn't know my background.. he doesn't know that I've struggled with an eating disorder for about a decade on and off.. that when the body is starving, it eats muscle.. the heart is a muscle. My body chose to eat that.. it can't be repaired, just maintained. He actually made me feel GUILTY for taking a medication that I would literally die without. Stupid man. We ended up having to wait for like three hours to be seen.. and by then, my anxiety was through the roof. I've spent WAY too much time in the ER to feel comfortable there. I was seriously ready to kill someone by the time we got out of there. Dan took it in stride, though. He's pretty brave for putting up with me. I feel better now that my heart isn't racing and I've stopped shaking. Sigh.

"Twilight" comes out on DVD soon! I'm ridiculously excited. Since I'm in Alaska, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get it the day it comes out. I'm stoked. The only problem is that the movie makes me think about things that I would prefer not to deal with. The idea that there are SO many different types of love.. that sometimes a person can love you to the best of his or her ability, but that may not be enough. The connections in the movie and the books are INTENSE.. and things have changed since I first read the series and saw the movie. I used to be able to see so much of my own feelings in it (minus the vampire thing.. ha ha). And while I still feel that way, I feel like the characters I once related others to has shifted uncomfortably. The big idea is this: it all comes down to who you can't live without. But what do you do when you aren't sure who that person is anymore?

Decoded - Paramore (from the Twilight soundtrack)

How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight
All the time
Nor could I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No, not this time, not this time

How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think I can't see
What kind of man you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I'll figure this one out
On my own

I'm screaming I love you so
(On my own)
But my thoughts you can't decode

Do you see what we've done?
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves

How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
I think I know, I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me
I want it to be true

Ice Sculptures Part Zwei

Ice Sculptures

I've been having a lot of fat days. Having to put on so many layers doesn't help this feeling (yes, Dan, I know.. "Fat isn't a feeling"). I feel like a snow beast every time I go outside. Logically, I know I haven't gained weight.. all my clothes fit the same. Still, the mirror seems rather cruel these days.

Happy St. Patrick's Day! There will be no green beer drinking for Amber. When you're as Irish as I am, you're exempt from all the stupid American St. Patrick's Day traditions. Ha ha. I briefly considered digging out my "Kiss me, I'm Irish!" pin, but decided Dan probably wouldn't appreciate that. :) Not to mention the fact that I get totally weirded out by strange men invading my bubble.

The pieces of my heart are missing you.

If you think that the difference between -10 and -15 degrees isn't THAT much of a change, think again. Dan and I had really great date night last night, but neither of us were fully prepared for the onslaught of the -15 temperature and the -35 wind chill factor. We ate dinner at this place called Ivory Jacks. I picked it out of the phone book because they sold seafood, and I was dying for a healthy dinner. While prices of food wasn't shown on the menu in the phonebook, they served things like escargot, so I figured it was a nice place. Um, not so much. The building of the restaurant is connected to its private liquor store, and I almost fell over when we actually stepped inside. It was.. very relaxed to put it mildly. None of the tables matched, and they were more like card tables than actual dining tables. The chairs didn't match either, but all of them were fold out card table chairs. When we sat down (which you do yourself like in Germany), the paper placemat definitely was about a walrus penis. I didn't even know WHAT to say about that. Dan was amused. The food was definitely expensive (yes, we ordered the escargot to start), but maybe the point was to serve good food without needing to dress up. At any rate, we went to the ice sculpting park right afterwards (I'll post pictures tomorrow), and it was amazing. Since it was dark by the time we got there, we got to see them all lit up. To get into the park, you actually walk through an ice castle. It was pretty rad.. although we were so freaking cold, we couldn't stop and appreciate each piece separately. We surveyed on the go, and only took pictures of the ones we liked the best. By the time we got back to the car, I couldn't feel my legs or feet. I'm not joking.. I was THAT cold. It was actually incredibly painful to thaw once we got the heat turned up and started getting warm. Dan's eyelashes had actually turned to ice. We learned our lesson though. It was all worth it in the end

Since I've been here, I've found myself in a weird place spiritually and emotionally. I feel like Satan is using every possible method to drag me down. I've been beating my body, mind, and heart into spiritual submission and discipline. While I know I'm doing what God has called me to do by being here with Dan, the blows just keep coming. Don't get me wrong.. I know God has the much bigger picture in mind, so there's a reason things have to be hard right now. But I could really use a break. The night before I left, I went to get Golden Spoon with my parents. They have been so encouraging through this whole process, so it was good to hang out with them. Here's the thing.. I have this "mixed tape" a friend of mine gave me, and there are specific songs that make me bawl and feel totally conflicted. One of the songs on there is a song I had never even HEARD before, but fell in love with. At Golden Spoon, they put on music since things had started to wind down.. and that song was the first one to play. I was like "Seriously? Now?" BUT, I figured it was just a lame fluke and tried to get my mind back on track. The next day, I got on the plane, and they turned on music while people finished finding their seats and boarding. The first song to play? THAT SONG. At that point, I was like, "Dude, what is going ON right now?!" THEN, just to REALLY drive a stake through my heart, when I was on the flight from Anchorage to Fairbanks (and it was a totally different airline, mind you) and it was time to deplane, they played music. The last song to play was THAT SONG. I almost punched the window. I was tempted to bang my head against the upright tray table, but I figured that would make me look like a crazy person. I refrained. Today, I spoke with my brother Max who is watching my pets, and he tells me that in the freaking FOUR DAYS I've been gone, Nandi has already bitten two people. We've been lucky so far.. she's never broken skin.. but it only takes one time. I feel SO guilty for having to leave her for a few weeks. She has terrible separation anxiety, and it's gotten steadily worse since Anna, Ryan, and Dan have all left. It's really heartbreaking to me.. she's my baby, and we're pretty much connected at the hip.. er.. hip to head. Whatever. You understand. I miss her terribly, and I miss my brother and family and friends. I guess I'm missing routine and normalcy. I'm not sad ALL the time.. Dan and I laugh a lot and are getting to spend a lot of time together. But I can't shake this homesickness in the shadow of my heart.. the part that has nothing to do with missing a place, but missing people who are home to you. Sometimes I can't tell if the cold is coming from the outside, or actually emanating from inside me.

Oh, and it was only -2 today. It's heat wave, obviously. Of course, I'm adding lyrics to this post. It's therapeutic for me. It's an oldie but a goodie. :)

"I thought I heard your voice yesterday
When I turned around to say that I love you
Then I realized it was just my mind
Playing tricks on me
It seems colder lately at night
And I try to sleep with the lights on
Every time the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
I just can't believe that we're through

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

Is it done and over this time?
Have we really changed our minds?
But it's other's love
All the feeling that we used to share
I refuse to believe that you don't care

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

I've got to gather my senses to get there
I've been through worse kinds of weather
If it's over now, be strong
Can't believe that you're gone
Can't carry this over...
You're a part of me now

-10 Degrees and Counting

My stupid sinuses are not adjusting to this cold weather very well. They started bleeding on Friday, and have steadily become more and more painful. This morning in the shower, I got my first ACTUAL nosebleed (not just the small amounts coming out now and then) and had no idea how much blood ends up going down the back of your throat. It made me crazy nauseous. Apparently, this is normal, and should pass once I get used to the cold.

Dan and I were both starting to have cabin fever from me being stuck inside trying to give my sinuses a break. I'm also used to walking Nandi at least 2 miles every day and going to the gym at least twice a week. I was dying for excercise. I suggested we walk over to the PX (for those not associated with the military, the PX is like a super tiny Target) since it's right across the street. I bundled up: undershirt, sweater, light jacket, snow jacket with hood, mittens, hat, socks, and boots. We stepped outside.. and I couldn't even BREATHE it was so cold. Like, it HURTS to breathe in air like that whether through your nose or through your mouth.. sort of like when you've spent too much time in the pool holding your breath and afterwards your chest and lungs hurt. We did indeed make it across the street, but I probably just killed my sinuses again. The pain in my nose and under my eyes is pretty hard core at the moment.

I think we're going to see the ice sculpture festival tonight.. assuming I don't die in the process. Ha ha. I'll post pictures if we go.. it's going to be crazy awesome. Oh, and P.S. I've seriously slipped every single time I've gone outside.. sometimes more than once. I can't even let go of Dan because he's the only thing keeping me from totally eating it. Pbbbt.

The First Morning. Two degrees.

I love Alaska, but am still homesick.

I made it to Alaska! It is absolutely surreal to be in this state. When I got in last night, it was 22 degrees. This morning when we got up, it was 2. TWO! What's funny is that I always used to say things like "It's like 2 degrees out here! I'm freezing!" Um... I definitely had no idea what 2 degrees feels like. Ha ha. How quickly I've learned.

My flights were semi uneventful. On the one from San Diego to Seattle, I had an entire row to myself. Normally when that happens, I'm actually able to sleep.. especially since I've BARELY been sleeping at all lately, and the night before I left I only managed to grab an hour. But I was so overwhelmed by everything that I ended up staring at the ceiling with my head phones on. Seattle was AMAZING to fly over. I actually teared up because the view was THAT overwhelming.. like, it just screamed how beautiful our Creator really is, and how much pleasure He took in creating this world for us. From up there, for like I full five minutes, I couldn't think about anything else but Christ. I can't tell you how rare it is for me to not even be able to form words to express my feelings.

Seattle to Anchorage was a crazy full flight, and the longest of the three. It also took off way late because apparently the sink in the lavatory wasn't working and it took them like 30 minutes to finish the paperwork. At first, the pilot just said that the plane had a "small malfunction." DUDE! SPECIFY! The last thing I want to hear is "slight malfunction" when I'm on a plane. The guys next to me were super nice though. I'm pretty sure I bruised the guy closest to me like 10 different times. The lady in front of me kept her seat entirely reclined for the ENTIRE trip, leaving me VERY little room to maneuver. I dropped my Ipod at one point and could not even reach it due to lack of space. Every time I had to switch positions, it was this long, drawn out event. Luckily, the guy I kept elbowing and kneeing and smacking was really nice about it. Still, having a stranger, especially a GUY stranger, that close to me makes me nervous and flustered. But my bubble only had so much room to complain. Anyway, as we approached Anchorage, I was once again taken aback by the landscape from the sky. This time, however, it was speaking to me about how untamed our God really is. I'm not gonna lie.. God has a bad-ass side. :) He's wild and dangerous despite His sovereignty. It was good to be reminded of that, and it made me smile. However, I was really confused because there seriously was NOTHING out there! Like, we were coming up on the airport, but it was in front of us, so I couldn't see it. When you fly into San Diego, you literally go in between skyscrapers to land. I was SO confused by this terrain.. there was NOTHING except snow and icy water for as far as I can see. In an almost panic, I turned to the guy next to me and blurted out, "WHERE are all the buildings?!" He laughed and said you couldn't see them until the very end.. and he was right. I pointed them out in a sigh of relief, and the guy laughed at me again and said from his seat, he still couldn't see them. This time I laughed and was like, "That's because it's so small!" I'm so funny (not really)!

Our plane was so late by the time we got to Anchorage, I missed my connecting flight. We flew into the North Terminal and it took me a good 10 minutes to figure out that Alaska airlines flew out of the South Terminal. How do you get to the South Terminal, you ask? You take a shuttle. That you have to wait for outside. That runs every 15 minutes, and if you JUST missed it, you're going to be out there for a while. I had not planned for this at all. Luckily I had my snow jacket in my carry-on, but I wasn't wearing socks yet (flats don't need them usually) and my hates and scarves and mittens were in my checked baggage. It SUCKED. I have pretty poor circulation to my hands to begin with. Within three minutes, I couldn't even dial my phone properly because my hands were numb. It sucked. BUT, it's funny how God does things on purpose to actually help you. Another girl my age missed the Fairbanks flight as well, and we both got stuck on the 7:00pm flight.. which was 2 1/2 hours away. Somehow, we started talking (especially in the security line where ONE FREAKING PERSON was working a line that practically went out the door) and it turns out, she and her husband are stationed at Ft. Wainwright as well. We got a long SUPER well, and ended up having dinner together and talked the whole time. Before I left with Dan, we exchanged numbers. I officially have a female friend here. This is HUGE for me. I made a decision a few months back that I needed to change my relationships with men and start working on having close female friends. I managed to find that in San Diego, but I was terrified about not meeting girls who didn't hate me right off the bat, or annoyed me to the point I steered clear. I've REALLY been praying about it, and was shocked and excited how quickly God answered that prayer.

When we finally landed in Fairbanks, I was exhausted.. until I got my bags and headed outside with Dan. THAT woke me up REALLY fast despite a jacket, socks, and gloves. And I have never seen so much snow in my life! Trees are buried halfway up the trunk and benches are pretty much just slabs on the ground. It's INSANE! But I actually really like it so far. The snow looks like diamonds when the sun is out. Our temporary lodging is nice. It's like an itty bitty apartment.. just without a range for like baking or whatever. It saves money to not have to go out to eat all the time.

Married ladies take note: when flying, make sure your ring is on your finger. My ring is too big right now, plus one of the brackets broke and I'm scared I'll lose a sapphire if I wear it before it's fixed. I always assumed guys didn't pay attention to the ring.. I was wrong. Nothing is more awkward than random guys talking to you and offering to help you and asking you questions. I'm not saying this to be conceited at ALL.. I honestly don't understand the draw. I HATE being the center of attention like that, and I never know what to say. I at first thought to just cut them off and be like "Um, I'm married. Please don't talk to me." But then I got all nervous that that was rude since maybe they really are just trying to strike up a friendly conversation to pass the time. The Lord knows airports are only entertaining for so long. You have to combat boredom some how, I guess.

Lastly, despite the adventure so far and how nice it is to be with Dan and how amazing the landscape is, I'm a little homesick. I didn't expect to feel that. This trip isn't permanent yet, so that helps a little bit.. knowing I'm not quite gone for good yet. It makes the transition easier.

I should be asleep, but I'm not.

It's funny to me how life doesn't get easier as you age. When we're little, we look forward to this crazy phenomenon called "adulthood." It seems perfect. What they don't understand is that just because you have the ability and right to make your own choices, you still spend half the time trying to figure out your place in this world and who you are supposed to be. Purpose remains a mystery. Pain is normal.. even constant at times. One minute you think you know who you are, and the next minute you're looking around wondering how the crap you got here. You think you know the people closest to you, but you may not be right. My life seems to enbody the word "complicated." And I'm really tired of it.

Say Goodbye - Ashlee Simpson

You don't know me like you knew me
You stopped listening the moment that I needed you the most
You can't see me like you saw me
The truth comes easy
But it's hard for you to pull me from the ground

So I scream
Scream 'cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
But what if there was?
You'd still be you and I'd still need to say goodbye

Maybe you don't love me like I love you, baby
'Cause the broken in you doesn't make me run
There is beauty in the dark side
I'm not frightened
Without it I could never feel the sun

So I scream
Scream 'cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
But what if there was?
You'd still be you and I'd still need to say goodbye

Nothing will change
No matter what you say
I'm still going to be the same
The harder we try, the harder we fight
Can't get it right
So I scream
Scream 'cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
But what if there was?
You'd still be you and I'd still need to say goodbye

Happy Ever After (Blog #2)

she loves her mamas lemonade
hates the sound that goodbyes make
hhe prays someday she'll find someone to need her
she swears there is no difference
between the lies and compliments
it's all the same if everybody leaves her
and every magazine tells her she's not good enough
the pictures that she sees make her cry

she would change everything, everything
just ask her
caught in the between
a beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home

she's giving boys what they want
and tries to act so nonchalant
afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction
she never stays the same for long
assuming that she'll get it wrong
perfect only in her imperfection
she's not a drama queen
she doesn't want to feel this way
only 17, but tired

she's just the way she is
but no one has told her that's ok

I'm investing in caution tape.

Max and I decided today that his bedroom (one he shared with Ryan what seems like forever ago and yesterday all at the same time) needs a huge "X" put across the doorway in "Caution" tape. Or maybe we should just brick it over. This stupid apartment is so painful for both of us. Poor Max.. his girlfriend of (on and off) 5 years opted to dump him the other night for good. Now, granted, she was cheating on him and he deserves better, but funny how that doesn't make you feel any better. He's taken to sleeping on the couch because his bedroom smells like her no matter how much Febreeze we spray. I can't get him to eat, which is REALLY bad because his metabolism is so fast that you can already tell he's dropping weight. We both live here, but really, all we both can think about is fleeing the memories that haunt this stupid house. I spend hours walking Nandi to get away, and spend as much time in my room as possible. Life is ridiculously painful right now. And I leave for Alaska in 2 days for a visit. Wish me luck.

"Motorcycles in the parking lot
Revving their engines and it just won't stop
Matches the noises screaming in my head
Houston, I think we got a problem

Where does everybody go when they go?
They go so fast, I don't think they know
We hate so fast and we love too slow
London, I think we got a problem

And when I think about it
I just can't think about it
I try to drink about it
But I keep spinning

Ave Mary A, where did you go? Where did you go?
How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?
Help me let go of the chaos around me
The devil that hounds me
I need you to tell me, "Child, be still"
Child be still, child be still

Broken hearts all around the spot
I can't help thinking that we lost the plot
Suicide bomber, and a student shot
Tokyo, I think we got a problem

But for that they have got a pill
If that don't kill you then the side effects will
If we don't kill each other then the side effects will
K-Town, I think we've got a problem

If the darkest hour comes before the light
Where is the light? Where is the light?
If the darkest hour comes before the light
Where is the light? Where is the light?

Ave Mary A, where did you go? Where did you go?
How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?
Help me, help me, let go of the chaos around me
The devil that hounds me
I need you to tell me, "Child, be still"
Child be still, child be still

Oh, so easily you're over me..

Here's what is on my mind: if you know you are doing the right thing, but you also know you are doing it for all the wrong reasons, is it still the right thing to do? "Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus" (Wallace Stegner - The Spectator Bird).

My dog, Nandi, found this weird ball in the house. I have absolutely NO idea where it came from, but she's obsessed. If she hits it hard enough, it lights up and makes weird noises. I can't tell if she's scared of it and trying to kill it, or playing with it because she thinks it is fun. Regardless, she won't let me near it. I think maybe she's trying to protect me from it.

I bought the newest Jody Picoult book the other day called "Handle with Care." Her books seriously rock my world. She makes you think about things that you may not be entirely comfortable with, which makes her amazing. I actually end up underlining certain sentences and paragraphs because they hit me so hard. I thought I'd share:

"It's funny, isn't it, how you can be 100 percent sure of your opinion on something until it happens to you" (29).

"Tempering: to heat slowly and gradually... In cooking, tempering is about making something stronger by taking your time... Or, in other words, it's the substance you've got when you start that determines the outcome" (15).

"Things break all the time. Glass, and dishes, and fingernails. Cars and contracts and potato chips. You can break a record, a horse, a dollar. You can break the ice. There are coffee breaks and lunch breaks and prison breaks. Day breaks, waves break, voices break. Chains can be broken. So can silence, and fever... Promises break. Hearts break... Fault lines. These are the places where the earth breaks apart. These are the spots where earthquakes originate, where volcanoes are born. Or in other words: the world is crumbling under us; it's the solid ground beneath our feet that's an illusion" (1).

"'Maybe,' Sean said, 'she wasn't meant to be here with us. Maybe this is God's will.'
'What about MY will?' I asked. 'I want her. I've wanted her all along'" (10).

[In reference to the teacup ride at Disneyworld]
"The family seemed so happy it made my stomach hurt to watch it. I knew that the people on the commercial probably weren't even a real family - but I WANTED them to be one. I wanted to believe they were laughing, smiling, even as they were spinning out of control" (18).